BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-25-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against a resurgent Minnesota Vikings after a beat down from the San Francisco 49ers. Will the return of Jay Cutler restore some life to the Bears offense, or will one name resound throughout Chicagoland as the Bears’ only hope? Neckbeard… Neckbeard… NECKBEARD!!! To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Muscle Hamster” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 12 Steps to Comedy himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye might assume that I’d be cheering on the Vikings, since they indulge in boat-based plundering, but their purple uniforms inspire nothing but disgust, much like the old turquoise Tampa Bay Buccaneers outfits! Now there be a sartorial choice that inspired naught but losing records for a generation!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears offense is 31st in the league in passing yards and 30th in overall yardage, and Adrian Peterson is unstoppable. That said, the Bears will still win 63-4.
Des: So the Vikings will get two safeties? I wouldn’t bet that in Vegas. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I managed to get Mall of America Field confused with the Mall of America, so I’ve been drunkenly shambling from department store to department store watching the game until the security guards chase me out. Go Bears!
Des: Also, the Bears don’t play in Minnesota until December 9th.
DMD: Oops.
Des: Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: I don’t know what Captain Redbeard’s problem is with the Vikings’ uniforms. Did you know that the Phoenicians built their entire civilization on purple? They were famed in Classical Greece and Rome as 'traders in purple', referring to their monopoly on the precious purple dye of the Murex snail, used, among other things, for royal clothing, and for their spread of the alphabet (or abjad), from which all major modern phonetic alphabets are derived.
SR: Arrh, matey! That be some good cuttin’ and pasting from Wikipedia!
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. What disturbing praise do you have to lavish upon me this holiday season?
PM: Des, your body of work is simultaneously calculating and inspired. Your potent charisma issues a desperate cry for help to the entire 21st century while also transcending the constraints of cultural space and time.
Des: Uh, okay… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will continue the storied rivalry between the Windy City and the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. Personally, I was disappointed that Schaumburg surrendered the oversized mall race to the Mall of America. I wanted a monstrously huge mall that could be seen from space!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Bears vs. 49ers: 11-19-2012
BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-19-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.
Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.
Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?
PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.
Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.
Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?
PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Bears vs. Texans: 11-11-12
BEARS VS. TEXANS: 11-11-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?
Des: 2012.
DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.
Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?
DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.
Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?
SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?
PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.
Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.
Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?
Des: 2012.
DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.
Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?
DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.
Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?
SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?
PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.
Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.
Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Bears vs. Titans: 11-4-2012
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-4-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)