Bears vs. Buccaneers: 12-21-2015

Des: Welcome to a one of a handful of editions of the Chicago Bears football play-by-play (more or less) show of the second quarter of the Bears/Buccaneers game.

Redbeard: Of which I have more than a passing interest, mateys! For once.

Des: Indeed. The Bears have carved a niche for themselves as the team that scares their opponents in the fourth quarter without actually beating them. Will this trend continue against their former mentor Lovie Smith, much as some Force Awakens character does against its clumsy analog to Ben Kenobi? Or will the Bears begin their assent to greatness by jettisoning whatever their version of Jar Jar Binks is? (A hint: Their analog better not be Matt Forte). Or will the Bears continue to get breaks that negate costly turnovers that are magically transformed into Bears first downs, and subsequently touchdowns?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: But first... Bears get up to the 2 yard line of Tampa Bay based on a pass interference call against the Bucs. And now the Bears have a touchdown to tie things up.

Redbeard: Aye. Pass interference be a major flaw that afflicts all of us of the Brotherhood of the Briny Deep, both on and off the water. Once upon a jolly swagman, I remembereth... did Robbie Gould score an extra point?

Des: Yeah, Captain. Your vessel upon which we have inexplicably decided to perform today's play-by-play action does not have Wi-fi that extends to your bathroom, which, for reasons too awful to repeat, is called a "head." 

Concord: Bears get a forced fumble, demonstrating what we hope is another block of a future mighty defense!

Des: And Concord Peabody demonstrates the limitations of a blog based on a "Live" transmission of an NFL game using a "Several Tiers Under Platinum Data Plan." Somehow we jump from the Bears scoring a touchdown directly to the Buccaneers turning over the ball at mid-field. Let's return to game somewhere in progress.

Sally: Des, this play is third and brutally short for the Bears and Chicago earns a first day... which is awesome, because it prevents me from making a clumsy height joke about Captain Redbeard. Meanwhile, the Bears plow down to the Buccaneers' 22 yard line. Now they are within the Bucs' "Red Zone."

Modre: The Bears make their way to the "Dr. Pepper Red Zone." As an obscurantist, I prefer to think of it as the "Mr. Pibb Red Zone."

Des: Or the "Diet Rite Red Zone."

Concord: While you guys are busy making dumb references to long deceased colas, the Bears had to settle for a field goal. Nonetheless, Bears lead 10-7 with 3 minutes left in the first half!

Des: So... even though there is almost no time left, let's finish our intro: To answer these and similar.. events (?)... is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody...

Sally: And the game resumes with Tampa Bay's offense taking the field. Eddie Goldman gets a really important sack against Tampa Bay's quarterback at a crucial fourth down, which calls forth the 2 minute warning. Now for some really ridiculous background music if you are listening to this game via the NFL app on a "smart" phone.

Des: ..is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Darth Hideous" Redbeard...

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHH, mateys. Be ye really entrusted with so much time that we can cram in multiple Star Wars references?

Sally: Bears get to the 24 yard line with a minute left in the half... and now they are at the 10 yard line with 30 seconds to go, and they take a time out. Then Cutler throws incomplete... now he completes a pass to Royal for a five yard gain, they call another time out. 

Sally: Five yard penalty against the Bears for a false star penalty. This will cost them the run, probably. 

Sally: Incomplete pass to the end zone to Eddie Royal in the end zone... very catchable.

Des: So the Bears go into halftime with a 13-7 lead... let's add the voices of Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Prissy Minion, and Drunky McDumbAss as we wrap things up.

Ellie: Well, Des, to transition from football to Trump, let's think about your worst nightmare, which used to be that a hillbilly sheriff from my stomping grounds of the ultra-deep south would become the Republican nominee. How does it feel to see your stereotype of me being embodied by a New Yorker who might be your next president?

Des: Yeah, until now I never really saw the 2016 race as a possible clash between two New York natives, and that one would be a transplanted Arkansan who would be considered the more liberal of the two. Thanks for depressing me further, Ellie Mae. Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself, would you?

Prissy: Gladly, Des. Though Yuletide tidings of comfort and joy may be beyond my power as we enter the doldrums between Christmas and New Year's Eve, consider that I, and probably future cultural historians hired by the last humanoids running the Monsanto Corporation, think of this blog as one whose copious servings of play-by-excitement, Star Wars references, and oblique Donald Trump commentary yield a rich concoction of flavorful delight-ment that are both good and good for you.

Des: Okay. Drunky McDumbAss. Were you responsible for Prissy Minion's previous comments.

Drunky: Maybe. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears continue this game in the second half at your favorite Chinese restaurant's bar region over a scorpion bowl or twelve.

Bears vs. 49ers: 12-6-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Francisco 49ers after an unprecedented win for Jay Cutler at sopping wet Lambeau Field. Will the Bears begin Phase Two of what future sports historians will describe as the Bears Inevitable March to Super Bowl Glory? Or will today’s game yield bitter disappointment against the future Los Angeles 49ers?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Love Minnow” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose Hoover Dam-sized bladder could not be tamed by a boxcar of Mybetriq, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! How dare ye call me the “Love Minnow”, Des! Some call me the Space Pirate, some call me the Land-Shark of Love, some people call me Maurice, because I speak of the what-have-you of love…

Des: Hey, I’m just going by what I heard from Sally McChesty.

Sally: Oh, no, Des, don’t make me a pawn of whatever fake male bonding is supposed to take place among a sports panel. Why don’t the five of you get on a Potemkin football field to model plays that somehow end with prolonged tackling?

Redbeard: Nay! Countless centuries of drunken marauding have exposed me to numerous diseases as yet unnamed by science, which have swollen all of me internal organs to the point where they would become external organs if a butterfly were to flap its wings in China.

Des: Captain. you’d think that image you just painted would be horrific enough to erase the walking bladder I saw on TV that haunts my nightmares, but I would be sadly mistaken. Concord Peabody. Would you get us back to football?

