BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-23-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.
Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Bears vs. Packers: 11-16-08
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-16-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Bears vs. Titans: 11-9-08
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-9-08
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 11-2-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-2-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Bears vs. Vikings: 10-19-08
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-19-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-08
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-12-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 10-5-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-5-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
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