BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-20-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a heartbreaking loss to the New England Patriots. Could this be a much-needed bounce-back against Captain Methuselah and his hellscape rent-a-stadium? Or will this be another step on the slippery slope slip sliding away from playoff action? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dark Angel" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to hang my head in shame as I review how me playoff picks in September are performing in December. In the AFC, I can look on with pride at my playoff picks the Jets and Ravens who are poised to enter the playoffs. Sadly, I can only turn my head in disgust at my other playoff selections, the Texans, Broncos, Bills, and Browns. I am especially disheartened at the Broncos. I thought this was Neckbeard’s year!
SR: I did a little better in the NFC. Four of my five selections appear to be post-season bound: the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and the Rams, who have a, uh, dominating (?) record of 6-8. Sadly, the 49ers and Lions continue to be major disappointments. Well, okay, a 4-10 record for the Lions is rebuilding. By 2016, the Lions should make it to the first round of the playoffs… where they will be as promptly skewered as the marlin I single-handedly wrestled onto me vessel!
Des: Nice one, Ernest Hemingway-breath. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Margaret Mead once said, “It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” That’s especially true of Bears quarterbacks!
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Minnesota?
CP: Des, if you divide Brett Favre’s age by the number of offensive text messages he sent and multiply it by the number of Bears failed third down attempts, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 105.9.
Des: Concord, does 105.9FM play all the classics, plus the best new rock?
CP: Des, WCKG stopped playing classic rock 14 years ago. Get with the times!
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "Those who live in the past are cowards and losers". By the way, come see me at Bert Wyman Ford for a reunion with my old buddies from the 1985 Superbowl Bears, and maybe you’ll see us do the Superbowl Shuffle!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a magic 8 ball… it’s comfortingly predictable.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you face your own mortality as you watch Brett Favre play quarterback.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Bears vs. Patriots: 12-12-10
BEARS VS. PATRIOTS: 12-12-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…
Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?
SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.
Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?
SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.
Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.
Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?
CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.
Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?
CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."
Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…
Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?
SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.
Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?
SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.
Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.
Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?
CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.
Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?
CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."
Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Bears vs. Lions: 12-5-10
BEARS VS. LIONS: 12-5-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.
Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.
SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!
Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.
Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?
CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."
Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.
Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."
Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.
Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.
SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!
Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.
Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?
CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."
Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.
Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."
Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-28-10
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-28-10
Des: So here I am at the Las Vegas airport on a layover on a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manchester, NH, drinking a $12 gin and tonic at the Fox Sports Bar after losing five dollars at the airport slots, awaiting the start of the Bears/Eagles game. (All true so far... now begins the descent/ascent into madness) Since the standard fare of Bradshaw, Johnson, et al, are not entertaining me, let's bring forth my regular imaginary crew of prognosticators to preview this Bears game.
SR: ARRRHHHH, mateys! All of professional football is darkened under the shadow of the NFL's looming lookout of 2011. The NFL Players' Association is claiming that an average of about $160 million in local spending and 3,000 jobs would be lost in each league city if the full 2011 season were wiped out. This presumes that there would not be some truly magnificient scabs waiting in the wings to take over if the first string players were forced out of the pictures. And by "scabs", I'm not talking about me horrible, horrible skin condition caused by a tropical insect that scientists have yet to name. If it be up to me, I would name it Anopheles Redbeadius.
Des: I would wish you well, Captain, but I would be lying. Drunky McDumb-ass. Since we seem to be inexplicably trapped in the same sports bar, what are your observations?
DMD: I'm very traumatized, Des. I ordered a light beer that I guess is very weak because the super-hot bartender made fun of my clothes, then punched me in the heart and took my money. How was I supposed to know that smooth-drinking Coors Lite was the only socially acceptable lite beer for men to drink?
Des: Thanks to Coors Brewery's sponsorship of this proud web-site, now everyone knows.
Modre: If by "everyone", Des, you mean the four or five friends you lost contact with years ago who might mistakenly "rediscover" this blog, then by all means, retreat into your comforting delusion.