Concord: Gladly, Des. There’s nothing I like better than football games that ruin storybook endings, like the Bears beating the Packers after the heartfelt embrace of Bart Starr and Brett Favre, or a second string quarterback ending the Patriots unbeaten season. Unfortunately, that shameful joy may come back to bite me in today’s 49ers game because this game is supposed to be the revenge of Adam Gase and Vic Fangio against a San Francisco team that passed them over for a head coaching position. Nevertheless, Bears win 49-20.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What do you have for us?

Ellie: I once saw a version of Roadkill Turducken…

Des: And that’s all the time we have, sports fans. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will confound fantasy footballers everywhere because… that’s really easy to do.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-26-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers one year after their horrible beating from the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears seek Tur-duck-en Day redemption against a Green Bay team that is a shadow of its former self, but a shadow that still dominates the NFC North? Or will tonight’s 8:30 pm game fail to rouse anyone from a tryptophan coma?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kilgore Trout” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose rum-besotted ancestors crashed the Mayflower into a God-forsaken hellhole called “New England,” Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Ye don’t want to know what happens when I “Billy Pilgrim” me way into me distant past, and especially into me distant future. And so it goes with me second annual Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Cleveland Browns and San Diego Chargers with 2-8 records. The Browns have benched Johnny Football for hoisting champagne. Given the terrible state of Cleveland football, getting hammered be the only rational, nay the only functional, response one can expect. Meanwhile, the citizens of Los Angeles must be thinking, “Billions of taxpayer dollars for a football stadium, the second biggest television market, and the best we can hope for are the Chargers, Raiders, and Rams?

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The Bears have never played the Packers on Thanksgiving before. Brett Favre is being honored at halftime for some reason. Outside of the Cowboys (29-17-1) and Lions (35-38-2), the Bears (16-15-2) have the most Thanksgiving Day victories followed by the Packers (14-19-2). What does that mean for today’s Thanksgiving game? Absolutely nothing! Go Bears!

Drunky: Here’s some Thanksgiving trivia you probably don’t want to hear: Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest “bar night” of the year. More people go to their favorite watering hole than any other time of the year, which I know all too well, because my local bar, Slumpy’s, won’t let me come in because they don’t want me to scare all of those punk college kids visiting mommy and daddy. No, Slumpy’s suddenly wants to give those kids the fake blue collar experience by only allowing their more sober, less racist regulars to come in so they can sell Pabst Blue Ribbon at 3 times the regular price. But I’ll be back the first weekday in December.

Ellie: I’ve got even more Thanksgiving Trivia the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know… or maybe they do, because I saw this on every Thanksgiving web site. Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year for plumbers? That’s why our “water closet” is outside, if by “water” you mean “hole”, and by “closet” you mean “shack.”

Des: So… a shack-hole, then. Doctor McChesty, would you encapsulate things with one magnificent sentence?

Sally: Now that I’m done brushing off Captain Redbeard’s clumsy, drunken advances…

Redbeard: Ah, me beauteous mermaid! Would ye like a waft of me cod cologne?

Sally: Ugh! Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that probably won’t draw viewers away from the Alice’s Restaurant 50^th Anniversary Concert.

Bears vs. Broncos: 11-22-2015

Des: So… our Bears panel and I kind of forgot to show up for last Sunday’s game. My excuse is that I was drowning in paperwork and getting the house ready for Thanksgiving. What’s everyone else’s story?

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH, mateys! I was busy seizing homes that me marauding crew and I assumed were abandoned because they still had Halloween decorations up 22 days after that accursed holiday ended! We most harshly ransacked the domiciles of those landlubbers that had a hung pirate upon their front lawn. That be a macroaggression against the Brotherhood of the Briny Damp we could not let stand! Meanwhile, what be behind the sudden surge of the Detroit Lions? Once I had forsaken Detroit, they suddenly win two games in a row!

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What kept you from DesComm Worldwide?

Drunky: It’s better you don’t know.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What were you up to last Sunday?

Ellie Mae: Hunting Thanksgiving.

Des: Modre. How did you while away the hours?

Modre: Somehow trying to find something funny with the inevitable presidency of Donald Trump, failing.

Des: Sally McChesty. Summarize your Sunday.

Sally: “Trying to think of ways to get Captain Redbeard to notice me.” Supposedly, to build my character, I should have a romantic relationship “with the best thing ever, which is why I love Captain Redbeard.” Who wrote this?

Redbeard: Look nae further!

Bears vs. Rams: 11-15-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saint Louis Rams after a tough win against the San Diego Chargers. Will the Bears recapture last week’s winning formula of an acceptable defense, a competent offense, and an opposing team that smothers itself with yellow flags? Or will they be trampled underfoot by a legendary running back whose last name of “Gurley” caused the Fox broadcasting team to giggle themselves silly last week?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “20,000 Leagues Under the Weight of His Crimes Against Humanity” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and our tailgate party correspondent, Drunky McDumbAss.

Des: We’ll start the festivities with the segment I’d like to call, “Let’s Make Fun of the Captain’s Terrible Playoff Picks”, but since he has his cutlass pointed at one of my more important organs, it’s time now for “The NFL’s Biggest Disappointments That Were Way Better On Paper Than In Reality.”

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH, mateys! Let’s take a long, pitiful glance at the teams that, like fabled aqua based comic book legends Aquaman and the Sub-Mariner, failed to live up to their potential: First, the NFC, and the Detroit Lions— hoo boy—who would’ve thought that the Lions were one Ndamukong Suh away from being the… Detroit Lions? As it turned out—EVERYONE EXCEPT ME! But that was me worst choice. Me other selections ‘tweren’t nearly as bad—they be merely mediocre, like a Carnival Cruise, but not catastrophically bad… like a Carnival Cruise. Ye have the Eagles, who are neck and neck for first with the Giants with a 4-4 record, while the Saints are in a distant third… with a 4-5 record. I challenge any land lubber to try to cipher that one out without your high tech computers and your complex Common Core math problems. Back in my day, we had naught but sextants and the constellations of the night sky and the entrails of various whales when we would set up our illegal betting pools. And we didn’t “log on” or use “bitcoin” to pay our gambling debt. No, we gave our money in a paper sack, trembling, to guys named “Lefty” and “Knuckles” and “the Shiv.”

