Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-16-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza begins episode 2 of its ongoing series of watching the Cubs post-season play while occasionally commenting on the Bears. We will be observing innings 5 and 6 of NLCS game 1 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Where are we watching this, everybody? The Ground Round? Wag’s? Do those places even exist anymore?

So…the Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jaguars after a forgettable loss against the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears be able to recapture a television audience once the Cubs complete their quest for a World Series championship? Or will there be yet another opening for yet another comic book based TV series on Netflix?

Sally: Enrique Hernandez lines out sharply to shortstop Addison Russell.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Ungalunga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and football’s answer to Charlie Brown, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Deep within this ancient mariner’s heart lies the hope that all the celebrities attending tonight’s Cubs game will sing a 10 minute long version of “We Are the World” during the 7^th inning stretch. ‘Twould truly be a most memorable sea chanty.

Sally: Joc Peterson bunt grounds out to third baseman Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Pinch-hitter Andre Ethier replaces Kenta Maeda.

Modre: When ancient curses die upon the lathe of the Coke bottle Malcolm X glasses of tomorrow’s retro style councils, who will remain to taste the remaining ash can Budweiser of a thousand Harry Caray statues clapping and singing a tune that can never die?

Sally: I don’t know. Drunky McDumbAss? Andre Ethier homers on a fly ball to left center field.

Drunky: Having been banned for life from all of Wrigleyville, I’m watching tonight’s deep within a Trump rally in New Hampshire.

Sally: Again with the Trump reference. Howie Kendrick grounds out to shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Russell, which ends the top of the fifth inning.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 85.5% chance of winning this election, up 4% from last week. There may still be 4 or 5 people left in America who Trump hasn’t personally insulted or sued yet. Go Trump!

Sally: The bottom of the fifth inning begins with a pitching change. Pedro Baez replaces Kenta Maeda, batting 9^th, replacing Andre Ethier

Prissy Minion: Kenda? As in Joe Kenda, of Homicide Hunter fame? His rich baritone reminds me of your singing voice, Des. Or Leonard Nimoy’s.

Sally: Kris Bryant walks.

Ellie Mae: I support Trump because he will pardon the cast of Duck Dynasty for crimes they are likely to commit in the future.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo strikes out swinging.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Forget what I said about Chicago celebrities performing We Are the World. For my Chum Bucket list, I would like to see Chicago’s Finest sing a medley of all the classic sea-chanties: Donovan’s Atlantis, Grand Funk Railroad’s I’m Your Captain, Adam Ant’s Jolly Roger…

Sally: Wait. Wouldn’t a Chum Bucket List be a list of things you would want to avoid in life at all costs? We should perhaps explore this concept in our New Year’s Eve episode. Ben Zobrist pops out to third baseman Justin Turner.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! The Toronto Blue Jays will be Canada’s revenge against American baseball. Also, we have already sealed our border to prevent the escape of Trump-related refugees. I leave it to you, the audience, to determine what I am darkly referring to.

Sally: Addison Russell strikes out, which retires the side.

Sally: And we begin the sixth inning.

Ellie Mae: Hillary Clinton had John Lennon killed so she could have Yoko all to herself.

Sally: That was delightfully random. Justin Turner flies out to right fielder Jason Heyward.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! I have expanded my list of demands to the 7^th inning stretch singers to include the Gilligan’s Island and Love Boat themes.

Sally: Yasiel Puig grounds out to first baseman Anthony Rizzo to pitcher John Lester. And that retires the side! Cubs still up 3-1.

Sally: And we are back at the bottom of the sixth. After hearing Just the Two of Us and If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out being used in commercials, are there any good songs that haven’t been strip mined by Madison Avenue?

Modre: It’s Halloween, by the Shaggs? Oh, wait. I think I heard that on an M & M’s commercial.

Sally: Jason Heyward flies out to left fielder Howie Kendrick.

Sally: Javier Baez doubles on a line drive to right fielder Yasiel Puig.

Drunky: Shouldn’t the horrible Buster Posey commercials end when his team is knocked out of the playoffs?

