BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 11-18-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Oakland Raiders with acceptable defense and one good pass from Rex Grossman. Will Chicago be able run the table by catching seven consecutive teams looking past the Bears? Or will Kyle Ortin be the topic of next week’s quarterback controversy?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Cobra Commander Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sailing off the Pacific Coast, a Seahawk deposited sacred guano upon me red bandana. Therefore, the Bears will defeat the Seahawks in a 13-10 nail-biter… or, in my case, a hook-buffing, which truly be a soothing way to release nervous energy before engaging a Carnival cruise ship on the field of battle. Oh, the shuffle board decks ‘twill be soaked with the blood of unsuspecting tourists, laddies!
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Uh, I passed out drunk and somebody duct taped me naked to an elevator floor. At least I think it’s an elevator. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The hand that caresses can also slap. Or give a karate chop to the solar plexus.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 lifetime against teams whose coach weighs more than their offensive line. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jacques Derrida once said, “As soon as there is language, generality has entered the scene.” Unless it’s one of your tapes, Des, which are delightfully random!
Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you reconsider what it means to be human! Or… something slightly less pretentious.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Bears v Raiders: 11-11-07
BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-11-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Oakland Raiders after having two weeks to ponder their loss against Detroit. Will the Bears be able to defeat another lackluster team? Or will Chicago sports fans have to find some other bandwagon to jump on?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “CAVE-MAAAAN!” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This Sunday, the Bears must engage me beloved Raiders on the field of battle. I must betray me nautical heritage and predict a Bears victory against a team that would fail to terrify even the scurvy Captain Squiffy DuFluffypants and His Merry Margarita Mariners.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: The flames from my trash can BBQ have escaped and are burning down my Bears trailer. Luckily, my kids are spread out with my various ex wives. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What’s the Bears wining formula?
Modre: The square root of infinity divided by zero. Or a better turnover ratio.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 17-6 lifetime against teams whose fans’ alcohol consumption exceeds that of Russia. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Michel Foucault once said, “The power to punish is not essentially different from that of curing or educating.” Or sports broadcasting.
Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will dazzle your senses and challenge your mind! Or make you bloated and sleepy.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Oakland Raiders after having two weeks to ponder their loss against Detroit. Will the Bears be able to defeat another lackluster team? Or will Chicago sports fans have to find some other bandwagon to jump on?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “CAVE-MAAAAN!” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This Sunday, the Bears must engage me beloved Raiders on the field of battle. I must betray me nautical heritage and predict a Bears victory against a team that would fail to terrify even the scurvy Captain Squiffy DuFluffypants and His Merry Margarita Mariners.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: The flames from my trash can BBQ have escaped and are burning down my Bears trailer. Luckily, my kids are spread out with my various ex wives. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What’s the Bears wining formula?
Modre: The square root of infinity divided by zero. Or a better turnover ratio.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 17-6 lifetime against teams whose fans’ alcohol consumption exceeds that of Russia. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Michel Foucault once said, “The power to punish is not essentially different from that of curing or educating.” Or sports broadcasting.
Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will dazzle your senses and challenge your mind! Or make you bloated and sleepy.
Bears v Lions: 10-28-07
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-28-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a game that may avenge Chicago’s embarrassing fourth quarter collapse in week 4. Will the Bears offense and defense be so vanilla that the opposing team will be lulled into a deep slumber, enabling the Bears to win during the last ten minutes of play? Or will the Bears 4-second defense fail to restrain the Lions’ offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Cure” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since damaging me gastro-intestinal tract is the only way I can devise accurate predictions, I swallowed 1 ¾ cups of Clorox 2, which I normally use to swab the poop deck to unsuccessfully prevent scabies. Me “upset” pick: the Miami Dolphins will defeat the New York Giants across the pond in a match that will truly display the best of American football to our English cousins… upon whom I will soon wreak a horrible vengeance for their naval atrocities during the War of 1812!
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’m sitting in Bears jail for throwing a beer bottle at Joe Buck. Or maybe it was some kid. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: What a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away. Not even one with the combined wisdom of Shuma-Gorath and Vishnu!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 lifetime against teams whose combined income exceeds the entire city of Detroit. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Camus once said, “Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.” And what are you, Des?
