Bears vs. Lions: 11-27-2014

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-27-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in their first Thanksgiving game since 2004. Will the Bears defense be able to give Jay Cutler a short field against a team that is no longer at the very bottom of the NFL? Or will today’s game come down to a question of which quarterback is the last to throw an interception?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bonesteel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man who invites himself to more Thanksgivings than Peppermint Patty, Drunky McDumbAss.

Drunky: Speaking of peppermint patties, I could really go for a peppermint schnapps right now. Or something else of the breath mint variety for the car ride home. Hey, what’s that repeated stabbing sensation in my back? Is that my liver again?

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Those painful stab wounds are brought to you by me blood soaked steely blade for depriving me of me opening tirade that has been a staple of this pre-game show since the Bears were naught but the Decatur Staleys. Or it could also be your liver, McDumbAss. I would never completely rule that out.

Now that I have regained me rightful position, ‘tis time for a Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis my deepest shame: the Oakland Raiders with their 1-10 record at the very bottom of the NFL. Ye may be asking, “Why only pick on the Raiders, Captain Redbeard? The Jacksonville Jaguars have an equally bad record.”

Allow me to answer this question in two parts: Part 1- Shut up! Who be you to challenge the aqua satanic majesty of Captain Redbeard, dread lord of the seven seas, scourge of legitimate maritime commerce, and feared card cheat? Part B- No one ever expects the Jaguars to ever amount to anything, but the Raiders once represented the Brotherhood of the Eternal Dank with pride, striking terror in the hearts of hapless AFC teams throughout the Pacific Coast. Ever since the referees stole that “Snow Bowl” game from Oakland and handed it to the Patriots, the Raiders have suffered a decade in the football equivalent of the Sargasso Sea. That game be a true act of piracy!

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The first meal eaten on the moon by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was turkey. But you were probably looking for Bears trivia. The Bears are 8-7 against the Lions on Thanksgiving. In 2004, they lost to the Cowboys 21 to 7 with despite having legendary quarterbacks Jonathan Quinn and Craig Krenzel at the helm. In 1999, the Lions beat the Bears despite having future Hall of Famer Jim Miller standing behind the center. While quarterbacking has been a historical weakness for the Bears, the Lions are 1-9 in their last 10 Thanksgiving games. Go Bears!

Des: Thank you, Concord. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie: What else but Trashcan Turkey wrapped in corn huskings and served on chairs from a 1975 Ford pickup truck placed on cinder blocks? 

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desmondolina. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine which team is its own worst enemy.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 11-23-2014

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 11-23-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after pulling themselves together to defeat one of the worst teams in the NFL. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of demonstrating basic competence to beat another bad team? Or will they suffer an embarrassing loss to their former coach Lovie Smith, who will remind them what an acceptable defense can do?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Master of Mayhem” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the guest who came to stay and never leave, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to enter a period of terrible soul serching as me favorite non-piratannical football team battles against me second favorite pirate themed team. On the one hand, ye have the Chicago Football Bears, whose legend was built on a foundation of a fearsome defense that now couldn’t stop a baby from stealing candy from the end zone. On the other hand, ye have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were mostly known for having aquamarine uniforms featuring a sailor with a blade in its mouth whose glory days came when they stole a coach from me favorite privateer-themed team, the Oakland Raiders. Since there be no football performance related statistic nor sentimental attachment to decide me preference, ‘tis naught but pure greed that will persuade me to support the Bears this Sunday: I have a fleet of unauthorized Bears merchandise waiting to be sold without the express written consent of Major League Football.

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who will continue to party at Soldier Field through Sunday’s game into the upcoming Thanksgiving match-up. Drunky, aren’t the Bears playing the Thanksgiving game in Detroit?

Drunky: That’s right, Des, but there’s really no point in going to Detroit unless you can prove you’re a non-resident who makes more than $10,000,000 a year. Governor Snyder is testing out this means-testing criteria to enter Detroit before making it part of his campaign platform to reform immigration into the U.S. as part of a 2016 presidential run. I’ve also heard they’re cutting off oxygen to parts of Detroit outside of the sports stadiums.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Mason Cooley once said, “Reading about ethics is about as likely to make one a saint as reading about sports will make one into an athlete.” Despite this, I look forward to reading Roger Goodell’s biography after he’s drummed out of the NFL.

Des: While all of this political comedy is draining the comedy ranking of this pre-game cavalcade several notches below Doonesbury, let’s bring in Concord Peabody to lighten things up.

Concord: Well, Des, all the pieces are in place for the Bears to finish the season by beating the Buccaneers, the Lions twice, and the Vikings again, resulting in a glorious… 8-8 season.

