BEARS VS. BROWNS: 11-1-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a heartbreaking loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears have an answer for Coach “Man-Genius”? And will it be something besides “better not tell you now?”
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Easy Rider” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed general William Westmoreland.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The idle speculation over whether the NFL will place a team in London or Los Angeles brings a chuckle to this ancient mariner’s heart. Why not bring a professional team to Chicago? ‘Tis a pretty big market, filled to bursting with treasure and booty even though Denver and Cincinnati have successfully plundered the Bears of its offensive talent. I myself have stolen many a treasure from the Art Institute and Museum of Broadcast History, whiling away many a lonely hour with me purloined Dirty Dragon puppet and Blob clay formation.
Des: And indeed the Bears talent has been very offensive. (Insert rim shot) Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: I still believe Lovie Smith made the right decision when he made himself defensive co-Odinator.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the refuge of the incompetent.” That’s only true for Ron Turner.
Des: General William Westmoreland. Your advice for the Bears.
GWW: “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. After last Sunday’s Bears game, only your broadcasts remind me that there still is a god.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game that should be totally awesome as long as Harvey Pekar can do the play by play. Or Funky Winkerbean. Either way, it’s cancer-tastic. Anyone but Cleveland Brown, the cartoon character.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Bears vs. Bengals: 10-25-09
BEARS VS. BENGALS: 10-25-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Bears vs. Falcons: 10-18-09
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-18-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons after thoroughly extinguishing the dying embers of hope for the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears continue their impressive streak of wins? Or will Atlanta’s perfectly balanced offense of tight ends, wide receivers, and running backs frustrate the Bears like they did to the, uh, Patriots? (Oops)
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “88 Keys” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! My nautically themed advice to the Bears this week is to use the “chum-bucket” defense, where ye liquefy the offense into a tasty goo fit for consumption by the Dallas Cowboys the following week.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: Ron Turner is the perfect offensive co-Odinator for the Bears.
SR: I heartily concur, matey! Turner combines the wisdom of Odin, the fury of Thor, and the cunning of Loki! Now we just need the girth of Volstagg on defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Citizens of Chicago: when the Olympics opened in Tokyo in 1964, they were so transcendent, we still have a national holiday on October 12 to commemorate it. But, like a World Series at Wrigley, that is a pleasure you will never experience!
Des: Modre, that’s kind of harsh even for you, isn’t it?
Modre: Sometimes I rub salt in the wound to promote healing, but this time, it is only for my amusement!
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: As Judy Tenuta once said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you.”
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the Nissan Cube, which, sadly, is not a giant Rubik’s Cube. If you had to keep twisting the car itself in order to find the door… that would be hysterical!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons after thoroughly extinguishing the dying embers of hope for the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears continue their impressive streak of wins? Or will Atlanta’s perfectly balanced offense of tight ends, wide receivers, and running backs frustrate the Bears like they did to the, uh, Patriots? (Oops)
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “88 Keys” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! My nautically themed advice to the Bears this week is to use the “chum-bucket” defense, where ye liquefy the offense into a tasty goo fit for consumption by the Dallas Cowboys the following week.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: Ron Turner is the perfect offensive co-Odinator for the Bears.
SR: I heartily concur, matey! Turner combines the wisdom of Odin, the fury of Thor, and the cunning of Loki! Now we just need the girth of Volstagg on defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Citizens of Chicago: when the Olympics opened in Tokyo in 1964, they were so transcendent, we still have a national holiday on October 12 to commemorate it. But, like a World Series at Wrigley, that is a pleasure you will never experience!
Des: Modre, that’s kind of harsh even for you, isn’t it?
Modre: Sometimes I rub salt in the wound to promote healing, but this time, it is only for my amusement!
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: As Judy Tenuta once said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you.”
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the Nissan Cube, which, sadly, is not a giant Rubik’s Cube. If you had to keep twisting the car itself in order to find the door… that would be hysterical!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Bears vs. Lions: 10-4-09
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-4-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.
Des: Madonna. Your impressions.
M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”
SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.
Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?
CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?
Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.
Des: Madonna. Your impressions.
M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”
SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.
Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?
CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?
Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!
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