Bears vs. Lions: 9-29-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-29-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the team that may surprisingly prove to be their greatest challenge so far: the resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears repeat last week’s winning formula of an unexpectedly strong offensive line, competent passing, and a turnover-factory defense? Or will the Lions’ winning streak continue to justify closing every public school in Detroit to finance their sports teams?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kid Charlemagne” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally “Muffin” McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! By using what today’s kids call “Molly”, which I presume can only be shorthand for injections of “molluscum contagiosum” or “water warts”, to shatter the confines of space-time and linear thought to pierce the astral plane, I successfully stole the Tablets of Destiny from ancient Babylonian deity Marduk to avenge the death of my favored sea goddess Tiamat. But of far greater importance is that they revealed to me the Chum Bucket of the NFL: i.e. the team that will fail to win a single game this season: At this moment, there be 5 teams that share the dishonor of being winless so far: the Steelers, Jaguars, Giants, Redskins, Vikings, and Buccaneers. Which one be the most doomed to ignominious failure? ‘Tis the Washington Redskins, yet another victim of the Curse of Redbeard—and, no, this does not refer to the disfiguring skin condition of the same name—nay, this be the black mark that I lay upon the team that offends me in some deep seeded and deep seated way. The Curse of Redbeard is so profoundly afflicting that it can ne’er be reversed, not e’en by yours truly. Ask the Chicago Cubs! They will, of course, deny it with all the strength their broken souls will allow, for to even speak of the Curse of Redbeard is to prolong it for uncounted millennia. Returning to the Redskins, ye might think that I cursed them because they are the most racist thing associated with the NFL besides Modre...

Modre: Gaijin!

SR: ...but ye’d be sadly mistaken! Nay, my unyielding anger towards the Redskins derives solely from the actions of the team’s owner Dan Snyder, who beat me to the punch of attaining eternal youth by purchasing the Dick Clark Television Production Company. Not only does he gain the secret of eternal youth, but he also gains control of time itself, for through his purchase of the DCTPC, he also owns Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve. By possessing this gem, he controls the Baby New Year, a prize that has eluded many other super-villians, including the legendary vulture Eon. Also, somewhat ironically, he made his billions by being the first to telemarket immigrants to the U.S.

Des: I shudder at the thought of those poor souls who are playing the “Captain Redbeard’s Unrelated References Drinking Game.” Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, I was shocked that I actually underestimated the Bears’ score last week when I predicted the Bears would beat the Steelers: 38-10. (They won 40-23). I won’t repeat that mistake this week: Bears win 460 to 273.

Des: Wait... Concord, did you come up with those scores by using the absolute values of the absolute zeroes from the Rankine and Kelvin scales, as converted to the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales, respectively?

CWP: Uh... yeah, Des. Well done.

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty: Do you have yet another bring down preach-fest about the evils of the NFL and of sports media in general?

SMC: No, Des. To be fair, the NFL hasn’t built a new soccer stadium in the Amazon rain forest that will later be converted into a giant prison after the World Cup has been played or built another World Cup stadium in Qatar using Nepalese migrant slave labor. Yet.

Des: Now that we have once again abandoned the pretense of talking about the Bears at all, why don’t you finish things off, Prissy Minion?

PM: Des, your Bears posts have a captivating retro-future aesthetic that makes this website the most dazzling blog endeavor of 2013!

Des: Prissy, I don’t know how to respond to that, except to completely ignore it. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much less painful than watching another five teams get into the playoffs by beating the Cubs!