Bears vs. Bengals: 9-8-2013

BEARS VS. BENGALS: 9-8-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals in what is most assuredly not a preview of this year’s Superbowl. Will Marc Trestman somehow find the key to unlock Jay Cutler’s hidden Sid Luckman-esque talent? Or will the Bengals receive a spark of hope that will be extinguished by their remaining 15 games?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aquatic Ingénue” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again to predict how the Bears will perform this season. As regular viewers of this internet experience know, my predictions come to me through a combination of physical ailments, revelations from numerous deities both aquatic and land-lubber, plus PTSD caused by watching 105 seasons of the Chicago Cubs. This miasma of the transcendent and the wretched reveals the following: the Bears’ new coach Marc Trestman will unleash all kinds of weird stuff that will befuddle their foes that involve flash paper and staring off into the distance and screaming. Thus the Bears will begin their season winning the first five games. Then the opposing coaches will catch on to Trestman’s trickery and ‘twill all be over—the entire O-line will lie slain on the battlefield as will the Bears first five starting quarterbacks until the Bears pick up Tim Tebow, who will be know as “touchdown Jesus” in that he will be horribly crucified, first by opposing defenses, then by the sports media, both local and national. The international media will not care.

So, to summarize and expand: the Bears will go 9-7 this year, defeating the Bengals, Steelers, Saints, Redskins, Rams, Browns, Eagles, and the Lions twice. They’ll split the Vikings, and lose to the Giants, Ravens, Cowboys, and the Packers twice. Someday, the Bears will discover the formula to defeating the Packers, but not this year.

Des: Captain, I noticed that your predictions are more modest for the Bears this year. Last year, you thought they would go 14-2, but ended with a 10-6 record.

SR: Aye. I was strung out on “ocean meth” last year, an ill-conceived mixture of coffee, rum, some ground up diet pills I had left over from the 1970s, ocean water, and Windex for coloring. When you’re sailing across the eternal wet, ye have a lot of time on your hands.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Bengals have a 4-1 record against the Bears at Soldier Field, Gino Atkins and Carlos Dunlap are strong Bengals defenders, plus the Bengals have a more diversified offense and a more experienced offensive line and coaching staff. That said, the Bears will still win 34 to 6.

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: Gaijin, I have just completed reading The Alphabet versus the Goddess which posits the theory that the written word causes people to become more left-brained, causing them to reject feminine values and become more misogynistic. You might think that reading this book would encourage me to reject reading and writing, but spending three hours deeply engrossed with this text has given me a toxic level of exposure to written language, leaving me 100 times more evil than before.

Des: Speaking of feminine values, here’s Sally McChesty presenting “Small Words”, a series of interviews with the children of NFL players.

SMC: Des, are you even aware that I possess doctorates in sports history, sports medicine, sports finance, and football strategy? I mean, what the hell? I’ve forgotten more about football than the rest of your sports panel will ever know! You want to know what the kids of NFL players have to say? During football season, most of them only see their fathers on NFL posters in their bedrooms!

Des: Yeah, book learning is not really a plus when it comes to sports casting. That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about our horrible treatment of veterans... mostly because that won’t be mentioned when the NFL honors our soldiers.