Sally: David Ross strikes out swinging. Pinch-hitter Jorge Soler replaces Jon Lester.

Prissy Minion: I thoroughly enjoy the complete lack of connection between the events of the Cubs game and the random comments of our sports panel. Truly, Des, this is the Scarborough Fair/Canticle of comedy, in that it’s an unintentional critique of the Vietnam War.

Sally: Soler grounds out, which ends the 6^th inning, and also concludes our appearance on the Bears pre-game show. End transmission.

Bears vs Colts: 10-9-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza is watching the Cubs play at the NLDS game 2 against the San Francisco baseball Giants. Where are we watching this, everybody? John’s Garage? The Snuggery? Do those places even exist anymore?

Anyway, we are coming to you live, beginning with the third inning after the Cubs jump ahead to a 4-0 lead, hopefully making it super-easy for Hendricks. As the Cubs chase World Series glory, the question remains: which repetitive tic should I focus on during Sunday night’s presidential debate to really drive up my drink count? My “producer” (who I guess is maybe the Prissy Minion?) tells me that this can’t be my opening question.

Well, okay, then. Here goes: The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts after defeating the Detroit Lions. Are the Indianapolis Colts a good team this year? I can’t use that as my opening question? I swear I’m not phoning this in! With Bears in the midst of what could laughably be called a “quarterback” controversy, two questions come to mind: Will the Bears repeat the keys to last week’s keys to success?

Sally: Joe Panik doubles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Des: Or will today’s game be a contest determined by the team who makes the fewest unforced errors, like tonight’s presidential debates? Yes! I am unafraid to unleash false equivalencies!

Sally: Gregor Blanco doubles on a line drive to center fielder Dexter Fowler.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Injured Relief” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the football equivalent of every Cubs curse put together, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, ye lack the discipline and the sense of timing necessary to successfully live blog a baseball game. Insert obvious comparison to the Chicago Bears.

Sally: Denard Span grounds out, second baseman Javier Baez to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Gregor Blanco advances to third. Let’s turn now to the random poetry of Modre.

Modre: “Today’s fireplace torso logs burn not as brightly as the naked diodes of the light emitting truths of yesterday’s at bat ramblings that retire the side splitting laughter from the personification of the joke that isn’t funny anymore.”

Sally: Brandon Belt out on a sacrifice fly to center fielder Dexter Fowler. Gregor Blanco scores. Drunky McDumbAss. Belch out some insights, won’t you?

Drunky: Friend of the Show Fray-D-Cat posted a Facebook photo of a Chicagoland White Castle sign that reads, “New Ghost Pepper Sliders: How brave is your crave?”  It’s an interesting marketing strategy to embrace your greatest weakness that your food causes pain!

Des: I dare you to eat this sandwich! What are you, chicken? It’s actually no recognizable meat whatsoever.

Sally: Buster Posey grounds out, which retires the side. Giants cut the lead in half, 4 to 2. Concord Peabody. Envelope us in a fog of numbers.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 81.3% chance of winning this election. Trump still has a 99.4% chance of winning Oklahoma, though. Go Trump!

Sally: Wow. A pitching change already. George Kontos. Prissy Minion. Provide some Des complimenture.

Prissy Minion: Des, your work contains a melancholic knowingness in that the things you mock are unbelievably sad.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, shortstop Brandon Crawford to first baseman Brandon Belt. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: After a long day of avoiding awareness of the outside world, nothing goes down better than a tall glass of Pepsi. Filled with Jack Daniels. Forget the Pepsi.

Sally: Jason Heyward lines out.

Redbeard: ARRRH, this game be brought to you by Ghost Bed, because the nightmares that afflict my dreams are not terrifying enough as it is!

Sally: Javier Baez strikes out swinging… a very quick 3^rd inning for the Cubs batters, but they retain the lead: 4-2. Coach Trestman, what are you doing here?

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Like Joe Buck, my unwelcome lack of expertise extends beyond football to encompass baseball. As well. What must les ours petites do to emerge victorious? Get a pitcher who possess le anti-charisma and waste a lot of time and money trying to coax him to fulfill what is presumably his full potential. It worked for Jay Cutlair and me.