Redbeard: But enough of me caterwaulin’ about a beautiful distant past submerged in the impenetrable haze of multi-decade alcoholism to torment meself—my question is, if you’re an AFC team, why even bother? Tom Brady’s terrible vengeance against the NFL, and then all mankind, will first lay waste to the entire AFC. The Texans and Chiefs, my choices to win their divisions that sadly each have 3-5 records, will be naught but collateral damage in the merciless maw of Brady’s hyper-focused rage. As I must needs find some silver lining in the black miasma in which I usually “pilot” me vessel, the Bengals, who I chose to win the AFC North, is still undefeated. Like drunken Odysseus, I also keep being drawn to the siren girth of Rex Ryan, whose managerial style resembles me own with similar results: Five out of nine boarding parties yield untold riches, while the remaining four end in mutiny and a self-destruct sequence.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: As the first person to be banned from Uber for life in perpetuity throughout the universe, I make the party wherever I am—which sounds like a great slogan for some kind of beer, but it really means that I just barge my loud stench into the first neighborhood party or open house I find as I shamble down the street of whatever neighborhood I was dumped into by the local Chamber of Commerce.

Des: Uh, huh. Do you actually bring anything to a party, other than some previously unknown insect vector, and a stark reminder that not every drunk is Charles Bukowski?

Drunky:  Well, you know how Bud Light has cans with Chicago Bears stuff on it? I bought 53 cans and wrote the names of all 53 Bears players on those cans, and then I would drink a beer whenever that player was on the field. Then at the end of the first quarter, when all the cans are empty, I would re-enact every play with the beer cans. Then when the game’s over, I would make beer can angels on the floor.

Des: That’s an image that’s going to take a while to fade from my mind’s eye. Actually, I think the afterimage is going to be worse. Speaking of Norman Rockwell on black velvet, here’s Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie Mae: Alannah Myles’s “Black Velvet” is my personal anthem and I would thank you very much for not mocking it.

Des: Sally McChesty. Would’st thou conclude this episode?

Sally: What are you doing, Des, getting ready to introduce some new Renaissance Faire character? To piggyback on the success of “Galavant?” Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will have five minutes of football and three hours of pointless speculation about when the Rams will move back to Los Angeles.

Bears vs. Chargers: 11-9-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, another team with a mere pair of victories under their belt in a game that is inexplicably still on Monday Night Football instead of being banished to a Sunday 6 a.m. game in eastern Ukraine that is broadcast solely on Pinterest. Will the Bears be able to tear themselves away from the deep, dark truthful mirror that is the Chargers? Or will Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico spend the entire game complaining that the NFL should allow Monday Night Football to participate in “flexible scheduling”?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Doctor Octopus” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and our correspondent whose favorite bar is nicknamed “The Stench Cauldron”, Drunky McDumbAss.

Sally: Today’s episode occurs in the fabled skyscraper headquarters of the Daily Bugle even though the Bears aren’t playing against a New York team, there’s no Spider-Man movie out as a cross-promotional tie-in, and no newspaper corporation owns buildings anymore. Enjoy.

J Jonah Jameson: Stop the presses! Stop the presses! Heh, heh… I’m just yanking your chains, everybody. We stopped using the printing press a long time ago. What should newspaper publishers say for dramatic effect now? Reboot your server? Update your apps? Activate your serious faced emoticon?

Sally: How about, “put on some clothes and do some investigative journalism away from your laptop at home?” Or how about, “Sorry, everybody, we’ve been bought out by Uber so that they actually have some tangible asset to justify being worth $7 billion dollars? Now all of your jobs have been replaced by some Robo-Reporter algorithm that spews the same five stories with slightly different names to every web site: ‘Republican X says something mean about poor people and immigrants. 30 to 50 people die in a mass shooting in Insert Name of Town. The Bears go through another 60 quarterbacks.’” These stories literally write themselves.

J Jonah Jameson: Parker! Where’s my picture of Spider-man?

Sally: Here’s a fun fact: The “Donald Trump” character on The Apprentice was based on J. Jonah Jameson.

Des: I’d like to see J. Jonah Jameson helm the next Republican debate. Every question would be, “What are you going to do about that masked menace, Spider-Man?”

Sally:  Here’s another fun fact: The printing press was originally invented to mass produce Bibles. Now the Bible is the only thing still printed on paper. And tax forms.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRH, mateys! In case ye’ve forgotten, this be still the “The Captain Redbeard Bears Blog” Me Spider Sense is tingling. That means that the Bears will defeat the Chargers 27-17. And Drunky McDumbAss is about to hit the back of my head with a lead pipe.

Des: In the library with Colonel Mustard.

Ellie Mae McGillicutty: Paper newspapers made for some good toilet paper in the squatting shack. Yesterday, when I was trying to shoplift some toilet paper at the Walmart I work at, it took me forever to find it because it’s now called “Bathroom Tissue.” What Yankee fool came up with that one?

Des: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will still draw some viewers, because, really, what’s your alternative? To stare at a blank screen, waiting for Jon Stewart to come back and make sense of a world you wish you had never made?

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-1-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings as Chicago sports fans slowly trickle back to watching televised sports with fear and trepidation after the Cubs disappointing loss in the National League Championship Series. Will the Bears use a strong showing to draw viewers away from the juggernaut that is the Chicago Blackhawks? Or, given that the Blackhawks aren’t actually playing today, will Jay Cutler’s lack of first downs cause fans to drift away to watch professional bowling, or an informercial from the 1980s?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Estado Nova” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! I’ve been asked to make to references to Portuguese dictator Salazar in my opening remarks because, apparently, our site meter indicates that this blog is popular in Portugal, and what better way, I guess, to build an audience than to remind it of a dark chapter in its national history? I shudder to see what happens if this Internet journal ever becomes popular in Paraguay. But I digress; here goes, mateys: The Bears loss to Detroit reminds one of Operation Vijay, the 1961 battle in which India took the Portuguese colony of Goa—I’m only reminded of this after reading Salazar’s Wikipedia page—until today, I didn’t know that Portugal even had a colony in India that they kept until the early 1960s. My ignorance of this is a bit of surprise, given that, in my countless centuries of drunken maraudings, I thought I had “dropped anchor”, if ye will, at every colonial port in India. Speaking of Salazar, if ye be lookin’ for an excellent job of whitewashing, look nae further than whoever wrote Salazar’s biography. Here be my favorite quote: “In July 1940,Life magazine called Salazar ‘a benevolent ruler’, described him as ‘by far the world's best dictator, he [Salazar] is also the greatest Portuguese since Prince Henry the Navigator’, and added that ‘the dictator has built the nation’.” What do you think, Des, did I do a good job of maintaining our Portuguese audience?