Des: That didn’t help at all! Ellie Mae, cheer me up, would you?

Ellie: The only comfort I can provide is through a burlap sack of surplus pig nuts I scraped of the ground of our ½ acre dirt farm. At least I think it’s pig nuts. It might just be random twigs, car parts, and Moxie soda bottles.

Des: Ellie Mae, how did you become part of our show?

Ellie: Oh, please! Your cast consists of a pirate, a drunk, a Lisa Simpson rip-off, a stalker, and whatever Modre is. Concord Peabody is the only character who pretends to care about football, and even he has no idea what he’s talking about. I fit right in!

Des: And I thought Doctor McChesty was based more on Beavis and Butthead’s “Darla.”

Ellie: Obscure references to unpopular 1990s TV shows will never save you.

Des: Prissy Minion. Unnerve me with your obsequiousness.

Prissy: Like Guardians of the Galaxy, you are irrelevant, reckless, and scrappy.

Des: I think you meant “irreverent.”

Prissy: Oops. And you also make good mix tapes. On cassettes. Still.

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desimandela. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that, contrary to the writings of various sports jerks, is not the “Toilet Bowl.” That “honor” goes to the Jets-Bills game. Go Neckbeard! (Assuming he’s still the Bills’ quarterback.)

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-16-2014

ARRRRH, Mateys! I be brutally disappointed by the Bears historically dismal performance last Sunday. Truly they be mutinous dogs trying to send a message to Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, Mel Tucker, and whoever be the offensive coordinator. But sadly, the only message received by the fans and other NFL teams is "We suck!" But not to worry, Bears fans! Me Tampa Bay Buccaneers will finish off the aforementioned cavalcade of football ineptitude, making the Thanksgiving game a feast of journeymen quarterbacks and coaches who are naught but the misbegotten grand-spawn of various coaches from the 1960s, none of whom are named "Halas" or "Lombardi", sadly. As for the rest of our sports panel, they gave up on the Bears this week and are pursuing other interests, like GED classes and equestria.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-9-2014

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-9-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after being horribly eviscerated by the New England Patriots. Will Marc Trestman and Aaron Kromer find the magic keys to somehow teach Jay Cutler to throw passes to his teammates, as opposed the waiting arms of the Packers, random mascots, cheerleaders, and the numerous demons that haunt his nightmares, both sleeping and waking? Or will the call go out for the Bears to hire a new quarterback with a more colorful name, like Colt McCoy, Lance McSquarejaw, or Neckbeard?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dolphin Blob” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and from the deepest South, introducing Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears have too many problems to name, but I’ll give it a stab with me blood-drenched cutlass: A pass defense that makes me more nauseated than a norovirus-afflicted cruise ship, a general manager whose comments about “work ethic” and having “a system of doing things” resembles the drunken ramblings of the captain of the Costa Concordia, and a quarterback whose navigation skills make the captain of the Bahamas Celebration look like Magellan.

Des: Captain, that’s a disturbingly recent montage of cruise ship disasters.

Redbeard: Aye. Which is why I offer to your readers/listeners deeply discounted tickets to Captain Redbeard’s Thanksgiving Cruise, where we reenact the original Mayflower voyage with full historical accuracy, which unfortunately includes massive outbreaks of scurvy, pneumonia, and tuberculosis. Also, the residents/tourists of Cape Cod probably won’t appreciate our authentic recreation of the Mayflower landfall where we raid any unprotected stores of corn, or what the natives call “maize.” But don’t look for us on Groupon. We’re more of a Saveology-based enterprise because I’m pretty sure that a portion of the proceeds go to Scientology, whose KRC triangle of “Knowledge, Responsibility, and Control” really gave me the focus I needed to more successfully plunder the coastal cities of Somalia.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Unfortunately, your Thanksgiving tirade comes a bit too early, as I was hoping to save that for the Bears game on Thanksgiving.

Redbeard: Stop being such a lazy slaggard, Des! All ye need do is slap together some standard references to tryptophan, women being stuck in the kitchen while men watch football, and say “turducken” over and over again, and ye be all set!

Des: Concord Peabody. We haven’t heard from you in a while. What do you have for us?

Concord: The Bears are 30-0 when it comes to games they’d be better off losing. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, I know you’ll transcend the limitations of football pre-game coverage even though I’d rather you didn’t.

Modre: O. Henry once declared, “There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that’s purely American.” Except for Canada and Liberia.