Sally: Hunter Pence pops out to catcher Wilson Contreras in foul territory.

Sally: Brandon Crawford grounds out, third basement Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Des: I really don’t want to know what’s in Captain Redbeard’s third basement. Or Drunky McDumbAss’s. Or anyone’s from our football/baseball panel.

Concord: Forget a third basement. I would settle for a third room in my tiny, tiny apartment.

Sally: Angel Pagan singles on a line drive to pitcher Kyle Hendricks, who was hit by a 94 mile and hour pitch and will be replaced by Travis Wood. We step away for a commercial break.

Sally: We are back. Travis Wood on the mound, facing Gillaspie.

Sally: Travis Wood avenges the injuring of Hendricks by striking out Hendricks, retiring the Giants. Cubs still lead 4-2.

Sally: And we are back. We return to the bottom of the 4^th as the Cubs enjoy a 4-2 lead.

Ellie Mae: When I saw the Jack Daniels commercial where there are a bunch of people in chairs that represents the number of people born in Lynchburg, followed by a photo of only one person in a chair, I thought it was some sort of anti-NAFTA commercial by Donald Trump’s people. But then I thought: too subtle.

Sally: The good people at the MLB Network thought they were safe in running a taped bit while Cubs pitcher Travis Wood was up to bat, but then he hit a home run. Cubs lead 5-2.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! Me hearties…

Sally: Dexter Fowler flies out to right fielder Hunter Pence.

Ellie Mae: Pence? Yes, our next president after Trump is convicted of crimes to horrible to mention… less than 50 times per hour on our various news outlets.

Sally: Kris Bryant lines out to shortstop Brandon Crawford. Cubs expand their lead 5 to 2 at the conclusion of the 4^th inning.

Modre: Charles Schwab: Own your tomorrow. Tomorrow cannot be owned, it can, at best, be contained.

Sally: And we are back. Cubs lead 5-2, top of the 5^th inning of the second game of the NLDS series. Travis Wood strikes first, striking out Panik.

Trestman: Monsieur Desmond. Do you have me here to humiliate me solely for your own amusement?

Des: Oui.

Trestman: So I am your Chris Christie then. Je comprend, malheursement.

Sally: Pinch hitter Madison Bumgarner replaces George Kontos. And the inning ends in the time it takes for Des to type the previous sentence.

Drunky: I miss the giant taxi cabs that appear in the Bacardi commercial.

Sally: The bottom of the 5^th inning begins with another pitching change: Ty Blach replaces George Kontos.

Redbeard: ARRRRRHHHH! Who dares awaken me from my slumber? Oh, right. The multitude of my personal demons. When will I learn to project them onto the outside world?

Sally: Anthony Rizzon grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt.

Des: It’s been said that Donald Trump has been foisted on us by the Russians. Can we get our revenge by foisting a Yakov Smirnoff candidacy?

Sally: That would result in a nuclear holocaust. Zobrist strikes out.

Des: A nuclear holocaust of laughter.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt. We will be back after this word.

Des: And we are back with Cubs action. Did Tom Crusie’s line “Maybe I’ll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it” sound a little Manson-esque? Or Trump-esque?

Sally: That’s too subtle for Trump. It has a 5^th grade readability level. A Cubs pitching change starts off the 6^th inning. Carl Edwards Jr. replaces Travis Wood.

Drunky: Did someone say Smirnoff?

Sally: Go back to sleep, Drunky. Posey grounds out, shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Drunky: Has Trump set the bar so low that I can say whatever I want?

Sally: No. Pence grounds out, pitcher Carl Edwards Jr. to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Sally: Brandon Crawford singles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Redbeard:

Angel Pagan grounds into a force out, thus retiring the side. Cubs lead 5-2.

Modre:

Drunky: Another commercial featuring a human sized taxi cab. What is it with this nostalgia for a time in which travel was enjoyable instead of a baffling, painful ordeal?

