Bears vs. Vikings: 11-1-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings as Chicago sports fans slowly trickle back to watching televised sports with fear and trepidation after the Cubs disappointing loss in the National League Championship Series. Will the Bears use a strong showing to draw viewers away from the juggernaut that is the Chicago Blackhawks? Or, given that the Blackhawks aren’t actually playing today, will Jay Cutler’s lack of first downs cause fans to drift away to watch professional bowling, or an informercial from the 1980s?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Estado Nova” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! I’ve been asked to make to references to Portuguese dictator Salazar in my opening remarks because, apparently, our site meter indicates that this blog is popular in Portugal, and what better way, I guess, to build an audience than to remind it of a dark chapter in its national history? I shudder to see what happens if this Internet journal ever becomes popular in Paraguay. But I digress; here goes, mateys: The Bears loss to Detroit reminds one of Operation Vijay, the 1961 battle in which India took the Portuguese colony of Goa—I’m only reminded of this after reading Salazar’s Wikipedia page—until today, I didn’t know that Portugal even had a colony in India that they kept until the early 1960s. My ignorance of this is a bit of surprise, given that, in my countless centuries of drunken maraudings, I thought I had “dropped anchor”, if ye will, at every colonial port in India. Speaking of Salazar, if ye be lookin’ for an excellent job of whitewashing, look nae further than whoever wrote Salazar’s biography. Here be my favorite quote: “In July 1940,Life magazine called Salazar ‘a benevolent ruler’, described him as ‘by far the world's best dictator, he [Salazar] is also the greatest Portuguese since Prince Henry the Navigator’, and added that ‘the dictator has built the nation’.” What do you think, Des, did I do a good job of maintaining our Portuguese audience?

Des: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Captain. Here’s something from friend-of-the-show Agent Screamin’, who shared on my Facebook page a Roz Chast cartoon entitled “Blog Breakdown” with a delightful pie chart indicating that 1/3 of blogs are stories about crap somebody cooked, knitted, or sewed, 1/3 are conspiracy theories, and the remaining 1/3^rd are self-promotion. We need to do a lot more about cooking, knitting, and sewing.

Captain: ARRRH, mateys! Ye can’t spell “conspiracy” without “piracy”. Think about that, won’t you?

Prissy: Des, all of my comments about your body of work refer to your output as a “tapestry” of something: a tapestry of thought-crimes, a tapestry of comedy scraps stitched together to hold in the heat of your blazing wisdom…

Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I would imagine that your gourmet skills would be limited to driving through White Castle at three in the morning in a feeble attempt to absorb the gallons of alcohol you drank during last night’s Halloween festivities. But, hey, at least you have an extra hour to sleep it off, thanks to Daylight Stealing Time.

Drunky: Yeah, you’d think so, Des, but I’ve been spending the last nine hours driving around various DUI/DWI checkpoints

Des: DUI and DWI checkpoints? How many states have you had to drive through?

Drunky: That’s between me and my court-ordered tracking bracelet. I’m driving a rental car. Well, it’s “rental” in the sense that it’s not mine.

Des: I assume that the cell phone you’re using to phone this in isn’t yours either, given that my caller ID lists you as “Bjorn Stangerland.”

Drunky: Yeah, both my car and my phone have a booze-breath lock on them, so I have to “borrow” other people’s.

Des: Modre, if anyone can stretch out an overused joke until it’s thinner than hillbilly stew…

Ellie Mae: I resent that remark!

Des: ...it would be you. Do what the demons inside your brain compel you to.

Modre: The quilt covered question mavens of quin-itious quintessence will quietly quake in a quinine stew of gurgling subterfuge-ling masonry, freely quest-dancing in a shadow-foxing under-landau cabriolet chasms under a man-mage whose magic gestures and smooth conversational tone fail to make manifest a destiny that should never be unbound, lest it rolls under a rug that not even the greatest, most gilded broom could sweep everlasting, ever-fasting from a meal that, once cooked, cannot be unmade like last night’s bed upon which…

Des: And that’s all the time you have, Modre. Since there was probably a Donald Trump reference buried in there somewhere, let’s go now to Concord Peabody, who has a terrible Jeb Bush joke that needs to get out while he’s still a presidential candidate.

Concord: Jeb Bush is the only person I’ve beaten in fantasy football.

Des: Sally, since we’ve given up talking about the Bears or even football a long time ago, just say whatever’s on your mind.

