Bears vs. Cardinals: September 23, 2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a hard fought win against the Seahawks, a hollow, depleted husk of its once-mighty self. Will the Bears take advantage of a yet another lackluster team? And will anyone watch the Bears when you could watch the Cubs play the White Sox for the last game featuring legendary Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Release” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the technicolor shamblings of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, it be time for me to reveal my predictions for today’s game. So, after consuming a cocktail called “Bilge Swill” and crashing through the hollow hull of my pirate ship, only to be rescued by the watery hand of the Lady of the Lake, who inscribed today’s predictions with the mystic sword Excalibur, first upon my termite-infested peg leg, then when she ran out of room, on my sea water rusted hook for a hand, and then finally upon my pleated brow, which I will read using a shattered mirror broken upon the skull of many a foe, but mostly Aquaman. I have done many a team up with Black Manta, who still has the scariest voice ever heard on a late 1970s cartoon. Anyone who has watched the “Challenge of the Superfriends” knows what I’m talking about. Oh, yes: what will be the outcome of today’s game? The Bears will defeat the Cardinals 28-6, with the defense scoring all four touchdowns. Also, yrujni gnidne nosaes a evah lliw yksiburt.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are you bringing to the table today?

Concord: Des, even though nobody heeded my multiple quarterback strategy last week, I’m back again to provide another ritualistic coaching strategy you should follow even when it makes absolutely no sense to do so. And here it is: Starting pitchers should pitch exactly 100 pitches per game. No more, no less. I don’t care if the pitcher is working on a no-hitter, if he’s down by 20 runs, if both shoulders are dislocated, or if his clothes have been knocked off by a line drive a la Charlie Brown. 100 pitches.

Des: Thank you, Concord. Drunky, even though I pride myself on not asking a question unless I’m prepared to hear the answer, what, uh, what is happening?

Drunky McDumbAss: I was enjoying myself tailgating at a bar called “Slumpy’s.” Except it turned out to be a mattress store called “Sleepy’s.”

Des: Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. You have the bubbly effervescence of an Alka Seltzer commercial sung by Sammy Davis, Jr.

Des: …which I have in my music collection somewhere, thanks to occasional friend of the blog Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears do battle in a game that will mathematically eliminate one or both teams in the third week of the season.

Bears vs. Seahawks: September 17, 2018

Des: So, last year, we didn’t perform a ton of Bears episodes, aside from our three token presentations: the Bears season prediction episode, the treasure map to the Super Bowl outing, and our Chum Bucket of the NFL selection. With all of the controversies about concussions and protesting police brutality during the National Anthem and the Bears continuing to be mediocre at best, football was not a fertile field for comedy for us last year.

Sally: Along with destroying everything else that’s good about America, and humanity in general, Trump destroyed comedy by making it impossible to exaggerate anything for comedic effect.

Des: Trump far exceeded my standard New Year’s resolution to single handedly bring down America’s Gross National Product. And I deliberately use “National” instead of “Domestic.” I’m no globalist!

Sally: However, given the comedy maxim “tragedy plus time equals comedy”… even while the tragedy is still ongoing… we thought it was time to try to pick up where we left off.

Des: Too soon?

Sally: Always.

Des: Excellent! So let’s give this a shot… of Jack Daniels… Honey Whiskey. Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a heartbreaking loss to the Green Bay Packers. Or it would be heartbreaking if I were not already numbed after numerous losses to our hated Lumbermen of the North. Will the Bears defeat one other team besides the New York Giants? Or will Chicago fans have naught to look forward to after the Cubs emerge triumphant against the Red Sox in this year’s World Series?

To answer these, and similar questions, is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody. Captain Silas Charles “Wandy” Redbeard. Modre, the trans-Western Guru. Drunky McDumb-Ass. Dr. Sally McChesty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Last year, I had forsaken all of my aquatic deities when I unrolled the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl after tracing it on butcher paper from an overhead projector I used during a Ted Talk on Piracy in the 21^st Century. I mostly just staggered around on stage mumbling random things about unfurling your inner Jolly Roger and don’t be afraid to falsely cry “Land Ho!” from your metaphorical crow’s nest after burning the ladder. After various homemade anti-psychotic medications deprived me of my prophetic visions, only two of my picks went on to the playoffs: the Patriots and the Falcons. This year, I have returned to the celestial well filled to bursting with the tears of Poseidon, Tethys, Neptune, Aquaman, and various Kraken to carve this year’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl on the walls of the National Archives. Or maybe it was a closed down Sears. Anyway:

Gazing upon the broken wreck that is the AFC, I foresee the Bills, Ravens, Titans, and Chargers dominating their divisions in the sense that they won by one or two games, with the Patriots and Steelers sneaking into the playoffs like a thief in the night as Wild Card Winners.

Meanwhile, in the NFC, I envision the Cowboys, Lions, Panthers, and Seahawks conquering their division by winning more games than the others, with the Eagles and Vikings conniving their way into the Wild Card Round with the style and finesse of a used car salesman.

And now for the outcome that is more predictable than every John Hughes movie: the Patriots will defeat the Panthers in a rematch of one of at least ten Super Bowls in the previous decade.

Des: Captain, you’ve picked the Patriots to win every Super Bowl in the 21^st Century.

Redbeard: Aye! And I’ve been right 90% of the time. Given how often and predictably the Patriots win the Super Bowl, I wonder why anyone bothers to watch. It can’t be the halftime show, and the last Super Bowl commercial to pierce my rum induced haze was Bud Bowl V, when a case of Falstaff beer annihilated a hapless team of Bud Bock scab players. At least that’s how I remember the 1990s.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Let’s check in with Concord Wainwright Peabody.

Concord: I have reimagined my character as providing weirdly inappropriately mechanistic coaching strategies.

Des: Why don’t you just say “obsessive compulsive” coaching strategies?

Concord: That is deeply offensive! This week’s strategy for the Bears is to overcome the single dimensionality of Bears quarterbacks by using three quarterbacks: One for the first three quarters, a relief quarterback for the fourth quarter, or sooner, once the opposing defense has completely figured out Trubisky, then they should use a third quarterback that specializes in high speed two minute offense. It works in baseball.

Sally: Thank you, Concord. End transmission.

Bears vs. Packers: September 9, 2018

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHH... mateys! This entry be naught but a placeholder or, mayhap, the fulfillment of Des's unquenchable need to scratch an itch that be enflamed, enflambe, as it were, by a mosquito of compulsive prediction generated a data set that exists from naught but visitations from various aquatic deities and imagined physical ailments. Des, be ye familiar with a recent radio ad in which the spokesperson informed us all that "Life is nothing but the accumulation of chronic conditions?"

Des: No, but I would immediately and eternally boycott the product in question, if I ever heard that ad on the radio. Or ever listened to the radio. Which I don't.

Redbeard: That be truly, richly ironic, Des, given that the existence of my pirate character, nay, this very blog, stems from your overnight radio show on WKDI in DeKalb, Illinois, from January to April of 1988.

Des: Yeah, the number of regular readers of this blog, which is 14, exceeded our entire radio audience. Although 12 of them are Russian bots. I think the data they mined from our website somehow enabled Putin to capture Wisconsin's Electoral College votes for Trump.

Redbeard: Aye, the anti-Clinton attack ads the Trump campaign derived from this blog were truly frightening. But I digress. Behold my prediction for the Bears this season: The Bears will defeat the Giants. That is all.