Jason Heyward strikes out swinging. Time now for a pitching change commercial break.

Concord: The DQ five dollar meal commercial reminds me that, back in my day, I could get a Wendy’s value meal for $3.18. Of course, I was making $3.25 an hour working at Sears.

Sally: Baseball is inexorably becoming like football with its replay and its inexplicable lawyerly rulings. I say this in response to Javier Baez being called out on second during a replay. Did he break the plane of the second base?

Pinch hitter Miguel Montero replaces Carl Edwards Jr.

Drunky: Carl’s Jr.? Has their owner figured out how to replace all of his employees with cyborgs, like he keeps threatening to do?

Sally: Yeah, they are all T-1000 food distribution droids all networked through Skynet. Montero flies out, ending the 6^th inning with the Cubs still maintaining a 5-2 lead.

Sally: Top of the 7^th, with Mike Montgomery pitching for the Cubs.

Concord: I’ve worked for all the failed department store chains: Montgomery Wards, K-Mart, Zayre’s, Robert Hall Village. They better keep me away from JC Penny.

Sally: Can I career counsel you to work for Wal-Mart? Kelby Tomlinson strikes out swinging.

Sally: Panik grounds out, second baseman Jason Baez to first baseman Antony Rizzo.

Sally: Pinch-hitter Eduardo Nunez replaces Santiago Casillia.

Sally: Eduardo Nunez lines out sharply to left fielder Ben Zobrist, which brings up the 7^th inning stretch, which we will not be able to see. Sadly, we will not hear the pipes of Jim Belushi.

Sally: Bottom of the 7^th, ladies and germs. Derek Law now pitching for the Giants.

Concord: The number of starting quarterbacks for the Bears exceeds the number of people living in Detroit.

Sally: Shouldn’t you have saved that fact for the Bears/Lions game? Fowler strikes out on a foul tip.

Des: What the hell is that home run graphic for Kris Bryant? That looks like the graphic for some fireworks related tragedy.

Concord: I like the Cubs fan who fails to catch the foul ball and chucks his empty beer on the field in disgust. Kris Bryant will trip over it at the top of next inning and suffer a career ending injury, causing the Cubs to lose this series.

Sally: Kris Bryant reaches on a fielding error by second baseman Joe Panik, prompting a pitching change.

Sally: Lopez takes over on the mound.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo grounds out, advancing Kris Bryant to second.

Sally: Ben Zobrist pops out to catcher Buster Posey in foul territory, prompting another terrible GEICO commercial. Well, we will step away at this point so that Captain Redbeard can inhale a gigantic mélange of food and booze in the 8^th inning and inflict his opinions on social media in the 9^th, thus reaching a much, much larger audience than this pre-game episode.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-1-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a tough loss against Dallas in which the offense really turned on the heat… after it no longer mattered. With the Bears season once again over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will Kyle Hendricks’ pitching, and the hitting prowess of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo finally bring the Cubs World Series glory? Or will the inconsistent pitching of Hector Rondon and Pedro Strop give some idiot Cubs fan the opportunity to steal another title from Chicago?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gyruss” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the biggest curse to afflict Chicago sports, excepting 108 years of Cubs history, former coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! This be Week 4 of the NFL season, which can only mean that it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be four teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, the Cleveland Browns, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and, for the second consecutive year, the Chicago Football Bears. ‘Twill be the Cleveland Browns that will go winless this year, as the Cavaliers drained all the winning magic from this doomed metropolis for the next millennia.

Sally: At least you didn’t pick on the Bears this year, Captain. They exceeded your expectations by going 6-10, which is six more games than you expected.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, but they’ve already lost to three bad teams. Luckily, there be 7 more terrible teams to go.

Sally: Coach Trestman. Where do the Bears go from here?

Trestman: Bon matin, mes amis! I have completed mon petit dejeuner avec le fruit cup. Your Jean Fox must become more like the Reynard trickster fox of French legend, the peasant-hero character who outsmarts the aristocracy and the clergy, although, given that Renard symbolizes the triumph of cunning over brute strength, it is perhaps not the best metaphor to be applied to le football American, n’est-ce-pas?

