Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in Phase Two of their Southern Campaign that hasn’t exactly resembled Sherman’s March to the Sea. Will the Bears use a brutally ruthless offense to reduce Atlanta to cinders while constructing a defense acceptable enough to hold on to Gettysburg? Or will Marc Trestman play the role of George McClellan and use a conservative run offense that goes nowhere?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Unconditional Surrender” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the eternal drinking game, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, Des, your prejudice against all things aquatic is laid bare for all to see! Where be the critical role played by the Union and Confederate Navies in your extended-to-the-breaking-point metaphor? Whilst I could make me standard double entendre about the Anaconda Strategy, this time I prefer to express me hope that the Bears defense today resembles the ironclad USS Monitor upon which the Falcons bounce off like so many Confederate cannonballs and not the Ironsides wheelchairs I stole from Raymond Burr and Blair Underwood, the star of the 2013 remake that was cancelled after three episodes, both of which I will later use to laughably wheel myself down the deck of me ship after too many casks of white Jamaican rum.

Des: I liked it better when everyone just ignored my opening question. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: A mighty dragon cannot crush a native snake. I’m not sure whether the Bears are the dragons or the snakes, or if that even matters.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Doctor McChesty. Who will win today’s Bears game?

Sally: Well, Des, both teams can best be described as ones where the whole is less than the sum of its parts. So I guess it’s all about how you add up the numbers.

Des: Isn’t that your job?

Sally: It is this week, Des, until you come up with another way to define my character.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: I’m incoherent rambling into my smart phone from the back seat of Des-boy’s 1972 Ford Torino. We’re hiding behind some abandoned factory.

Des-boy: Shut up, McDumbAss! You want the revenuers to find us?

Des: Prissy Minion. End this on a positive note if you can, but, please… end this!

Prissy: Des, your posts are always soothing yet adventurous, and you never settle for passable while the transcendent is still within reach.

Des: Just like Leonard Cohen’s new album, Popular Problems, now available on I-tunes and wherever good music is sold. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that’s apparently important enough to be flexibly scheduled to 3:30 Central Time, which I just discovered right now, totally throwing off my plans for my entire Sunday, dad-blast it!

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-5-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after a really embarrassing loss against the arch nemesis Green Bay Packers. Which Bears team will show up at Bank of America Stadium? Will it be the team that dominated the 49ers and Jets with competent quarterbacking, adhesive receivers, and acceptable defense? Or will it be last week’s team of panicky passing, numerous turnovers, and AWOL defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Baby Doc” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and southern fried corn-poke Cornelius Van Robert E. Lee Des-boy.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! In the 12 years that we’ve been together in this pre-game cavalcade, we’ve never once answered - - or even acknowledged - - the opening question. This streak comes to an end. Your question requires a two part answer, Des. For the first quarter, you will see Team A… the one with the skillful, patient, accurate Jay Cutler; the focused, agile receivers; and defensive players who may occasionally execute a block or tackle. All of those players will be carted off the field due to injuries during the second quarter, and that’s when you’ll see Team B.

Des: Modre. The bottle is pointing at you.

Modre: “Font of Western wisdom whose name you are no doubt mispronouncing in your head as you read this” Emile Bronte once said, “The tyrant grinds down his slaves and they don't turn against him, they crush those beneath them.”

Des: Modre, what does that have to do with football?

Modre: Nothing at all. I just like to instigate class warfare.

Des: That comment suggests something new and different about your character, Modre. But I’m not sure that it makes you in any way more likable or relatable. Although neither are exactly common attributes of the participants of this blog. Doctor McChesty.  How will the Bears do today?

Sally: The Panthers’ run defense is every bit as bad as the Bears, and Cam Newton is a shadow of his former self, but any team coached by former Bear Ron Rivera should never be counted out.

Des: Doctor McChesty, how are you adjusting to your new role as the slightly less eccentric Concord Peabody?

Sally: Oh! Uh, Bears win 73-0.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. Paint a picture with a Technicolor yawn.

