BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-29-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the team that may surprisingly prove to be their greatest challenge so far: the resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears repeat last week’s winning formula of an unexpectedly strong offensive line, competent passing, and a turnover-factory defense? Or will the Lions’ winning streak continue to justify closing every public school in Detroit to finance their sports teams?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kid Charlemagne” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally “Muffin” McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! By using what today’s kids call “Molly”, which I presume can only be shorthand for injections of “molluscum contagiosum” or “water warts”, to shatter the confines of space-time and linear thought to pierce the astral plane, I successfully stole the Tablets of Destiny from ancient Babylonian deity Marduk to avenge the death of my favored sea goddess Tiamat. But of far greater importance is that they revealed to me the Chum Bucket of the NFL: i.e. the team that will fail to win a single game this season: At this moment, there be 5 teams that share the dishonor of being winless so far: the Steelers, Jaguars, Giants, Redskins, Vikings, and Buccaneers. Which one be the most doomed to ignominious failure? ‘Tis the Washington Redskins, yet another victim of the Curse of Redbeard—and, no, this does not refer to the disfiguring skin condition of the same name—nay, this be the black mark that I lay upon the team that offends me in some deep seeded and deep seated way. The Curse of Redbeard is so profoundly afflicting that it can ne’er be reversed, not e’en by yours truly. Ask the Chicago Cubs! They will, of course, deny it with all the strength their broken souls will allow, for to even speak of the Curse of Redbeard is to prolong it for uncounted millennia. Returning to the Redskins, ye might think that I cursed them because they are the most racist thing associated with the NFL besides Modre...
Modre: Gaijin!
SR: ...but ye’d be sadly mistaken! Nay, my unyielding anger towards the Redskins derives solely from the actions of the team’s owner Dan Snyder, who beat me to the punch of attaining eternal youth by purchasing the Dick Clark Television Production Company. Not only does he gain the secret of eternal youth, but he also gains control of time itself, for through his purchase of the DCTPC, he also owns Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve. By possessing this gem, he controls the Baby New Year, a prize that has eluded many other super-villians, including the legendary vulture Eon. Also, somewhat ironically, he made his billions by being the first to telemarket immigrants to the U.S.
Des: I shudder at the thought of those poor souls who are playing the “Captain Redbeard’s Unrelated References Drinking Game.” Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, I was shocked that I actually underestimated the Bears’ score last week when I predicted the Bears would beat the Steelers: 38-10. (They won 40-23). I won’t repeat that mistake this week: Bears win 460 to 273.
Des: Wait... Concord, did you come up with those scores by using the absolute values of the absolute zeroes from the Rankine and Kelvin scales, as converted to the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales, respectively?
CWP: Uh... yeah, Des. Well done.
Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty: Do you have yet another bring down preach-fest about the evils of the NFL and of sports media in general?
SMC: No, Des. To be fair, the NFL hasn’t built a new soccer stadium in the Amazon rain forest that will later be converted into a giant prison after the World Cup has been played or built another World Cup stadium in Qatar using Nepalese migrant slave labor. Yet.
Des: Now that we have once again abandoned the pretense of talking about the Bears at all, why don’t you finish things off, Prissy Minion?
PM: Des, your Bears posts have a captivating retro-future aesthetic that makes this website the most dazzling blog endeavor of 2013!
Des: Prissy, I don’t know how to respond to that, except to completely ignore it. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much less painful than watching another five teams get into the playoffs by beating the Cubs!
