BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-27-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?
Des: Because all four teams suck?
SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.
Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.
Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-19-10
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-19-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Web-site is rebuilding
Arrh, mateys! Sorry about me absence of late! Me fleet of nautical vessels was tragically blown off course by the various hurricanes that have been plaguing the seven seas of late. The most tragic development this season was the destruction of me flagship vessel that contained me voluminous pirate vocabulary. Fortunately, the recent celebration of "Talk Like a Pirate Day", plus numerous casks of rum, has created a liquid foundation for me to rebuild. Meanwhile, the Bears are 2-0. Go Bears! May your foes crumble, like a, uh... I'll get back to ye! Me pirate vocab server be not working! ARRRRHHHH!!!!
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