Bears vs. Saints: 12-15-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears play the New Orleans Saints in another game that is inexplicably nationally televised after receiving a savage beating from the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday Night Football! Laughably, this game has playoff implications for one of these 5-8 teams. Will the Bears get to play the role of spoiler, thrusting the Saints in the same death spiral with the 49ers? Or will the Saints earn the “honor” of getting destroyed by a vastly superior wild card team in the playoffs?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-fresh” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Santa comes not-early-enough for the Chicago Bears as the cast of this worthless pre-game “show” offer undeserved gifts to our struggling Monsters of the Midway. As for me, the cruelest gift I could give the Bears is that they win the last three games, finishing the season with an 8-8 record, destroying any chances of getting a good player from the draft. It’s a “Gift of the Magi” in the sense that it’s a complete waste of money and effort.

Des: Doctor McChesty, what gift do you have for the Bears?

Sally: The same gift I have for every NFL team, Des. Complete contempt for a violent, pointless sport that has longer pauses for discussing arcane procedural rules than 50 Senate filibusters.

Des: Ellie Mae, what do you plan to put under the Halas Hall tree?

Ellie Mae: While pig nuts are the inside joke that keeps on giving, the best gift I could give the Bears is to move them to the NFC South, where they could win the division with a 6-10 record.

Des: Concord, what do you have for the Bears?

Concord: A statistical analysis indicating that, on paper, the Bears should have won every game this season and won the Super Bowl by 40 points. Oddly, when I coached the Bears as my fantasy football team, they had a 9-4 record. Of course, that was after I traded Mel Tucker for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Des: Modre?

Modre: My gift to the Bears is a colorless, odorless substance that doesn’t leave a trace in the bloodstream of Aaron Rogers.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What did you provide as a stocking stuffer?

Drunky: Need you ask, Des? Empty whiskey bottles from every tailgate party this doomed season.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, if you played an endless loop of every Bears pre-game show since 2002 in the Soldier Field locker room and on the sideline, you would provide a powerful incentive for the offense to score first downs just to stay on the field. Or maybe that wall of sound would burrow into Mel Tucker’s brain, adding that much needed “savant” component to “idiot savant.”

Des:  Prissy, are you only referring to my pre-game show, or every pre-game show from the past 12 years played simultaneously, forming a mélange of redundancy that’s almost like a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” if it were sung by the Borg?

Prissy: Option B.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to turn viewers away from “Year Without a Santa Claus”…. which is on right now! End transmission!

Bears vs. Cowboys: 12-4-2014

BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 12-4-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, another team that also embarrassed themselves on Thanksgiving. Will the Bears and Cowboys play their best game of the year as they seek redemption in front of another national TV audience? Or will both coaches spend the game commiserating with each other about how their once-proud franchises were ruined by quarterbacks who never quite lived up to their potential?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Butterface” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and random street corner stench factory, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! I be tired of thinking about the Bears or professional football. Nay, me every waking thought turns toward the Freewinds, flagship vessel of the Church of Scientology: the ultimate prize of me pirate fleet. Not only would I possess the untold wealth from the sales of the legendary E-meters, but I also would become the receptacle of the transcendent wisdom of the Operating Thetans on board the ship, which, if I read the Wikipedia entry correctly, means I should have “knowing and willing cause over life, thought, matter, energy, space, and time.”

Des: Wouldn’t it be easier just to steal some mystic ring or orb, or some kind of magical jewelry, star child, or parchment? Modre, isn’t Captain Redbeard’s quest for transcendent knowledge horning in on your turf?

Modre: “I have high hopes of smashing into history so violently that it will take a legendary form even if all books are destroyed.” So sayeth L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest philosopher of the 20^th century. Of course, any century that has Ayn Rand on its short list of “greatest philosphers” has a pretty low bar.

Des: I apologize, Modre. Nobody could, uh, fill those, uh… is “shoes” really the best word for this idiom? I’m thinking, it’s more like Vasoline covered sandals for slip-sliding away to a better world, man.  Um, Drunky McDumbAss. Give us some us your “street wisdom.”

Drunky: Wow, Des. Those are the most offensive air quotes I’ve ever seen. But I will dignify that with a response, if by “dignify”, you mean “launch into a 24 hour circular tirade that increases in anger, incoherence, and blood alcohol content.” So… yeah…. Thursday Night games are awesome because you’re only competing against college kids in the sports bars, and I could totally take those guys on. Until I wake up duct taped to an elevator again. Whenever I find myself in an elevator, I make sure I push the elevator buttons with my knuckles so I don’t get any diseases.