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Bears vs. Steelers: 9-22-13
BEARS VS. STEELERS: 9-22-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game televised against the meth-fueled majesty of Breaking Bad. Will Jay Cutler display the cold-blooded ruthlessness of Heisenberg? Or the perplexed haplessness of Hal?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tortuga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and famed sentinel of liberty, Captain America.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Russian government be accusin’ Greenpeace of piracy for tryin’ to board an offshore drilling platform owned by the state-owned natural gas company Gazprom. This only goes to show how watered down the concept of piracy has become when a boatload of hippies can be placed in the horrible company of dark legends such as Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and yours truly, Redbeard. Like everyone over the age of 40, I blame the decline of everything I value on the internet. The word “piracy” lost all meaning when music nerds who downloaded music without paying for it were called “pirates”. The lame-stream media utterly destroyed a brand we took centuries to build as a symbol of unrelenting evil with pointlessly horrific acts such as cutting off the lips of captives and serving them back to our prisoners as supper—which was a step up from what we fed the crew. By the way, Des, when I ordered me cabin boy to do internet research to craft this seemingly random tirade, do you know what appears at the top of the list when he performed a Google Search for “infamous people in history”? “Women in American History.” Think about it, won’t you?
Des: All valid complaints, Captain, but what does this have to do with the Bears?
SR: Nothing at all, ye wretched land-lubber! There be nothing really to mock about the Bears or Steelers right now. Chicago performed a solid, if unremarkable, game last week. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t done anything reprehensible in the past couple of days. I leave it to the rest of your pitiful panel to somehow make forced comparisons to Breaking Bad.
Des: Let’s see what they come up with. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Steelers use a 3-4 defense instead of a Cover 2 configuration, they have defensive linemen who weigh 320, 300, and 285 pounds, and Devin Hester has only run one yard on two punt returns this year. That said, the Bears will have a breakout game and emerge victorious 38-10.
Des: Modre! Bedazzle us with your brain-scalding insights.
Modre: La familia es todo.
Des: If that weren’t a Breaking Bad reference, you would be almost comforting. Doctor Sally McChesty. Allow me to provide you with a really awkward joke set-up: “So, Doctor McChesty, I understand that you have created a montage of Bears clips that tie into a popular TV show or movie as Fox has often done with 24 or Star Wars.”
SMC: That’s right, Des, I’ve taken crucial plays from Bears games and put them to quotes from Breaking Bad. Here’s Brian Urlacher tackling a running back: “Stay out of my territory.” Now here’s Brian Urlacher sacking a quarterback: “I’m the one who knocks.” Here’s the defensive line huddling up: “No more half measures.” Finally, here’s my favorite: another quarterback flattened by Urlacher with the tag line “Shut the f--- up and let me die in peace.”
Des: Somehow, I don’t think the NFL is going to be ready for a promo that ties into the horribly violent world of methamphetamine dealing. Plus, Brian Urlacher retired. Finally, for no logical reason at all, here’s Captain America:
CA: This isn’t the America I remember. This isn’t the America I remember at all.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause multitudes of football widows to run screaming into the arms of Devious Maids.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game televised against the meth-fueled majesty of Breaking Bad. Will Jay Cutler display the cold-blooded ruthlessness of Heisenberg? Or the perplexed haplessness of Hal?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tortuga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and famed sentinel of liberty, Captain America.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Russian government be accusin’ Greenpeace of piracy for tryin’ to board an offshore drilling platform owned by the state-owned natural gas company Gazprom. This only goes to show how watered down the concept of piracy has become when a boatload of hippies can be placed in the horrible company of dark legends such as Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and yours truly, Redbeard. Like everyone over the age of 40, I blame the decline of everything I value on the internet. The word “piracy” lost all meaning when music nerds who downloaded music without paying for it were called “pirates”. The lame-stream media utterly destroyed a brand we took centuries to build as a symbol of unrelenting evil with pointlessly horrific acts such as cutting off the lips of captives and serving them back to our prisoners as supper—which was a step up from what we fed the crew. By the way, Des, when I ordered me cabin boy to do internet research to craft this seemingly random tirade, do you know what appears at the top of the list when he performed a Google Search for “infamous people in history”? “Women in American History.” Think about it, won’t you?
Des: All valid complaints, Captain, but what does this have to do with the Bears?
SR: Nothing at all, ye wretched land-lubber! There be nothing really to mock about the Bears or Steelers right now. Chicago performed a solid, if unremarkable, game last week. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t done anything reprehensible in the past couple of days. I leave it to the rest of your pitiful panel to somehow make forced comparisons to Breaking Bad.