Sally: Lunging from a mockery of pseudo-intellectuals to its polar opposite, would you welcome—Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Excuse me while I chomp on a concoction of chewin’ tobaccy, Big League Chew, and an assortment of Fiddle Faddle and mystery giblets. Know what would go good with this?

Sally: A third-grade education?

Ellie: An endless loop of the one time Donald Trump burned Hillary Clinton in the first debate when he nailed her on NAFTA, or NASCAR, or whatever.

Sally: Prissy Minion. Provide us with inexplicable Des Pride.

Prissy Minion: Des’s football musings place him among the great prophets throughout history in that they are deliberate misinterpreted to suit the needs of our political and religious leaders.

Des: That is indeed a high standard to live up to. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears battle the Lions for possession of the most disappointing legacy for their starting quarterback.

Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-24-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cowboys after a difficult loss to the surprisingly ascendant Philadelphia Eagles. Just like last year, and most likely the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… stretching back into countless infinity, the Bears enter Week 3 with their backup quarterback at the helm. Will the Bears defense take advantage of a rookie quarterback to give a badly depleted offense a short field? Or will tonight’s Bears game prove to be less compelling than a Bob Rohrman commercial during the Cubs game, which is also a Sunday Night game?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mr. Do!” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the terrifying night sweats of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! What be your fixation with 1980s arcade games, Des? Ye lack the hand-eye coordination to successfully navigate “Pong”, let alone more challenging consoles, like “Tempest” or “Bowling.” ‘Tis naught but an unsuccessful attempt to distract me from the plight of the Bears or Trump. Des, ye’ve repeatedly said to no one in particular, that, if only the Democrats or Republicans had picked someone besides Clinton or Trump, that person would be running away with the election by now. Well, I have news for ye, Des: each party could have randomly chosen anyone and the score would still be 46 to 44, in the same way that the Bears could throw anyone in at quarterback, and that poor, miserable, parrot-loving blowfish would find himself with a career ending injury in the opening drive.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Before I punt the ball over to Sally LeChesty to take over as master of ceremonies, let’s check in with the Prissy Minion.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. Your pre-game episodes are a tragicomic relic of the pre-Trump era. Oops, I may have spoken too soon about things that are in your future, but which, to me, are in the distant past. 30 years from now, you’re going to start too many sentences with, “You have to understand, things were very different in the 2010s…”

Des: Are you the 12^th Prissy Minion? My favorite 21^st century Prissy is David Tennant, but the best 20^th century Minion was Charles Nelson Reilly. Sally, it’s First and Ten for you.

Sally: Des, that’s the clumsiest football handoff since… every Bears game in recent memory. Let's go live now to the man who is most responsible for burning terrible play calling into our collective memory cells, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Bonsoir, mon amis. And I can say that legiti-ment, for this is a game that takes place under the shroud of darkness, la nuit dimanche, if you will. After much consultation with your site-meter, it has not escape mon gaze piteous that you now have 8 reads this past week that originate from France, as opposed to 16 from les Etats-Unis, and two from Russia, for les raisons inconnues. Apparently, the quickest way to grow an international audience is through les racisme stereotypique. Insert obvious Trump reference. Why, I wonder, does not the Modre work similar magic?

Sally: Thank you, Coach. Would you welcome a stereotype that both repudiates and validates Trump: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Clinton and Trump are inviting their opponent’s worst enemies to appear in the front row of Monday’s debate. That sounds like a typical McGillicutty divorce proceeding. Or wedding.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys in a game that will not draw viewers from the Cubs seventh inning stretch performance, featuring the Wrigley Field Grounds Crew, and/or Jim Belushi’s 90^th appearance.