Des: Uh… sit back and watch your hypnotic Soldier Field snow globe as the Bears grapple in a match that will answer questions you shouldn’t have asked!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a game that may avenge Chicago’s embarrassing fourth quarter collapse in week 4. Will the Bears offense and defense be so vanilla that the opposing team will be lulled into a deep slumber, enabling the Bears to win during the last ten minutes of play? Or will the Bears 4-second defense fail to restrain the Lions’ offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Cure” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since damaging me gastro-intestinal tract is the only way I can devise accurate predictions, I swallowed 1 ¾ cups of Clorox 2, which I normally use to swab the poop deck to unsuccessfully prevent scabies. Me “upset” pick: the Miami Dolphins will defeat the New York Giants across the pond in a match that will truly display the best of American football to our English cousins… upon whom I will soon wreak a horrible vengeance for their naval atrocities during the War of 1812!
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’m sitting in Bears jail for throwing a beer bottle at Joe Buck. Or maybe it was some kid. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: What a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away. Not even one with the combined wisdom of Shuma-Gorath and Vishnu!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 lifetime against teams whose combined income exceeds the entire city of Detroit. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Camus once said, “Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.” And what are you, Des?
Des: Uh… sit back and watch your hypnotic Soldier Field snow globe as the Bears grapple in a match that will answer questions you shouldn’t have asked!
Bears v Eagles: 10-21-07
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 10-21-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a game that was supposed to be the marquee match-up until a resurgent Dallas Cowboys nudged the Bears out of the spotlight. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will defensive injuries and erratic quarterbacking reduce the Bears to a pleasant Sunday diversion?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Pokemon Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The whale I slaughtered and consumed for breakfast is giving me a mighty upset stomach that not even the pinkest of bismuth can sooth. Therefore, me “upset” pick this Sunday ‘twill be the Buffalo Bills defeating the Baltimore Ravens.
Des: Uh, Captain, you do realize that none of your picks this season have won.
SR: Oh, fathers Neptune and Poseidon! Why have you forsaken me?!?
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My skin is burning from using acrylic spray paint to cover my face in orange and blue. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: For the Bears to win, they must not think bad thoughts, despite numerous opportunities they may have to do so.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 21-11 lifetime against teams where only 37% of its members are Freemasons. I can’t say which ones, though. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Socrates once said, "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
Des: How’s that woman-haters’ club coming along, Prissy? Sit back and watch in your Maury Buford… I mean, Rex Grossman… jersey as the Bears grapple in a match that will erase all doubt… that instant replay would be really bad for baseball.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a game that was supposed to be the marquee match-up until a resurgent Dallas Cowboys nudged the Bears out of the spotlight. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will defensive injuries and erratic quarterbacking reduce the Bears to a pleasant Sunday diversion?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Pokemon Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The whale I slaughtered and consumed for breakfast is giving me a mighty upset stomach that not even the pinkest of bismuth can sooth. Therefore, me “upset” pick this Sunday ‘twill be the Buffalo Bills defeating the Baltimore Ravens.
Des: Uh, Captain, you do realize that none of your picks this season have won.
SR: Oh, fathers Neptune and Poseidon! Why have you forsaken me?!?
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My skin is burning from using acrylic spray paint to cover my face in orange and blue. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: For the Bears to win, they must not think bad thoughts, despite numerous opportunities they may have to do so.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 21-11 lifetime against teams where only 37% of its members are Freemasons. I can’t say which ones, though. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Socrates once said, "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
Des: How’s that woman-haters’ club coming along, Prissy? Sit back and watch in your Maury Buford… I mean, Rex Grossman… jersey as the Bears grapple in a match that will erase all doubt… that instant replay would be really bad for baseball.
Bears v Vikings: 10-14-07
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-14-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings, a team plagued by injured quarterbacks and locker room fights. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to go 3-3? Or will the Bears offense score more points for the Vikings than the Vikings offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Red-rum Red-beard, Modre font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After stirring me slop bucket with the Silver Oar of Long John Silver, an image forms of the Colts defeating the Lions.
Des: Uh, Captain, the Colts and Lions both have bye weeks this Sunday.
SR: Are ye challenging me authority, Des? You’ll be dancing the hempen jig for your impudence!
Des: Meaning what?
