Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-24-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cowboys after a difficult loss to the surprisingly ascendant Philadelphia Eagles. Just like last year, and most likely the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… stretching back into countless infinity, the Bears enter Week 3 with their backup quarterback at the helm. Will the Bears defense take advantage of a rookie quarterback to give a badly depleted offense a short field? Or will tonight’s Bears game prove to be less compelling than a Bob Rohrman commercial during the Cubs game, which is also a Sunday Night game?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mr. Do!” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the terrifying night sweats of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! What be your fixation with 1980s arcade games, Des? Ye lack the hand-eye coordination to successfully navigate “Pong”, let alone more challenging consoles, like “Tempest” or “Bowling.” ‘Tis naught but an unsuccessful attempt to distract me from the plight of the Bears or Trump. Des, ye’ve repeatedly said to no one in particular, that, if only the Democrats or Republicans had picked someone besides Clinton or Trump, that person would be running away with the election by now. Well, I have news for ye, Des: each party could have randomly chosen anyone and the score would still be 46 to 44, in the same way that the Bears could throw anyone in at quarterback, and that poor, miserable, parrot-loving blowfish would find himself with a career ending injury in the opening drive.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Before I punt the ball over to Sally LeChesty to take over as master of ceremonies, let’s check in with the Prissy Minion.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. Your pre-game episodes are a tragicomic relic of the pre-Trump era. Oops, I may have spoken too soon about things that are in your future, but which, to me, are in the distant past. 30 years from now, you’re going to start too many sentences with, “You have to understand, things were very different in the 2010s…”

Des: Are you the 12^th Prissy Minion? My favorite 21^st century Prissy is David Tennant, but the best 20^th century Minion was Charles Nelson Reilly. Sally, it’s First and Ten for you.

Sally: Des, that’s the clumsiest football handoff since… every Bears game in recent memory. Let's go live now to the man who is most responsible for burning terrible play calling into our collective memory cells, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Bonsoir, mon amis. And I can say that legiti-ment, for this is a game that takes place under the shroud of darkness, la nuit dimanche, if you will. After much consultation with your site-meter, it has not escape mon gaze piteous that you now have 8 reads this past week that originate from France, as opposed to 16 from les Etats-Unis, and two from Russia, for les raisons inconnues. Apparently, the quickest way to grow an international audience is through les racisme stereotypique. Insert obvious Trump reference. Why, I wonder, does not the Modre work similar magic?

Sally: Thank you, Coach. Would you welcome a stereotype that both repudiates and validates Trump: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Clinton and Trump are inviting their opponent’s worst enemies to appear in the front row of Monday’s debate. That sounds like a typical McGillicutty divorce proceeding. Or wedding.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys in a game that will not draw viewers from the Cubs seventh inning stretch performance, featuring the Wrigley Field Grounds Crew, and/or Jim Belushi’s 90^th appearance.

Bears vs. Eagles: 9-19-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, another underperforming team with many, many problems. Will the Bears take this opportunity to slowly build their way to a 6-10 season? Or will Jay Cutler force the Bears to trade every draft pick until 2084 for the slim chance of getting Jimmy Garoppolo?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Robotron” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western Guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the extremely convenient scapegoat for everything bad that has happened to the Bears, past, present, and future, Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRH, mateys! If this be the second week of the Bears season, then it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super Bowl! After slaying famed Sumerian aqua deity Tiamat, and making her ribs the vault of heaven and earth, I stole the Tablet of Destinies, of which it is said that he who holds the tablet, rules the universe. Sure, I could use the tablet to wield the power of the gods, but I choose to merely use it to predict the winners of divisional titles in the NFL.

Sally: Captain, that’s no Tablet of Destinies. That’s not even some terrible Android tablet that they sold at a K-Mart that went out of business six months ago. (But some misguided hipsters keep showing up there, thinking it’s some sort of kitschy retro dance club.) That’s just some random wood block that has a sketch of what appears to be Winnie the Pooh.

Redbeard: It brings me comfort. But, uh… ARRRRHHHHHHHH! Here be the Treasure Map to the Super Bowl: In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Steelers, Colts, and Chiefs grinding their opponents to dust beneath their cleated foot, with the Jets and Bengals emerging as the wild cards. As for the NFC, it could only be the Eagles, Packers, Falcons, and Seahawks who will lay waste to their divisional rivals, while the Panthers and Cardinals will do their best to catch up with wild card placements. How will this all end, you ask? With Donald Trump helming the Super Bowl halftime show featuring the Green Bay Packers as they defeat the New England in a game watched by no one.

