BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-28-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and the whiniest quarterback since… Jay Cutler. Will the Bears play four solid quarter of football, minus a scary last two minutes of regulation? Or will Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton experience a redemption not seen since… Jay Cutler? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Woodsy Owl” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last game, the Bears nearly collapsed from exhaustion in the last two minutes of the game. What must they do to revitalize themselves down the stretch? Forget your land-lubbing remedies of Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, or crystal meth. Forget even the powerful stimulant khat used by the modern-day Somali pirates. Floggings, floggings, floggings be the answer to heightened alertness. Whether it be a cat o’ nine tails, or a savage peg-leg beating, nothing revives the dragging soul like a whipping.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Well, Des, either I passed out and woke up at a Raiders game again, or Bears fans are celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year. I’m seeing a lot of either Paul Ryan or that one guy from Fox Sports… is it Joe Buck?
Des: Sally McChesty. How did your interview with Cam Newton go?
SMC: Predictably annoying, as always. Actually, Des, while he was blathering on about something inconsequential, I was turning my thoughts to the Bears problems with focus during the last two minutes of the game, and I came up with a new drink called “Hyper-Maniacal Focus Factor Mark XII.” I consumed it myself shortly before this interview, and I can actually hear my fingernails growing! Maybe I should dial down the amount of Dimethylbarbituanoloxymandilase in my next batch.
Des: I don’t know, Sally, it sounds like you might have just invented another printing press of money based on human misery. Speaking of which, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as a backdrop to a future flashback of 2012, featuring Hurricane Sandy, Obama and Romney, and the Mayan apocalypse.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Bears vs. Lions: 10-22-12
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-22-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-7-2012
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 10-7-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
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