Pre-production meeting transcript:
Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.
PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.
Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.
SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!
PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.
Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.
PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?
Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion
PM: I’m ready.
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.
PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.
WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!
Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?
CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.
Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?
SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.
Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Bears vs. Lions: 10-10-11
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-10-11
Des: Welcome to a most unusual version of the Chicago Bears football post. This time, we provide live reaction (more or less) to the Bears game as it occurs until my imaginary cast of characters and I get tired of the numerous false starts and call it an evening.
SR: Arrh, Des! Speaking of the multiple false starts, 'tis naught but a clever strategy by the Bears offense to rest their defense.
Des: Of course, the question that is hanging in the air: Will the Detroit Lions win their first Monday Night Game since 1867? Or will their multiple penalties up to this point give the Bears defense more rest than the Bears offense? To answer these and similiar questions will be... probably just Redbeard. He's really the only character developed enough for spontaneous repartee.
SR: Arrh, mateys! Methinks your Concord Peabody character is as underutilized as Kellen Davis. He's had only three catches for the year.
Des: Captain, are you sure that Concord isn't as overutilized as Roy Williams? He's already had three catches this year.
SR: Using statistics for humor be not your strong suit, Des. 67% of fans agree with me. 2 out of 3.
Des: By the way, Captain, Bank of America offers 1% cash back on credit card purchases.
SR: They also charge 35% interest. And people call me a pirate!
Des: Who writes your jokes, Jimmy Fallon? Meanwhile, the Bears have rediscovered the outside run.
Des: Well, boys and girls, this blog post is wasting precious bandwidth that could be used to print off Fun Spot coupons. End transmission.
Des: Welcome to a most unusual version of the Chicago Bears football post. This time, we provide live reaction (more or less) to the Bears game as it occurs until my imaginary cast of characters and I get tired of the numerous false starts and call it an evening.
SR: Arrh, Des! Speaking of the multiple false starts, 'tis naught but a clever strategy by the Bears offense to rest their defense.
Des: Of course, the question that is hanging in the air: Will the Detroit Lions win their first Monday Night Game since 1867? Or will their multiple penalties up to this point give the Bears defense more rest than the Bears offense? To answer these and similiar questions will be... probably just Redbeard. He's really the only character developed enough for spontaneous repartee.
SR: Arrh, mateys! Methinks your Concord Peabody character is as underutilized as Kellen Davis. He's had only three catches for the year.
Des: Captain, are you sure that Concord isn't as overutilized as Roy Williams? He's already had three catches this year.
SR: Using statistics for humor be not your strong suit, Des. 67% of fans agree with me. 2 out of 3.
Des: By the way, Captain, Bank of America offers 1% cash back on credit card purchases.
SR: They also charge 35% interest. And people call me a pirate!
Des: Who writes your jokes, Jimmy Fallon? Meanwhile, the Bears have rediscovered the outside run.
Des: Well, boys and girls, this blog post is wasting precious bandwidth that could be used to print off Fun Spot coupons. End transmission.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Bears vs. Panthers: 10-2-2011
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-2-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and former Bears defense coordinator legend Ron Rivera in the midst of a two game losing streak. Will the Bears receivers hold on to the passes Jay Cutler doesn’t overthrow? Or will Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton receive a much-needed confidence boost after a 1-2 start?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Overcat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and princess of Themyscira, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Spotlight on the Team That Has Brought Me the Most Shame: ‘Tis the St. Louis Rams! I had picked them to win the NFC West Division Championship, yet they bring me naught but shame and frustration with their winless record so far! What must they do? They must fire equipment manager Todd Hewitt! 44 years is too long for any one man to serve in that critical position!
Excuse me, mateys. I’m being told by our producer… which… I didn’t know we had… what? They fired him back in January? Then… uh… sacrifice Cadillac Williams to the plant god Utzkartaga, blessed be he who provides me with my sacred magic mushrooms!