Sally: Des, have you seen those disturbing car commercials with the safety engineer imagining himself and his family as crash test dummies? Then there’s the even more disturbing sequel when he starts imagining his co-workers and their families in the crash test car… And then it turns out that the part about him being a safety inspector was also a fantasy.

Des: I think we finally have an awesome direction to take your character. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which both team may manage to play at least one quarter of compelling football.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-18-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the Race to Get to .500. Will the Bears take this opportunity to notch their third win against a very, very beatable team? Or will a Bears loss send the team scrambling to trade Matt Forte to build toward a future that may never come?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eurotrash” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As ye know all too well, I predict weather through me various physical ailments and predict sports by me communion with various obscure deities from ancient, now defunct, Parthenons. Sadly, recent events have forced me to combine the two, as I am now cursed by numerous gods. Famed volcano goddess Pele has singed me ginger beard, which means we’ll have snow flurries tonight and Jay Cutler will score two touchdowns and fumble the ball twice. Then the Norse god of thunder, Thor, will cause an uncomfortable electric tingling in me hook that serves as me right hand, which can only mean partly cloudy skies tomorrow with a high of 50 degrees and also a Bears special teams player, who has wallowed in obscurity until today, will return a punt for a touchdown. Finally, Xochiquetzal—the Aztec goddess of plants, I guess?—has given me a bout of toe fungus, so, I’m thinkin’ we’ll be seeing a bright harvest moon tonight with a low dippin’ down to 29 degrees and at least one interception returned for a touchdown.

Des: “Weather and sports-- together.” Finally, a marketable slogan for the good captain.

Sally: A huge improvement from his current slogan: “Weather, sports, and anger all wrapped in a tiny little package of hate.”

Des: Modre. Fog up the mind with a gentle mist of inscrutability.

Modre: “The ones who best predict the future are the ones who define the future.” I define “future” as “flabbitty tabb tabb rinkitty dink dink sham sham shammitty sham bop… that’s the way it should be… wahoooo… yeah!”

Des: Let’s turn now to our panelist who’s less insightful than a two year old’s crayon wall scrawlings: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Des, I’m going to horn in on your territory by making a terrible joke in response to something that was said 20 minutes ago. To wit: the only Keystone XL Pipeline I care about is my 1000 week Keystone Keg Club subscription where they send me a keg every Friday.

Des: Drunky, how much did you pay for that subscription?

Drunky: 1K

Des: Concord Peabody. Do you have anything for us?

Concord: I’ve heard that many states are considering having their own fantasy football leagues in a desperate effort to save their pension funds. To the listeners reading at home, I’d like to be your state’s Secretary of Fantasy Football so I can finally enjoy some of that sweet, sweet money.

Des: In a serious vein, I’d like to see a Draft Kings vs. Fan Duel Pro Bowl, featuring the biggest money makers of each league choosing the two teams. Prissy Minion. Take this to the outer limits of what the English language can communicate.

Prissy Minion: Des, what the world needs now may be beyond your ability. What the world wants now, you’ve got in spades.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What fricasseed wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, out of sheer boredom, I watched the Weather Channel’s “3 Scientists Walk Into a Bar”, which would be better titled “3 Drunks Talk About Science in a Bar.” “See, what people should do is, what they should do is, teach about volcanoes by driving a bloodhound in a back of a pickup truck next to my twelve gauge and blow up some ping pong balls in the middle of a football field while some guy with a thick Southern drawl randomly makes some science noises like ‘caldera’ and ‘vent pipe’ and ‘P-waves’ and ‘S-waves’ and na-haw-haw-hawwww.”

Des: Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna tear anyone away from Doctor Who. Speaking of fictional doctors: Doctor McChesty. You drew the short straw.

Sally: So I did. So I did. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game that represents a huge time commitment if you combine it with Sunday night’s Cubs game. Those of you reading at home may want to deeply assess whether your marriage can survive six hours of sports viewing.

Bears vs. Chiefs: 10-11-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs in Game 2 of the Race to Deprive Themselves of a Good Draft Pick. With the eternal uncertainty of the quarterback position befuddling both teammates and opponents alike, one question remains: Will the Bears find the magic touch needed to play more than one solid quarter of football? Or should Bears fans have a slate of binge TV programs at the ready once the Chiefs figure out the two or three plays the Bears offense can execute?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Love Volcano” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose every syllable is drenched in Jim Bean and uncontrollable shaking, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, given that your largest overseas audience is in Russia, no doubt due to a misdirected “Google” search of the word “bear”, ‘tis time to give our Eastern European audience what it most likely wants: Lavish, unthinking praise to Supreme Comrade Vladimir Ilyich Putin, exalted leader and unifier of the Trans-Slavic Nation, and role model to one Donald Sutherland Trump. What lessons can the Chicago Bears learn from the unbridled success story of the Great Father Bear of All the Russians, from White to Black to Bela? First, base your entire economy on a single volatile resource whose value fluctuates without warning, and in the long run, may turn out to be completely useless. Then, instead of building up a strong defense, squander your treasure on offensive gambits that only result in protracted failure in which you barely gain any meaningful yardage and display your glaring weaknesses for all the world to see. Finally…