Des: Let’s see what they come up with. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Steelers use a 3-4 defense instead of a Cover 2 configuration, they have defensive linemen who weigh 320, 300, and 285 pounds, and Devin Hester has only run one yard on two punt returns this year. That said, the Bears will have a breakout game and emerge victorious 38-10.
Des: Modre! Bedazzle us with your brain-scalding insights.
Modre: La familia es todo.
Des: If that weren’t a Breaking Bad reference, you would be almost comforting. Doctor Sally McChesty. Allow me to provide you with a really awkward joke set-up: “So, Doctor McChesty, I understand that you have created a montage of Bears clips that tie into a popular TV show or movie as Fox has often done with 24 or Star Wars.”
SMC: That’s right, Des, I’ve taken crucial plays from Bears games and put them to quotes from Breaking Bad. Here’s Brian Urlacher tackling a running back: “Stay out of my territory.” Now here’s Brian Urlacher sacking a quarterback: “I’m the one who knocks.” Here’s the defensive line huddling up: “No more half measures.” Finally, here’s my favorite: another quarterback flattened by Urlacher with the tag line “Shut the f--- up and let me die in peace.”
Des: Somehow, I don’t think the NFL is going to be ready for a promo that ties into the horribly violent world of methamphetamine dealing. Plus, Brian Urlacher retired. Finally, for no logical reason at all, here’s Captain America:
CA: This isn’t the America I remember. This isn’t the America I remember at all.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause multitudes of football widows to run screaming into the arms of Devious Maids.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Bears vs. Vikings: 9-15-2013
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 9-15-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult struggle against the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of creating short fields for the offense, executing good clock management, and taking advantage of their opponent’s mindless penalties? Or will the Vikings manage to start more than one good player?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fearless Fosdick” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sadly, the upcoming Tom Hanks movie Captain Phillips will fail to reignite interest in piracy the way the endless Pirates of the Caribbean movies did. Although, to be fair, the latest installment of Pirates, featuring Johnny Depp as a Native American, failed in its mission as well. Why do I predict naught but abject failure for Tom Hanks and company? If the previews be any indication, there’s none of the lighter side to piracy that we’ve come to expect: Where be the drunken antics? Where be the plank-walkings and keel-haulings? Where be the butchered English, parrots, and hooks for hands? I did not hear a single “ARRRGH” in the entire commercial! Hell, the Captain Morgan ads present a more realistic portrayal of the aquatic thievery!
Speaking of bitter disappointments, here be me Treasure Map to the Superbowl: In the AFC, I predict the Dolphins, Bengals, Colts, and Chargers will hoist divisional banners, while the Broncos and Patriots will somehow trick their way into the wild card round. As for the NFC, I use precise solid-state astrolabe technology to forecast divisional championships for the Giants, Vikings, Panthers, and Seahawks while the Bears and Falcons will take cruel advantage of late season mutinies against their coaches by the Packers and Buccaneers to sneak past them and be anointed wild card teams. Prepare yourself for a shocker even greater than that experienced by yours truly when me boatload of stolen car batteries heading to Cuba crashed into an iceberg while we were sailing the wrong way: I predict that the Indianapolis Colts will defeat the Seattle Seahawks in this year’s Superbowl. All of Eddie Vedder’s caterwauling will not save the Seahawks!
Des: Captain, by betting against your Treasure Map, I outperformed all of the major stock market indexes. I mean, look at your record of poor predictions: Except for the Steelers, all of your AFC picks to win their divisions had losing records: the Jets, Titans, and Chargers. Granted, the Patriots and Ravens, your AFC Wild Card picks, did make the playoffs, the Falcons did win their division, and the Bears had a winning record, but picking the Eagles, who had a 4-12 record? And the Cardinals, with a 5-11 record? And how do you explain your ongoing compulsion to pick the Chargers to win their division?
