Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks, last year’s NFC Champions, whose dreams of Super-bowl glory were crushed under the deflated balls of Tom Brady and one—ONE, I tells ya--- bad call by Coach Pete Carroll. Will the Bears’ newest, nameless backup quarterback take advantage of the opportunity presented by the crippling injury to Jay Cutler, like Tom Brady did when Drew Bledsoe was knocked out of the Patriots in 2001? Or will he end up like what’s-his-name, who replaced Bledsoe for the Cowboys in 2006?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rainbow Warrior” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and proud owner of an oxygen tent timeshare, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis ironic, Des, that ye would nickname me “Rainbow Warrior”, since I was the mission leader of “Operation Satanique”, the French intelligence operation that blew up the Rainbow Warrior. Speaking of satanic operations, let’s take a look at the New England Patriots, who remain undefeated both on and off the field. Be there any team capable of channeling the forces of darkness better than Bill Belichick, whether it take the form of scrambled headset frequencies, deflated footballs, or tricking the opposing team into playing “outside themselves”, “running uphill”, forgetting to turn on that extra gear, and not playing “in space”?  Did I use every football cliché uttered by Joe Buck?

Des: That’s not even scratching the surface, Redbeard.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. I know. I know.

Redbeard: So. To answer me earlier question: as one who dabbles into the dark arts for fun and profit, my advice to other NFL teams is: if you want to successfully tap into the profane arts arcane, don’t be obvious and outright wear the symbols of evil, like the Redskins or the Raiders. Wear something that superficially ties into the great traditions of America, like the Dallas Cowboys. They had a pretty good run. Once.

Des: What do you mean by “dark arts”, Captain? Calligraphy? Black and white photography?

Redbeard: Let me take a lock of your hair, Des, and I’ll make a nice action figure for you.

Des: Halloween comes early this year. Speaking of the great Halloween tradition of hiding behind a mask while building up a tolerance for New Year’s Eve, here’s Drunky McDumbAss. What football party are you ruining this Sunday afternoon?

Drunky: I prefer to be at an undisclosed location, Des. Today’s drinking game involves me having a sip of LA beer every time there’s a graphic showing the number of quarterbacks who have played for the Bears since 2010. Even I, who am on my third stem-cell experimental pig liver, can’t drink a real beer for every time that topic comes up. I think there are numerous small college towns in Illinois whose entire economy is based on supplying Chicago with backup quarterbacks.

Des: Unfortunately, those are on-line colleges. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Every time I watch the commercial for “Draft Kings”, it saddens my heart. I see burly meatheads enjoying the camaraderie of other men and the occasional, beautiful supportive woman, all united in the pursuit of virtual victory. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my one-bedroom studio apartment trying to unsuccessfully use my Draft Kings smart phone application, which is incompatible with my I-phone 4’s operating system, which was a discounted experimental version of IOS 5Q on the MCI network. Based on the data I was able to painfully extract from a grease-encrusted Wi-Fi router at Rudy Tuesday’s just seconds before it went out of business, I predict a Bears victory: 41-17.

Des: Concord, why aren’t you getting hammered alongside Drunky McDumbAss? Modre. I have no clumsy way to transition to your one sentence summary of Donald Trump, but give it to me anyway.

Modre: “The candle that burns brightest burns briefest.” Especially if that candle is snuffed out by Mark Cuban.

Des: Prissy Minion. Activate.

Prissy Minion: Apply directly to the forehead, Des. Your cascading voice grabs the ear of the listener with the tenacity of a pit bull. Or Mike Tyson. Too soon?

Des: If this were 2005.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, I couldn’t help but notice that the Bears only play one game in the former Confederacy. What’s the matter, isn’t the NFC South weak enough for you?

Des: We were tired of giving Ron Rivera his only win. Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you seal this episode in frozen carbonite?

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHH, mateys! Would it not be better for all concerned if ye just let me bookend this episode like the deus ex piratannica that I am?

Sally: I’m sure that’s just what the listener/reader wants to hear: More from a pale echo of Herman Melville and H.P. Lovecraft.

Redbeard: And I tried to pattern myself more after the B.J. Gigglesnort Hotel. Now if ye will excuse me, I will go up to me attic and pretend to be sailing a ship.

