Bears vs, Packers: 11-12-2017

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, in what is still somehow the greatest rivalry in football even though the Packers record against the Bears has been 38-18 from 1990 onward. Will the Bears take advantage of a team weakened by the loss of their blandly charismatic leader? Or will Chicago fans continue to invest their hopes and dreams in a dismal quarterback despite all evidence to the contrary?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Papa John” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and our washtub-strumming Sage of the South, Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, matyes! I have awakened from me Kraken-esque slumber to announce me “Chum Bucket of the NFL”, the one team that will fail to win a single game this season. Although both the Cleveland Browns and the San Francisco 49ers both deserve this “honor” with their 0-8 records, ‘twill be the 49ers that will ultimately fail to celebrate a single win this year, thanks to the “Kaepernick Curse” which has been placed upon them. These curses are well-nigh impossible to shatter. Just ask the Washington football team, although I think I painted far too broad a stroke with that particular curse, having afflicted the entire NFL East with mediocrity at best, with the exception of the Philadelphia Eagles, whom I foresee playing against the New England Patriots in a Super Bowl that no one will watch after everyone with the tiniest bit of political awareness decides to boycott the NFL, even though sports media will desperately try to drum up interest by casting the Eagles-Patriots matchup as a metaphor of the eventual 2020 contest between Donald Trump and Deval Patrick. I won’t say which team represents which candidate, but I think everybody knows.

Sally: That’s a grim, uh, vision, I guess, of the future of football.

Redbeard: Aye! But, wait! There be more forebodings of even more future evil: Having destroyed football, television, social media, Civil War re-enactments, pizza, and both Star Trek and War (somehow), it be only a matter of time before President-for-life Donald Trump destroys all remaining American institutions: rock music, Coca Cola, the American automotive industry, and apple pie.

Sally: Do you really think Donald Trump will be “President-for-life”?

Redbeard: Well, president for the rest of Drunky McDumbAss’s life.

Drunky: Hey, wait a minute…

Sally: What about NASCAR and country music? Aren’t those American institutions?

Redbeard: Sure, but not in a good way.

Sally: Your Chum Bucket pick came really close to coming to fruition last year with the Browns… they only won one game and were the worst team in the NFL.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, whom I totally will not ask to hold a Microsoft Tablet whilst I view a replay to decree whether Kaepernick’s knee hit the ground before he broke the plane of American awareness of difficult racial issues.

Sally: That’s good, because you’re one hammock misadventure away from being the aquatic Harvey Weinstein. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears play in a game in which your awareness of the outside world will slowly creep back into the periphery of your consciousness during every prolonged replay review. 

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-17-17

Sally: Beer, beer, beer. Bears, Bears, Bears. Blog, blog, blog.

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Buccaneers after a close loss to last year’s Super Bowl losers, the Atlanta Falcons. Because I’m already sick of both sports and politics, let’s skip the opening question and the standard introduction of our panel of experts and jump right to Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my misbegotten picks for this year’s Super Bowl: For the AFC: ‘twill be the Patriots, Ravens, Titans, and Raiders submerging their foes in a tsunami of methodical play calling and competent defense, with the Dolphins and Chiefs entering the fray as so-called wild cards that are, at best, a brief distraction on a cold January afternoon. Turning me piteous gaze to the NFC, I foresee the Giants, Lions, Buccaneers, and Cardinals overwhelming their rivals with a storm surge of well-executed special teams and favorable officiating, with the Cowboys and Falcons making an all-too-brief appearance as faded speed bumps in the wild card round. But picture and frame this, me hearties: this year’s Super Bowl match will once again feature the Patriots dispatching another hapless foe as predictably as… every superhero movie in the 21^st century. I’m sorry… I’m still enchanted by the digital wonderment of every Marvel or DC movie. How do they get those ones and zeros to equal cinematic magic? I’ve been told by those in the know that I will finally get my Aquaman versus Sub-Mariner movie by 2045. What a time to be alive! Oh, before I forget in a haze of rum and leprosy: The Patriots will defeat the Giants in Brady/Belichick’s final revenge against all of humanity in a game that will earn $500 billion dollars in advertising revenue despite having lower ratings than the new Star Trek series that, by this time, will be appearing solely on Sling TV. Also, the Patriots will deliberately lose the first seven games before going on to win all of the last nine games and every playoff game just to destroy what’s left of the NFL audience outside of New England.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Before I punt the ball over to Sally McChesty to take over as master of ceremonies, let’s check in with the Prissy Minion.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. May I say, Des, that it has been an honor to continue to appear on your Bears blog? While even the most dimwitted Tweeter with two thumbs and a grudge against everyone can garner 500 followers with “insights” of, at most, 80 characters per blast, you inexplicably indulge in ultra-long form imaginary dialog featuring interchangeable characters, making posts that haphazardly appear, discussing a sport that is now shunned by everyone to the left of George Bush Sr., with only every 23^rd joke hitting its mark (the Illuminati comedy ratio). It’s as if Tom Snyder were continuing to churn out episodes of the Tomorrow Show solely on Betamax video that you can only order by mail, with a self-addressed stamped envelope to Boston Mass 02134, and can only be paid for by coupons earned by selling subscriptions to Grit magazine that you can only order by cutting out forms on the inside of old Richie Rich/Casper team-up comics in the Dot Polka/Little Lotta back-up feature. And it has to feature Richie Rich and Cadbury in their super-hero identities as Rippy and Crashman because that would increase the obscurity factor to a level at which no comedy can escape! And I say these words as the deepest, most sincere compliment I can possibly give.

Des: Thank you, Prissy. This will be the last Bears post for this season…

Bears vs. Falcons: September 10, 2017

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, the losers of last year’s Super Bowl. Will the Bears defeat a team that is undoubtedly spiritually deflated after their historically stunning collapse in the Super Bowl? Or will Chicago fans once again find themselves convulsed in a quarterback controversy after all six of their multi-billion dollar quarterbacks have career ending concussions in the first five minutes of today’s game?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Javanka” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and our dark overlord and future President of the United States, Cthulu, the Unspeakable.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, ye were asking a lot for me to return to this blog after it went dark on October 15 as I single-handedly elected Trump President of the United States. Putin and Trump were mere intermediaries in the most unnecessarily convoluted money laundering scheme e’er devised by the hand of man. Supreme Investigator Robert Mueller would need an army of sorcerers to disentangle the tapestry of curses, parchments, and talismans I expertly wielded to launder this pirate’s treasure. Or I suppose Trump and his accursed clan could just reveal the entire scheme through a series of e-mails and “Tweets”.

But I digress. I expect the Bears to go 7-9 this year because the NFL inexplicably decided to give the Bears a much harder schedule this year, because, I guess, the Bears were one Jay Cutler away from excellence? Chicago’s footballers will defeat the Panthers, Saints, Eagles, 49ers, Bengals, Browns, and, surprisingly, the Falcons today. But they will fall to the Buccaneers, Steelers, Packers, Vikings, Ravens, and Lions.

Sally: Concord Peabody. Do you concur with Captain Redbeard’s grim predictions?

Concord: I predict the Bears will be undefeated this year. We have two above average quarterbacks, and all of the Bears opponents are grossly overrated, with quarterbacks whose average age is 57.  Go Bears!

Sally: Would you welcome Cthulu, the chthonic Elder God. Cthulu, how did you end up here exactly?

Des: Captain Redbeard wrote a really good letter of recommendation.

Sally: So… I guess I’m supposed to talk about your presidential campaign in 2020. “Cthulu: This time he’s the lesser evil.” What makes you the lesser evil?

Cthulu: I still support NAFTA.