SR: ARRRHHH, mateys! I take tremendous offense at your ill-informed land-lubber criticisms! Have ye ever had to guide a ship to avoid a treacherous storm using naught but your knowledge of ocean currents, wind direction and speed, the shape and color of clouds, the refraction gradient of sunlight against the sea, or the species and depth of fish and whales, plus the horrible algebra of calculating the ratios of varying levels of pain caused by differences in air pressure on your numerous shattered limbs? Well, I have, and the stakes are much higher than predicting mere football games! I have safely guided my crew home to port at least 3, maybe 4, times in the past year. Out of a couple hundred. Thank the ocean lord Poseidon for the Press Gang!
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Chris Ponder has something to prove after a tough loss to the Lions, Adrian Peterson has historically played well at Soldier Field, and rookie receiver Cordarrelle Patterson may have a breakout game this Sunday. That said, the Bears will still win 45 to 17.
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! Garnish our comedy soup with a pinch of sphinx-like wisdom.
Modre: The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave.
Des: Well, you know what they say: If something doesn’t make sense the first time, then constant repetition is the quickest path to understanding. With no transition whatsoever, let’s turn now to Doctor Sally McChesty, who will give us the lowdown on Jay Cutler’s wife’s traffic ticket.
SMC: Wait, really? That’s the story you want me to cover? What about the Oneida Nation’s plans to have a major protest in Lambeau Field against the Redskins for their racist name? What about the NFL’s squashing of the class action lawsuit by 4500 former players who suffered concussions? Then there’s...
Des: And that’s all the time we have, Woodward and Bring-down Steen... except for Prissy Minion checking in. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: You are the definition of comedy.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will require mental stamina and an appreciation of the nuances of football strategy. Or a suitcase of beer, a bean bag chair, a working knowledge of a barbecue grill, a garage heated by burning wood in a trash can, and a mighty bladder!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult struggle against the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of creating short fields for the offense, executing good clock management, and taking advantage of their opponent’s mindless penalties? Or will the Vikings manage to start more than one good player?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fearless Fosdick” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sadly, the upcoming Tom Hanks movie Captain Phillips will fail to reignite interest in piracy the way the endless Pirates of the Caribbean movies did. Although, to be fair, the latest installment of Pirates, featuring Johnny Depp as a Native American, failed in its mission as well. Why do I predict naught but abject failure for Tom Hanks and company? If the previews be any indication, there’s none of the lighter side to piracy that we’ve come to expect: Where be the drunken antics? Where be the plank-walkings and keel-haulings? Where be the butchered English, parrots, and hooks for hands? I did not hear a single “ARRRGH” in the entire commercial! Hell, the Captain Morgan ads present a more realistic portrayal of the aquatic thievery!
Speaking of bitter disappointments, here be me Treasure Map to the Superbowl: In the AFC, I predict the Dolphins, Bengals, Colts, and Chargers will hoist divisional banners, while the Broncos and Patriots will somehow trick their way into the wild card round. As for the NFC, I use precise solid-state astrolabe technology to forecast divisional championships for the Giants, Vikings, Panthers, and Seahawks while the Bears and Falcons will take cruel advantage of late season mutinies against their coaches by the Packers and Buccaneers to sneak past them and be anointed wild card teams. Prepare yourself for a shocker even greater than that experienced by yours truly when me boatload of stolen car batteries heading to Cuba crashed into an iceberg while we were sailing the wrong way: I predict that the Indianapolis Colts will defeat the Seattle Seahawks in this year’s Superbowl. All of Eddie Vedder’s caterwauling will not save the Seahawks!
Des: Captain, by betting against your Treasure Map, I outperformed all of the major stock market indexes. I mean, look at your record of poor predictions: Except for the Steelers, all of your AFC picks to win their divisions had losing records: the Jets, Titans, and Chargers. Granted, the Patriots and Ravens, your AFC Wild Card picks, did make the playoffs, the Falcons did win their division, and the Bears had a winning record, but picking the Eagles, who had a 4-12 record? And the Cardinals, with a 5-11 record? And how do you explain your ongoing compulsion to pick the Chargers to win their division?