Drunky: (Oh, that’s good Thunderbird.) Well, uhhhhhh…. Des… I was just sharing my, uhhhh…. liquid wisdom, if you will, about a variety of, um topics and interests, all of which end with “Fire Mel Tucker.”

Des: A sentiment shared by many whose blood alcohol content is 1000 times less lethal than yours, Drunky. Would you welcome, rarely recurring character, Des-boy?

Des-boy: Des, for a man who consistently condemns the NFL for allowing the nation’s capitol’s football team to be named after a racial slur, you sure do like to populate your blog with nuthin’ but stereotypes. Now that you’ve filled me with incoherent rage, I’m gonna go enjoy some corn squeezins’ while flipping back and forth between the Charlotte Panthers and the NASCAR. We welcome the Chicago Bears as they descend south of the Mason-Dixon line for three straight weeks into a world they never made.

Des: Prissy Minion. End this. End it now.

Prissy: Des, your agile comedic ramblings, and seductive lyric scenarios, combined with your quantifiable “poetrics”, as I like to call them, can only lead to one conclusion for the viewer: this is a sleek comedic love fest that’s also a much needed repeated shot to the solar plexus of pop culture… or would be, if you had more than 10 readers, all of whom are from former, soon to be future, Soviet republics.

Des: Ouch! Uh… (boo, hoo, hoo). Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match previewed on web sites that are inexplicably covered with ads for Tea Party candidates, veal, and nuclear power.

Bears vs. Packers: 9-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Chapter MCMLVI of the world’s greatest sports rivalry in the history of the universe! Will the Bears harden in concrete the winning puzzle pieces of a consistent passing game, error-free special teams, and a competent defense? Or will Aaron Rogers throw touchdown passes in the same robotic fashion he uses when delivering straight lines on State Farm commercials?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Cool Ranch Dorito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and our pale shadow of Dean Martin, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! After spending hours at the bedside of ailing North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in which we traded mystical objects that would make the darkest nightmares of H.P. Lovecraft seem pleasant by comparison, I bring to thee unsuspecting landlubbers the Chum Bucket of the NFL: the team that will fail to win a single game this season. It deeply shames me that two of the winless NFL teams are the Buccaneers and the Raiders. Ne’er the less, the one team that will not win a single game this year will be the Jacksonville Jaguars. Florida was not meant to support three football teams, maybe not even two.

Des: Captain, last year, you predicted that Washington wouldn’t win a single game. While a 3-13 record is nothing to be proud of, the Texans did worse with a 2-14 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I decided last year that having Dan Snyder’s team lose every game wasn’t cruel enough. Part of this year’s Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble involves having Washington win 3 games in a row midseason and then losing the rest to finish off with a 4-12 record, which would be one game shy of winning the division. That “honor” will go to the Cowboys, who will win the NFC East Division with a 5-11 season.

Des: A sad vision of things to come. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, while the Packers had a tough outing against the Lions, Aaron Rogers is still one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the Bears run defense is dangerously weak, and the Packers have had the Bears’ number for a while now, even at Soldier Field. That said, the Bears still win 35-11.

Des: Wait... Concord, how do you expect the Packers to score 11 points?

Concord: 3 field goals and a safety. Or a field goal plus a touchdown with a 2-point conversion. What am I, Des, the Shell Answer Man?

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty, what’s your prescription for a Bears victory?

Sally: Prescription? Oh, I get it. Because I’m a doctor. No, Des, my doctorate is in Sports Business Management… which, come to think of it, does involve dispensing a lot of pain medication.

Des: Speaking of self-medication, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I’m in Soldier Field jail again because, apparently, setting fire to a Cheesehead hat and urinating on its ashes while a Packers fan is still wearing it, isn’t considered an “appropriate” way to show team spirit.

Des: Prissy Minion, put a merciful end to this.

Prissy: Des, your transition from teen idol to sports commentator legend combines the best elements of bad girl Miley Cyrus to the matriarchal purity of Hillary Duff.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much more enjoyable if you mute the tortured logic chain leading to nowhere funny that is otherwise known as this year’s Miller Lite commercials.

