BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-4-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.
Des: Madonna. Your impressions.
M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”
SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.
Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?
CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?
Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-09
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 9-27-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after a dramatic victory against the Super-bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Will the Bears be able to effectively use their momentum to establish a winning streak? Or will Brian Urlacher and his shattered wrist be forced to make five turnovers all by his lonesome?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Psychedelic Panther Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and former NBA legend Michael Jordan.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Free of charge, I be providing the Bears valuable advice by applying successful pirate strategies to football. Abandon the Wildcat offense and the shotgun formation. Instead, use the “Cat o’ nine tails” offense to bedevil your opponents. It’s a nine-receiver set. Trust me, it worked against the HMS Pinafore.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ lightning-fast special teams and three-dimensional offense remind me of the time I was a grave robber and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In Japan, September 21st was keiro no hi, or Respect for the Aged Day, and so we must honor Brett Favre… while also seeking to destroy him!
Des: Michael Jordan. Your impressions.
MJ: “Tex [Winter] reminded me that there’s no ‘I’ in team… I said, ‘There’s an ‘I’ in win. So whichever way you want it.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Take this somewhere.
PM: Anyway you want it, Des, that’s the way you need it.
Des: Thanks, Steve Perry. Sit back and watch as the Bears draw a line in the sand… and then build a sand castle with a cute little moat :)
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after a dramatic victory against the Super-bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Will the Bears be able to effectively use their momentum to establish a winning streak? Or will Brian Urlacher and his shattered wrist be forced to make five turnovers all by his lonesome?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Psychedelic Panther Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and former NBA legend Michael Jordan.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Free of charge, I be providing the Bears valuable advice by applying successful pirate strategies to football. Abandon the Wildcat offense and the shotgun formation. Instead, use the “Cat o’ nine tails” offense to bedevil your opponents. It’s a nine-receiver set. Trust me, it worked against the HMS Pinafore.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ lightning-fast special teams and three-dimensional offense remind me of the time I was a grave robber and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In Japan, September 21st was keiro no hi, or Respect for the Aged Day, and so we must honor Brett Favre… while also seeking to destroy him!
Des: Michael Jordan. Your impressions.
MJ: “Tex [Winter] reminded me that there’s no ‘I’ in team… I said, ‘There’s an ‘I’ in win. So whichever way you want it.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Take this somewhere.
PM: Anyway you want it, Des, that’s the way you need it.
Des: Thanks, Steve Perry. Sit back and watch as the Bears draw a line in the sand… and then build a sand castle with a cute little moat :)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.
SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.
Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?
OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.
SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.
Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?
OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bears vs. Packers: 12-22-08
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-22-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers in a must-win game (assuming the Vikings don’t win on Sunday). Can the Bears take advantage of a Green Bay team still struggling to fill the hole left by the tragic departure of Brett Favre? Or will Chicago be forced to endure the eternal, icy vengeance of Mr. Freeze without the distraction of post-season football?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sasha Fierce” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, the evil magician from “Frosty the snowman”, Professor Hinkle.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Matt Forte, me right toe is throbbin’ painfully. Therefore, I foresee the Bears running the table like me pirate armada knifed through the United Nations’ blockade of the Horn of Africa. Wait, that ended in tragedy for all involved. Disregard that prediction.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 8-6 this year against teams in cities on the brink of economic disaster. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Deng Xiaoping once said, “It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.” Does this mean the return of Rex Grossman is in the cards? No.
Des: Professor Hinkle. What are your thoughts?
PH: I must get that hat back! Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty!
Des: Now you go home and write "I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty" a hundred zillion times. And then maybe - just maybe, mind you - you'll find something in your stocking tomorrow morning. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: Oh, Des. You are the true spirit of Christmas.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Singletary for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a match that will save Christmas in the only way possible… through violence.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers in a must-win game (assuming the Vikings don’t win on Sunday). Can the Bears take advantage of a Green Bay team still struggling to fill the hole left by the tragic departure of Brett Favre? Or will Chicago be forced to endure the eternal, icy vengeance of Mr. Freeze without the distraction of post-season football?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sasha Fierce” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, the evil magician from “Frosty the snowman”, Professor Hinkle.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Matt Forte, me right toe is throbbin’ painfully. Therefore, I foresee the Bears running the table like me pirate armada knifed through the United Nations’ blockade of the Horn of Africa. Wait, that ended in tragedy for all involved. Disregard that prediction.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 8-6 this year against teams in cities on the brink of economic disaster. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Deng Xiaoping once said, “It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.” Does this mean the return of Rex Grossman is in the cards? No.
Des: Professor Hinkle. What are your thoughts?
PH: I must get that hat back! Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty!
Des: Now you go home and write "I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty" a hundred zillion times. And then maybe - just maybe, mind you - you'll find something in your stocking tomorrow morning. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: Oh, Des. You are the true spirit of Christmas.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Singletary for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a match that will save Christmas in the only way possible… through violence.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Bears vs. Saints: 12-11-08
BEARS VS. SAINTS: 12-11-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.
Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?
BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.
Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?
BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Bears vs. Jaguars: 12-7-08
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 12-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-30-08
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-30-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after destroying the Rams. Will Chicago stand tall and proud as the sole leader of the NFC North with a 7-5 record? Or will Minnesota’s offense power them through Bears’ injury-plagued defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joey-Joe-Joe-Shabadoo” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! There be no better way to spend $2 million in ransom for a French luxury yacht than me football “picks to click”. I select Miami over the Rams, the Colts defeat the Browns, and the Panthers tear up the Packers. I choose the 49ers as me “upset” pick over the Bills.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 12-4 against teams in states governed by former comedians, professional wrestlers, and other failed entertainers. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the NFC North, you don’t have to be good, just good… enough.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine kameraden. "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.” And, if you’re Fox Sports, more pointless and pseudo patriotic.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. I can see why genderanalyzer.com said there was a 62% chance that this website was written by a woman.
Des: Sit back and watch with your bucket of Bud as the Bears face off in a battle that will renew your Spirit of Christmas with a combination of violence and commercialism not seen since “Chuck Norris Saves Christmas”.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after destroying the Rams. Will Chicago stand tall and proud as the sole leader of the NFC North with a 7-5 record? Or will Minnesota’s offense power them through Bears’ injury-plagued defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joey-Joe-Joe-Shabadoo” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! There be no better way to spend $2 million in ransom for a French luxury yacht than me football “picks to click”. I select Miami over the Rams, the Colts defeat the Browns, and the Panthers tear up the Packers. I choose the 49ers as me “upset” pick over the Bills.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 12-4 against teams in states governed by former comedians, professional wrestlers, and other failed entertainers. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the NFC North, you don’t have to be good, just good… enough.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine kameraden. "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.” And, if you’re Fox Sports, more pointless and pseudo patriotic.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. I can see why genderanalyzer.com said there was a 62% chance that this website was written by a woman.
Des: Sit back and watch with your bucket of Bud as the Bears face off in a battle that will renew your Spirit of Christmas with a combination of violence and commercialism not seen since “Chuck Norris Saves Christmas”.
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