Bears vs Cardinals: 9-20-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a loss that enabled the Monsters of the Midway to experience less shame. We’re not quite up to “pride” yet. Will the Bears continue their glacial rebuilding with Robbie Gould’s mighty leg, a defense that can keep opponents under 20 points, and a coach who can keep Cutler down to one game-changing interception per outing? Or will today’s game provide late morning entertainment to the home team fans watching their local heroes battle it out while enjoying a senior citizens’ discount at the Golden Corral buffet?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Floronic Man” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and scorpion bowl casualty, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Before I unscroll me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, I have to ask: Why “the Floronic Man” Redbeard? Usually I ignore the obscure cultural references ye pointlessly tack onto me name, but this be a new low, even for you: Why would my nickname be the least popular supervillain of the least popular DC Comics—let’s call him a “character”, the word “super-hero” doesn’t really fit--Swamp Thing?

Des: That question answers itself, doesn’t it?

Redbeard: No.

Des: Okay, then.

Des: Redbeard, don’t you have some sort of map you were going to tell us about?

Redbeard: Yes, with the latitudes and the longitudes and the what have you. Also sexy drawings of mermaids with enlarged….ahhhhhh…, uh, I mean, ARRRRHHHH!!!

Here be Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl!!! In the AFC, I foresee the Bills, Bengals, Texans, and Chiefs celebrating divisional championships, whilst the Patriots and Broncos enter the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Lions, Eagles, Saints, and Cardinals will dominate their divisions. The Cowboys and Packers will be tainted with the dishonor of entering as wild cards. Tremble with fear as I reveal this startling denouement to the 2015 football season: The Bengals will defeat the Cardinals in the first Super Bowl between two teams who enter with a 7-9 record, whilst the Falcons, with a 13-3 record, won’t even make the playoffs.

Des: Captain, unlike every stock market advice show on CNBC, I have to point out your multitude of errors. Last year, the Cowboys were your only successful pick in the NFC and the Steelers were the only team keeping you from a shutout in the AFC. And your Super Bowl picks? The 49ers were 8-8 and Jim Harbaugh is coaching Michigan, while the Chiefs were only slightly more respectable with a 9-7 record.

Redbeard: Des, ye lugubrious lackey of a land-lubber! I defy ye to find a better sports prognosticator than the “Salty Sea-Dog of Sports.” And I mean I literally defy ye! As in, “If ye touch a key stroke to look this up on Google, I will cut off both your hands with me steely blade and use them on me scary sports Ouija board to pick next week’s winners!”

Des: “Lugubrious?” Are you sure you didn’t mean “glug, glug, glug-ree-us?” By which I mean “Time now for Drunky McDumbAss.” What’s happening out there in Tailgate Land? Or County Jail?

Drunky: Har-de-har-fuck you, Des! I’m doing neither. At this very moment, I’m about to shoot about a dozen or so commercials as the “before” guy for every drug addiction center in the country. USA! USA!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, Des, the order of operations that sorts out what teams win and what obsessive-compulsive mathematical card-counting jerk beats me every year in what some call a “Fantasy Football League”, but for me is nothing but an endless nightmare of heartbreak and bankruptcy, uh, would tend to tell you that the Bears should lose, but for me, who picks teams with my heart and therefore creates a pot of gold for gamblers with some sort of reality-based strategy, I say: Bears win: 45-7!

Des: Wow. That’s really bringing you down to Des-boy McGillicutty and Drunky McDumbAss level as the panelists with the most depressing existence. Modre. This year’s retooling of your character has you commenting on Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Give it to me, please.

Modre: “He who most loudly denies reality defines reality.” That is either Donald Trump’s campaign slogan or the worst Depeche Mode song ever.

Des: Prissy Minion. Go.

Prissy Minion: Des, your football blog is about more than x’s and o’s, which, when I say it, takes on a totally different meaning. But I digress. No, whenever I read your posts, I hear this wondrous tapestry of ones and zeros crackling over a 1970s phone modem at my public library that I accidently pick up when I’m trying to call my time travelling Uber Taxi only to find Drunky McDumbAss trying to make a few extra bucks in between drive-thru liquor stores.

Des: Prissy, when you make these extended valentines to me, do you just listen to NPR for 90 consecutive hours to extract its pure essence and then scrawl it on a post card?

Prissy Minion: (Taps his nose)

Des: That’s a nice scene from The Trojan Women on the front side of the post card.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, I’m tired of your mockery of the sons and daughters of the south. Haven’t you learned anything from famed cartoonist Garry Trudeau, who admonished Charlie Hebdo for “punching down”? Always punch up, Des!

Des: Like Doonesbury in the early 1970s, with Boopsie Boopstein and Rufus “Thor” Jackson?

Des: Speaking of stereotypical eye candy, here’s Sally McChesty. Would you finish this off for us?