SR: You’ll be hung, Des. Try to keep up with the hip new lingo all the cabin boys are using.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My Bears Winnebago was ransacked while I was passed out. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must leave their happy space and find their angry space that dwells within all NFL players.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 16-7 lifetime against teams with Astroturf made by the Monsanto Corporation. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Immanuel Kant once said, "Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.” Does this remind you of someone you know, Des?
Des: Sit back and watch in your crushed velour Bears Polo shirt and don’t pass out drunk, unless you want to awaken as a Pod person - - or a Raiders fan.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings, a team plagued by injured quarterbacks and locker room fights. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to go 3-3? Or will the Bears offense score more points for the Vikings than the Vikings offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Red-rum Red-beard, Modre font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After stirring me slop bucket with the Silver Oar of Long John Silver, an image forms of the Colts defeating the Lions.
Des: Uh, Captain, the Colts and Lions both have bye weeks this Sunday.
SR: Are ye challenging me authority, Des? You’ll be dancing the hempen jig for your impudence!
Des: Meaning what?
SR: You’ll be hung, Des. Try to keep up with the hip new lingo all the cabin boys are using.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My Bears Winnebago was ransacked while I was passed out. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must leave their happy space and find their angry space that dwells within all NFL players.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 16-7 lifetime against teams with Astroturf made by the Monsanto Corporation. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Immanuel Kant once said, "Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.” Does this remind you of someone you know, Des?
Des: Sit back and watch in your crushed velour Bears Polo shirt and don’t pass out drunk, unless you want to awaken as a Pod person - - or a Raiders fan.
Bears v Packers: 10-7-07
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 10-7-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, a team whose resurgence is powered by the cheese-fed arterio-sclerotic genius of Brett Favre. Will the Bears defense force Favre to try to save his team all by his lonesome? Or will the Packers score 60 points during the last two minutes of each half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Lucifer Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After I constructed a fetish of Captain Stubing from TV’s Love Boat, I commanded him to reveal this week’s sure-fire pick: ‘tis the Denver Broncos that will emerge victorious this week against the floundering San Diego Chargers.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My kids wandered off and I’m missing my Bloody Mary thermos. I’ve got more tomato juice, though. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must master the art of striking their opponents unawares. Therefore, Brian Griese must blind the Packers defense with dazzling offensive plays. Or flash paper.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams located above the 38th parallel. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your inflatable Bears chair, as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget that the Presidential race has already been decided in secret.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, a team whose resurgence is powered by the cheese-fed arterio-sclerotic genius of Brett Favre. Will the Bears defense force Favre to try to save his team all by his lonesome? Or will the Packers score 60 points during the last two minutes of each half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Lucifer Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After I constructed a fetish of Captain Stubing from TV’s Love Boat, I commanded him to reveal this week’s sure-fire pick: ‘tis the Denver Broncos that will emerge victorious this week against the floundering San Diego Chargers.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My kids wandered off and I’m missing my Bloody Mary thermos. I’ve got more tomato juice, though. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must master the art of striking their opponents unawares. Therefore, Brian Griese must blind the Packers defense with dazzling offensive plays. Or flash paper.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams located above the 38th parallel. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your inflatable Bears chair, as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget that the Presidential race has already been decided in secret.
Bears v Lions- 9-30-07
BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-30-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team whose quarterback has promised a random number of wins this season. Will Brian Griese provide a spark to Ron Turner’s moribund offense? Or will the Bears be overshadowed by the Cubs’ run for the pennant?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Gargamel Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand before Captain Red-beard’s Court of Jamaican Justice. After ye plead your case, I retire to me “chambers” and inhale the vapors of vengeance, balanced by the beverage of beneficence. Then I return drunk and stoned to render me verdict. I find the Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Falcons guilty of the crime of football incompetence and predict that both teams will fall to an 0-4 record today.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Me and my buddies drank two kegs of beer, one box of wine, and a fifth of Jack Daniels. And that was before we left Schaumburg to drive to Soldier Field. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Football is like a game of Connect Four. The Bears must employ strategies that leave their opponents thinking, “Pretty sneaky, sis.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 lifetime when the misery index of inflation and the prime rate exceed 10 points. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As John Maynard Keynes once said, “In the long run, we’re all dead.”