Sally: A dystopian vision of things to come, as always, Captain. I think this is the 90th year you have chosen the New England Patriots to go to the Super Bowl. Do you have some sort of man-crush on the Patriots?

Redbeard: How dare ye?!? Nay, I just have a special affinity for the pitiless managerial style of Bill Belichick. Ye know he has some terrible hatred against all mankind that will never be quenched no matter how many Super Bowl rings he may collect.

Sally: Last year’s predictions weren’t too bad, Captain. Six of your twelve picks did make it to the playoffs. You did best with the AFC: Four out of six saw post-season action, but I would be deeply worried if I were one of your NFC picks. Last year, three of your four choices to win divisional championships ended their seasons with a 7-9 record.

Redbeard: Ye should be worried if you’re any NFC team that’s not named “Packers” or “Panthers.”

Sally: Coach Trestman, what lessons can be drawn from your disastrous tenure as the coach of the Chicago Bears?

Trestman: None that any coaching staff wishes to learn, mes petits chous! If we have learned anything from les quantum physiques, it is that you repeat your failures until they become successes. My keys to defeat could be John Fox’s soufflé of victory: hollow out the defense, play an excessively conservative offense, and randomly rearrange your players’ lockers for team-building purposes. The locker room reshuffling was my greatest achievement. And, non, do not succumb to the urge to make a “deck chairs on the Titanic” reference.

Sally: What accent is that? Pepe LePew? Concord Peabody. Put things in a statistical context.

Concord: The only “statistical context” I’m thinking about is how much gambling debt I’ll be in if Donald Trump wins the election. How could Clinton go from having a 90% chance of winning to 57%? Curse you, Nate Silver!

Ellie: Howdy, there, pig-nut lovers! I’m just letting the old pickup truck cool down, doing some heat transfer from the hood to the still that’s boiling up some good old fashioned mash potato-corn-Monsanto whiskey blindness fuel we’re gonna test out on the water supply of a Hillary Clinton political rally.

Sally: So… what are your thoughts about today’s Bears/Eagles game?

Ellie: When Trump is president, there will be no SAP button on the squawk box during the football game.

Modre: One must not forget that Tiamat gave birth to the eleven monsters of Babylonian legend: Venomous Snake, Great Dragon, Exalted Serpent, Furious Snake, the Hairy One, Big Weather Beast, Mad Lion, Scorpion Man, Violent Storms, Fish-Man, and Bull Man… or as I will someday refer to them: the greatest Japanese anime ever!

Sally: Let’s turn now to our own Scorpion-Bowl Man: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Whoa.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a Monday Night Football game that will determine whether the Eagles win the NFC East division with a 7-9 record or a 6-10 record.

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!

Bears vs. Texans: 9-11-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Texans, for some reason. Will the Bears pull off a stunning upset against the champion of the AFC South (with a 9-7 record), or will a weak offensive line, a rebuilding defense, and less-than-special team put the Bears in position to face a Trump-esque defeat?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mister Jaws” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the bed spinning insights of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Normally, I’d be citing the prophetic revelations of obscure deities lost in the mists of history to determine how the Bears will do this season, but there be no need in the 2016 season, for the mandarins who govern the NFL have decreed that the Bears shall have an easier schedule than a college freshman whose drunken stumblings have mathematically eliminated him from pursuing a degree in late September. Indeed, the Bears only play against 4 teams who earned a winning record last year, and two of those teams are in the NFC North, so the Monsters of the Midway have no choice but to play those teams. But I digress.  

The Bears will go 10-6 this year, defeating the Texans, Eagles, Cowboys, Jaguars, Buccaneers, Giants, Titans, 49ers, and split the Lions. They will also defeat the Washington team whose owner has probably endorsed Trump by now. Unfortunately, the Bears will experience difficulty against the Colts, Packers and Vikings. Still, the 10-6 record will give Chicago fans false hope until they face a slightly more competent opposition next year, not unlike what the Democrats will experience the next two years.

Sally: That’s some really subtle political commentary, Captain.

Redbeard: Thank ye for opening the door wide enough for me to shoot a cannon through, matey! Before discussing Trump, let me get Godwin’s Law out of the way: Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Now that I’ve dispensed with that, allow me to express me admiration for future President Trump’s managerial style: As a fellow aspiring symbol for evil incarnate, I can’t help but respect Trump’s open embrace of political darkness with his choices for campaign advisers: Roger Ailes, Steve Bannon, and David Bossie. ‘Twould be as though Lex Luthor ran for president and openly put Sinestro, Gorilla Grod, and Brainiac as his campaign advisors! I’ve tried to create me own League of Bearded Evil without success, featuring meself, Blackbeard, and, uh, probably… Bluebeard? Although now that I think about it, Des, ye’ve got a pretty good panel of evil going on yerself with this blog.