Bears vs. Jets: 9-22-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Jets after a surprising upset of the once-dominant 49ers fueled by a lust for revenge after Cutler’s helmet-to-chest plate injury. Will Jay Cutler endure another injury to spur the Bears to victory? Or will Rex Ryan’s rambling tirades and empty promises also prove inspirational… to the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Emperor of Scotland” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and “hero” of the half-keg, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has made a career of exploiting me self-inflicted wounds, both physical and emotional, I welcome this new strategy of Cutler to inspire his team via overcoming crippling injury. May I suggest acquiring a peg leg or glass eye? What ye lose in mobility and depth perception, ye more than make up with loyalty and steadfastness of yer crew!

Des: At the risk of poking very large holes in what you laughably call a managerial opus, Captain, don’t you have to brutally beat down a mutiny on a daily basis?

SR: Ye can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, if by “omelet” ye mean “a modestly successful voyage”, and by “eggs” ye mean “the entire crew”. And a few horses ye have to throw overboard.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 0-20 when they play in stadiums named after insurance companies that exploit holes in Medicaid coverage.  That said, the Bears will win 30-7.

Des: Modre! Cram some comedy into the casing of NFL references.

Modre: It is better to dance lightly across the astro-turf of human emotion than suffocate numbly beneath the sheltering darkness of the replay hood.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. What’s your opinion of Roger Goodell’s news conference regarding the numerous domestic abuse accusations and videos in the news?

SMC: Didn’t you get the memo from the NFL, Des? Female football broadcasters only provide facts; we do not provide any analysis, interpretation, or context. That’s for the men folk.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I left John’s Garage in 2005 and haven’t found my way home since.

Des: Coming from anyone else, that would sound strangely poignant. Prissy Minion. Seal this in concrete, won’t you?

Prissy: If you like your negative and positive emotions numb, then you’ve come to the right place.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may cause you to turn around, bright eyes, away from the newest episode of The Big Bang Theory or the Simpsons marathon on F quadruple X.

Bears vs. 49ers: 9-14-2014

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 9-14-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers after an embarrassing loss to the terrible Buffalo Bills. Will the Bears find one healthy receiver, an acceptable defense, and a coach who can show Jay Cutler how to throw to his own team? Or will tonight’s game be naught be an awkward acknowledgement of the latest crime against humanity conducted by an NFL player, owner, or coach?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wood Rot” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and passed out speed bump, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Tremble before me delirious visions of futures too terrible to behold as I unfurl me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, which, out of sheer laziness, is actually a pencil maze from a Happy Meal originally entitled “Treasure Map to Childhood Obesity”, which starts with a Big Mac and ends with a fat kid, which then goes on to an insulin needle and a bottle of Lipitor. But I digest.

In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chiefs proudly displaying divisional banners, whilst the Patriots and Broncos saunter into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Bears, Saints, and 49ers will dominate their divisions. The NFC East is so awful that the Cowboys will triumph with a 7-9 record. The Seahawks and Panthers will be stained with the shame of entering as wild cards. Gasp with disbelief as  I reveal this startling conclusion to the 2014 football season: The 49ers will defeat the Chiefs in this year’s Super Bowl.

Des: Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that your AFC picks were almost identical to last year’s and that didn’t work out too well for you. What gives?

Redbeard: Well, Des, ‘tis like the lottery player who plays the same numbers every day for 60 years: you have to get lucky at some point.

Des: And what about the Bears? Did you pick them just to be nice?

Redbeard: After our very, very long association, Des, ye know better than anyone that there be nothing “nice” about me. Nay, me prediction is based solely upon my dark certainty that the Packers be one Aaron Rogers away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, the 49ers are one of the most dominant teams in the league, while the Bears are one of the most dominant teams in turning the ball over to their opponents. That said, Bears win 44-10.

Des: Wow. That’s the lowest margin of victory you’ve ever predicted. I’m scared! Modre. What Chinese fortune cookie are you plagiarizing this time?