Des: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Captain. Here’s something from friend-of-the-show Agent Screamin’, who shared on my Facebook page a Roz Chast cartoon entitled “Blog Breakdown” with a delightful pie chart indicating that 1/3 of blogs are stories about crap somebody cooked, knitted, or sewed, 1/3 are conspiracy theories, and the remaining 1/3^rd are self-promotion. We need to do a lot more about cooking, knitting, and sewing.

Captain: ARRRH, mateys! Ye can’t spell “conspiracy” without “piracy”. Think about that, won’t you?

Prissy: Des, all of my comments about your body of work refer to your output as a “tapestry” of something: a tapestry of thought-crimes, a tapestry of comedy scraps stitched together to hold in the heat of your blazing wisdom…

Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I would imagine that your gourmet skills would be limited to driving through White Castle at three in the morning in a feeble attempt to absorb the gallons of alcohol you drank during last night’s Halloween festivities. But, hey, at least you have an extra hour to sleep it off, thanks to Daylight Stealing Time.

Drunky: Yeah, you’d think so, Des, but I’ve been spending the last nine hours driving around various DUI/DWI checkpoints

Des: DUI and DWI checkpoints? How many states have you had to drive through?

Drunky: That’s between me and my court-ordered tracking bracelet. I’m driving a rental car. Well, it’s “rental” in the sense that it’s not mine.

Des: I assume that the cell phone you’re using to phone this in isn’t yours either, given that my caller ID lists you as “Bjorn Stangerland.”

Drunky: Yeah, both my car and my phone have a booze-breath lock on them, so I have to “borrow” other people’s.

Des: Modre, if anyone can stretch out an overused joke until it’s thinner than hillbilly stew…

Ellie Mae: I resent that remark!

Des: ...it would be you. Do what the demons inside your brain compel you to.

Modre: The quilt covered question mavens of quin-itious quintessence will quietly quake in a quinine stew of gurgling subterfuge-ling masonry, freely quest-dancing in a shadow-foxing under-landau cabriolet chasms under a man-mage whose magic gestures and smooth conversational tone fail to make manifest a destiny that should never be unbound, lest it rolls under a rug that not even the greatest, most gilded broom could sweep everlasting, ever-fasting from a meal that, once cooked, cannot be unmade like last night’s bed upon which…

Des: And that’s all the time you have, Modre. Since there was probably a Donald Trump reference buried in there somewhere, let’s go now to Concord Peabody, who has a terrible Jeb Bush joke that needs to get out while he’s still a presidential candidate.

Concord: Jeb Bush is the only person I’ve beaten in fantasy football.

Des: Sally, since we’ve given up talking about the Bears or even football a long time ago, just say whatever’s on your mind.

Sally: Des, have you seen those disturbing car commercials with the safety engineer imagining himself and his family as crash test dummies? Then there’s the even more disturbing sequel when he starts imagining his co-workers and their families in the crash test car… And then it turns out that the part about him being a safety inspector was also a fantasy.

Des: I think we finally have an awesome direction to take your character. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which both team may manage to play at least one quarter of compelling football.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-18-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the Race to Get to .500. Will the Bears take this opportunity to notch their third win against a very, very beatable team? Or will a Bears loss send the team scrambling to trade Matt Forte to build toward a future that may never come?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eurotrash” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As ye know all too well, I predict weather through me various physical ailments and predict sports by me communion with various obscure deities from ancient, now defunct, Parthenons. Sadly, recent events have forced me to combine the two, as I am now cursed by numerous gods. Famed volcano goddess Pele has singed me ginger beard, which means we’ll have snow flurries tonight and Jay Cutler will score two touchdowns and fumble the ball twice. Then the Norse god of thunder, Thor, will cause an uncomfortable electric tingling in me hook that serves as me right hand, which can only mean partly cloudy skies tomorrow with a high of 50 degrees and also a Bears special teams player, who has wallowed in obscurity until today, will return a punt for a touchdown. Finally, Xochiquetzal—the Aztec goddess of plants, I guess?—has given me a bout of toe fungus, so, I’m thinkin’ we’ll be seeing a bright harvest moon tonight with a low dippin’ down to 29 degrees and at least one interception returned for a touchdown.

Des: “Weather and sports-- together.” Finally, a marketable slogan for the good captain.

Sally: A huge improvement from his current slogan: “Weather, sports, and anger all wrapped in a tiny little package of hate.”

Des: Modre. Fog up the mind with a gentle mist of inscrutability.

Modre: “The ones who best predict the future are the ones who define the future.” I define “future” as “flabbitty tabb tabb rinkitty dink dink sham sham shammitty sham bop… that’s the way it should be… wahoooo… yeah!”

Des: Let’s turn now to our panelist who’s less insightful than a two year old’s crayon wall scrawlings: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Des, I’m going to horn in on your territory by making a terrible joke in response to something that was said 20 minutes ago. To wit: the only Keystone XL Pipeline I care about is my 1000 week Keystone Keg Club subscription where they send me a keg every Friday.

Des: Drunky, how much did you pay for that subscription?

Drunky: 1K

Des: Concord Peabody. Do you have anything for us?

Concord: I’ve heard that many states are considering having their own fantasy football leagues in a desperate effort to save their pension funds. To the listeners reading at home, I’d like to be your state’s Secretary of Fantasy Football so I can finally enjoy some of that sweet, sweet money.