SR: ARRRHHH, mateys! I take tremendous offense at your ill-informed land-lubber criticisms! Have ye ever had to guide a ship to avoid a treacherous storm using naught but your knowledge of ocean currents, wind direction and speed, the shape and color of clouds, the refraction gradient of sunlight against the sea, or the species and depth of fish and whales, plus the horrible algebra of calculating the ratios of varying levels of pain caused by differences in air pressure on your numerous shattered limbs? Well, I have, and the stakes are much higher than predicting mere football games! I have safely guided my crew home to port at least 3, maybe 4, times in the past year. Out of a couple hundred. Thank the ocean lord Poseidon for the Press Gang!
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Chris Ponder has something to prove after a tough loss to the Lions, Adrian Peterson has historically played well at Soldier Field, and rookie receiver Cordarrelle Patterson may have a breakout game this Sunday. That said, the Bears will still win 45 to 17.
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! Garnish our comedy soup with a pinch of sphinx-like wisdom.
Modre: The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave. The Prophet Almustafa answers questions from the people of Orphalese before taking his leave.
Des: Well, you know what they say: If something doesn’t make sense the first time, then constant repetition is the quickest path to understanding. With no transition whatsoever, let’s turn now to Doctor Sally McChesty, who will give us the lowdown on Jay Cutler’s wife’s traffic ticket.
SMC: Wait, really? That’s the story you want me to cover? What about the Oneida Nation’s plans to have a major protest in Lambeau Field against the Redskins for their racist name? What about the NFL’s squashing of the class action lawsuit by 4500 former players who suffered concussions? Then there’s...
Des: And that’s all the time we have, Woodward and Bring-down Steen... except for Prissy Minion checking in. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: You are the definition of comedy.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will require mental stamina and an appreciation of the nuances of football strategy. Or a suitcase of beer, a bean bag chair, a working knowledge of a barbecue grill, a garage heated by burning wood in a trash can, and a mighty bladder!
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Bears vs. Bengals: 9-8-2013
BEARS VS. BENGALS: 9-8-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals in what is most assuredly not a preview of this year’s Superbowl. Will Marc Trestman somehow find the key to unlock Jay Cutler’s hidden Sid Luckman-esque talent? Or will the Bengals receive a spark of hope that will be extinguished by their remaining 15 games?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aquatic Ingénue” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again to predict how the Bears will perform this season. As regular viewers of this internet experience know, my predictions come to me through a combination of physical ailments, revelations from numerous deities both aquatic and land-lubber, plus PTSD caused by watching 105 seasons of the Chicago Cubs. This miasma of the transcendent and the wretched reveals the following: the Bears’ new coach Marc Trestman will unleash all kinds of weird stuff that will befuddle their foes that involve flash paper and staring off into the distance and screaming. Thus the Bears will begin their season winning the first five games. Then the opposing coaches will catch on to Trestman’s trickery and ‘twill all be over—the entire O-line will lie slain on the battlefield as will the Bears first five starting quarterbacks until the Bears pick up Tim Tebow, who will be know as “touchdown Jesus” in that he will be horribly crucified, first by opposing defenses, then by the sports media, both local and national. The international media will not care.
So, to summarize and expand: the Bears will go 9-7 this year, defeating the Bengals, Steelers, Saints, Redskins, Rams, Browns, Eagles, and the Lions twice. They’ll split the Vikings, and lose to the Giants, Ravens, Cowboys, and the Packers twice. Someday, the Bears will discover the formula to defeating the Packers, but not this year.
Des: Captain, I noticed that your predictions are more modest for the Bears this year. Last year, you thought they would go 14-2, but ended with a 10-6 record.
SR: Aye. I was strung out on “ocean meth” last year, an ill-conceived mixture of coffee, rum, some ground up diet pills I had left over from the 1970s, ocean water, and Windex for coloring. When you’re sailing across the eternal wet, ye have a lot of time on your hands.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Bengals have a 4-1 record against the Bears at Soldier Field, Gino Atkins and Carlos Dunlap are strong Bengals defenders, plus the Bengals have a more diversified offense and a more experienced offensive line and coaching staff. That said, the Bears will still win 34 to 6.
