Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The new coaching staff of the Bears face a true baptism of fire against their legendary arch-nemesis the Green Bay Packers. Will Chicago’s return to its defensive roots bear fruit? Or will “Coach Career Killer” Cutler rack up record-breaking passing statistics that somehow translate into an 0-16 season and a new position as third string quarterback of the Los Angeles Whatever?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Murder Minnow” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the vertiginous insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Much as the land-lubbing Babylonian deity Marduk slew aqua-lord Tiamat in a battle that symbolized Babylonian mastery over irrigation, so shall the Bears eventually dominate the NFC North in an imperceptibly slow building process that one day results in the Packers waking up to find themselves under the cleated foot of a Chicago defender… which will result in a 10 yard penalty for the Bears and an automatic first down for the Packers. But I digress.

The Bears will go 7-9 this year, defeating the Raiders, Buccaneers, Rams, 49ers, plus the Vikings twice, and also whatever the Washington team is shamed into calling themselves. Unfortunately, the Bears will struggle mightily against the Cardinals, Seahawks, Chiefs, Lions, Chargers, Broncos, and 49ers. The Bears will defeat the Packers today, but Green Bay will unleash a terrible vengeance on Thanksgiving!

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears badly fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw an 11-5 season, but the Bears walked away with a 5-11 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I hope to pull off a similar mirror effect with me predictions this year, but I couldn’t go all in like USA Today and predict a 3-13 season. No one should lose to the Vikings this year!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, I’ve constructed a scatter gram of Bears scores when they play their first Packers game under a new coach. It was a straightforward regular bar graph until Drunky McDumbass spilled a pitcher of Dos Equis beer on my laptop.

Drunky: I’m the world’s most interesting… whoa, I just knocked over my carefully constructed beer-a-mid that I built during my one semester of college in 1986…I’ll get back to you later, troops. End transmission.

Des: Modre. It’s your turn to… render the English language irrelevant.

Modre: While your next President Donald Cornelius Trump fancies himself a true original American, he is walking a path already trod by “he who wanders with random naked posturings like the legendary silver mandrake”

Des: Which means what, exactly?

Modre: Bears win 20-17 in a nail biter.

Des: The bottle is pointing at you, Prissy.

Prissy: Don’t toy with my emotions, Des. Your Bears blog posts possess a certain “Beauty Behind the Madness”, but unlike the deliberately misspelled “The Weeknd” album of the same title, your work is not a direct rip-off of Michael Jackson.

Des: Only if you don’t read them too closely, Prissy. Ellie Mae McGillicutty?

Ellie Mae: I just finished reading a fascinating alt history book about what would happen if the Civil War were fought with zombies. And I know what you’re thinking, Des, you horribly racist, Confedero-phobic jerk, “The South won because we’ve got no brains!” Actually, we lost because our high cholesterol made us irresistible. From the chitlins. And the corn bread. And the cornpone. And the craw-daddy crawfish taco MacNuggets. And also the slave revolts.

Des: “Confedero-phobe.” Nice one.

Des: Sally McChesty: Conclude this with a five sentence paragraph summarizing the three major points with a dramatic, memorable statement at the end.

Sally: What is this, Des, a sixth grade language arts class? Sure, why not, I’ll give you that which you should never request: In conclusion, Captain Redbeard’s Musical Bears Blog of Cut and Pastery delivers the following: First, Captain Redbeard references a dead religion to make a football prediction that’s doomed to failure. Second, Concord Peabody makes an obscure math reference that is not salvaged by the alcoholic stumblings of Drunky McDumbAss. Additionally, Modre tries to shock us with something all of us have pretty much resigned ourselves to. Thirdly, Prissy Minion tries too hard to praise Des by bashing pop culture. Finally, Ellie Mae dips into the greasy, familiar well of smug, northern, pseudo-cosmopolitan superiority. Overall, this is the worst application of what some, without any trace of self-irony, call “The Common Core of Comedy.” Did you like my excessive overuse of transition words? Because I died inside with each utterance!