Des: Concord Peabody, what data is going into your victory factory this week?
CWP: That's a Victory Factor, not factory, Des. If you combine the running yardage of Matt Forte, the quarterback proficiency of Jay Cutler, and the existential despair felt by the Eagles for playing in a city that is a hollow mockery of the once proud capital city of America, I give the Bears a Victory Factor of 97.9.
Des: Hey, is Johnny B. still the morning guy for 97.9?
CWP: Des, that reference will only appeal to a rapidly dying demographic.
Des: Ouch! Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your blog posts are like an old, familiar shoe... the stench may be overpowering, but it's too comfortable to part with.
Des: Well, I'll sit back and watch with my insanely overpriced drink as the Bears face off in a match that may help me forget the searing humiliation I faced going through airport security!
Des: So here I am at the Las Vegas airport on a layover on a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manchester, NH, drinking a $12 gin and tonic at the Fox Sports Bar after losing five dollars at the airport slots, awaiting the start of the Bears/Eagles game. (All true so far... now begins the descent/ascent into madness) Since the standard fare of Bradshaw, Johnson, et al, are not entertaining me, let's bring forth my regular imaginary crew of prognosticators to preview this Bears game.
SR: ARRRHHHH, mateys! All of professional football is darkened under the shadow of the NFL's looming lookout of 2011. The NFL Players' Association is claiming that an average of about $160 million in local spending and 3,000 jobs would be lost in each league city if the full 2011 season were wiped out. This presumes that there would not be some truly magnificient scabs waiting in the wings to take over if the first string players were forced out of the pictures. And by "scabs", I'm not talking about me horrible, horrible skin condition caused by a tropical insect that scientists have yet to name. If it be up to me, I would name it Anopheles Redbeadius.
Des: I would wish you well, Captain, but I would be lying. Drunky McDumb-ass. Since we seem to be inexplicably trapped in the same sports bar, what are your observations?
DMD: I'm very traumatized, Des. I ordered a light beer that I guess is very weak because the super-hot bartender made fun of my clothes, then punched me in the heart and took my money. How was I supposed to know that smooth-drinking Coors Lite was the only socially acceptable lite beer for men to drink?
Des: Thanks to Coors Brewery's sponsorship of this proud web-site, now everyone knows.
Modre: If by "everyone", Des, you mean the four or five friends you lost contact with years ago who might mistakenly "rediscover" this blog, then by all means, retreat into your comforting delusion.
Des: Concord Peabody, what data is going into your victory factory this week?
CWP: That's a Victory Factor, not factory, Des. If you combine the running yardage of Matt Forte, the quarterback proficiency of Jay Cutler, and the existential despair felt by the Eagles for playing in a city that is a hollow mockery of the once proud capital city of America, I give the Bears a Victory Factor of 97.9.
Des: Hey, is Johnny B. still the morning guy for 97.9?
CWP: Des, that reference will only appeal to a rapidly dying demographic.
Des: Ouch! Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your blog posts are like an old, familiar shoe... the stench may be overpowering, but it's too comfortable to part with.
Des: Well, I'll sit back and watch with my insanely overpriced drink as the Bears face off in a match that may help me forget the searing humiliation I faced going through airport security!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Bears vs. Dolphins:11-18-10
BEARS VS. DOLPHINS: 11-18-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.
Des: What does that mean?
Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.
Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?
CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.
CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.
Des: What does that mean?
Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.
Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?
CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.
CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-14-10
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-14-10
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Bears vs. Bills: 11-7-10
BEARS VS. BILLS: 11-7-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.
Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.
SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.
Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?
Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.
Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?
Modre: What?
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: 54-40 or fight!
Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.
Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.
SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.
Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?
Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.
Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?
Modre: What?
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: 54-40 or fight!
Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Bears vs. Redskins: 10-24-10
BEARS VS. REDSKINS: 10-24-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Bears vs. Seahawks: 10-17-10
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 10-17-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?
Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.
Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.
Modre: I hang my head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?
Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.
Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.
Modre: I hang my head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Bears vs. Panthers: 10-10-10
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-10-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after Jay Cutler suffered nine first half sacks against the New York Giants. Will the Bears strengthen their offensive line to protect backup QB Todd Collins? Or should the Bears have ten quarterbacks waiting in the wings? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Stone Cold” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my prediction for this Sunday: the price of gold will skyrocket after me crew and I shanghai the gold shipment used to pay Titans’ coach Chuck Cecil’s fine for giving the finger to an official. If I had to pay a fine every time I proudly displayed me middle hook to a deserving land-lubber, I’d be sailing the seven seas wearing naught but a barrel.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image.
SR: By the way, Des, my report was brought to you by Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. Do you have any unwanted gold that’s cluttering up your house, car, or teeth? Then send it in to Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. In exchange for your precious, precious gold, you’ll receive a complementary pass to board one of me haunted Halloween vessels where the horrors are genuine and the stories you’ll have to pass on to your children or therapist will last a lifetime.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting into a pleasurably wacky misunderstanding between myself and my wife/significant other in which she thinks I’m talking about buying her jewelry and I think she’s talking about buying me smooth drinking Coors Light.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Carolina Panthers?
Modre: When you're inside the helmet, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy.
Des: So… your strategy for defeating the Panthers is to get inside their heads?
Modre: No, my strategy is to keep quoting from The Matrix and hope nobody notices. Except for the part about being inside the “helmet”. That was an ad lib. But do my borrowed “insights” make any less sense than more traditional broadcasters Terry Bradshaw or Jimmy Johnson.?
Des: Unfortunately, no. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they play with their second string quarterback, and 9-7 when they use their first stringer.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a Valentine box of chocolates: a seemingly thoughtful gesture that is ultimately unconsumed and thrown away.
Des: Ouch! Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as recent as that of Palin versus Olbermann… and as equally pointless.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after Jay Cutler suffered nine first half sacks against the New York Giants. Will the Bears strengthen their offensive line to protect backup QB Todd Collins? Or should the Bears have ten quarterbacks waiting in the wings? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Stone Cold” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my prediction for this Sunday: the price of gold will skyrocket after me crew and I shanghai the gold shipment used to pay Titans’ coach Chuck Cecil’s fine for giving the finger to an official. If I had to pay a fine every time I proudly displayed me middle hook to a deserving land-lubber, I’d be sailing the seven seas wearing naught but a barrel.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image.
SR: By the way, Des, my report was brought to you by Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. Do you have any unwanted gold that’s cluttering up your house, car, or teeth? Then send it in to Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. In exchange for your precious, precious gold, you’ll receive a complementary pass to board one of me haunted Halloween vessels where the horrors are genuine and the stories you’ll have to pass on to your children or therapist will last a lifetime.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting into a pleasurably wacky misunderstanding between myself and my wife/significant other in which she thinks I’m talking about buying her jewelry and I think she’s talking about buying me smooth drinking Coors Light.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Carolina Panthers?
Modre: When you're inside the helmet, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy.
Des: So… your strategy for defeating the Panthers is to get inside their heads?
Modre: No, my strategy is to keep quoting from The Matrix and hope nobody notices. Except for the part about being inside the “helmet”. That was an ad lib. But do my borrowed “insights” make any less sense than more traditional broadcasters Terry Bradshaw or Jimmy Johnson.?
Des: Unfortunately, no. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they play with their second string quarterback, and 9-7 when they use their first stringer.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a Valentine box of chocolates: a seemingly thoughtful gesture that is ultimately unconsumed and thrown away.
Des: Ouch! Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as recent as that of Palin versus Olbermann… and as equally pointless.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Bears vs. Giants: 10-3-10
BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-3-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bears vs. Packers: 9-27-10
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-27-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?
Des: Because all four teams suck?
SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.
Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.
Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?
Des: Because all four teams suck?
SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.
Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.
Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.
Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-19-10
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-19-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Web-site is rebuilding
Arrh, mateys! Sorry about me absence of late! Me fleet of nautical vessels was tragically blown off course by the various hurricanes that have been plaguing the seven seas of late. The most tragic development this season was the destruction of me flagship vessel that contained me voluminous pirate vocabulary. Fortunately, the recent celebration of "Talk Like a Pirate Day", plus numerous casks of rum, has created a liquid foundation for me to rebuild. Meanwhile, the Bears are 2-0. Go Bears! May your foes crumble, like a, uh... I'll get back to ye! Me pirate vocab server be not working! ARRRRHHHH!!!!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Bears vs. Lions: 1-3-10
BEARS VS. LIONS: 1-3-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Lions after an amazing win against the Vikings. Can the Bears build on their strengths displayed in last week’s game? Or will they need a new Mike Brady-esque architect to redesign the offense with Frank Lloyd Wright-style unconventionality?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Obi-Wan” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed advertiser of sports products, Tiger Woods.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since the NFL season is pretty much over, these be my college bowl picks for next year: Oklahoma defeats NIU in the Empire Carpet Bowl, Texas Tech beats Indiana in the Big Scary Closet Bowl, MIT destroys Stanford in the Droid Bowl, University of Phoenix defeats DeVry in the John Madden Virtual Bowl, and Bud Light defeats Budweiser Select in the Bud Bowl.
Des: Captain, do those bowls even exist?
SR: And the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, the County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, and the Brut Sun Bowl should be treated with more respect just because they actually exist? Besides, once I have successfully pirated CBS’s signal during the Super-bowl, the Bud Bowl will rise again. If what’s left of the Who play “Behind Blue Eyes” during the half time show, that’s when I will take command of the airwaves.
Des: Let me take a moment to credit “Friend of the Blog” H for suggesting the bowl selection concept. I know he wanted me to wait until next December, but…
Modre: Des, your willingness to suspend Western perceptions of comedic timing will one day endear you to Eastern audiences. The true irony is that this will occur 100 years into the future.
Des: Tiger Woods. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Tiger: How much endorsement money am I being paid for this?
PM: Oh, Des. That joke was well worth waiting six weeks after the Tiger Woods story broke.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “GoDaddy.com”, where Tiger Woods will appear alongside Danica Patrick soon.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Lions after an amazing win against the Vikings. Can the Bears build on their strengths displayed in last week’s game? Or will they need a new Mike Brady-esque architect to redesign the offense with Frank Lloyd Wright-style unconventionality?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Obi-Wan” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed advertiser of sports products, Tiger Woods.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since the NFL season is pretty much over, these be my college bowl picks for next year: Oklahoma defeats NIU in the Empire Carpet Bowl, Texas Tech beats Indiana in the Big Scary Closet Bowl, MIT destroys Stanford in the Droid Bowl, University of Phoenix defeats DeVry in the John Madden Virtual Bowl, and Bud Light defeats Budweiser Select in the Bud Bowl.
Des: Captain, do those bowls even exist?
SR: And the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, the County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, and the Brut Sun Bowl should be treated with more respect just because they actually exist? Besides, once I have successfully pirated CBS’s signal during the Super-bowl, the Bud Bowl will rise again. If what’s left of the Who play “Behind Blue Eyes” during the half time show, that’s when I will take command of the airwaves.
Des: Let me take a moment to credit “Friend of the Blog” H for suggesting the bowl selection concept. I know he wanted me to wait until next December, but…
Modre: Des, your willingness to suspend Western perceptions of comedic timing will one day endear you to Eastern audiences. The true irony is that this will occur 100 years into the future.
Des: Tiger Woods. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Tiger: How much endorsement money am I being paid for this?
PM: Oh, Des. That joke was well worth waiting six weeks after the Tiger Woods story broke.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “GoDaddy.com”, where Tiger Woods will appear alongside Danica Patrick soon.
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