Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-16-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza begins episode 2 of its ongoing series of watching the Cubs post-season play while occasionally commenting on the Bears. We will be observing innings 5 and 6 of NLCS game 1 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Where are we watching this, everybody? The Ground Round? Wag’s? Do those places even exist anymore?

So…the Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jaguars after a forgettable loss against the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears be able to recapture a television audience once the Cubs complete their quest for a World Series championship? Or will there be yet another opening for yet another comic book based TV series on Netflix?

Sally: Enrique Hernandez lines out sharply to shortstop Addison Russell.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Ungalunga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and football’s answer to Charlie Brown, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Deep within this ancient mariner’s heart lies the hope that all the celebrities attending tonight’s Cubs game will sing a 10 minute long version of “We Are the World” during the 7^th inning stretch. ‘Twould truly be a most memorable sea chanty.

Sally: Joc Peterson bunt grounds out to third baseman Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Pinch-hitter Andre Ethier replaces Kenta Maeda.

Modre: When ancient curses die upon the lathe of the Coke bottle Malcolm X glasses of tomorrow’s retro style councils, who will remain to taste the remaining ash can Budweiser of a thousand Harry Caray statues clapping and singing a tune that can never die?

Sally: I don’t know. Drunky McDumbAss? Andre Ethier homers on a fly ball to left center field.

Drunky: Having been banned for life from all of Wrigleyville, I’m watching tonight’s deep within a Trump rally in New Hampshire.

Sally: Again with the Trump reference. Howie Kendrick grounds out to shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Russell, which ends the top of the fifth inning.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 85.5% chance of winning this election, up 4% from last week. There may still be 4 or 5 people left in America who Trump hasn’t personally insulted or sued yet. Go Trump!

Sally: The bottom of the fifth inning begins with a pitching change. Pedro Baez replaces Kenta Maeda, batting 9^th, replacing Andre Ethier

Prissy Minion: Kenda? As in Joe Kenda, of Homicide Hunter fame? His rich baritone reminds me of your singing voice, Des. Or Leonard Nimoy’s.

Sally: Kris Bryant walks.

Ellie Mae: I support Trump because he will pardon the cast of Duck Dynasty for crimes they are likely to commit in the future.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo strikes out swinging.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Forget what I said about Chicago celebrities performing We Are the World. For my Chum Bucket list, I would like to see Chicago’s Finest sing a medley of all the classic sea-chanties: Donovan’s Atlantis, Grand Funk Railroad’s I’m Your Captain, Adam Ant’s Jolly Roger…

Sally: Wait. Wouldn’t a Chum Bucket List be a list of things you would want to avoid in life at all costs? We should perhaps explore this concept in our New Year’s Eve episode. Ben Zobrist pops out to third baseman Justin Turner.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! The Toronto Blue Jays will be Canada’s revenge against American baseball. Also, we have already sealed our border to prevent the escape of Trump-related refugees. I leave it to you, the audience, to determine what I am darkly referring to.

Sally: Addison Russell strikes out, which retires the side.

Sally: And we begin the sixth inning.

Ellie Mae: Hillary Clinton had John Lennon killed so she could have Yoko all to herself.

Sally: That was delightfully random. Justin Turner flies out to right fielder Jason Heyward.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! I have expanded my list of demands to the 7^th inning stretch singers to include the Gilligan’s Island and Love Boat themes.

Sally: Yasiel Puig grounds out to first baseman Anthony Rizzo to pitcher John Lester. And that retires the side! Cubs still up 3-1.

Sally: And we are back at the bottom of the sixth. After hearing Just the Two of Us and If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out being used in commercials, are there any good songs that haven’t been strip mined by Madison Avenue?

Modre: It’s Halloween, by the Shaggs? Oh, wait. I think I heard that on an M & M’s commercial.

Sally: Jason Heyward flies out to left fielder Howie Kendrick.

Sally: Javier Baez doubles on a line drive to right fielder Yasiel Puig.

Drunky: Shouldn’t the horrible Buster Posey commercials end when his team is knocked out of the playoffs?

Sally: David Ross strikes out swinging. Pinch-hitter Jorge Soler replaces Jon Lester.