Des: In a serious vein, I’d like to see a Draft Kings vs. Fan Duel Pro Bowl, featuring the biggest money makers of each league choosing the two teams. Prissy Minion. Take this to the outer limits of what the English language can communicate.

Prissy Minion: Des, what the world needs now may be beyond your ability. What the world wants now, you’ve got in spades.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What fricasseed wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, out of sheer boredom, I watched the Weather Channel’s “3 Scientists Walk Into a Bar”, which would be better titled “3 Drunks Talk About Science in a Bar.” “See, what people should do is, what they should do is, teach about volcanoes by driving a bloodhound in a back of a pickup truck next to my twelve gauge and blow up some ping pong balls in the middle of a football field while some guy with a thick Southern drawl randomly makes some science noises like ‘caldera’ and ‘vent pipe’ and ‘P-waves’ and ‘S-waves’ and na-haw-haw-hawwww.”

Des: Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna tear anyone away from Doctor Who. Speaking of fictional doctors: Doctor McChesty. You drew the short straw.

Sally: So I did. So I did. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game that represents a huge time commitment if you combine it with Sunday night’s Cubs game. Those of you reading at home may want to deeply assess whether your marriage can survive six hours of sports viewing.

Bears vs. Chiefs: 10-11-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs in Game 2 of the Race to Deprive Themselves of a Good Draft Pick. With the eternal uncertainty of the quarterback position befuddling both teammates and opponents alike, one question remains: Will the Bears find the magic touch needed to play more than one solid quarter of football? Or should Bears fans have a slate of binge TV programs at the ready once the Chiefs figure out the two or three plays the Bears offense can execute?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Love Volcano” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose every syllable is drenched in Jim Bean and uncontrollable shaking, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, given that your largest overseas audience is in Russia, no doubt due to a misdirected “Google” search of the word “bear”, ‘tis time to give our Eastern European audience what it most likely wants: Lavish, unthinking praise to Supreme Comrade Vladimir Ilyich Putin, exalted leader and unifier of the Trans-Slavic Nation, and role model to one Donald Sutherland Trump. What lessons can the Chicago Bears learn from the unbridled success story of the Great Father Bear of All the Russians, from White to Black to Bela? First, base your entire economy on a single volatile resource whose value fluctuates without warning, and in the long run, may turn out to be completely useless. Then, instead of building up a strong defense, squander your treasure on offensive gambits that only result in protracted failure in which you barely gain any meaningful yardage and display your glaring weaknesses for all the world to see. Finally…

Des: Captain, if I wanted an extended clumsy metaphor randomly connecting Putin to the Chicago Bears, I would have turned to Modre. Speaking of whom…

Modre: “This virus of today’s wishbone suspension of disbelief cannot be disinfected with the Purell of naked unreason masquerading as its polar oppositional trans-conventional feldspar self-loath making projected as the Techno-color yawn of hate speech that not even the biggest, most beautiful fence will keep us inside the box of pleasure fearing futile feudalism where even the forges of ye aster-lands canst not be spread by cough spread-lings of splatter modules of tomorrow’s nether world made manifest upon the flattest screen of the Stanley-est world.”

Des: The funniest part of this is that we went through two loops of “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” in the background while you were stringing those syllables together, Modre. Let’s turn now to one whose randomness is much, much shorter thanks to the merciful onset of alcohol poisoning: Drunky McDumbAss.

Drunky: Des, at the-- this time last season, I passed out in Charlotte, North Carolina while watching the Bears-Panthers game at some closed-down Wal-Mart—or maybe it was a Waffle House or an Elk’s Club, or all three in some drunken mélange of failed efforts at bar hopping that turned into a quest for begging for spare change. Uhh, anywho--- yeah--- I passed out in early September and then woke up three months later at a Greyhound station in Waukegan in the lap of some terrified hipster who was trying to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas on his I-phone, which leads me to think, Hey, I’m the Snoopy character in this blog.

Des: No, at best you’re maybe Pig-Pen, if he were in his late 40s with both feet in the grave. “Maybe he’s covered in alcohol that was spilled on Tom Waites. Or King Nebuchadnezzar.”

Drunky: Sort of makes you want to treat me with a little more respect.

Des: No.

Drunky: On the contrary, I didn’t know I looked that good.

Des: Uh, oh. Concord Peabody. Do you have anything for us?

Drunky: Do you think you have pantaphobia?

Concord: Has Matt Forte been traded to another team yet? Because that’s the only thing that might keep Draft Kings from repossessing my 1975 International Scout Bears-mobile and giving it to some Saber-metrics supercomputer.

Drunky: And let this be a sign unto you…

Des: Prissy Minion. Take this far away from where this conversation has gone.

Prissy Minion: Des, your high-octane comedy allows us to tenderly reflect on the past while we kiss it goodbye—or endlessly obsess over its stubborn refusal to surrender any lessons that have useful applications to the present.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, do you know that the road to the US presidency ironically trudges through the Confederacy? Or at least control of the Gerrymandered House of Representative? That’s what Bernie Sanders and anyone who wants to be Speaker of the House is gonna learn the hard way.

Des: Okay. Captain, for some reason, your one good hand is raised for me to call on you. What’s up with this sudden need to wait your turn?

Redbeard: I’m just waiting to see what Drunky McDumbAss manages to belch out before succumbing to the demon rum that afflicts us both. Oh, the sweet, sweet affliction.

Drunky: My own dog has gone commercial! All I want is what’s coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

Redbeard: And ye shall have it… of abuse! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, arrrrhhhhh!

Sally: Redbeard, what happened to your predictions? Were you forsaken by every deity conceived by the mind of man, from the ancient religions of Greece and Rome, to the most lackluster demonic entities from DC and Marvel Comics? I’m looking at you, Thanos and Darkseid… or worse yet, Shuma-Gorath.

Sally: So, yeah, this is apparently my character now. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game against another 1-3 team and, uh, you know what? Why doesn’t everybody just take a break from sports today and ready yourselves for Monday’s Cubs game?