Des: Drunky, I’m sure that whatever super-mega-hyper Ebola virus you’re carrying would destroy all competing infectious agents. I think that catching a cold from some tourist is the least of your health worries.

Drunky: Well, Des, what I do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes to four days later, I wake up in my apartment. Or police car. Or Wendy’s drive through. Or church. It’s like stepping through a portal into another dimension. You never know where you’ll turn up.

Des: Inside a puddle of vomit is a pretty safe bet.

Des: All right, thank you, Drunky. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried stocking stuffers have you brought for the holiday season?

Ellie: Funny you should say that. It’s the stocking itself that’s been deep fried to kill most of the various festering foot fungi of my extended family. Each stocking has been carefully handcrafted from the scraps of various car wash towels in the tri-county area, then loving shared with each of the 92 members of the MacGillicutty family until it no longer resembles something one would call “footwear.” Then after it’s been deep fried in the grease of some combination of hamster gizzards, pigeons, and crawfish from the bowels of Louisiana, we stuff it with butter, funnel cakes, and French fries, drizzled in a Ramen Noodle Casserole.

Des: Uh... and that’s all the time we have, boys and girls. Doctor McChesty, please fade this production to black.

Sally: Of course, L. Ron Desmo. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to draw more viewers than All in the Family, by which I mean The McCarthys

Bears vs. Lions: 11-27-2014

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-27-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in their first Thanksgiving game since 2004. Will the Bears defense be able to give Jay Cutler a short field against a team that is no longer at the very bottom of the NFL? Or will today’s game come down to a question of which quarterback is the last to throw an interception?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bonesteel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man who invites himself to more Thanksgivings than Peppermint Patty, Drunky McDumbAss.

Drunky: Speaking of peppermint patties, I could really go for a peppermint schnapps right now. Or something else of the breath mint variety for the car ride home. Hey, what’s that repeated stabbing sensation in my back? Is that my liver again?

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Those painful stab wounds are brought to you by me blood soaked steely blade for depriving me of me opening tirade that has been a staple of this pre-game show since the Bears were naught but the Decatur Staleys. Or it could also be your liver, McDumbAss. I would never completely rule that out.

Now that I have regained me rightful position, ‘tis time for a Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis my deepest shame: the Oakland Raiders with their 1-10 record at the very bottom of the NFL. Ye may be asking, “Why only pick on the Raiders, Captain Redbeard? The Jacksonville Jaguars have an equally bad record.”

Allow me to answer this question in two parts: Part 1- Shut up! Who be you to challenge the aqua satanic majesty of Captain Redbeard, dread lord of the seven seas, scourge of legitimate maritime commerce, and feared card cheat? Part B- No one ever expects the Jaguars to ever amount to anything, but the Raiders once represented the Brotherhood of the Eternal Dank with pride, striking terror in the hearts of hapless AFC teams throughout the Pacific Coast. Ever since the referees stole that “Snow Bowl” game from Oakland and handed it to the Patriots, the Raiders have suffered a decade in the football equivalent of the Sargasso Sea. That game be a true act of piracy!

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The first meal eaten on the moon by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was turkey. But you were probably looking for Bears trivia. The Bears are 8-7 against the Lions on Thanksgiving. In 2004, they lost to the Cowboys 21 to 7 with despite having legendary quarterbacks Jonathan Quinn and Craig Krenzel at the helm. In 1999, the Lions beat the Bears despite having future Hall of Famer Jim Miller standing behind the center. While quarterbacking has been a historical weakness for the Bears, the Lions are 1-9 in their last 10 Thanksgiving games. Go Bears!

Des: Thank you, Concord. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie: What else but Trashcan Turkey wrapped in corn huskings and served on chairs from a 1975 Ford pickup truck placed on cinder blocks? 

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desmondolina. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine which team is its own worst enemy.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 11-23-2014

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 11-23-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after pulling themselves together to defeat one of the worst teams in the NFL. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of demonstrating basic competence to beat another bad team? Or will they suffer an embarrassing loss to their former coach Lovie Smith, who will remind them what an acceptable defense can do?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Master of Mayhem” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the guest who came to stay and never leave, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to enter a period of terrible soul serching as me favorite non-piratannical football team battles against me second favorite pirate themed team. On the one hand, ye have the Chicago Football Bears, whose legend was built on a foundation of a fearsome defense that now couldn’t stop a baby from stealing candy from the end zone. On the other hand, ye have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were mostly known for having aquamarine uniforms featuring a sailor with a blade in its mouth whose glory days came when they stole a coach from me favorite privateer-themed team, the Oakland Raiders. Since there be no football performance related statistic nor sentimental attachment to decide me preference, ‘tis naught but pure greed that will persuade me to support the Bears this Sunday: I have a fleet of unauthorized Bears merchandise waiting to be sold without the express written consent of Major League Football.

