Bears vs. Vikings: 9-15-2013

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 9-15-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult struggle against the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of creating short fields for the offense, executing good clock management, and taking advantage of their opponent’s mindless penalties? Or will the Vikings manage to start more than one good player?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fearless Fosdick” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sadly, the upcoming Tom Hanks movie Captain Phillips will fail to reignite interest in piracy the way the endless Pirates of the Caribbean movies did. Although, to be fair, the latest installment of Pirates, featuring Johnny Depp as a Native American, failed in its mission as well. Why do I predict naught but abject failure for Tom Hanks and company? If the previews be any indication, there’s none of the lighter side to piracy that we’ve come to expect: Where be the drunken antics? Where be the plank-walkings and keel-haulings? Where be the butchered English, parrots, and hooks for hands? I did not hear a single “ARRRGH” in the entire commercial! Hell, the Captain Morgan ads present a more realistic portrayal of the aquatic thievery!

Speaking of bitter disappointments, here be me Treasure Map to the Superbowl: In the AFC, I predict the Dolphins, Bengals, Colts, and Chargers will hoist divisional banners, while the Broncos and Patriots will somehow trick their way into the wild card round. As for the NFC, I use precise solid-state astrolabe technology to forecast divisional championships for the Giants, Vikings, Panthers, and Seahawks while the Bears and Falcons will take cruel advantage of late season mutinies against their coaches by the Packers and Buccaneers to sneak past them and be anointed wild card teams. Prepare yourself for a shocker even greater than that experienced by yours truly when me boatload of stolen car batteries heading to Cuba crashed into an iceberg while we were sailing the wrong way: I predict that the Indianapolis Colts will defeat the Seattle Seahawks in this year’s Superbowl. All of Eddie Vedder’s caterwauling will not save the Seahawks!

Des: Captain, by betting against your Treasure Map, I outperformed all of the major stock market indexes. I mean, look at your record of poor predictions: Except for the Steelers, all of your AFC picks to win their divisions had losing records: the Jets, Titans, and Chargers. Granted, the Patriots and Ravens, your AFC Wild Card picks, did make the playoffs, the Falcons did win their division, and the Bears had a winning record, but picking the Eagles, who had a 4-12 record? And the Cardinals, with a 5-11 record? And how do you explain your ongoing compulsion to pick the Chargers to win their division?

SR: ARRRHHH, mateys! I take tremendous offense at your ill-informed land-lubber criticisms! Have ye ever had to guide a ship to avoid a treacherous storm using naught but your knowledge of ocean currents, wind direction and speed, the shape and color of clouds, the refraction gradient of sunlight against the sea, or the species and depth of fish and whales, plus the horrible algebra of calculating the ratios of varying levels of pain caused by differences in air pressure on your numerous shattered limbs? Well, I have, and the stakes are much higher than predicting mere football games! I have safely guided my crew home to port at least 3, maybe 4, times in the past year. Out of a couple hundred. Thank the ocean lord Poseidon for the Press Gang!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, Chris Ponder has something to prove after a tough loss to the Lions, Adrian Peterson has historically played well at Soldier Field, and rookie receiver Cordarrelle Patterson may have a breakout game this Sunday. That said, the Bears will still win 45 to 17.

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! Garnish our comedy soup with a pinch of sphinx-like wisdom.

Modre: The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave.

Des: Well, you know what they say: If something doesn’t make sense the first time, then constant repetition is the quickest path to understanding. With no transition whatsoever, let’s turn now to Doctor Sally McChesty, who will give us the lowdown on Jay Cutler’s wife’s traffic ticket.

SMC: Wait, really? That’s the story you want me to cover? What about the Oneida Nation’s plans to have a major protest in Lambeau Field against the Redskins for their racist name? What about the NFL’s squashing of the class action lawsuit by 4500 former players who suffered concussions? Then there’s...

Des: And that’s all the time we have, Woodward and Bring-down Steen... except for Prissy Minion checking in. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: You are the definition of comedy.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will require mental stamina and an appreciation of the nuances of football strategy. Or a suitcase of beer, a bean bag chair, a working knowledge of a barbecue grill, a garage heated by burning wood in a trash can, and a mighty bladder!