Des: Captain, if I wanted an extended clumsy metaphor randomly connecting Putin to the Chicago Bears, I would have turned to Modre. Speaking of whom…

Modre: “This virus of today’s wishbone suspension of disbelief cannot be disinfected with the Purell of naked unreason masquerading as its polar oppositional trans-conventional feldspar self-loath making projected as the Techno-color yawn of hate speech that not even the biggest, most beautiful fence will keep us inside the box of pleasure fearing futile feudalism where even the forges of ye aster-lands canst not be spread by cough spread-lings of splatter modules of tomorrow’s nether world made manifest upon the flattest screen of the Stanley-est world.”

Des: The funniest part of this is that we went through two loops of “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” in the background while you were stringing those syllables together, Modre. Let’s turn now to one whose randomness is much, much shorter thanks to the merciful onset of alcohol poisoning: Drunky McDumbAss.

Drunky: Des, at the-- this time last season, I passed out in Charlotte, North Carolina while watching the Bears-Panthers game at some closed-down Wal-Mart—or maybe it was a Waffle House or an Elk’s Club, or all three in some drunken mélange of failed efforts at bar hopping that turned into a quest for begging for spare change. Uhh, anywho--- yeah--- I passed out in early September and then woke up three months later at a Greyhound station in Waukegan in the lap of some terrified hipster who was trying to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas on his I-phone, which leads me to think, Hey, I’m the Snoopy character in this blog.

Des: No, at best you’re maybe Pig-Pen, if he were in his late 40s with both feet in the grave. “Maybe he’s covered in alcohol that was spilled on Tom Waites. Or King Nebuchadnezzar.”

Drunky: Sort of makes you want to treat me with a little more respect.

Des: No.

Drunky: On the contrary, I didn’t know I looked that good.

Des: Uh, oh. Concord Peabody. Do you have anything for us?

Drunky: Do you think you have pantaphobia?

Concord: Has Matt Forte been traded to another team yet? Because that’s the only thing that might keep Draft Kings from repossessing my 1975 International Scout Bears-mobile and giving it to some Saber-metrics supercomputer.

Drunky: And let this be a sign unto you…

Des: Prissy Minion. Take this far away from where this conversation has gone.

Prissy Minion: Des, your high-octane comedy allows us to tenderly reflect on the past while we kiss it goodbye—or endlessly obsess over its stubborn refusal to surrender any lessons that have useful applications to the present.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, do you know that the road to the US presidency ironically trudges through the Confederacy? Or at least control of the Gerrymandered House of Representative? That’s what Bernie Sanders and anyone who wants to be Speaker of the House is gonna learn the hard way.

Des: Okay. Captain, for some reason, your one good hand is raised for me to call on you. What’s up with this sudden need to wait your turn?

Redbeard: I’m just waiting to see what Drunky McDumbAss manages to belch out before succumbing to the demon rum that afflicts us both. Oh, the sweet, sweet affliction.

Drunky: My own dog has gone commercial! All I want is what’s coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

Redbeard: And ye shall have it… of abuse! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, arrrrhhhhh!

Sally: Redbeard, what happened to your predictions? Were you forsaken by every deity conceived by the mind of man, from the ancient religions of Greece and Rome, to the most lackluster demonic entities from DC and Marvel Comics? I’m looking at you, Thanos and Darkseid… or worse yet, Shuma-Gorath.

Sally: So, yeah, this is apparently my character now. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game against another 1-3 team and, uh, you know what? Why doesn’t everybody just take a break from sports today and ready yourselves for Monday’s Cubs game?