Des: Again with the premature Thanksgiving jokes. Do we have orders from Corporate to get our Thanksgiving jokes out of the way now so we can go right to Christmas-themed comedy next week? Here to ignore that question altogether is our newest member of Captain Redbeard’s Bears Preview: Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Ellie: Well, what we have ourselves as an offering outside of the Green Bay Packer football stadium of Lambeau Field is what I’d like to call a Pig Nut Buffet. Now it’s true that there is a variety of unrelated plants that are called pig nuts, ranging from bunium bulbocastinum, which is a smoky flavored spice used in dishes in the Indian subcontinent, to the pig nut hickory that grows where I come from in the deep south, although its tendrils extend as far north as New England and even lower Ontario

            But while pig nut actually exists, we just steal the name to give down-home flavor to what is really just a stew of various road-kill.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to bring things to a staggering conclusion?

Sally: I would think that a “staggering conclusion” would be more Drunky McDumbAss’s forte, Des, but whatever. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that goes up against The Walking Dead—which pretty much describes the Bears defense. (Cue sad slide whistle).

Bears vs. Patriots: 10-26-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears travel to New England to face the Patriots, whose rapidly aging quarterback still does better than every Bears quarterback in history combined, excluding the bad ones—which excludes all but maybe two. Will the Bears put together an error-free game and take advantage of New England’s many flaws that have not yet been exploited by inferior foes? Or will the Bears whole continue to be less than the sum of its parts, especially when one of those parts is Jay Cutler?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wonderwall” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the 21^st Century version of W.C. Fields, but without the charm, clever wit, or a rudimentary education, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, do ye believe that ye can somehow draw Generation X’ers into this pre-game cavalcade with a reference to an Oasis album? If so, ye be a bigger fool than today’s young people who flock to ISIS because, apparently, we don’t have enough neo-Nazi or radical communist groups to absorb our disaffected youth. I live in fear of the inevitable Islamo-rock bands that have probably already emerged in cities and college towns across America because you don’t have a viable sub-culture unless you have a few rock bands dedicated to spreading whatever half-assed message you’re trying to get across. In my youth, I myself tried to spawn a pirate rock movement whose end results deserve to die on the slowly decaying 8 tracks stashed in my Hull of Shame which has somehow survived numerous torpedo-ings. Sadly, pirate rock was pretty much nothing more than increasingly angry renditions of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

So, to answer your original question, Des, the Bears should bench Jay Cutler. This wouldn’t be the first time the Bears spent $100 billion on a quarterback who was a bust, nor will it be the last, unfortunately.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Jay Cutler has survived seven consecutive games without a season-ending injury, but you wouldn’t know it from the Bears’ 3-4 record.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. How are things going in New England?

Drunky: Des, I drove through DWI roadblocks in six states in six minutes.

Des: Because New England states are so tiny. I get it, Drunky. You better be careful in Maine, though. I hear that’s disputed territory with the British.

Drunky: Not since the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842. But don’t worry, Des. If the Lobsterbacks invade Maine, 44.7% of my Scottish blood will resist it.

Des: Modre. Scramble my refrigerator word magnets.

Modre: Friedrich Nietzsche was once said, “The best author will be one who is ashamed to become a writer.” That should be true of every profession.

Des: Uh, sure. Why not? Prissy Minion. Go, solely because it’s your turn.

Prissy: Des, your posts are both jubilant and anarchic in that they make no sense and make me laugh in spite of themselves. But that’s still pure genius, and, for that, I thank you.

Sally: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on this pre-game experience, brought to by the Jean Shaheen for Senate Campaign, which hopes that her home field advantage works out better than the Bears this season.

Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-19-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears return home to Soldier Field after an inconclusive two game tour of duty south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Will the Bears take advantage of a lackluster Florida team to get back on track and maybe secure a wild card berth? Or will Soldier Field prove to be a home field disadvantage for the third home game (of three) this season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Subtlety is Not My Strong Suit” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, your disloyalty toward the Bears both shames and disgusts me! Ye need to follow my example of blindly following the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, e’en if their combined record this decade be 1 - ∞. They can still turn things around!

Des: Captain, what I do is the highest form of loyalty… I challenge the Bears to do better… with pitiless mockery! Speaking of which, Captain, let’s take a moment to review your Death Punch to Abject Failure, or what you, on our September 14^th post, called your “Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl.” Overall, your divisional picks were terrible: the Saints are 2-3, the Jets are languishing with a 1-6 record…

Redbeard: I thought Rex Ryan’s combination of empty threats and hollow guarantees of victory would finally catch on this year!

Des: The Titans are struggling with a 2-4 season…

Redbeard: Ye would think ‘twould be impossible for one man, i.e. Jeff Fisher, to curse two teams at once, but in my own efforts to lay an eternal curse on the Washington Football Club, I have mostly afflicted the Buccaneers and Raiders, to my unending sorrow. But don’t blame me for the Cubs. They’ve done that entirely on their own, for generation after generation after generation after generation.