Prissy Minion: I thoroughly enjoy the complete lack of connection between the events of the Cubs game and the random comments of our sports panel. Truly, Des, this is the Scarborough Fair/Canticle of comedy, in that it’s an unintentional critique of the Vietnam War.

Sally: Soler grounds out, which ends the 6^th inning, and also concludes our appearance on the Bears pre-game show. End transmission.

Bears vs Colts: 10-9-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza is watching the Cubs play at the NLDS game 2 against the San Francisco baseball Giants. Where are we watching this, everybody? John’s Garage? The Snuggery? Do those places even exist anymore?

Anyway, we are coming to you live, beginning with the third inning after the Cubs jump ahead to a 4-0 lead, hopefully making it super-easy for Hendricks. As the Cubs chase World Series glory, the question remains: which repetitive tic should I focus on during Sunday night’s presidential debate to really drive up my drink count? My “producer” (who I guess is maybe the Prissy Minion?) tells me that this can’t be my opening question.

Well, okay, then. Here goes: The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts after defeating the Detroit Lions. Are the Indianapolis Colts a good team this year? I can’t use that as my opening question? I swear I’m not phoning this in! With Bears in the midst of what could laughably be called a “quarterback” controversy, two questions come to mind: Will the Bears repeat the keys to last week’s keys to success?

Sally: Joe Panik doubles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Des: Or will today’s game be a contest determined by the team who makes the fewest unforced errors, like tonight’s presidential debates? Yes! I am unafraid to unleash false equivalencies!

Sally: Gregor Blanco doubles on a line drive to center fielder Dexter Fowler.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Injured Relief” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the football equivalent of every Cubs curse put together, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, ye lack the discipline and the sense of timing necessary to successfully live blog a baseball game. Insert obvious comparison to the Chicago Bears.

Sally: Denard Span grounds out, second baseman Javier Baez to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Gregor Blanco advances to third. Let’s turn now to the random poetry of Modre.

Modre: “Today’s fireplace torso logs burn not as brightly as the naked diodes of the light emitting truths of yesterday’s at bat ramblings that retire the side splitting laughter from the personification of the joke that isn’t funny anymore.”

Sally: Brandon Belt out on a sacrifice fly to center fielder Dexter Fowler. Gregor Blanco scores. Drunky McDumbAss. Belch out some insights, won’t you?

Drunky: Friend of the Show Fray-D-Cat posted a Facebook photo of a Chicagoland White Castle sign that reads, “New Ghost Pepper Sliders: How brave is your crave?”  It’s an interesting marketing strategy to embrace your greatest weakness that your food causes pain!

Des: I dare you to eat this sandwich! What are you, chicken? It’s actually no recognizable meat whatsoever.

Sally: Buster Posey grounds out, which retires the side. Giants cut the lead in half, 4 to 2. Concord Peabody. Envelope us in a fog of numbers.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 81.3% chance of winning this election. Trump still has a 99.4% chance of winning Oklahoma, though. Go Trump!

Sally: Wow. A pitching change already. George Kontos. Prissy Minion. Provide some Des complimenture.

Prissy Minion: Des, your work contains a melancholic knowingness in that the things you mock are unbelievably sad.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, shortstop Brandon Crawford to first baseman Brandon Belt. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: After a long day of avoiding awareness of the outside world, nothing goes down better than a tall glass of Pepsi. Filled with Jack Daniels. Forget the Pepsi.

Sally: Jason Heyward lines out.

Redbeard: ARRRH, this game be brought to you by Ghost Bed, because the nightmares that afflict my dreams are not terrifying enough as it is!

Sally: Javier Baez strikes out swinging… a very quick 3^rd inning for the Cubs batters, but they retain the lead: 4-2. Coach Trestman, what are you doing here?

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Like Joe Buck, my unwelcome lack of expertise extends beyond football to encompass baseball. As well. What must les ours petites do to emerge victorious? Get a pitcher who possess le anti-charisma and waste a lot of time and money trying to coax him to fulfill what is presumably his full potential. It worked for Jay Cutlair and me.

Sally: Hunter Pence pops out to catcher Wilson Contreras in foul territory.

Sally: Brandon Crawford grounds out, third basement Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Des: I really don’t want to know what’s in Captain Redbeard’s third basement. Or Drunky McDumbAss’s. Or anyone’s from our football/baseball panel.