Des: Sit back and watch on your Quasar, by Motorola, as the Bears grapple in a match that, hopefully, is not a metaphor for something in your personal life.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team whose quarterback has promised a random number of wins this season. Will Brian Griese provide a spark to Ron Turner’s moribund offense? Or will the Bears be overshadowed by the Cubs’ run for the pennant?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Gargamel Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand before Captain Red-beard’s Court of Jamaican Justice. After ye plead your case, I retire to me “chambers” and inhale the vapors of vengeance, balanced by the beverage of beneficence. Then I return drunk and stoned to render me verdict. I find the Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Falcons guilty of the crime of football incompetence and predict that both teams will fall to an 0-4 record today.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Me and my buddies drank two kegs of beer, one box of wine, and a fifth of Jack Daniels. And that was before we left Schaumburg to drive to Soldier Field. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Football is like a game of Connect Four. The Bears must employ strategies that leave their opponents thinking, “Pretty sneaky, sis.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 lifetime when the misery index of inflation and the prime rate exceed 10 points. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As John Maynard Keynes once said, “In the long run, we’re all dead.”
Des: Sit back and watch on your Quasar, by Motorola, as the Bears grapple in a match that, hopefully, is not a metaphor for something in your personal life.
Bears v Cowboys 9-23-07
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-23-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, a team that is struggling mightily with a 2-0 record after the departures of Drew Bledsoe and the Big Tuna. Will the Bears defense prevent the Cowboys’ offense--- and Bears’ offense--- from scoring 40 points against them? Or will the turnover ratio be 10 to 7 in the Cowboys’ favor?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bubble-vicious” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand accused before Captain Red-beard’s drum-head court of football infamy. The AFC east division will not win a single game this season, with the exception of the New England Patriots. What must you do to save yourselves? Fall on your one good knee and plead for the mercy of this court, and, maybe, just maybe, I’ll reveal the frequencies to Coach Belichek’s headsets.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I burned a bunch of lines on my face after passing out on my grill. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the Bears offense and defense are linked together like the hands that once crossed America and solved the homeless crisis, then even once-disposable heroes will transcend their obvious limitations.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who have a 20 point IQ differential with the Bears. Notice I didn’t say in which direction. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies”. I don’t think they mean criminal convictions. I hope.
Des: Sit back and watch on your “Oooo, I’m so cool” I-pod as the Bears face off in a clash that will mark an important turning point… in your doomed marriage.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, a team that is struggling mightily with a 2-0 record after the departures of Drew Bledsoe and the Big Tuna. Will the Bears defense prevent the Cowboys’ offense--- and Bears’ offense--- from scoring 40 points against them? Or will the turnover ratio be 10 to 7 in the Cowboys’ favor?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bubble-vicious” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand accused before Captain Red-beard’s drum-head court of football infamy. The AFC east division will not win a single game this season, with the exception of the New England Patriots. What must you do to save yourselves? Fall on your one good knee and plead for the mercy of this court, and, maybe, just maybe, I’ll reveal the frequencies to Coach Belichek’s headsets.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I burned a bunch of lines on my face after passing out on my grill. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the Bears offense and defense are linked together like the hands that once crossed America and solved the homeless crisis, then even once-disposable heroes will transcend their obvious limitations.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who have a 20 point IQ differential with the Bears. Notice I didn’t say in which direction. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies”. I don’t think they mean criminal convictions. I hope.
Des: Sit back and watch on your “Oooo, I’m so cool” I-pod as the Bears face off in a clash that will mark an important turning point… in your doomed marriage.