Bears vs. Raiders: 10-4-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Raiders after a tough loss in which the offense failed to go beyond the 45 yard line for the entire game. With the Bears season being over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will the Cubs surpass the Pirates and play the wild card game at historic Wrigley Field? Or would the North Siders be better served if they played at Pittsburgh and avoided the various curses of Billy Goats, Harry Caray, and a new idiot fan who costs the Cubs the game somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gargle-licious” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose intoxicated shamblings were the inspiration for every zombie movie and TV show ever made, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Given that this be Week 4 of the NFL season, just as high tide must follow low tide (although this daily fact of nautical existence continues to surprise me as the sweet kiss of Jamaican rum enfoggens me vision more completely than the thickest cloud bank could e’er enshroud fabled 19^th century London when the fog be truly 90% soot and 10% cholera), now be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be three teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, and two within the once-mighty NFC North: the Detroit Lions, and, sadly, the Chicago Football Bears, if indeed “football” is the appropriate sport to affix upon this struggling franchise—although “struggling” implies that the team be fighting hard to prevent its dark fate—but I repeatedly digress to keep the pain at bay. As me numerous disparaging remarks imply, ‘tis me sad duty to inform you the listener/reader/impressed midshipman that, for the first time in the lost eternity in which I have delivered Bears pre-contest coverage, I foresee Chicago as the team to go winless. Any captain whose command of the obvious includes “We need to generate more than zero points to win games, there's no doubt" be one who has already lost command of his vessel.

Des: That is bad news, Captain. Although last year’s Chum Bucket, the Jacksonville Jaguars, were not the worst team in the NFL, they only won three games; nothing to be proud of. And your 2013 Chum Bucket, Washington, also was only the second-worst team, also with a 3-13 record.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. Me Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble is actually worse than an 0-16 record, for a 3-13 record deprives ye of a decent draft pick. Sorry, everybody.

Des: This is even more depressing than usual. Transitioning from one miserable alcoholic to another, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss, a.k.a. W.C. Fields without the comedy, which, I guess would make you Andy Capp. Here’s a fun fact: Andy Capp is shorthand for “handicap”, which makes his cheddar fries a horrible, horrible symbol of intolerance. Drunky, why don’t you enjoy those barely edible hate crimes at Fed Ex Field while watching the Washington Football Team Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken by Anyone Born After 1990?

Drunky: When you say “hate crime”, Des, do you mean a hate crime against my digestive system? Because I’ve already got that covered by decades of non-stop binge drinking.

Des: Drunky, doesn’t “binge drinking” imply that there are periods of time when you stop drinking?

Drunky: That’s very hurtful, Des. Not just to me, but to the entire Alcoholic-American community.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: While I’m not encouraged by the prospect of our starting quarterback being someone whose last name is “Fales”, I have to believe that the Oakland Raiders will go back to being the gift that keeps on giving to their opponents. Bears win 9-0 on the mighty leg of Robbie Gould as a rejuvenated Bears “D” will put the offense on the Raiders’ 20 yard line repeatedly—and the offense will lose 15 to 20 yards every time. The Bears’ key to victory will be a defense that gains more yards off of turnovers than all 20 quarterbacks the Bears audition this Sunday—the Bears quarterback carousel will feature everyone who sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley this year in hopes that some of the magic will rub off.

Des: This episode is surprisingly heavy on the football. Modre, would you delightfully distract us from our football doldrums with some Donald Trump?

Modre: “The bewilderbeest that fumbles through the darkest of the unseen light that bursts through the barrel of a water gun filled to bursting with the angry tears of tomorrow’s lumberjack maven—this, this be the one to lead ye to parts once unknown now uncomprehended. This, this be the one who wears the crown of would-be Putin-esque despotism most uneasily.” This, this be the one tagged by the future Facebook imperfect of history as “Joe Don Baker Trump.”

Des: That’s cleansing the palate with an SOS pad. Prissy Minion. Engage.

Prissy Minion: As the Founding Father of Casio Tone Nation, you, more than anyone, must appreciate the re-emergence and subsequent collapse of all that was once late 20^th century mainstays, especially the Bush and Clinton dynasties.

Des: Donald Trump may yet prove to be the 1980s most evil revenge.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, last week, you used me as a puppet to mock the NFC South, but, in reality, the NFC South has two undefeated teams while your North division has two teams that have yet to feel victory’s sweet embrace? Who’s laughing now?

Des: Not anyone who has watched the Carl’s Jr. Tex-Mex commercial.

Sally: While forced topic transitions are your bread and butter, your mission statement, your comedic raison d’etre, if you will, that Carl’s Jr. reference was a masterpiece in contortion comedy.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you clump and seal this episode?

Sally: As long as I’m not the one cleaning out this metaphorical catbox. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play against the only team they might have a chance of beating this season. That’s right, Captain, I’m mocking your beloved Raiders. Or better yet, the Cubs are on at 2:10. Go watch them.