Bears vs. Raiders: 10-4-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Raiders after a tough loss in which the offense failed to go beyond the 45 yard line for the entire game. With the Bears season being over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will the Cubs surpass the Pirates and play the wild card game at historic Wrigley Field? Or would the North Siders be better served if they played at Pittsburgh and avoided the various curses of Billy Goats, Harry Caray, and a new idiot fan who costs the Cubs the game somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gargle-licious” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose intoxicated shamblings were the inspiration for every zombie movie and TV show ever made, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Given that this be Week 4 of the NFL season, just as high tide must follow low tide (although this daily fact of nautical existence continues to surprise me as the sweet kiss of Jamaican rum enfoggens me vision more completely than the thickest cloud bank could e’er enshroud fabled 19^th century London when the fog be truly 90% soot and 10% cholera), now be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be three teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, and two within the once-mighty NFC North: the Detroit Lions, and, sadly, the Chicago Football Bears, if indeed “football” is the appropriate sport to affix upon this struggling franchise—although “struggling” implies that the team be fighting hard to prevent its dark fate—but I repeatedly digress to keep the pain at bay. As me numerous disparaging remarks imply, ‘tis me sad duty to inform you the listener/reader/impressed midshipman that, for the first time in the lost eternity in which I have delivered Bears pre-contest coverage, I foresee Chicago as the team to go winless. Any captain whose command of the obvious includes “We need to generate more than zero points to win games, there's no doubt" be one who has already lost command of his vessel.

Des: That is bad news, Captain. Although last year’s Chum Bucket, the Jacksonville Jaguars, were not the worst team in the NFL, they only won three games; nothing to be proud of. And your 2013 Chum Bucket, Washington, also was only the second-worst team, also with a 3-13 record.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. Me Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble is actually worse than an 0-16 record, for a 3-13 record deprives ye of a decent draft pick. Sorry, everybody.

Des: This is even more depressing than usual. Transitioning from one miserable alcoholic to another, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss, a.k.a. W.C. Fields without the comedy, which, I guess would make you Andy Capp. Here’s a fun fact: Andy Capp is shorthand for “handicap”, which makes his cheddar fries a horrible, horrible symbol of intolerance. Drunky, why don’t you enjoy those barely edible hate crimes at Fed Ex Field while watching the Washington Football Team Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken by Anyone Born After 1990?

Drunky: When you say “hate crime”, Des, do you mean a hate crime against my digestive system? Because I’ve already got that covered by decades of non-stop binge drinking.

Des: Drunky, doesn’t “binge drinking” imply that there are periods of time when you stop drinking?

Drunky: That’s very hurtful, Des. Not just to me, but to the entire Alcoholic-American community.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: While I’m not encouraged by the prospect of our starting quarterback being someone whose last name is “Fales”, I have to believe that the Oakland Raiders will go back to being the gift that keeps on giving to their opponents. Bears win 9-0 on the mighty leg of Robbie Gould as a rejuvenated Bears “D” will put the offense on the Raiders’ 20 yard line repeatedly—and the offense will lose 15 to 20 yards every time. The Bears’ key to victory will be a defense that gains more yards off of turnovers than all 20 quarterbacks the Bears audition this Sunday—the Bears quarterback carousel will feature everyone who sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley this year in hopes that some of the magic will rub off.

Des: This episode is surprisingly heavy on the football. Modre, would you delightfully distract us from our football doldrums with some Donald Trump?

Modre: “The bewilderbeest that fumbles through the darkest of the unseen light that bursts through the barrel of a water gun filled to bursting with the angry tears of tomorrow’s lumberjack maven—this, this be the one to lead ye to parts once unknown now uncomprehended. This, this be the one who wears the crown of would-be Putin-esque despotism most uneasily.” This, this be the one tagged by the future Facebook imperfect of history as “Joe Don Baker Trump.”

Des: That’s cleansing the palate with an SOS pad. Prissy Minion. Engage.

Prissy Minion: As the Founding Father of Casio Tone Nation, you, more than anyone, must appreciate the re-emergence and subsequent collapse of all that was once late 20^th century mainstays, especially the Bush and Clinton dynasties.

Des: Donald Trump may yet prove to be the 1980s most evil revenge.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, last week, you used me as a puppet to mock the NFC South, but, in reality, the NFC South has two undefeated teams while your North division has two teams that have yet to feel victory’s sweet embrace? Who’s laughing now?

Des: Not anyone who has watched the Carl’s Jr. Tex-Mex commercial.

Sally: While forced topic transitions are your bread and butter, your mission statement, your comedic raison d’etre, if you will, that Carl’s Jr. reference was a masterpiece in contortion comedy.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you clump and seal this episode?

Sally: As long as I’m not the one cleaning out this metaphorical catbox. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play against the only team they might have a chance of beating this season. That’s right, Captain, I’m mocking your beloved Raiders. Or better yet, the Cubs are on at 2:10. Go watch them.

Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks, last year’s NFC Champions, whose dreams of Super-bowl glory were crushed under the deflated balls of Tom Brady and one—ONE, I tells ya--- bad call by Coach Pete Carroll. Will the Bears’ newest, nameless backup quarterback take advantage of the opportunity presented by the crippling injury to Jay Cutler, like Tom Brady did when Drew Bledsoe was knocked out of the Patriots in 2001? Or will he end up like what’s-his-name, who replaced Bledsoe for the Cowboys in 2006?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rainbow Warrior” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and proud owner of an oxygen tent timeshare, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis ironic, Des, that ye would nickname me “Rainbow Warrior”, since I was the mission leader of “Operation Satanique”, the French intelligence operation that blew up the Rainbow Warrior. Speaking of satanic operations, let’s take a look at the New England Patriots, who remain undefeated both on and off the field. Be there any team capable of channeling the forces of darkness better than Bill Belichick, whether it take the form of scrambled headset frequencies, deflated footballs, or tricking the opposing team into playing “outside themselves”, “running uphill”, forgetting to turn on that extra gear, and not playing “in space”?  Did I use every football cliché uttered by Joe Buck?

Des: That’s not even scratching the surface, Redbeard.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. I know. I know.