Sally: With extreme pleasure, Desikowski. Are there two “r’s” in “harassment”?

Des: It depends on whether you pronounce it “ha-rass-ment” or “hair-rus-ment.”

Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The new coaching staff of the Bears face a true baptism of fire against their legendary arch-nemesis the Green Bay Packers. Will Chicago’s return to its defensive roots bear fruit? Or will “Coach Career Killer” Cutler rack up record-breaking passing statistics that somehow translate into an 0-16 season and a new position as third string quarterback of the Los Angeles Whatever?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Murder Minnow” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the vertiginous insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Much as the land-lubbing Babylonian deity Marduk slew aqua-lord Tiamat in a battle that symbolized Babylonian mastery over irrigation, so shall the Bears eventually dominate the NFC North in an imperceptibly slow building process that one day results in the Packers waking up to find themselves under the cleated foot of a Chicago defender… which will result in a 10 yard penalty for the Bears and an automatic first down for the Packers. But I digress.

The Bears will go 7-9 this year, defeating the Raiders, Buccaneers, Rams, 49ers, plus the Vikings twice, and also whatever the Washington team is shamed into calling themselves. Unfortunately, the Bears will struggle mightily against the Cardinals, Seahawks, Chiefs, Lions, Chargers, Broncos, and 49ers. The Bears will defeat the Packers today, but Green Bay will unleash a terrible vengeance on Thanksgiving!

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears badly fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw an 11-5 season, but the Bears walked away with a 5-11 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I hope to pull off a similar mirror effect with me predictions this year, but I couldn’t go all in like USA Today and predict a 3-13 season. No one should lose to the Vikings this year!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, I’ve constructed a scatter gram of Bears scores when they play their first Packers game under a new coach. It was a straightforward regular bar graph until Drunky McDumbass spilled a pitcher of Dos Equis beer on my laptop.

Drunky: I’m the world’s most interesting… whoa, I just knocked over my carefully constructed beer-a-mid that I built during my one semester of college in 1986…I’ll get back to you later, troops. End transmission.

Des: Modre. It’s your turn to… render the English language irrelevant.

Modre: While your next President Donald Cornelius Trump fancies himself a true original American, he is walking a path already trod by “he who wanders with random naked posturings like the legendary silver mandrake”

Des: Which means what, exactly?

Modre: Bears win 20-17 in a nail biter.

Des: The bottle is pointing at you, Prissy.

Prissy: Don’t toy with my emotions, Des. Your Bears blog posts possess a certain “Beauty Behind the Madness”, but unlike the deliberately misspelled “The Weeknd” album of the same title, your work is not a direct rip-off of Michael Jackson.

Des: Only if you don’t read them too closely, Prissy. Ellie Mae McGillicutty?

Ellie Mae: I just finished reading a fascinating alt history book about what would happen if the Civil War were fought with zombies. And I know what you’re thinking, Des, you horribly racist, Confedero-phobic jerk, “The South won because we’ve got no brains!” Actually, we lost because our high cholesterol made us irresistible. From the chitlins. And the corn bread. And the cornpone. And the craw-daddy crawfish taco MacNuggets. And also the slave revolts.

Des: “Confedero-phobe.” Nice one.

Des: Sally McChesty: Conclude this with a five sentence paragraph summarizing the three major points with a dramatic, memorable statement at the end.

Sally: What is this, Des, a sixth grade language arts class? Sure, why not, I’ll give you that which you should never request: In conclusion, Captain Redbeard’s Musical Bears Blog of Cut and Pastery delivers the following: First, Captain Redbeard references a dead religion to make a football prediction that’s doomed to failure. Second, Concord Peabody makes an obscure math reference that is not salvaged by the alcoholic stumblings of Drunky McDumbAss. Additionally, Modre tries to shock us with something all of us have pretty much resigned ourselves to. Thirdly, Prissy Minion tries too hard to praise Des by bashing pop culture. Finally, Ellie Mae dips into the greasy, familiar well of smug, northern, pseudo-cosmopolitan superiority. Overall, this is the worst application of what some, without any trace of self-irony, call “The Common Core of Comedy.” Did you like my excessive overuse of transition words? Because I died inside with each utterance!

Des: Mmm, pastries!

Sally: No! You will not save yourself with a Simpsons reference. Everyone who watches that show now is older than all the major characters, including Grandpa Simpson and especially Monty Burns!

Des: And like Saturday Night Live before me, this blog will abruptly stop with cued tepid applause in the background.