Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-24-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cowboys after a difficult loss to the surprisingly ascendant Philadelphia Eagles. Just like last year, and most likely the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… stretching back into countless infinity, the Bears enter Week 3 with their backup quarterback at the helm. Will the Bears defense take advantage of a rookie quarterback to give a badly depleted offense a short field? Or will tonight’s Bears game prove to be less compelling than a Bob Rohrman commercial during the Cubs game, which is also a Sunday Night game?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mr. Do!” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the terrifying night sweats of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! What be your fixation with 1980s arcade games, Des? Ye lack the hand-eye coordination to successfully navigate “Pong”, let alone more challenging consoles, like “Tempest” or “Bowling.” ‘Tis naught but an unsuccessful attempt to distract me from the plight of the Bears or Trump. Des, ye’ve repeatedly said to no one in particular, that, if only the Democrats or Republicans had picked someone besides Clinton or Trump, that person would be running away with the election by now. Well, I have news for ye, Des: each party could have randomly chosen anyone and the score would still be 46 to 44, in the same way that the Bears could throw anyone in at quarterback, and that poor, miserable, parrot-loving blowfish would find himself with a career ending injury in the opening drive.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Before I punt the ball over to Sally LeChesty to take over as master of ceremonies, let’s check in with the Prissy Minion.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. Your pre-game episodes are a tragicomic relic of the pre-Trump era. Oops, I may have spoken too soon about things that are in your future, but which, to me, are in the distant past. 30 years from now, you’re going to start too many sentences with, “You have to understand, things were very different in the 2010s…”

Des: Are you the 12^th Prissy Minion? My favorite 21^st century Prissy is David Tennant, but the best 20^th century Minion was Charles Nelson Reilly. Sally, it’s First and Ten for you.

Sally: Des, that’s the clumsiest football handoff since… every Bears game in recent memory. Let's go live now to the man who is most responsible for burning terrible play calling into our collective memory cells, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Bonsoir, mon amis. And I can say that legiti-ment, for this is a game that takes place under the shroud of darkness, la nuit dimanche, if you will. After much consultation with your site-meter, it has not escape mon gaze piteous that you now have 8 reads this past week that originate from France, as opposed to 16 from les Etats-Unis, and two from Russia, for les raisons inconnues. Apparently, the quickest way to grow an international audience is through les racisme stereotypique. Insert obvious Trump reference. Why, I wonder, does not the Modre work similar magic?

Sally: Thank you, Coach. Would you welcome a stereotype that both repudiates and validates Trump: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Clinton and Trump are inviting their opponent’s worst enemies to appear in the front row of Monday’s debate. That sounds like a typical McGillicutty divorce proceeding. Or wedding.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys in a game that will not draw viewers from the Cubs seventh inning stretch performance, featuring the Wrigley Field Grounds Crew, and/or Jim Belushi’s 90^th appearance.