BEARS VS. PATRIOTS: 12-12-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…
Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?
SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.
Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?
SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.
Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.
Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?
CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.
Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?
CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."
Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Bears vs. Lions: 12-5-10
BEARS VS. LIONS: 12-5-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.
Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.
SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!
Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.
Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?
CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."
Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.
Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."
Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.
Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.
SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!
Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.
Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?
CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."
Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.
Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."
Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-28-10
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-28-10
Des: So here I am at the Las Vegas airport on a layover on a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manchester, NH, drinking a $12 gin and tonic at the Fox Sports Bar after losing five dollars at the airport slots, awaiting the start of the Bears/Eagles game. (All true so far... now begins the descent/ascent into madness) Since the standard fare of Bradshaw, Johnson, et al, are not entertaining me, let's bring forth my regular imaginary crew of prognosticators to preview this Bears game.
SR: ARRRHHHH, mateys! All of professional football is darkened under the shadow of the NFL's looming lookout of 2011. The NFL Players' Association is claiming that an average of about $160 million in local spending and 3,000 jobs would be lost in each league city if the full 2011 season were wiped out. This presumes that there would not be some truly magnificient scabs waiting in the wings to take over if the first string players were forced out of the pictures. And by "scabs", I'm not talking about me horrible, horrible skin condition caused by a tropical insect that scientists have yet to name. If it be up to me, I would name it Anopheles Redbeadius.
Des: I would wish you well, Captain, but I would be lying. Drunky McDumb-ass. Since we seem to be inexplicably trapped in the same sports bar, what are your observations?
DMD: I'm very traumatized, Des. I ordered a light beer that I guess is very weak because the super-hot bartender made fun of my clothes, then punched me in the heart and took my money. How was I supposed to know that smooth-drinking Coors Lite was the only socially acceptable lite beer for men to drink?
Des: Thanks to Coors Brewery's sponsorship of this proud web-site, now everyone knows.
Modre: If by "everyone", Des, you mean the four or five friends you lost contact with years ago who might mistakenly "rediscover" this blog, then by all means, retreat into your comforting delusion.
Des: Concord Peabody, what data is going into your victory factory this week?
CWP: That's a Victory Factor, not factory, Des. If you combine the running yardage of Matt Forte, the quarterback proficiency of Jay Cutler, and the existential despair felt by the Eagles for playing in a city that is a hollow mockery of the once proud capital city of America, I give the Bears a Victory Factor of 97.9.
Des: Hey, is Johnny B. still the morning guy for 97.9?
CWP: Des, that reference will only appeal to a rapidly dying demographic.
Des: Ouch! Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your blog posts are like an old, familiar shoe... the stench may be overpowering, but it's too comfortable to part with.
Des: Well, I'll sit back and watch with my insanely overpriced drink as the Bears face off in a match that may help me forget the searing humiliation I faced going through airport security!
Des: So here I am at the Las Vegas airport on a layover on a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manchester, NH, drinking a $12 gin and tonic at the Fox Sports Bar after losing five dollars at the airport slots, awaiting the start of the Bears/Eagles game. (All true so far... now begins the descent/ascent into madness) Since the standard fare of Bradshaw, Johnson, et al, are not entertaining me, let's bring forth my regular imaginary crew of prognosticators to preview this Bears game.
SR: ARRRHHHH, mateys! All of professional football is darkened under the shadow of the NFL's looming lookout of 2011. The NFL Players' Association is claiming that an average of about $160 million in local spending and 3,000 jobs would be lost in each league city if the full 2011 season were wiped out. This presumes that there would not be some truly magnificient scabs waiting in the wings to take over if the first string players were forced out of the pictures. And by "scabs", I'm not talking about me horrible, horrible skin condition caused by a tropical insect that scientists have yet to name. If it be up to me, I would name it Anopheles Redbeadius.
Des: I would wish you well, Captain, but I would be lying. Drunky McDumb-ass. Since we seem to be inexplicably trapped in the same sports bar, what are your observations?
DMD: I'm very traumatized, Des. I ordered a light beer that I guess is very weak because the super-hot bartender made fun of my clothes, then punched me in the heart and took my money. How was I supposed to know that smooth-drinking Coors Lite was the only socially acceptable lite beer for men to drink?
Des: Thanks to Coors Brewery's sponsorship of this proud web-site, now everyone knows.
Modre: If by "everyone", Des, you mean the four or five friends you lost contact with years ago who might mistakenly "rediscover" this blog, then by all means, retreat into your comforting delusion.
Des: Concord Peabody, what data is going into your victory factory this week?
CWP: That's a Victory Factor, not factory, Des. If you combine the running yardage of Matt Forte, the quarterback proficiency of Jay Cutler, and the existential despair felt by the Eagles for playing in a city that is a hollow mockery of the once proud capital city of America, I give the Bears a Victory Factor of 97.9.
Des: Hey, is Johnny B. still the morning guy for 97.9?
CWP: Des, that reference will only appeal to a rapidly dying demographic.
Des: Ouch! Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your blog posts are like an old, familiar shoe... the stench may be overpowering, but it's too comfortable to part with.
Des: Well, I'll sit back and watch with my insanely overpriced drink as the Bears face off in a match that may help me forget the searing humiliation I faced going through airport security!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Bears vs. Dolphins:11-18-10
BEARS VS. DOLPHINS: 11-18-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.
Des: What does that mean?
Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.
Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?
CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.
CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.
Des: What does that mean?
Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.
Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?
CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.
CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-14-10
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-14-10
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Bears vs. Bills: 11-7-10
BEARS VS. BILLS: 11-7-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.
Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.
SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.
Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?
Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.
Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?
Modre: What?
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: 54-40 or fight!
Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.
Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.
SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.
Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?
Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.
Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?
Modre: What?
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: 54-40 or fight!
Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Bears vs. Redskins: 10-24-10
BEARS VS. REDSKINS: 10-24-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
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