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who will continue to party at Soldier Field through Sunday’s game into the upcoming Thanksgiving match-up. Drunky, aren’t the Bears playing the Thanksgiving game in Detroit?

Drunky: That’s right, Des, but there’s really no point in going to Detroit unless you can prove you’re a non-resident who makes more than $10,000,000 a year. Governor Snyder is testing out this means-testing criteria to enter Detroit before making it part of his campaign platform to reform immigration into the U.S. as part of a 2016 presidential run. I’ve also heard they’re cutting off oxygen to parts of Detroit outside of the sports stadiums.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Mason Cooley once said, “Reading about ethics is about as likely to make one a saint as reading about sports will make one into an athlete.” Despite this, I look forward to reading Roger Goodell’s biography after he’s drummed out of the NFL.

Des: While all of this political comedy is draining the comedy ranking of this pre-game cavalcade several notches below Doonesbury, let’s bring in Concord Peabody to lighten things up.

Concord: Well, Des, all the pieces are in place for the Bears to finish the season by beating the Buccaneers, the Lions twice, and the Vikings again, resulting in a glorious… 8-8 season.

Des: That didn’t help at all! Ellie Mae, cheer me up, would you?

Ellie: The only comfort I can provide is through a burlap sack of surplus pig nuts I scraped of the ground of our ½ acre dirt farm. At least I think it’s pig nuts. It might just be random twigs, car parts, and Moxie soda bottles.

Des: Ellie Mae, how did you become part of our show?

Ellie: Oh, please! Your cast consists of a pirate, a drunk, a Lisa Simpson rip-off, a stalker, and whatever Modre is. Concord Peabody is the only character who pretends to care about football, and even he has no idea what he’s talking about. I fit right in!

Des: And I thought Doctor McChesty was based more on Beavis and Butthead’s “Darla.”

Ellie: Obscure references to unpopular 1990s TV shows will never save you.

Des: Prissy Minion. Unnerve me with your obsequiousness.

Prissy: Like Guardians of the Galaxy, you are irrelevant, reckless, and scrappy.

Des: I think you meant “irreverent.”

Prissy: Oops. And you also make good mix tapes. On cassettes. Still.

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desimandela. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that, contrary to the writings of various sports jerks, is not the “Toilet Bowl.” That “honor” goes to the Jets-Bills game. Go Neckbeard! (Assuming he’s still the Bills’ quarterback.)

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-16-2014

ARRRRH, Mateys! I be brutally disappointed by the Bears historically dismal performance last Sunday. Truly they be mutinous dogs trying to send a message to Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, Mel Tucker, and whoever be the offensive coordinator. But sadly, the only message received by the fans and other NFL teams is "We suck!" But not to worry, Bears fans! Me Tampa Bay Buccaneers will finish off the aforementioned cavalcade of football ineptitude, making the Thanksgiving game a feast of journeymen quarterbacks and coaches who are naught but the misbegotten grand-spawn of various coaches from the 1960s, none of whom are named "Halas" or "Lombardi", sadly. As for the rest of our sports panel, they gave up on the Bears this week and are pursuing other interests, like GED classes and equestria.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-9-2014

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-9-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after being horribly eviscerated by the New England Patriots. Will Marc Trestman and Aaron Kromer find the magic keys to somehow teach Jay Cutler to throw passes to his teammates, as opposed the waiting arms of the Packers, random mascots, cheerleaders, and the numerous demons that haunt his nightmares, both sleeping and waking? Or will the call go out for the Bears to hire a new quarterback with a more colorful name, like Colt McCoy, Lance McSquarejaw, or Neckbeard?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dolphin Blob” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and from the deepest South, introducing Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears have too many problems to name, but I’ll give it a stab with me blood-drenched cutlass: A pass defense that makes me more nauseated than a norovirus-afflicted cruise ship, a general manager whose comments about “work ethic” and having “a system of doing things” resembles the drunken ramblings of the captain of the Costa Concordia, and a quarterback whose navigation skills make the captain of the Bahamas Celebration look like Magellan.

Des: Captain, that’s a disturbingly recent montage of cruise ship disasters.

