BEARS VS. EAGLES: 9-28-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.
Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!
PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.
Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08
BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?
SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?
Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.
PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!
Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?
SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?
Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.
PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!
Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Bears vs. Panthers: 9-14-08
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 9-14-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?
Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!
Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?
PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”
Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?
Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!
Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?
PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”
Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Bears vs. Chargers: 9-7-08
BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a replay of tragic Super-bowl XLI. Will the Bears avenge their defeat with the three-headed monster of Orton, Grossman, and, uh, the third guy? Or will the Manning brothers inflict yet more punishment upon a hapless NFL?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Giggle-snort Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead scientist Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Mariners’ Curse has manifested its bloody scrawl upon me ship’s hull. Its red writing portends an 8-8 record for Chicago this season. The Bears will bloody its claws upon the Colts, Panthers, Lions, Falcons, the Lions again, Jaguars, Saints, and Texans. But they will fall to defeat against the Buccaneers, Eagles, Titans, Rams, the Vikings twice, and the Packers twice.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWS: Well, uh, the Bears have won the last three Monday night games. Unfortunately, this is a Sunday game. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: He who hesitates is lost. Especially if you’re a Bears quarterback. Also, clothes make the man. Unless this is a “throwback” game.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Just as e=mc squared is the formula for the atomic bomb, special teams are the formula for a Bears win, mein herr!
Des: Thanks, Colonel Klink. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: My only thought is of you on a Bears rug, Des.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget about Super Bowl 41… after you’ve had 26 beers.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a replay of tragic Super-bowl XLI. Will the Bears avenge their defeat with the three-headed monster of Orton, Grossman, and, uh, the third guy? Or will the Manning brothers inflict yet more punishment upon a hapless NFL?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Giggle-snort Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead scientist Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Mariners’ Curse has manifested its bloody scrawl upon me ship’s hull. Its red writing portends an 8-8 record for Chicago this season. The Bears will bloody its claws upon the Colts, Panthers, Lions, Falcons, the Lions again, Jaguars, Saints, and Texans. But they will fall to defeat against the Buccaneers, Eagles, Titans, Rams, the Vikings twice, and the Packers twice.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWS: Well, uh, the Bears have won the last three Monday night games. Unfortunately, this is a Sunday game. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: He who hesitates is lost. Especially if you’re a Bears quarterback. Also, clothes make the man. Unless this is a “throwback” game.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Just as e=mc squared is the formula for the atomic bomb, special teams are the formula for a Bears win, mein herr!
Des: Thanks, Colonel Klink. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: My only thought is of you on a Bears rug, Des.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget about Super Bowl 41… after you’ve had 26 beers.
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