Redbeard: So. To answer me earlier question: as one who dabbles into the dark arts for fun and profit, my advice to other NFL teams is: if you want to successfully tap into the profane arts arcane, don’t be obvious and outright wear the symbols of evil, like the Redskins or the Raiders. Wear something that superficially ties into the great traditions of America, like the Dallas Cowboys. They had a pretty good run. Once.

Des: What do you mean by “dark arts”, Captain? Calligraphy? Black and white photography?

Redbeard: Let me take a lock of your hair, Des, and I’ll make a nice action figure for you.

Des: Halloween comes early this year. Speaking of the great Halloween tradition of hiding behind a mask while building up a tolerance for New Year’s Eve, here’s Drunky McDumbAss. What football party are you ruining this Sunday afternoon?

Drunky: I prefer to be at an undisclosed location, Des. Today’s drinking game involves me having a sip of LA beer every time there’s a graphic showing the number of quarterbacks who have played for the Bears since 2010. Even I, who am on my third stem-cell experimental pig liver, can’t drink a real beer for every time that topic comes up. I think there are numerous small college towns in Illinois whose entire economy is based on supplying Chicago with backup quarterbacks.

Des: Unfortunately, those are on-line colleges. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Every time I watch the commercial for “Draft Kings”, it saddens my heart. I see burly meatheads enjoying the camaraderie of other men and the occasional, beautiful supportive woman, all united in the pursuit of virtual victory. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my one-bedroom studio apartment trying to unsuccessfully use my Draft Kings smart phone application, which is incompatible with my I-phone 4’s operating system, which was a discounted experimental version of IOS 5Q on the MCI network. Based on the data I was able to painfully extract from a grease-encrusted Wi-Fi router at Rudy Tuesday’s just seconds before it went out of business, I predict a Bears victory: 41-17.

Des: Concord, why aren’t you getting hammered alongside Drunky McDumbAss? Modre. I have no clumsy way to transition to your one sentence summary of Donald Trump, but give it to me anyway.

Modre: “The candle that burns brightest burns briefest.” Especially if that candle is snuffed out by Mark Cuban.

Des: Prissy Minion. Activate.

Prissy Minion: Apply directly to the forehead, Des. Your cascading voice grabs the ear of the listener with the tenacity of a pit bull. Or Mike Tyson. Too soon?

Des: If this were 2005.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, I couldn’t help but notice that the Bears only play one game in the former Confederacy. What’s the matter, isn’t the NFC South weak enough for you?

Des: We were tired of giving Ron Rivera his only win. Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you seal this episode in frozen carbonite?

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHH, mateys! Would it not be better for all concerned if ye just let me bookend this episode like the deus ex piratannica that I am?

Sally: I’m sure that’s just what the listener/reader wants to hear: More from a pale echo of Herman Melville and H.P. Lovecraft.

Redbeard: And I tried to pattern myself more after the B.J. Gigglesnort Hotel. Now if ye will excuse me, I will go up to me attic and pretend to be sailing a ship.

Bears vs Cardinals: 9-20-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a loss that enabled the Monsters of the Midway to experience less shame. We’re not quite up to “pride” yet. Will the Bears continue their glacial rebuilding with Robbie Gould’s mighty leg, a defense that can keep opponents under 20 points, and a coach who can keep Cutler down to one game-changing interception per outing? Or will today’s game provide late morning entertainment to the home team fans watching their local heroes battle it out while enjoying a senior citizens’ discount at the Golden Corral buffet?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Floronic Man” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and scorpion bowl casualty, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Before I unscroll me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, I have to ask: Why “the Floronic Man” Redbeard? Usually I ignore the obscure cultural references ye pointlessly tack onto me name, but this be a new low, even for you: Why would my nickname be the least popular supervillain of the least popular DC Comics—let’s call him a “character”, the word “super-hero” doesn’t really fit--Swamp Thing?

Des: That question answers itself, doesn’t it?

Redbeard: No.

Des: Okay, then.

Des: Redbeard, don’t you have some sort of map you were going to tell us about?

Redbeard: Yes, with the latitudes and the longitudes and the what have you. Also sexy drawings of mermaids with enlarged….ahhhhhh…, uh, I mean, ARRRRHHHH!!!

Here be Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl!!! In the AFC, I foresee the Bills, Bengals, Texans, and Chiefs celebrating divisional championships, whilst the Patriots and Broncos enter the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Lions, Eagles, Saints, and Cardinals will dominate their divisions. The Cowboys and Packers will be tainted with the dishonor of entering as wild cards. Tremble with fear as I reveal this startling denouement to the 2015 football season: The Bengals will defeat the Cardinals in the first Super Bowl between two teams who enter with a 7-9 record, whilst the Falcons, with a 13-3 record, won’t even make the playoffs.

Des: Captain, unlike every stock market advice show on CNBC, I have to point out your multitude of errors. Last year, the Cowboys were your only successful pick in the NFC and the Steelers were the only team keeping you from a shutout in the AFC. And your Super Bowl picks? The 49ers were 8-8 and Jim Harbaugh is coaching Michigan, while the Chiefs were only slightly more respectable with a 9-7 record.

Redbeard: Des, ye lugubrious lackey of a land-lubber! I defy ye to find a better sports prognosticator than the “Salty Sea-Dog of Sports.” And I mean I literally defy ye! As in, “If ye touch a key stroke to look this up on Google, I will cut off both your hands with me steely blade and use them on me scary sports Ouija board to pick next week’s winners!”

Des: “Lugubrious?” Are you sure you didn’t mean “glug, glug, glug-ree-us?” By which I mean “Time now for Drunky McDumbAss.” What’s happening out there in Tailgate Land? Or County Jail?

Drunky: Har-de-har-fuck you, Des! I’m doing neither. At this very moment, I’m about to shoot about a dozen or so commercials as the “before” guy for every drug addiction center in the country. USA! USA!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, Des, the order of operations that sorts out what teams win and what obsessive-compulsive mathematical card-counting jerk beats me every year in what some call a “Fantasy Football League”, but for me is nothing but an endless nightmare of heartbreak and bankruptcy, uh, would tend to tell you that the Bears should lose, but for me, who picks teams with my heart and therefore creates a pot of gold for gamblers with some sort of reality-based strategy, I say: Bears win: 45-7!