Modre: As Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser…” in bed!

Des: Sally McChesty. What’s your take on the Bears’ struggling defense?

SMC: Well, Des, a wise person once said that a fish rots from the head down. Fire Mel Tucker!

Des:  Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

DMD: Well, Des, here in the… in thee.. (whoah) tailgate, uhhhh (burp) shed, we’ve been debating the David Duchovny ad for some kind of Russian beer in Russia, and, uhhhhh Go Bears!

Des: As coherent as always, Drunky! Prissy Minion. Try to dial down the disturbing-ness.

PM: Des, your style of comedy is a beautiful homage everything wrong with our pop culture 30 years ago.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will still manage to beat the Miss America Pageant in the ratings… mostly because no one remembers that it still exists. Also, it’s called a “competition” now, not a “pageant”, you rube!

Bears vs. Bills: 9-7-2014

BEARS VS. BILLS: 9-7-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Buffalo Bills in a bombastic battle of Biblical bombastitude fully in keeping with the Mighty Marvel Madmen’s tradition of aggressively annoying alliteration. Will Marc Trestman finally weave into place all the pieces of the Bears tapestry of offense, defense, special teams and other formerly loose threads into a magnificent puzzle, revealing the Vince Lombardi trophy? Or will the Bills somehow pull together a convincing enough victory to price the team beyond the grasping hands of Jon Bon Jovi?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Coco Crisp” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Thanks to a court-ordered drug regimen of Risperdal, Zyprexa, Haldol, and too many other anti-psychotic medications too numerous to count, let alone name, me ability to predict the future of the Bears this season be significantly blunted. But ne’er the less, prepare to take heed: The Bears will go 11-5 this year, defeating all of their AFC foes, which include the Bills, Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots. They will also soundly destroy the Cowboys, Falcons, and, sadly, the Buccaneers, plus their divisional foes the Vikings and Lions twice. Unfortunately, the Bears will fail against the might of the 49ers, Panthers, and Saints, and Aaron Rogers will manage to beat the Bears despite having career-ending injuries in both games.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears barely fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw a 9-7 season, but the Bears walked away with an 8-8 record.

SR: Aye. This year, I think Jay Cutler will exceed expectations by playing two consecutive games this season. That be my “key to victory”. Or is that me “Treasure Map to the Super Bowl”? I think that be next week’s episode. Stay tuned all of your numerous electronic devices, ye treacherous land lubbers!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bills have developed a murderous no huddle offense, Nigel Bradham is a very fast and powerful lineman, and E.J. Manuel is an acceptable quarterback. On the other hand, the Bills’ coach said that rookie offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio blocks like Venus De Milo, so I think we’re okay. Bears win 34- 9.

Des: Modre. I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: I have just completed reading the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, which alleges that the publisher warned Hawking that “for every equation in the book, the readership would be halved.” Behold the revised equation of comedy: tragedy + time = comedy, but tragedy + time X awareness of the comedy equation = ½ comedy. Presumably this is an infinite regression.

Des: Speaking of infinite regression, here’s Sally McChesty presenting the handful of celebrities who are still waiting their turn to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Sally, who’s left as a… heh, heh… washed-up celebrity?

SMC: Way to belittle a bunch of people who are just trying to help, Des. Now it’s my turn to jump in! We have Dennis Miller, Adrien Brody, and Christian Slater, all about to receive a dunking in well-earned obscurity. However, a warning to you Hollywood TV producers out there: Do not use your dark alchemy to turn these losers into dramatic gold a la Breaking Bad or Damages.

Des: Oh, the irony of an obscure reference maestro reduced to naught but a random throwaway micron of comedic trivia! Sit back and watch on your weird wrist phone or eye piece or magic giant ring or false tooth interface as the Bears face off in a game that will be littered with commercials featuring hallucinogenic properties that exceed the combined drug-induced ravings of Hunter S. Thompson, William S. Burrows, and Ken Kesey.