Sally: Is gross incompetence a form of evil? If so, would you welcome, for the first time: former Bears coach Marc Trestman!

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Les bons kudos, mon ami Desmond for taking the comedic gesture of—uh, instead of taking the easy way out and hiring a person who is, uh, how you say “successful” as a Bears performer—uh, player, is the word—un jouer, if you will, like your Mike Ditkas, or your, how you say, Thomas Waddle, or Brian Urlachers, your legends of Bears Football. You have turned instead to one of your greatest failures of the Chicago football Bears, by which I mean myself, Monsieur Marc Trestman, former Chicago Bears coach—leader—the helmsmen, if you will, of the Bears through their worst, darkest period. 

Sally: Coach, why do you suddenly have a French accent? You never had one when you were the coach of the Bears.

Trestman: Why do I suddenly have the accent francais? Is that the question that is troubling you? It is because I was once the coach of the Montreal Allouettes before coming to befoul your Chicago football Bears. That is the weak buttress, the weak conceit if you will, that is buttressing this comedy, which is not—it is not, how you say, “analogous”, if you will, to the buttress of the Notre Dame Cathedral which your pathetic Trump Towers are but not but an echo. Monsieur Le Trump, you should know that quantity does not overtake the quality. But I digress. And now that I have concluded the main focus of my visit, which is to introduce my character to you, the reader/listener, let us now turn to what I do not wish to forget: my analysis of Chicago Bears recent struggles, which is also important, and soon to be enchanting, will come now.

I am sure is your unspoken question: How is the Jay Cutlair cette dimanche? He is one who cannot be coached, who lacks the je ne sais quoi that your most elementary Pere Warner American footballer receives along with your eye make-up and the mouth guard. It is true I had a hand in his ruination when I told him to throw the ball 20 yards when I meant 20 meters. The metric conversions were always a sore spot. It is true that when I was consumed with the anger and frustration that I would become a spewing volcano of angry French profanity. But when I would communicate with the flash cards, the results would be no different.

Sally: Thank you, Coach.

Trestman: I would hold up the two flash cards. One with the Bears receiver and a smiley face underneath it and one with an opposing defender on it with a circle-slash mark through it like a Mille Bornes card, but nothing would work. I could not break through the cultural impasse.

Sally: Let’s turn now to another commentator with unique speech patterns: Concord Peabody.

Concord: The Bears have the most wins in season opening games, the most of any NFL team. Granted, the Bears and Packers were the only two NFL teams in existence from 1840 to 1960, but that’s still a proud tradition to build on!

Concord: But let’s turn to the present: With no ground game to speak of, Jay Cutler will rely solely on an air attack this Sunday. A one-dimensional offensive strategy never fails—in football, on the battlefield, in the corporate world…

Sally: …and in comedy. Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

Drunky: Hillary Clinton was specifically talking to me when she mentioned a “basket of deplorables”, which is what I usually buy at the liquor store.

Sally: And I thought “basket of deplorables” referred to the Bears offense. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. Your, uh, “thoughts.”

Ellie: Hillary Clinton called us Trump fans a “basket of deplorables”, which sounds like some weird compliment the Prissy Minion would give to Des.

Prissy Minion: Thank you.

Ellie: The insult was meaningless. It was like water rolling off a duck’s back, if by “water” you mean “Jack Daniels”, and by “duck” you mean “the numerous chickens I stole from the neighbor’s farm”. No, us Trumpinators get insulted every day—on social media, at work, whenever we watch anything on TV that’s not Fox News, by the one college graduate who hasn’t left town yet…

Sally: Isn’t a “basket of deplorables” how Dr. Seuss described the Grinch?

Ellie: Exactly. It’s the Jon Stewart version of Lindsay Graham, “I declare, you, suh, are a cad, a rouge, and just a—just a—basket of deplorables! Good day, suh!”

Sally: Prissy Minion. It’s finally your turn.

Prissy: Oh, Des, who is strangely absent for most of this episode. You’re a basket of deplorables I would hunt for every Easter Sunday.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off against the Houston Texans, a team they have never beaten. But I thought the Generals were due!