Bears vs. Steelers: 9-22-13

BEARS VS. STEELERS: 9-22-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game televised against the meth-fueled majesty of Breaking Bad. Will Jay Cutler display the cold-blooded ruthlessness of Heisenberg? Or the perplexed haplessness of Hal?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tortuga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and famed sentinel of liberty, Captain America.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Russian government be accusin’ Greenpeace of piracy for tryin’ to board an offshore drilling platform owned by the state-owned natural gas company Gazprom. This only goes to show how watered down the concept of piracy has become when a boatload of hippies can be placed in the horrible company of dark legends such as Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and yours truly, Redbeard. Like everyone over the age of 40, I blame the decline of everything I value on the internet. The word “piracy” lost all meaning when music nerds who downloaded music without paying for it were called “pirates”. The lame-stream media utterly destroyed a brand we took centuries to build as a symbol of unrelenting evil with pointlessly horrific acts such as cutting off the lips of captives and serving them back to our prisoners as supper—which was a step up from what we fed the crew. By the way, Des, when I ordered me cabin boy to do internet research to craft this seemingly random tirade, do you know what appears at the top of the list when he performed a Google Search for “infamous people in history”? “Women in American History.” Think about it, won’t you?
Des: All valid complaints, Captain, but what does this have to do with the Bears?

SR: Nothing at all, ye wretched land-lubber! There be nothing really to mock about the Bears or Steelers right now. Chicago performed a solid, if unremarkable, game last week. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t done anything reprehensible in the past couple of days. I leave it to the rest of your pitiful panel to somehow make forced comparisons to Breaking Bad.

Des: Let’s see what they come up with. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Steelers use a 3-4 defense instead of a Cover 2 configuration, they have defensive linemen who weigh 320, 300, and 285 pounds, and Devin Hester has only run one yard on two punt returns this year. That said, the Bears will have a breakout game and emerge victorious 38-10.

Des: Modre! Bedazzle us with your brain-scalding insights.

Modre: La familia es todo.
Des: If that weren’t a Breaking Bad reference, you would be almost comforting. Doctor Sally McChesty. Allow me to provide you with a really awkward joke set-up: “So, Doctor McChesty, I understand that you have created a montage of Bears clips that tie into a popular TV show or movie as Fox has often done with 24 or Star Wars.”

SMC: That’s right, Des, I’ve taken crucial plays from Bears games and put them to quotes from Breaking Bad. Here’s Brian Urlacher tackling a running back: “Stay out of my territory.” Now here’s Brian Urlacher sacking a quarterback: “I’m the one who knocks.” Here’s the defensive line huddling up: “No more half measures.” Finally, here’s my favorite: another quarterback flattened by Urlacher with the tag line “Shut the f--- up and let me die in peace.”

Des: Somehow, I don’t think the NFL is going to be ready for a promo that ties into the horribly violent world of methamphetamine dealing. Plus, Brian Urlacher retired. Finally, for no logical reason at all, here’s Captain America:

CA: This isn’t the America I remember. This isn’t the America I remember at all.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause multitudes of football widows to run screaming into the arms of Devious Maids.