Concord: Forget a third basement. I would settle for a third room in my tiny, tiny apartment.

Sally: Angel Pagan singles on a line drive to pitcher Kyle Hendricks, who was hit by a 94 mile and hour pitch and will be replaced by Travis Wood. We step away for a commercial break.

Sally: We are back. Travis Wood on the mound, facing Gillaspie.

Sally: Travis Wood avenges the injuring of Hendricks by striking out Hendricks, retiring the Giants. Cubs still lead 4-2.

Sally: And we are back. We return to the bottom of the 4^th as the Cubs enjoy a 4-2 lead.

Ellie Mae: When I saw the Jack Daniels commercial where there are a bunch of people in chairs that represents the number of people born in Lynchburg, followed by a photo of only one person in a chair, I thought it was some sort of anti-NAFTA commercial by Donald Trump’s people. But then I thought: too subtle.

Sally: The good people at the MLB Network thought they were safe in running a taped bit while Cubs pitcher Travis Wood was up to bat, but then he hit a home run. Cubs lead 5-2.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! Me hearties…

Sally: Dexter Fowler flies out to right fielder Hunter Pence.

Ellie Mae: Pence? Yes, our next president after Trump is convicted of crimes to horrible to mention… less than 50 times per hour on our various news outlets.

Sally: Kris Bryant lines out to shortstop Brandon Crawford. Cubs expand their lead 5 to 2 at the conclusion of the 4^th inning.

Modre: Charles Schwab: Own your tomorrow. Tomorrow cannot be owned, it can, at best, be contained.

Sally: And we are back. Cubs lead 5-2, top of the 5^th inning of the second game of the NLDS series. Travis Wood strikes first, striking out Panik.

Trestman: Monsieur Desmond. Do you have me here to humiliate me solely for your own amusement?

Des: Oui.

Trestman: So I am your Chris Christie then. Je comprend, malheursement.

Sally: Pinch hitter Madison Bumgarner replaces George Kontos. And the inning ends in the time it takes for Des to type the previous sentence.

Drunky: I miss the giant taxi cabs that appear in the Bacardi commercial.

Sally: The bottom of the 5^th inning begins with another pitching change: Ty Blach replaces George Kontos.

Redbeard: ARRRRRHHHH! Who dares awaken me from my slumber? Oh, right. The multitude of my personal demons. When will I learn to project them onto the outside world?

Sally: Anthony Rizzon grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt.

Des: It’s been said that Donald Trump has been foisted on us by the Russians. Can we get our revenge by foisting a Yakov Smirnoff candidacy?

Sally: That would result in a nuclear holocaust. Zobrist strikes out.

Des: A nuclear holocaust of laughter.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt. We will be back after this word.

Des: And we are back with Cubs action. Did Tom Crusie’s line “Maybe I’ll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it” sound a little Manson-esque? Or Trump-esque?

Sally: That’s too subtle for Trump. It has a 5^th grade readability level. A Cubs pitching change starts off the 6^th inning. Carl Edwards Jr. replaces Travis Wood.

Drunky: Did someone say Smirnoff?

Sally: Go back to sleep, Drunky. Posey grounds out, shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Drunky: Has Trump set the bar so low that I can say whatever I want?

Sally: No. Pence grounds out, pitcher Carl Edwards Jr. to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Sally: Brandon Crawford singles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Redbeard:

Angel Pagan grounds into a force out, thus retiring the side. Cubs lead 5-2.

Modre:

Drunky: Another commercial featuring a human sized taxi cab. What is it with this nostalgia for a time in which travel was enjoyable instead of a baffling, painful ordeal?

Jason Heyward strikes out swinging. Time now for a pitching change commercial break.

Concord: The DQ five dollar meal commercial reminds me that, back in my day, I could get a Wendy’s value meal for $3.18. Of course, I was making $3.25 an hour working at Sears.

Sally: Baseball is inexorably becoming like football with its replay and its inexplicable lawyerly rulings. I say this in response to Javier Baez being called out on second during a replay. Did he break the plane of the second base?

Pinch hitter Miguel Montero replaces Carl Edwards Jr.

Drunky: Carl’s Jr.? Has their owner figured out how to replace all of his employees with cyborgs, like he keeps threatening to do?

