Bears vs. Patriots: 10-26-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears travel to New England to face the Patriots, whose rapidly aging quarterback still does better than every Bears quarterback in history combined, excluding the bad ones—which excludes all but maybe two. Will the Bears put together an error-free game and take advantage of New England’s many flaws that have not yet been exploited by inferior foes? Or will the Bears whole continue to be less than the sum of its parts, especially when one of those parts is Jay Cutler?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wonderwall” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the 21^st Century version of W.C. Fields, but without the charm, clever wit, or a rudimentary education, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, do ye believe that ye can somehow draw Generation X’ers into this pre-game cavalcade with a reference to an Oasis album? If so, ye be a bigger fool than today’s young people who flock to ISIS because, apparently, we don’t have enough neo-Nazi or radical communist groups to absorb our disaffected youth. I live in fear of the inevitable Islamo-rock bands that have probably already emerged in cities and college towns across America because you don’t have a viable sub-culture unless you have a few rock bands dedicated to spreading whatever half-assed message you’re trying to get across. In my youth, I myself tried to spawn a pirate rock movement whose end results deserve to die on the slowly decaying 8 tracks stashed in my Hull of Shame which has somehow survived numerous torpedo-ings. Sadly, pirate rock was pretty much nothing more than increasingly angry renditions of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

So, to answer your original question, Des, the Bears should bench Jay Cutler. This wouldn’t be the first time the Bears spent $100 billion on a quarterback who was a bust, nor will it be the last, unfortunately.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Jay Cutler has survived seven consecutive games without a season-ending injury, but you wouldn’t know it from the Bears’ 3-4 record.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. How are things going in New England?

Drunky: Des, I drove through DWI roadblocks in six states in six minutes.

Des: Because New England states are so tiny. I get it, Drunky. You better be careful in Maine, though. I hear that’s disputed territory with the British.

Drunky: Not since the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842. But don’t worry, Des. If the Lobsterbacks invade Maine, 44.7% of my Scottish blood will resist it.

Des: Modre. Scramble my refrigerator word magnets.

Modre: Friedrich Nietzsche was once said, “The best author will be one who is ashamed to become a writer.” That should be true of every profession.

Des: Uh, sure. Why not? Prissy Minion. Go, solely because it’s your turn.

Prissy: Des, your posts are both jubilant and anarchic in that they make no sense and make me laugh in spite of themselves. But that’s still pure genius, and, for that, I thank you.

Sally: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on this pre-game experience, brought to by the Jean Shaheen for Senate Campaign, which hopes that her home field advantage works out better than the Bears this season.

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in Phase Two of their Southern Campaign that hasn’t exactly resembled Sherman’s March to the Sea. Will the Bears use a brutally ruthless offense to reduce Atlanta to cinders while constructing a defense acceptable enough to hold on to Gettysburg? Or will Marc Trestman play the role of George McClellan and use a conservative run offense that goes nowhere?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Unconditional Surrender” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the eternal drinking game, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, Des, your prejudice against all things aquatic is laid bare for all to see! Where be the critical role played by the Union and Confederate Navies in your extended-to-the-breaking-point metaphor? Whilst I could make me standard double entendre about the Anaconda Strategy, this time I prefer to express me hope that the Bears defense today resembles the ironclad USS Monitor upon which the Falcons bounce off like so many Confederate cannonballs and not the Ironsides wheelchairs I stole from Raymond Burr and Blair Underwood, the star of the 2013 remake that was cancelled after three episodes, both of which I will later use to laughably wheel myself down the deck of me ship after too many casks of white Jamaican rum.

Des: I liked it better when everyone just ignored my opening question. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: A mighty dragon cannot crush a native snake. I’m not sure whether the Bears are the dragons or the snakes, or if that even matters.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Doctor McChesty. Who will win today’s Bears game?

Sally: Well, Des, both teams can best be described as ones where the whole is less than the sum of its parts. So I guess it’s all about how you add up the numbers.

Des: Isn’t that your job?