Redbeard: Aye. Which is why I offer to your readers/listeners deeply discounted tickets to Captain Redbeard’s Thanksgiving Cruise, where we reenact the original Mayflower voyage with full historical accuracy, which unfortunately includes massive outbreaks of scurvy, pneumonia, and tuberculosis. Also, the residents/tourists of Cape Cod probably won’t appreciate our authentic recreation of the Mayflower landfall where we raid any unprotected stores of corn, or what the natives call “maize.” But don’t look for us on Groupon. We’re more of a Saveology-based enterprise because I’m pretty sure that a portion of the proceeds go to Scientology, whose KRC triangle of “Knowledge, Responsibility, and Control” really gave me the focus I needed to more successfully plunder the coastal cities of Somalia.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Unfortunately, your Thanksgiving tirade comes a bit too early, as I was hoping to save that for the Bears game on Thanksgiving.

Redbeard: Stop being such a lazy slaggard, Des! All ye need do is slap together some standard references to tryptophan, women being stuck in the kitchen while men watch football, and say “turducken” over and over again, and ye be all set!

Des: Concord Peabody. We haven’t heard from you in a while. What do you have for us?

Concord: The Bears are 30-0 when it comes to games they’d be better off losing. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, I know you’ll transcend the limitations of football pre-game coverage even though I’d rather you didn’t.

Modre: O. Henry once declared, “There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that’s purely American.” Except for Canada and Liberia.

Des: Again with the premature Thanksgiving jokes. Do we have orders from Corporate to get our Thanksgiving jokes out of the way now so we can go right to Christmas-themed comedy next week? Here to ignore that question altogether is our newest member of Captain Redbeard’s Bears Preview: Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Ellie: Well, what we have ourselves as an offering outside of the Green Bay Packer football stadium of Lambeau Field is what I’d like to call a Pig Nut Buffet. Now it’s true that there is a variety of unrelated plants that are called pig nuts, ranging from bunium bulbocastinum, which is a smoky flavored spice used in dishes in the Indian subcontinent, to the pig nut hickory that grows where I come from in the deep south, although its tendrils extend as far north as New England and even lower Ontario

            But while pig nut actually exists, we just steal the name to give down-home flavor to what is really just a stew of various road-kill.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to bring things to a staggering conclusion?

Sally: I would think that a “staggering conclusion” would be more Drunky McDumbAss’s forte, Des, but whatever. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that goes up against The Walking Dead—which pretty much describes the Bears defense. (Cue sad slide whistle).

Bears vs. Patriots: 10-26-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears travel to New England to face the Patriots, whose rapidly aging quarterback still does better than every Bears quarterback in history combined, excluding the bad ones—which excludes all but maybe two. Will the Bears put together an error-free game and take advantage of New England’s many flaws that have not yet been exploited by inferior foes? Or will the Bears whole continue to be less than the sum of its parts, especially when one of those parts is Jay Cutler?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wonderwall” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the 21^st Century version of W.C. Fields, but without the charm, clever wit, or a rudimentary education, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, do ye believe that ye can somehow draw Generation X’ers into this pre-game cavalcade with a reference to an Oasis album? If so, ye be a bigger fool than today’s young people who flock to ISIS because, apparently, we don’t have enough neo-Nazi or radical communist groups to absorb our disaffected youth. I live in fear of the inevitable Islamo-rock bands that have probably already emerged in cities and college towns across America because you don’t have a viable sub-culture unless you have a few rock bands dedicated to spreading whatever half-assed message you’re trying to get across. In my youth, I myself tried to spawn a pirate rock movement whose end results deserve to die on the slowly decaying 8 tracks stashed in my Hull of Shame which has somehow survived numerous torpedo-ings. Sadly, pirate rock was pretty much nothing more than increasingly angry renditions of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

So, to answer your original question, Des, the Bears should bench Jay Cutler. This wouldn’t be the first time the Bears spent $100 billion on a quarterback who was a bust, nor will it be the last, unfortunately.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Jay Cutler has survived seven consecutive games without a season-ending injury, but you wouldn’t know it from the Bears’ 3-4 record.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. How are things going in New England?

Drunky: Des, I drove through DWI roadblocks in six states in six minutes.

Des: Because New England states are so tiny. I get it, Drunky. You better be careful in Maine, though. I hear that’s disputed territory with the British.

Drunky: Not since the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842. But don’t worry, Des. If the Lobsterbacks invade Maine, 44.7% of my Scottish blood will resist it.

Des: Modre. Scramble my refrigerator word magnets.

Modre: Friedrich Nietzsche was once said, “The best author will be one who is ashamed to become a writer.” That should be true of every profession.

Des: Uh, sure. Why not? Prissy Minion. Go, solely because it’s your turn.

Prissy: Des, your posts are both jubilant and anarchic in that they make no sense and make me laugh in spite of themselves. But that’s still pure genius, and, for that, I thank you.

Sally: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on this pre-game experience, brought to by the Jean Shaheen for Senate Campaign, which hopes that her home field advantage works out better than the Bears this season.