Des: …and the Bears and Steelers are mediocre at best, with 3-3 records. Your only bright spots are the 49ers, Broncos, and, surprisingly, the Dallas Cowboys.

Sally: If I may interrupt, Des…

Des: It’s Doctor Sally McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.

Sally: Peyton Manning continues to be animated by dark sorcery and/or secret alien/human hybrid medical “treatments” that eat up 90% of the Obamacare budget for this fiscal year. Did you know, Des, that, like the military and the CIA, Obamacare has a secret black budget, most of which is spent on keeping alive star quarterbacks, the Koch Brothers, and Dick Cheney?

Des: Given that 112% of our Gross Domestic Product is absorbed by football, it does not surprise me that our medical care system would be part of that equation. Drunky McDumbAss. Welcome back to Soldier Field.

Drunky: Des, I never left. I’ve been playing Whack a Mole in the Soldier Field parking garage with Bears security. I’m the mole.

Des-boy: Whut are yew talkin’ ‘bout, McDumbAss? Yew don’t er-member the past two weeks in Standard City Illinoise Jail when we were tryin’ tuh sneak outta Atlanta after a methamphetamine fueled crime spree in which we used Coors Lite as a coolant fer tuh keep our skull pans from overheatin’? Or was that actual Prestone we were drinkin’? Talk about hydraulic frackin’! (Doubles over in a combination of hillbilly laughter and alcoholism-induced convulsions)

Drunky: What, uhhh, what mix tape were we listening to at the time?

Des: I’ll leave the two of you alone to get reacquainted with your shared dark past. Modre. Gimme some word puree.

Modre: Here, chiefly, in the aggrandizement of a huge and fearsome animal to deiform proportions, does Melville surpass all other poets of his century in the rejuvenation of myth.

Des: Deiform, Modre?

Modre: As usual, Des, your pitiful mind cannot begin to grasp the enormity of “deiform”, i.e. of godlike size and stature. The closest entity you have encountered of deiform stature is Mike Ditka whose 75^th birthday was yesterday.

Des: Prissy Minion, terminate this broadcast with extreme prejudice!

Prissy: With any great artist comes great criticism. While there are untold billions of counterexamples, Des, you are not among them.

Des: Thank you for joining us, Bears fans, on the only football website sponsored by a menopause drug: Brisdell. Yes, Brisdell - - fighting hot flashes one 900 foot tall purple curtain at a time. Change is in the air—which kind of makes menopause sound like Ebola!

Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, whose overall awesomeness was also of deiform stature.

Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in Phase Two of their Southern Campaign that hasn’t exactly resembled Sherman’s March to the Sea. Will the Bears use a brutally ruthless offense to reduce Atlanta to cinders while constructing a defense acceptable enough to hold on to Gettysburg? Or will Marc Trestman play the role of George McClellan and use a conservative run offense that goes nowhere?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Unconditional Surrender” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and the eternal drinking game, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, Des, your prejudice against all things aquatic is laid bare for all to see! Where be the critical role played by the Union and Confederate Navies in your extended-to-the-breaking-point metaphor? Whilst I could make me standard double entendre about the Anaconda Strategy, this time I prefer to express me hope that the Bears defense today resembles the ironclad USS Monitor upon which the Falcons bounce off like so many Confederate cannonballs and not the Ironsides wheelchairs I stole from Raymond Burr and Blair Underwood, the star of the 2013 remake that was cancelled after three episodes, both of which I will later use to laughably wheel myself down the deck of me ship after too many casks of white Jamaican rum.

Des: I liked it better when everyone just ignored my opening question. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: A mighty dragon cannot crush a native snake. I’m not sure whether the Bears are the dragons or the snakes, or if that even matters.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Doctor McChesty. Who will win today’s Bears game?

Sally: Well, Des, both teams can best be described as ones where the whole is less than the sum of its parts. So I guess it’s all about how you add up the numbers.

Des: Isn’t that your job?

Sally: It is this week, Des, until you come up with another way to define my character.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: I’m incoherent rambling into my smart phone from the back seat of Des-boy’s 1972 Ford Torino. We’re hiding behind some abandoned factory.

Des-boy: Shut up, McDumbAss! You want the revenuers to find us?

Des: Prissy Minion. End this on a positive note if you can, but, please… end this!

Prissy: Des, your posts are always soothing yet adventurous, and you never settle for passable while the transcendent is still within reach.

Des: Just like Leonard Cohen’s new album, Popular Problems, now available on I-tunes and wherever good music is sold. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that’s apparently important enough to be flexibly scheduled to 3:30 Central Time, which I just discovered right now, totally throwing off my plans for my entire Sunday, dad-blast it!