Bears v Chiefs: 9-16-07
BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 9-16-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, a team that has never quite lived up to expectations. Will Rex Grossman gain the composure and consistency that has eluded him throughout his professional career? Or will Kyle Orton have to “bear up” with a Thermos of White Russians to take on the Chiefs’ defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles DuFarquar Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and introducing tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Over the weekend, as I was sailing the Straits of Magellan, I stared into the abyss, which also stared back at me… and gave me a vision of this year’s playoffs. Here be Captain Red-beard’s treasure map to the Super-bowl: In the AFC, I foresee New England, Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and Kansas City sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, Dallas, Carolina, and St. Louis unfurling division championship banners, while Green Bay and Philadelphia must suffer the ignominy of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prediction, ye minnows in a gambling pool that be too murky for one without the vision of me unseeing glass eye: The Chicago Bears will defeat the New England Patriots in this year’s Super-bowl, as Bill Belichek’s subterfuge will not be enough to confuse Brad Maynard, who will be the Bears quarterback by then. And if that doesn’t happen, then it’ll be Dallas vs. Denver, in a repeat of a less interesting Super-bowl.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’ve been drunk longer then Rex Grossman’s been alive. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the forces of celestial light and darkness are in perfect alignment, then Mike Brown might play more than a game and half per season.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-5 lifetime against teams with Native American mascots when the air pressure is 900 to 1,100 millibars and the Gross Domestic Product annual increase is 3.9%. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “What is new, however, is always evil… and only what is old is good.” That’s from The Gay Science, Des. Think about it.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, a team that has never quite lived up to expectations. Will Rex Grossman gain the composure and consistency that has eluded him throughout his professional career? Or will Kyle Orton have to “bear up” with a Thermos of White Russians to take on the Chiefs’ defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles DuFarquar Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and introducing tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Over the weekend, as I was sailing the Straits of Magellan, I stared into the abyss, which also stared back at me… and gave me a vision of this year’s playoffs. Here be Captain Red-beard’s treasure map to the Super-bowl: In the AFC, I foresee New England, Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and Kansas City sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, Dallas, Carolina, and St. Louis unfurling division championship banners, while Green Bay and Philadelphia must suffer the ignominy of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prediction, ye minnows in a gambling pool that be too murky for one without the vision of me unseeing glass eye: The Chicago Bears will defeat the New England Patriots in this year’s Super-bowl, as Bill Belichek’s subterfuge will not be enough to confuse Brad Maynard, who will be the Bears quarterback by then. And if that doesn’t happen, then it’ll be Dallas vs. Denver, in a repeat of a less interesting Super-bowl.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’ve been drunk longer then Rex Grossman’s been alive. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the forces of celestial light and darkness are in perfect alignment, then Mike Brown might play more than a game and half per season.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-5 lifetime against teams with Native American mascots when the air pressure is 900 to 1,100 millibars and the Gross Domestic Product annual increase is 3.9%. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “What is new, however, is always evil… and only what is old is good.” That’s from The Gay Science, Des. Think about it.
Bears v Chargers: 9-9-07
BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-9-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team in disarray after the firing of Marty Shottenheimer. Will the Chargers answer the challenge presented by the Bears? Or will the entire offensive line find themselves imprisoned by some bizarre allegation involving strippers, steroids, gambling, guns, drugs, and dwarves?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Satanicus Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, and the Prissy Minion.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare to fill your treasure chests with gambling booty as Captain Red-beard unveils his predictions for this Bears season, as unveiled to me by Cthulu, the hip, new deity of evil, unlike Loki, last year’s flavor of the month. And Cthulu has tentacles, which fits in with the nautical motif I’ve tried so hard to maintain. I foresee the Bears going 11-5 this season, defeating the Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins, plus their division rivals Packers, Lions, and Vikings twice. But they will fall to defeat against the might of the Eagles, Raiders, Seahawks, Broncos, and Saints.
Des: Lee Belcher. What are the Bears’ keys to victory?
Lee: Keys to victory, Des? Like the keys I used to scratch the paint off your loser-mobile? The key to victory is for the Bears to use quarterbacks like pitchers in baseball. Rex Grossman should be the starting quarterback, then Brian Griese should be the reliever, and Kyle Orton should be the closer. It worked in pre-season.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the waterfall of certain victory crashes against the rocks of despair, there you will find Rex Grossman in a football shaped barrel.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-4 lifetime against West Coast teams that start and end with the letter “S” when the relative humidity is 25 to 50% and the Forbes 500 has outperformed the stock marker. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: With a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and you.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch in an arterio-sclerotic hell of your own making as the Bears face off in a glorious battle that will make you forget your mounting credit card debt until they cut off your cable.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team in disarray after the firing of Marty Shottenheimer. Will the Chargers answer the challenge presented by the Bears? Or will the entire offensive line find themselves imprisoned by some bizarre allegation involving strippers, steroids, gambling, guns, drugs, and dwarves?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Satanicus Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, and the Prissy Minion.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare to fill your treasure chests with gambling booty as Captain Red-beard unveils his predictions for this Bears season, as unveiled to me by Cthulu, the hip, new deity of evil, unlike Loki, last year’s flavor of the month. And Cthulu has tentacles, which fits in with the nautical motif I’ve tried so hard to maintain. I foresee the Bears going 11-5 this season, defeating the Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins, plus their division rivals Packers, Lions, and Vikings twice. But they will fall to defeat against the might of the Eagles, Raiders, Seahawks, Broncos, and Saints.