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Gaijin, I have just completed reading The Alphabet versus the Goddess which posits the theory that the written word causes people to become more left-brained, causing them to reject feminine values and become more misogynistic. You might think that reading this book would encourage me to reject reading and writing, but spending three hours deeply engrossed with this text has given me a toxic level of exposure to written language, leaving me 100 times more evil than before.
Des: Speaking of feminine values, here’s Sally McChesty presenting “Small Words”, a series of interviews with the children of NFL players.
SMC: Des, are you even aware that I possess doctorates in sports history, sports medicine, sports finance, and football strategy? I mean, what the hell? I’ve forgotten more about football than the rest of your sports panel will ever know! You want to know what the kids of NFL players have to say? During football season, most of them only see their fathers on NFL posters in their bedrooms!
Des: Yeah, book learning is not really a plus when it comes to sports casting. That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about our horrible treatment of veterans... mostly because that won’t be mentioned when the NFL honors our soldiers.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals in what is most assuredly not a preview of this year’s Superbowl. Will Marc Trestman somehow find the key to unlock Jay Cutler’s hidden Sid Luckman-esque talent? Or will the Bengals receive a spark of hope that will be extinguished by their remaining 15 games?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aquatic Ingénue” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again to predict how the Bears will perform this season. As regular viewers of this internet experience know, my predictions come to me through a combination of physical ailments, revelations from numerous deities both aquatic and land-lubber, plus PTSD caused by watching 105 seasons of the Chicago Cubs. This miasma of the transcendent and the wretched reveals the following: the Bears’ new coach Marc Trestman will unleash all kinds of weird stuff that will befuddle their foes that involve flash paper and staring off into the distance and screaming. Thus the Bears will begin their season winning the first five games. Then the opposing coaches will catch on to Trestman’s trickery and ‘twill all be over—the entire O-line will lie slain on the battlefield as will the Bears first five starting quarterbacks until the Bears pick up Tim Tebow, who will be know as “touchdown Jesus” in that he will be horribly crucified, first by opposing defenses, then by the sports media, both local and national. The international media will not care.
So, to summarize and expand: the Bears will go 9-7 this year, defeating the Bengals, Steelers, Saints, Redskins, Rams, Browns, Eagles, and the Lions twice. They’ll split the Vikings, and lose to the Giants, Ravens, Cowboys, and the Packers twice. Someday, the Bears will discover the formula to defeating the Packers, but not this year.
Des: Captain, I noticed that your predictions are more modest for the Bears this year. Last year, you thought they would go 14-2, but ended with a 10-6 record.
SR: Aye. I was strung out on “ocean meth” last year, an ill-conceived mixture of coffee, rum, some ground up diet pills I had left over from the 1970s, ocean water, and Windex for coloring. When you’re sailing across the eternal wet, ye have a lot of time on your hands.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Bengals have a 4-1 record against the Bears at Soldier Field, Gino Atkins and Carlos Dunlap are strong Bengals defenders, plus the Bengals have a more diversified offense and a more experienced offensive line and coaching staff. That said, the Bears will still win 34 to 6.
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Gaijin, I have just completed reading The Alphabet versus the Goddess which posits the theory that the written word causes people to become more left-brained, causing them to reject feminine values and become more misogynistic. You might think that reading this book would encourage me to reject reading and writing, but spending three hours deeply engrossed with this text has given me a toxic level of exposure to written language, leaving me 100 times more evil than before.
Des: Speaking of feminine values, here’s Sally McChesty presenting “Small Words”, a series of interviews with the children of NFL players.
SMC: Des, are you even aware that I possess doctorates in sports history, sports medicine, sports finance, and football strategy? I mean, what the hell? I’ve forgotten more about football than the rest of your sports panel will ever know! You want to know what the kids of NFL players have to say? During football season, most of them only see their fathers on NFL posters in their bedrooms!
Des: Yeah, book learning is not really a plus when it comes to sports casting. That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about our horrible treatment of veterans... mostly because that won’t be mentioned when the NFL honors our soldiers.
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