Sally: It is this week, Des, until you come up with another way to define my character.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: I’m incoherent rambling into my smart phone from the back seat of Des-boy’s 1972 Ford Torino. We’re hiding behind some abandoned factory.

Des-boy: Shut up, McDumbAss! You want the revenuers to find us?

Des: Prissy Minion. End this on a positive note if you can, but, please… end this!

Prissy: Des, your posts are always soothing yet adventurous, and you never settle for passable while the transcendent is still within reach.

Des: Just like Leonard Cohen’s new album, Popular Problems, now available on I-tunes and wherever good music is sold. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that’s apparently important enough to be flexibly scheduled to 3:30 Central Time, which I just discovered right now, totally throwing off my plans for my entire Sunday, dad-blast it!

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-5-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after a really embarrassing loss against the arch nemesis Green Bay Packers. Which Bears team will show up at Bank of America Stadium? Will it be the team that dominated the 49ers and Jets with competent quarterbacking, adhesive receivers, and acceptable defense? Or will it be last week’s team of panicky passing, numerous turnovers, and AWOL defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Baby Doc” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and southern fried corn-poke Cornelius Van Robert E. Lee Des-boy.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! In the 12 years that we’ve been together in this pre-game cavalcade, we’ve never once answered - - or even acknowledged - - the opening question. This streak comes to an end. Your question requires a two part answer, Des. For the first quarter, you will see Team A… the one with the skillful, patient, accurate Jay Cutler; the focused, agile receivers; and defensive players who may occasionally execute a block or tackle. All of those players will be carted off the field due to injuries during the second quarter, and that’s when you’ll see Team B.

Des: Modre. The bottle is pointing at you.

Modre: “Font of Western wisdom whose name you are no doubt mispronouncing in your head as you read this” Emile Bronte once said, “The tyrant grinds down his slaves and they don't turn against him, they crush those beneath them.”

Des: Modre, what does that have to do with football?

Modre: Nothing at all. I just like to instigate class warfare.

Des: That comment suggests something new and different about your character, Modre. But I’m not sure that it makes you in any way more likable or relatable. Although neither are exactly common attributes of the participants of this blog. Doctor McChesty.  How will the Bears do today?

Sally: The Panthers’ run defense is every bit as bad as the Bears, and Cam Newton is a shadow of his former self, but any team coached by former Bear Ron Rivera should never be counted out.

Des: Doctor McChesty, how are you adjusting to your new role as the slightly less eccentric Concord Peabody?

Sally: Oh! Uh, Bears win 73-0.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. Paint a picture with a Technicolor yawn.

Drunky: (Oh, that’s good Thunderbird.) Well, uhhhhhh…. Des… I was just sharing my, uhhhh…. liquid wisdom, if you will, about a variety of, um topics and interests, all of which end with “Fire Mel Tucker.”

Des: A sentiment shared by many whose blood alcohol content is 1000 times less lethal than yours, Drunky. Would you welcome, rarely recurring character, Des-boy?

Des-boy: Des, for a man who consistently condemns the NFL for allowing the nation’s capitol’s football team to be named after a racial slur, you sure do like to populate your blog with nuthin’ but stereotypes. Now that you’ve filled me with incoherent rage, I’m gonna go enjoy some corn squeezins’ while flipping back and forth between the Charlotte Panthers and the NASCAR. We welcome the Chicago Bears as they descend south of the Mason-Dixon line for three straight weeks into a world they never made.

Des: Prissy Minion. End this. End it now.

Prissy: Des, your agile comedic ramblings, and seductive lyric scenarios, combined with your quantifiable “poetrics”, as I like to call them, can only lead to one conclusion for the viewer: this is a sleek comedic love fest that’s also a much needed repeated shot to the solar plexus of pop culture… or would be, if you had more than 10 readers, all of whom are from former, soon to be future, Soviet republics.

Des: Ouch! Uh… (boo, hoo, hoo). Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match previewed on web sites that are inexplicably covered with ads for Tea Party candidates, veal, and nuclear power.