Des: Lee Belcher. What are the Bears’ keys to victory?
Lee: Keys to victory, Des? Like the keys I used to scratch the paint off your loser-mobile? The key to victory is for the Bears to use quarterbacks like pitchers in baseball. Rex Grossman should be the starting quarterback, then Brian Griese should be the reliever, and Kyle Orton should be the closer. It worked in pre-season.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the waterfall of certain victory crashes against the rocks of despair, there you will find Rex Grossman in a football shaped barrel.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-4 lifetime against West Coast teams that start and end with the letter “S” when the relative humidity is 25 to 50% and the Forbes 500 has outperformed the stock marker. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: With a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and you.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch in an arterio-sclerotic hell of your own making as the Bears face off in a glorious battle that will make you forget your mounting credit card debt until they cut off your cable.
02-04-07 Bears vs. Colts
02-04-07: BEARS VS. COLTS
Des: Welcome to the Super-bowl edition of the Chicago Bears football pre game show.
The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts, as predicted by Captain Redbeard during Week 2 of the regular season. Will the Bears complete their improbable journey to championship greatness? Or will Payton Manning finally silence the critics of his ubiquitous Visa ads?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tomczak Redbeard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and disgruntled ’87 Spare Bear, Bjorn Stangerland.
SR: ARRRH… Well, Father Neptune, whose dolphin-esque melodic revelations foreshadowed this year’s Super-bowl, and who be the source of all true wisdom, both on and off the Seven Seas, has once again chosen me as his Earthly vessel. By staring into a toilet bowl until Neptune’s visage replaced my own, I have divined a Bears victory as Payton Manning will somehow throw interceptions into the arms of every single Bears defenseman. ‘Twill be the first Super-bowl won without the winning team’s quarterback throwin’ a single pass.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts about the Super-bowl?
CWS: I am fully prepared to add another level to my display case of my 1985 Bears action figures with the heroes of today’s Super-bowl.
Des: Bjorn Stangerland. Your response.
BS: I’m still angry that former fellow Spare Bear and New Orleans coach Sean Peyton did not beat the Bears last week.
Des: Modre, how will the Bears emerge victorious?
M: Your football Bears must become their opponents. Only slightly better.
Des: Prissy Minion. What creepy fantasy will you use to finish off this pre-game show?
PM: Oh, Des, just watching your child like joy as the Bears win another Super-bowl is enough for me.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in their second Super-bowl, and resist the temptation to turn over and burn your neighbors’ cars. Unless your neighbor happens to be Joe Buck.
Des: Welcome to the Super-bowl edition of the Chicago Bears football pre game show.
The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts, as predicted by Captain Redbeard during Week 2 of the regular season. Will the Bears complete their improbable journey to championship greatness? Or will Payton Manning finally silence the critics of his ubiquitous Visa ads?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tomczak Redbeard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and disgruntled ’87 Spare Bear, Bjorn Stangerland.
SR: ARRRH… Well, Father Neptune, whose dolphin-esque melodic revelations foreshadowed this year’s Super-bowl, and who be the source of all true wisdom, both on and off the Seven Seas, has once again chosen me as his Earthly vessel. By staring into a toilet bowl until Neptune’s visage replaced my own, I have divined a Bears victory as Payton Manning will somehow throw interceptions into the arms of every single Bears defenseman. ‘Twill be the first Super-bowl won without the winning team’s quarterback throwin’ a single pass.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts about the Super-bowl?
CWS: I am fully prepared to add another level to my display case of my 1985 Bears action figures with the heroes of today’s Super-bowl.
Des: Bjorn Stangerland. Your response.
BS: I’m still angry that former fellow Spare Bear and New Orleans coach Sean Peyton did not beat the Bears last week.
Des: Modre, how will the Bears emerge victorious?
M: Your football Bears must become their opponents. Only slightly better.
Des: Prissy Minion. What creepy fantasy will you use to finish off this pre-game show?
PM: Oh, Des, just watching your child like joy as the Bears win another Super-bowl is enough for me.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in their second Super-bowl, and resist the temptation to turn over and burn your neighbors’ cars. Unless your neighbor happens to be Joe Buck.
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