Des: Wow. That’s really bringing you down to Des-boy McGillicutty and Drunky McDumbAss level as the panelists with the most depressing existence. Modre. This year’s retooling of your character has you commenting on Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Give it to me, please.

Modre: “He who most loudly denies reality defines reality.” That is either Donald Trump’s campaign slogan or the worst Depeche Mode song ever.

Des: Prissy Minion. Go.

Prissy Minion: Des, your football blog is about more than x’s and o’s, which, when I say it, takes on a totally different meaning. But I digress. No, whenever I read your posts, I hear this wondrous tapestry of ones and zeros crackling over a 1970s phone modem at my public library that I accidently pick up when I’m trying to call my time travelling Uber Taxi only to find Drunky McDumbAss trying to make a few extra bucks in between drive-thru liquor stores.

Des: Prissy, when you make these extended valentines to me, do you just listen to NPR for 90 consecutive hours to extract its pure essence and then scrawl it on a post card?

Prissy Minion: (Taps his nose)

Des: That’s a nice scene from The Trojan Women on the front side of the post card.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, I’m tired of your mockery of the sons and daughters of the south. Haven’t you learned anything from famed cartoonist Garry Trudeau, who admonished Charlie Hebdo for “punching down”? Always punch up, Des!

Des: Like Doonesbury in the early 1970s, with Boopsie Boopstein and Rufus “Thor” Jackson?

Des: Speaking of stereotypical eye candy, here’s Sally McChesty. Would you finish this off for us?

Sally: With extreme pleasure, Desikowski. Are there two “r’s” in “harassment”?

Des: It depends on whether you pronounce it “ha-rass-ment” or “hair-rus-ment.”

Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The new coaching staff of the Bears face a true baptism of fire against their legendary arch-nemesis the Green Bay Packers. Will Chicago’s return to its defensive roots bear fruit? Or will “Coach Career Killer” Cutler rack up record-breaking passing statistics that somehow translate into an 0-16 season and a new position as third string quarterback of the Los Angeles Whatever?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Murder Minnow” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the vertiginous insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Much as the land-lubbing Babylonian deity Marduk slew aqua-lord Tiamat in a battle that symbolized Babylonian mastery over irrigation, so shall the Bears eventually dominate the NFC North in an imperceptibly slow building process that one day results in the Packers waking up to find themselves under the cleated foot of a Chicago defender… which will result in a 10 yard penalty for the Bears and an automatic first down for the Packers. But I digress.

The Bears will go 7-9 this year, defeating the Raiders, Buccaneers, Rams, 49ers, plus the Vikings twice, and also whatever the Washington team is shamed into calling themselves. Unfortunately, the Bears will struggle mightily against the Cardinals, Seahawks, Chiefs, Lions, Chargers, Broncos, and 49ers. The Bears will defeat the Packers today, but Green Bay will unleash a terrible vengeance on Thanksgiving!

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears badly fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw an 11-5 season, but the Bears walked away with a 5-11 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I hope to pull off a similar mirror effect with me predictions this year, but I couldn’t go all in like USA Today and predict a 3-13 season. No one should lose to the Vikings this year!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, I’ve constructed a scatter gram of Bears scores when they play their first Packers game under a new coach. It was a straightforward regular bar graph until Drunky McDumbass spilled a pitcher of Dos Equis beer on my laptop.

Drunky: I’m the world’s most interesting… whoa, I just knocked over my carefully constructed beer-a-mid that I built during my one semester of college in 1986…I’ll get back to you later, troops. End transmission.

Des: Modre. It’s your turn to… render the English language irrelevant.

Modre: While your next President Donald Cornelius Trump fancies himself a true original American, he is walking a path already trod by “he who wanders with random naked posturings like the legendary silver mandrake”

Des: Which means what, exactly?

Modre: Bears win 20-17 in a nail biter.

Des: The bottle is pointing at you, Prissy.

Prissy: Don’t toy with my emotions, Des. Your Bears blog posts possess a certain “Beauty Behind the Madness”, but unlike the deliberately misspelled “The Weeknd” album of the same title, your work is not a direct rip-off of Michael Jackson.

Des: Only if you don’t read them too closely, Prissy. Ellie Mae McGillicutty?

Ellie Mae: I just finished reading a fascinating alt history book about what would happen if the Civil War were fought with zombies. And I know what you’re thinking, Des, you horribly racist, Confedero-phobic jerk, “The South won because we’ve got no brains!” Actually, we lost because our high cholesterol made us irresistible. From the chitlins. And the corn bread. And the cornpone. And the craw-daddy crawfish taco MacNuggets. And also the slave revolts.

Des: “Confedero-phobe.” Nice one.

Des: Sally McChesty: Conclude this with a five sentence paragraph summarizing the three major points with a dramatic, memorable statement at the end.

Sally: What is this, Des, a sixth grade language arts class? Sure, why not, I’ll give you that which you should never request: In conclusion, Captain Redbeard’s Musical Bears Blog of Cut and Pastery delivers the following: First, Captain Redbeard references a dead religion to make a football prediction that’s doomed to failure. Second, Concord Peabody makes an obscure math reference that is not salvaged by the alcoholic stumblings of Drunky McDumbAss. Additionally, Modre tries to shock us with something all of us have pretty much resigned ourselves to. Thirdly, Prissy Minion tries too hard to praise Des by bashing pop culture. Finally, Ellie Mae dips into the greasy, familiar well of smug, northern, pseudo-cosmopolitan superiority. Overall, this is the worst application of what some, without any trace of self-irony, call “The Common Core of Comedy.” Did you like my excessive overuse of transition words? Because I died inside with each utterance!

Des: Mmm, pastries!

Sally: No! You will not save yourself with a Simpsons reference. Everyone who watches that show now is older than all the major characters, including Grandpa Simpson and especially Monty Burns!

Des: And like Saturday Night Live before me, this blog will abruptly stop with cued tepid applause in the background.