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bears have nothing but trouble on offense, the defense is worn down, Ron Rivera is looking to defeat his old team, and Cam Newton is hungry for his first away win. That said, the Bears will still win 66 to 8.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Joyce A. Meyers once said, “A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.” The Bears could also use a running game.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on the Bears?
WW: Everybody talks about the storied rivalry between the Bears and the Packers, but that’s nothing compared to my battle with the Blue Snowman.
Des: Really? Why haven’t I heard of him?
WW: Well, her true identity is Byrna Brilyant, a small town school-teacher and scientist who disguised herself as a man called "The Blue Snowman," using a telescopic snow ray to create and reverse blue snow, which paralyzed victims.
Des: So… she’s a cross-dressing super-villain, whose powers are only useful two or three months out of the year. I’m surprised that she never caught on.
WW: Did I mention that she later created an army of robots attuned to her brainwaves?
Des: Were they robot snowmen? Crush….kill… Help! I’m melting! Fatal error! Fatal error!
Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are filled with bittersweet complexities, generation-defying insights, and are, collectively, a requiem of the post 9/11 dream.
Des: Prissy Minion, you may want to lay off on those Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut doesn’t synch well with The Wizard of Oz. Believe me, I’ve tried. Multiple times.
Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Miller Lite, which is apparently the “manliest” of light beers, but I’m not sure how “manly” and “light beer” get put together in a sentence. Now Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels: those are drinks that’ll get you to ride roller coasters and catch fish without fear, not to mention a bunch of other less, uh, benign activities. And, by “benign”, I mean “legal.”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and former Bears defense coordinator legend Ron Rivera in the midst of a two game losing streak. Will the Bears receivers hold on to the passes Jay Cutler doesn’t overthrow? Or will Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton receive a much-needed confidence boost after a 1-2 start?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Overcat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and princess of Themyscira, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Spotlight on the Team That Has Brought Me the Most Shame: ‘Tis the St. Louis Rams! I had picked them to win the NFC West Division Championship, yet they bring me naught but shame and frustration with their winless record so far! What must they do? They must fire equipment manager Todd Hewitt! 44 years is too long for any one man to serve in that critical position!
Excuse me, mateys. I’m being told by our producer… which… I didn’t know we had… what? They fired him back in January? Then… uh… sacrifice Cadillac Williams to the plant god Utzkartaga, blessed be he who provides me with my sacred magic mushrooms!
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bears have nothing but trouble on offense, the defense is worn down, Ron Rivera is looking to defeat his old team, and Cam Newton is hungry for his first away win. That said, the Bears will still win 66 to 8.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Joyce A. Meyers once said, “A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.” The Bears could also use a running game.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on the Bears?
WW: Everybody talks about the storied rivalry between the Bears and the Packers, but that’s nothing compared to my battle with the Blue Snowman.
Des: Really? Why haven’t I heard of him?
WW: Well, her true identity is Byrna Brilyant, a small town school-teacher and scientist who disguised herself as a man called "The Blue Snowman," using a telescopic snow ray to create and reverse blue snow, which paralyzed victims.
Des: So… she’s a cross-dressing super-villain, whose powers are only useful two or three months out of the year. I’m surprised that she never caught on.
WW: Did I mention that she later created an army of robots attuned to her brainwaves?
Des: Were they robot snowmen? Crush….kill… Help! I’m melting! Fatal error! Fatal error!
Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are filled with bittersweet complexities, generation-defying insights, and are, collectively, a requiem of the post 9/11 dream.
Des: Prissy Minion, you may want to lay off on those Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut doesn’t synch well with The Wizard of Oz. Believe me, I’ve tried. Multiple times.
Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Miller Lite, which is apparently the “manliest” of light beers, but I’m not sure how “manly” and “light beer” get put together in a sentence. Now Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels: those are drinks that’ll get you to ride roller coasters and catch fish without fear, not to mention a bunch of other less, uh, benign activities. And, by “benign”, I mean “legal.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)