Bears vs. Packers: 12-29-2013

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-29-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a match they must win to propel themselves into the playoffs. Will the Bears pull off a shocking upset be having Devin Hester make 10 returns for touchdowns, offensive flim-flammery in which no one knows who the quarterback is, not even the offense, Robbie Gould scoring 20 field goals, and a defense that holds Aaron Rogers to 70 points? Or will the Bears suffer a crushing defeat, triggering wholesale changes that replace everybody but Robbie Gould?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Monkey” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and charter member of Alcoholics Hilarious, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Me New Years’ resolution is not to change in any way, but to further accentuate my worst traits, the most annoying of which is to rely on increasingly obscure deities to predict the outcome of football games. Oh, Sekmet, ye lion-headed Egyptian goddess of destruction, what be your revelation for today’s Bears game? What’s that? Apparently, Sekmet is easily appeased by a 6 pack of beer colored to look like blood, so... no help there. Uh, Bears win 45-31.

Des: Modre?

Modre: While I am typically angered by the traditional western ritual of making false promises of self-improvement at the beginning of the year, I am intrigued by Captain Redbeard’s horrible corruption of this annual rite and wish to emulate it by doubling down on my worst trait of misapplying proverbs to analyze the Bears: For example, a wise man once said, “A poor workman always blames his tools.” Or, if you’re a Bears quarterback, his offensive line.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears have everything against them today: The defense can’t stop the run, Aaron Rogers is back as quarterback of the Packers, Chicago still lacks a consistent quarterback and offensive line, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a “must win” game this decade. That said, the Bears will still win 130-70.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Right now I’m stuck in “DUI Roadblock Land.” Time to abandon another rental car!

Des: Doctor McChesty. What do have for us?

Sally: What don’t I have? Oh, right. Any respect for this sport whatsoever.

Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thoughts?

Prissy: Des, your blog posts are a lesson in pedagogy: With endless practice and error, one can achieve majesty.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine my level of interest in next week’s playoff games.

Readability Grade level: 8.3

Bears vs. Eagles: 12-22-2013

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 12-22-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a match that is no longer a “must-win” game, thanks to every NFC North team losing in today’s earlier action. Will the Bears take advantage of this release in pressure to tighten things up on offense and special teams, while trying desperately to construct something that resembles a defense? Or will the Bears relax too much, losing the last two games of the season, clearing a path for the Green Bay Packers to magically win another Superbowl?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Black Manta” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and avatar of Christmas Capitalism, Santa Claus.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! The Bears stand poised to clinch the NFC North with naught but an 8-6 record. What could they do to mess things up, a la Charlie Brown, in every Peanuts special and comic? First, they could have a wonderful time with the little red-haired girl, dance with everyone and be the life of the party, then inexplicably have a complete blackout and totally forget having done anything. Second, just before winning the game, Jay Cutler could make a speech endorsing the Great Pumpkin, and everyone would laugh at him, causing him to leave the football field in shame. Third, Coach Trestman could have some kind of rash on his head in the pattern of a football, which would force him to wear a sack on his hand, causing him to be nicknamed “Coach Sack”, whom the Bears would unquestionably follow throughout the playoffs to victory. Then, just before the NFC championship game, thinking his rash had cleared up, he would remove the sack, revealing his transformation into Dave Wannstedt, causing the Bears to question themselves, but still maintaining a tight game until, finally and most predictably, Adam Podlesh pulls the football away from Robbie Gould when he tries to kick the game winning field goal.

Des: That summarizes the Charlie Brown oeuvre nicely, Redbeard. Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

Sally McChesty: Des, there’s been a lot of criticism about NFL trying too hard to protect their players with recent rule changes. The way I see it, there are three possible outcomes to this trend:

1. By 2017, all NFL players will wear giant foam suits and bounce off of each other, like that girl who inflated into a giant ball in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This will be successfully blamed on President Hillary Clinton.

2. All NFL players-- past, present, and future, living and dead-- will be plugged into some sort of “matrix” and every game will be virtual. Despite every player being converted into ones and zeroes, 45 minutes of every game will still be taken up by replay review.

Q. The NFL will be replaced by a revived XFL and will take place inside the “Octagon” and there won’t be any actual throwing of footballs or any other use of a football, just a lot of punching and kicking and chair throwing, but with all of the other pagan-try of football. And I deliberately misspelled “pageantry” as “pagan-try” because Des has inexplicably, and in mid-sentence, decided to rewrite my character as a Christian Fundamentalist. That should go well.

Des: Modre?

Modre: I completely disagree with Sally McChesty. When the current generation of NFL fans dies off, soccer will finally emerge as the one true football in America.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts

Concord: Des, the Bears have won every game when they spot their foes 21 points in the first quarter, their time of possession is only 2:00 per game, and they allow their opponents to score on every offensive drive. Don’t ask me how, they just do.

Des: Santa Claus. Give me some Christmas cheer, preferably something in a fortified egg nog.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! The NFC North is my gift to the rest of the NFL.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will easily outperform Fox’s Sunday Night animation lineup in the ratings, a feat only matched by every other Sunday night program.

Readability Grade level: 10.2

Bears vs. Browns: 12-15-2013

BEARS VS. BROWNS: 12-15-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a savage beating of the Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football! Will Jay Cutler have a triumphant return to quarterbacking the Bears, building on the offensive foundation constructed by Josh McCown in his absence? Or will Cutler find himself reunited next year with Lovie Smith in Houston?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-velvet” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Des, we had a pre-show meeting without you and ended up writing a future best-selling holiday fun gift book: How to Ruin Everything.

