BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-20-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a heartbreaking loss to the New England Patriots. Could this be a much-needed bounce-back against Captain Methuselah and his hellscape rent-a-stadium? Or will this be another step on the slippery slope slip sliding away from playoff action? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dark Angel" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to hang my head in shame as I review how me playoff picks in September are performing in December. In the AFC, I can look on with pride at my playoff picks the Jets and Ravens who are poised to enter the playoffs. Sadly, I can only turn my head in disgust at my other playoff selections, the Texans, Broncos, Bills, and Browns. I am especially disheartened at the Broncos. I thought this was Neckbeard’s year!
SR: I did a little better in the NFC. Four of my five selections appear to be post-season bound: the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and the Rams, who have a, uh, dominating (?) record of 6-8. Sadly, the 49ers and Lions continue to be major disappointments. Well, okay, a 4-10 record for the Lions is rebuilding. By 2016, the Lions should make it to the first round of the playoffs… where they will be as promptly skewered as the marlin I single-handedly wrestled onto me vessel!
Des: Nice one, Ernest Hemingway-breath. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Margaret Mead once said, “It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” That’s especially true of Bears quarterbacks!
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Minnesota?
CP: Des, if you divide Brett Favre’s age by the number of offensive text messages he sent and multiply it by the number of Bears failed third down attempts, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 105.9.
Des: Concord, does 105.9FM play all the classics, plus the best new rock?
CP: Des, WCKG stopped playing classic rock 14 years ago. Get with the times!
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "Those who live in the past are cowards and losers". By the way, come see me at Bert Wyman Ford for a reunion with my old buddies from the 1985 Superbowl Bears, and maybe you’ll see us do the Superbowl Shuffle!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a magic 8 ball… it’s comfortingly predictable.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you face your own mortality as you watch Brett Favre play quarterback.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Bears vs. Patriots: 12-12-10
BEARS VS. PATRIOTS: 12-12-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…
Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?
SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.
Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?
SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.
Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.
Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?
CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.
Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?
CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."
Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…
Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?
SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.
Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?
SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.
Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.
Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?
CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.
Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?
CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."
Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Bears vs. Lions: 12-5-10
BEARS VS. LIONS: 12-5-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.
Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.
SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!
Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.
Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?
CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."
Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.
Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."
Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.
Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.
SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!
Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.
Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?
CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."
Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.
Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."
Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-28-10
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-28-10
Des: So here I am at the Las Vegas airport on a layover on a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manchester, NH, drinking a $12 gin and tonic at the Fox Sports Bar after losing five dollars at the airport slots, awaiting the start of the Bears/Eagles game. (All true so far... now begins the descent/ascent into madness) Since the standard fare of Bradshaw, Johnson, et al, are not entertaining me, let's bring forth my regular imaginary crew of prognosticators to preview this Bears game.
SR: ARRRHHHH, mateys! All of professional football is darkened under the shadow of the NFL's looming lookout of 2011. The NFL Players' Association is claiming that an average of about $160 million in local spending and 3,000 jobs would be lost in each league city if the full 2011 season were wiped out. This presumes that there would not be some truly magnificient scabs waiting in the wings to take over if the first string players were forced out of the pictures. And by "scabs", I'm not talking about me horrible, horrible skin condition caused by a tropical insect that scientists have yet to name. If it be up to me, I would name it Anopheles Redbeadius.
Des: I would wish you well, Captain, but I would be lying. Drunky McDumb-ass. Since we seem to be inexplicably trapped in the same sports bar, what are your observations?
DMD: I'm very traumatized, Des. I ordered a light beer that I guess is very weak because the super-hot bartender made fun of my clothes, then punched me in the heart and took my money. How was I supposed to know that smooth-drinking Coors Lite was the only socially acceptable lite beer for men to drink?
Des: Thanks to Coors Brewery's sponsorship of this proud web-site, now everyone knows.
Modre: If by "everyone", Des, you mean the four or five friends you lost contact with years ago who might mistakenly "rediscover" this blog, then by all means, retreat into your comforting delusion.
Des: Concord Peabody, what data is going into your victory factory this week?
CWP: That's a Victory Factor, not factory, Des. If you combine the running yardage of Matt Forte, the quarterback proficiency of Jay Cutler, and the existential despair felt by the Eagles for playing in a city that is a hollow mockery of the once proud capital city of America, I give the Bears a Victory Factor of 97.9.
Des: Hey, is Johnny B. still the morning guy for 97.9?
CWP: Des, that reference will only appeal to a rapidly dying demographic.
Des: Ouch! Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your blog posts are like an old, familiar shoe... the stench may be overpowering, but it's too comfortable to part with.
Des: Well, I'll sit back and watch with my insanely overpriced drink as the Bears face off in a match that may help me forget the searing humiliation I faced going through airport security!
Des: So here I am at the Las Vegas airport on a layover on a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manchester, NH, drinking a $12 gin and tonic at the Fox Sports Bar after losing five dollars at the airport slots, awaiting the start of the Bears/Eagles game. (All true so far... now begins the descent/ascent into madness) Since the standard fare of Bradshaw, Johnson, et al, are not entertaining me, let's bring forth my regular imaginary crew of prognosticators to preview this Bears game.
SR: ARRRHHHH, mateys! All of professional football is darkened under the shadow of the NFL's looming lookout of 2011. The NFL Players' Association is claiming that an average of about $160 million in local spending and 3,000 jobs would be lost in each league city if the full 2011 season were wiped out. This presumes that there would not be some truly magnificient scabs waiting in the wings to take over if the first string players were forced out of the pictures. And by "scabs", I'm not talking about me horrible, horrible skin condition caused by a tropical insect that scientists have yet to name. If it be up to me, I would name it Anopheles Redbeadius.
Des: I would wish you well, Captain, but I would be lying. Drunky McDumb-ass. Since we seem to be inexplicably trapped in the same sports bar, what are your observations?
DMD: I'm very traumatized, Des. I ordered a light beer that I guess is very weak because the super-hot bartender made fun of my clothes, then punched me in the heart and took my money. How was I supposed to know that smooth-drinking Coors Lite was the only socially acceptable lite beer for men to drink?
Des: Thanks to Coors Brewery's sponsorship of this proud web-site, now everyone knows.
Modre: If by "everyone", Des, you mean the four or five friends you lost contact with years ago who might mistakenly "rediscover" this blog, then by all means, retreat into your comforting delusion.
Des: Concord Peabody, what data is going into your victory factory this week?
CWP: That's a Victory Factor, not factory, Des. If you combine the running yardage of Matt Forte, the quarterback proficiency of Jay Cutler, and the existential despair felt by the Eagles for playing in a city that is a hollow mockery of the once proud capital city of America, I give the Bears a Victory Factor of 97.9.
Des: Hey, is Johnny B. still the morning guy for 97.9?
CWP: Des, that reference will only appeal to a rapidly dying demographic.
Des: Ouch! Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your blog posts are like an old, familiar shoe... the stench may be overpowering, but it's too comfortable to part with.
Des: Well, I'll sit back and watch with my insanely overpriced drink as the Bears face off in a match that may help me forget the searing humiliation I faced going through airport security!
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