Sally: Yeah, they are all T-1000 food distribution droids all networked through Skynet. Montero flies out, ending the 6^th inning with the Cubs still maintaining a 5-2 lead.

Sally: Top of the 7^th, with Mike Montgomery pitching for the Cubs.

Concord: I’ve worked for all the failed department store chains: Montgomery Wards, K-Mart, Zayre’s, Robert Hall Village. They better keep me away from JC Penny.

Sally: Can I career counsel you to work for Wal-Mart? Kelby Tomlinson strikes out swinging.

Sally: Panik grounds out, second baseman Jason Baez to first baseman Antony Rizzo.

Sally: Pinch-hitter Eduardo Nunez replaces Santiago Casillia.

Sally: Eduardo Nunez lines out sharply to left fielder Ben Zobrist, which brings up the 7^th inning stretch, which we will not be able to see. Sadly, we will not hear the pipes of Jim Belushi.

Sally: Bottom of the 7^th, ladies and germs. Derek Law now pitching for the Giants.

Concord: The number of starting quarterbacks for the Bears exceeds the number of people living in Detroit.

Sally: Shouldn’t you have saved that fact for the Bears/Lions game? Fowler strikes out on a foul tip.

Des: What the hell is that home run graphic for Kris Bryant? That looks like the graphic for some fireworks related tragedy.

Concord: I like the Cubs fan who fails to catch the foul ball and chucks his empty beer on the field in disgust. Kris Bryant will trip over it at the top of next inning and suffer a career ending injury, causing the Cubs to lose this series.

Sally: Kris Bryant reaches on a fielding error by second baseman Joe Panik, prompting a pitching change.

Sally: Lopez takes over on the mound.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo grounds out, advancing Kris Bryant to second.

Sally: Ben Zobrist pops out to catcher Buster Posey in foul territory, prompting another terrible GEICO commercial. Well, we will step away at this point so that Captain Redbeard can inhale a gigantic mélange of food and booze in the 8^th inning and inflict his opinions on social media in the 9^th, thus reaching a much, much larger audience than this pre-game episode.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-1-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a tough loss against Dallas in which the offense really turned on the heat… after it no longer mattered. With the Bears season once again over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will Kyle Hendricks’ pitching, and the hitting prowess of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo finally bring the Cubs World Series glory? Or will the inconsistent pitching of Hector Rondon and Pedro Strop give some idiot Cubs fan the opportunity to steal another title from Chicago?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gyruss” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the biggest curse to afflict Chicago sports, excepting 108 years of Cubs history, former coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! This be Week 4 of the NFL season, which can only mean that it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be four teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, the Cleveland Browns, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and, for the second consecutive year, the Chicago Football Bears. ‘Twill be the Cleveland Browns that will go winless this year, as the Cavaliers drained all the winning magic from this doomed metropolis for the next millennia.

Sally: At least you didn’t pick on the Bears this year, Captain. They exceeded your expectations by going 6-10, which is six more games than you expected.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, but they’ve already lost to three bad teams. Luckily, there be 7 more terrible teams to go.

Sally: Coach Trestman. Where do the Bears go from here?

Trestman: Bon matin, mes amis! I have completed mon petit dejeuner avec le fruit cup. Your Jean Fox must become more like the Reynard trickster fox of French legend, the peasant-hero character who outsmarts the aristocracy and the clergy, although, given that Renard symbolizes the triumph of cunning over brute strength, it is perhaps not the best metaphor to be applied to le football American, n’est-ce-pas?

Sally: Lunging from a mockery of pseudo-intellectuals to its polar opposite, would you welcome—Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Excuse me while I chomp on a concoction of chewin’ tobaccy, Big League Chew, and an assortment of Fiddle Faddle and mystery giblets. Know what would go good with this?

Sally: A third-grade education?

Ellie: An endless loop of the one time Donald Trump burned Hillary Clinton in the first debate when he nailed her on NAFTA, or NASCAR, or whatever.

Sally: Prissy Minion. Provide us with inexplicable Des Pride.

Prissy Minion: Des’s football musings place him among the great prophets throughout history in that they are deliberate misinterpreted to suit the needs of our political and religious leaders.

Des: That is indeed a high standard to live up to. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears battle the Lions for possession of the most disappointing legacy for their starting quarterback.