Bears vs. Eagles: 9-19-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, another underperforming team with many, many problems. Will the Bears take this opportunity to slowly build their way to a 6-10 season? Or will Jay Cutler force the Bears to trade every draft pick until 2084 for the slim chance of getting Jimmy Garoppolo?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Robotron” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western Guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the extremely convenient scapegoat for everything bad that has happened to the Bears, past, present, and future, Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRH, mateys! If this be the second week of the Bears season, then it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl! After slaying famed Sumerian aqua deity Tiamat, and making her ribs the vault of heaven and earth, I stole the Tablet of Destinies, of which it is said that he who holds the tablet, rules the universe. Sure, I could use the tablet to wield the power of the gods, but I choose to merely use it to predict the winners of divisional titles in the NFL.

Sally: Captain, that’s no Tablet of Destinies. That’s not even some terrible Android tablet that they sold at a K-Mart that went out of business six months ago. (But some misguided hipsters keep showing up there, thinking it’s some sort of kitschy retro dance club.) That’s just some random wood block that has a sketch of what appears to be Winnie the Pooh.

Redbeard: It brings me comfort. But, uh… ARRRRHHHHHHHH! Here be the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl: In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Steelers, Colts, and Chiefs grinding their opponents to dust beneath their cleated foot, with the Jets and Bengals emerging as the wild cards. As for the NFC, it could only be the Eagles, Packers, Falcons, and Seahawks who will lay waste to their divisional rivals, while the Panthers and Cardinals will do their best to catch up with wild card placements. How will this all end, you ask? With Donald Trump helming the Super Bowl halftime show featuring the Green Bay Packers as they defeat the New England in a game watched by no one.

Sally: A dystopian vision of things to come, as always, Captain. I think this is the 90th year you have chosen the New England Patriots to go to the Super Bowl. Do you have some sort of man-crush on the Patriots?

Redbeard: How dare ye?!? Nay, I just have a special affinity for the pitiless managerial style of Bill Belichick. Ye know he has some terrible hatred against all mankind that will never be quenched no matter how many Super Bowl rings he may collect.

Sally: Last year’s predictions weren’t too bad, Captain. Six of your twelve picks did make it to the playoffs. You did best with the AFC: Four out of six saw post-season action, but I would be deeply worried if I were one of your NFC picks. Last year, three of your four choices to win divisional championships ended their seasons with a 7-9 record.

Redbeard: Ye should be worried if you’re any NFC team that’s not named “Packers” or “Panthers.”

Sally: Coach Trestman, what lessons can be drawn from your disastrous tenure as the coach of the Chicago Bears?

Trestman: None that any coaching staff wishes to learn, mes petits chous! If we have learned anything from les quantum physiques, it is that you repeat your failures until they become successes. My keys to defeat could be John Fox’s soufflé of victory: hollow out the defense, play an excessively conservative offense, and randomly rearrange your players’ lockers for team-building purposes. The locker room reshuffling was my greatest achievement. And, non, do not succumb to the urge to make a “deck chairs on the Titanic” reference.

Sally: What accent is that? Pepe LePew? Concord Peabody. Put things in a statistical context.

Concord: The only “statistical context” I’m thinking about is how much gambling debt I’ll be in if Donald Trump wins the election. How could Clinton go from having a 90% chance of winning to 57%? Curse you, Nate Silver!

Ellie: Howdy, there, pig-nut lovers! I’m just letting the old pickup truck cool down, doing some heat transfer from the hood to the still that’s boiling up some good old fashioned mash potato-corn-Monsanto whiskey blindness fuel we’re gonna test out on the water supply of a Hillary Clinton political rally.

Sally: So… what are your thoughts about today’s Bears/Eagles game?

Ellie: When Trump is president, there will be no SAP button on the squawk box during the football game.

Modre: One must not forget that Tiamat gave birth to the eleven monsters of Babylonian legend: Venomous Snake, Great Dragon, Exalted Serpent, Furious Snake, the Hairy One, Big Weather Beast, Mad Lion, Scorpion Man, Violent Storms, Fish-Man, and Bull Man… or as I will someday refer to them: the greatest Japanese anime ever!

Sally: Let’s turn now to our own Scorpion-Bowl Man: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Whoa.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a Monday Night Football game that will determine whether the Eagles win the NFC East division with a 7-9 record or a 6-10 record.

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!