Des: Wait, Captain. Last week, you had a Christmas party without me, and now you lunkheads managed to write a book?

Redbeard: Well, Des, it be not a book in the traditional sense of the term. It’s more like a collection of random, angry insights by the six of us with a hook that is as unyielding as the one that serves as me right hand: “From baby showers to funerals and everything in-between, this delightful book will provide all ye need to ruin every meaningful occasion.”

Des: Okay, Captain, I’ll bite: What’s your entry?

Redbeard: The perfect gift for a baby shower is one that questions the paternity of the baby.

Des: Sally?

Sally McChesty: An NFL coaching diversity committee made solely of multi-billionaire white men over the age of 70.

Des: Modre?

Modre: A Christmas gift that insults all religions and atheism.

Des: Concord, I’m sure I can count on you to tell us how to ruin the Bears.

Concord: Allow massive injuries to devastate the defense line of the Bears and create a meaningless quarterback controversy.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I’m sure you have more experience ruining events than all of us put together.

Drunky: Give me a 12 pack of Meister Brau and a random political topic, preferably gun control, and I’ll ruin every event.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, I went in the opposite direction. The only way to save everything is to include Des. Or also to ruin everything, but in a very artistic manner that would be a template for others for generations.

Des:  I figured as much. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which a magic 8 ball will decide who will be the Bears quarterback.

Readability Grade level: 8.5

Bears vs. Cowboys: December 9, 2013

Bears vs. Cowboys: 12/9/2013

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears Football Pregame Show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys after a tough overtime loss against the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears recover with either Jay Cutler or Josh McCown at the helm? Or will the call go forth: Bring back Jason Campbell, who was only a couple questionable referee calls away from beating the Patriots yesterday?

To answer these and similar questions is... just Captain Redbeard?

Redbeard: ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH, mateys! That's right, Des, we had a secret Christmas party without you and I sent everyone home early without your permission. The only one who objected was the Prissy Minion until I made up some story about DesCon V happening at the Rosemont Horizon, or whatever it's called these days, assuming it even exists. Maybe it's at Old Chicago or Lakehurst Mall.

During the course of the Christmas party, we recorded a new instant Yuletide classic: The Captain's Christmas Cavalcade of Holiday Horror, which already has at least 2 hits on YouTube, which be better than Yoko Ono's classic "Listen, the Snow is Falling", and Paul McCartney's "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reggae", which makes me bigger than the Beatles, and, therefore makes me bigger than Jesus, which is no small accomplishment on this festive holiday season.

To answer the question that dare not be spoken by a land lubber: Yes, I have recorded two holiday hits, both of which are Christmas counting songs. First, you have my version of the unending nightmare that is The 12 Days of Christmas. Except I tidy up a lot: It consists entirely of: "Twelve Keel-hauling, eleven cats of nine tails, five drunken rages!!!!" And then it just stops. I follow this up with the more obscure counting song Children Go Where I Send Thee: I'm gonna send thee three by three, three for the ships we plundered and burned, ten for the ten commandments (all of which we violated)." Me math sequential reasoning be not what it should be, for which I blame entirely on Common Core, which I'm already calling "Obama-math." You're welcome, Fox News.

Des: Redbeard, do you have anything to say about tonight's game?

Redbeard: Arrrrrhhh, Des! What does it matter at this point? While the Bears could easily walk away with the NFC North title with an 8-8 record, they'll just be destroyed by the Seahawks, or by Peyton Manning again in the Superbowl.

Des: If only I had the Prissy Minion or Sally McChesty to finish this.

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-1-2013

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-1-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a horrible loss, a savage beat down, from the St. Louis Rams, of all teams! Will the Bears manage to put a defense on the field this week, or will, uh, well I uh, well I uh...

Sally: It’s your own fault this blog sucks, Charlie Brown, because you’re so wishy-washy!

Des: ...or will Cade McNown, I mean-- heh, heh-- Josh McCown, somehow find a way to score 87 points so the Bears can have a 7 point margin of victory?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morocco Mole” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Despite the Bears performance last week, which was as uneven as every board that comprises me ship’s hull, I predict the Bears will still go 8-8 this season, defeating the Vikings today and somehow beating the Packers on December 29^th, thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team-- oh, and then they’ll also run the table during the playoffs-- thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team to be beaten by Peyton Manning twice during the Superbowl.

Des: That’s a grim assessment, Captain Redbeard. Um... Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, I just, uh, I just learned what the, uh, shotgun formation is, so this changes my perspective on everything related to football.

Des: Okay, Concord, we’ll get back to you later. Maybe. Um, Drunk McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I just finished twenty different flavors of schnapps.

Des: Drunky, how do you... how do you get home after a football game?

Drunky: Well, Des, what I do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes later, I wake up in my apartment.

Des: All right, thank you, Drunky. Uh... and that’s all the time we have, boys and girls. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Des-boy’s Pig-Nut Moonshine. Des-boy?

Des-boy: Mmm hmmm. Des-boy’s Pig Nut Moonshine: The smooth-drinking, liver-burning flavor last a moment, but the crippling blindness lasts a lifetime!