Des: Mmm, pastries!

Sally: No! You will not save yourself with a Simpsons reference. Everyone who watches that show now is older than all the major characters, including Grandpa Simpson and especially Monty Burns!

Des: And like Saturday Night Live before me, this blog will abruptly stop with cued tepid applause in the background.

Bears vs. Lions: 9-29-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-29-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the team that may surprisingly prove to be their greatest challenge so far: the resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears repeat last week’s winning formula of an unexpectedly strong offensive line, competent passing, and a turnover-factory defense? Or will the Lions’ winning streak continue to justify closing every public school in Detroit to finance their sports teams?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kid Charlemagne” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally “Muffin” McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! By using what today’s kids call “Molly”, which I presume can only be shorthand for injections of “molluscum contagiosum” or “water warts”, to shatter the confines of space-time and linear thought to pierce the astral plane, I successfully stole the Tablets of Destiny from ancient Babylonian deity Marduk to avenge the death of my favored sea goddess Tiamat. But of far greater importance is that they revealed to me the Chum Bucket of the NFL: i.e. the team that will fail to win a single game this season: At this moment, there be 5 teams that share the dishonor of being winless so far: the Steelers, Jaguars, Giants, Redskins, Vikings, and Buccaneers. Which one be the most doomed to ignominious failure? ‘Tis the Washington Redskins, yet another victim of the Curse of Redbeard—and, no, this does not refer to the disfiguring skin condition of the same name—nay, this be the black mark that I lay upon the team that offends me in some deep seeded and deep seated way. The Curse of Redbeard is so profoundly afflicting that it can ne’er be reversed, not e’en by yours truly. Ask the Chicago Cubs! They will, of course, deny it with all the strength their broken souls will allow, for to even speak of the Curse of Redbeard is to prolong it for uncounted millennia. Returning to the Redskins, ye might think that I cursed them because they are the most racist thing associated with the NFL besides Modre...

Modre: Gaijin!

SR: ...but ye’d be sadly mistaken! Nay, my unyielding anger towards the Redskins derives solely from the actions of the team’s owner Dan Snyder, who beat me to the punch of attaining eternal youth by purchasing the Dick Clark Television Production Company. Not only does he gain the secret of eternal youth, but he also gains control of time itself, for through his purchase of the DCTPC, he also owns Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve. By possessing this gem, he controls the Baby New Year, a prize that has eluded many other super-villians, including the legendary vulture Eon. Also, somewhat ironically, he made his billions by being the first to telemarket immigrants to the U.S.

Des: I shudder at the thought of those poor souls who are playing the “Captain Redbeard’s Unrelated References Drinking Game.” Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, I was shocked that I actually underestimated the Bears’ score last week when I predicted the Bears would beat the Steelers: 38-10. (They won 40-23). I won’t repeat that mistake this week: Bears win 460 to 273.

Des: Wait... Concord, did you come up with those scores by using the absolute values of the absolute zeroes from the Rankine and Kelvin scales, as converted to the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales, respectively?

CWP: Uh... yeah, Des. Well done.

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty: Do you have yet another bring down preach-fest about the evils of the NFL and of sports media in general?

SMC: No, Des. To be fair, the NFL hasn’t built a new soccer stadium in the Amazon rain forest that will later be converted into a giant prison after the World Cup has been played or built another World Cup stadium in Qatar using Nepalese migrant slave labor. Yet.

Des: Now that we have once again abandoned the pretense of talking about the Bears at all, why don’t you finish things off, Prissy Minion?

PM: Des, your Bears posts have a captivating retro-future aesthetic that makes this website the most dazzling blog endeavor of 2013!

Des: Prissy, I don’t know how to respond to that, except to completely ignore it. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much less painful than watching another five teams get into the playoffs by beating the Cubs!