BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 10-1-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys as both teams stand atop their divisions with 2-1 records. Will the Bears repeat last week’s victory formula of strong defense, solid field goal kicking, and an offense that showed flashes of competence? Or will Tony Romo be able to “control what [he] can control” and send Bears fandom into an over-reactive power dive of despair?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tippi Turtle” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and what passes for gender equality in the NFL: Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye will address me as Senator Roobaert, for that will soon be me job title and plausible alias after the November 6 election.
Des: Captain, are you running as a Tea Party candidate?
SR: Nay! As much as I would enjoy the endorsement from the party named after an event of piracy, the Tea Party name has exhausted its usefulness as a clever rebranding of the Republican Party. Now the Republicans need yet another American Revolution-themed brand name. I’m thinking of calling ourselves the “John Paul Jones” Party.
Des: That’s actually fairly clever, Captain, since he’s famous for saying “I have not yet begun to fight.” That’s a built-in rallying cry.
SR: It may be more appropriate to call us the “Intolerable Acts” Party once you see the legislation we’ll be enacting. But the media will be too focused on my cleverly disguised distraction that, when you type in “Roobaert”, spell-check transforms it to “Boob art”.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears continue to struggle on offense, Matt Forte remains injured, and Tony Romo is harder to kill than some horrible Clint Eastwood/Chuck Norris/Doctor Who hybrid. But the Cowboys also have a player named “Dez”. Therefore, Bears win 54-3.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Numerous ancient faiths and civilizations celebrate harvest holidays at this time of year. Since most of you pathetic Westerners have no idea where food comes from, it would be most fitting to have the horrible “Soylent Green Revelation Day”.
Des: All right. So far we have two members of our BEARS panel that have not even commented on FOOTBALL!! Sally McChesty. Did your interview with Paul Ryan make a passing reference to football?
SMC: Des, my Paul Ryan interview started with a tortured comparison between the replacement referees and Barack Obama. The exact quote was, "It's time to get the real refs. And do you know what; it reminds me of President Obama and the economy. If you can't get it right, it's time to get out." Then he started to make other random comparisons. “And what does the ‘check engine’ light remind me of? Barack Obama. ATM fees? Barack Obama. Trying to program your VCR? Barack Obama. Mismatched socks? Barack Obama.”
Des: Hey, those are some good comedy stylings. Here’s a good one: What does the Rubric’s Cube remind me of? Barack Obama.
SMC: Are you sure it doesn’t remind you of Walter Mondale, Captain Flashback?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a Monday Night matchup that might tear people away from “Dancing with the Stars” if they didn’t feature more Dallas Cowboys all stars!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Bears vs. Rams: 9-23-12
BEARS VS. RAMS: 9-23-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!
SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?
Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.
Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.
Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.
Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?
SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.
Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!
SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?
Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.
Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.
Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.
Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?
SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.
Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Bears vs. Colts: 9-9-12
BEARS VS. COLTS: 9-9-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?
SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.
Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.
Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.
SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.
Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?
SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.
Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.
Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.
SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.
Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Bears vs. Vikings: 1-1-12
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 1-1-12
Des: Welcome to this season's final edition of the Chicago Bears football pregame show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to either team. Will the Bears audition a different quarterback every play? Or will both teams agree to give its fans a true show with a series of choreographed wacky plays, not unlike to Harlem Globetrotters, with the coin toss determining which team gets to be the Washington Generals? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Moses Magnum" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and truth-seeker extraordinaire, Wonder Woman.
WW: Really, Des? "Truth-seeking extraordinaire"? Could you be any more pompous? Is that supposed to refer to my magic lasso? If so, be aware that I'm shifting to waterboarding for 2012.
Redbeard: ARRRRHHHHH, mateys! If ye be done with your pointless flirtations, it be time for Captain Redbeard's Rum-soaked Reevelation for the New Year. God seems to be getting himself involved in football even more than usual lately, from choosing Tim Tebow as his quarterback, to telling St. Louis Rams cornerback Al Harris it's time to retire. (True story!) What must the Bears do to receive similar divine intervention? Well, since Jehovah has clearly picked the Psckers to be the NFC North team for this decade, the Bears must fight back with deities from as many different parthenons as they can sucker into helping, whether it be my favorites Poseidon and Neptune, or Buddha (because no one would suspect him), or Quetzalcoatl. I'd go for Quetzalcoatl, since 2012 seems to be his year.
Des: Concord Peabody. What's your prediction?
Concord: Well, Des, this is the 20th anniversary of the breakup of the Soviet Union. The Bears are 4-0 when major empires disband, defeating the Packers when the Austro-Hungarian Empire collapsed in 1918, the Browns when the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922, the Redskins when India broke off from Great Britain, and the Chargers when the Soviet Union disbanded.
Des: But, Concord, no major empire is falling apart now, is it?
Concord: Why don't you cut away to Modre?
Modre: A Chinese fortune cookie once said, "Force equals too much, effort equals too little, being equals just right." Being Lovie Smith has not been especially helpful lately.
Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thought?
Prissy: Des, my New Year's Resolution is to lose enough weight to fit inside your mind.
Des: As Riche Rich's butler Cadbury would say, "Egad!" Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will provide a New Year's reminder that the more things change, the more they remain the same.
Des: Welcome to this season's final edition of the Chicago Bears football pregame show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to either team. Will the Bears audition a different quarterback every play? Or will both teams agree to give its fans a true show with a series of choreographed wacky plays, not unlike to Harlem Globetrotters, with the coin toss determining which team gets to be the Washington Generals? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Moses Magnum" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and truth-seeker extraordinaire, Wonder Woman.
WW: Really, Des? "Truth-seeking extraordinaire"? Could you be any more pompous? Is that supposed to refer to my magic lasso? If so, be aware that I'm shifting to waterboarding for 2012.
Redbeard: ARRRRHHHHH, mateys! If ye be done with your pointless flirtations, it be time for Captain Redbeard's Rum-soaked Reevelation for the New Year. God seems to be getting himself involved in football even more than usual lately, from choosing Tim Tebow as his quarterback, to telling St. Louis Rams cornerback Al Harris it's time to retire. (True story!) What must the Bears do to receive similar divine intervention? Well, since Jehovah has clearly picked the Psckers to be the NFC North team for this decade, the Bears must fight back with deities from as many different parthenons as they can sucker into helping, whether it be my favorites Poseidon and Neptune, or Buddha (because no one would suspect him), or Quetzalcoatl. I'd go for Quetzalcoatl, since 2012 seems to be his year.
Des: Concord Peabody. What's your prediction?
Concord: Well, Des, this is the 20th anniversary of the breakup of the Soviet Union. The Bears are 4-0 when major empires disband, defeating the Packers when the Austro-Hungarian Empire collapsed in 1918, the Browns when the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922, the Redskins when India broke off from Great Britain, and the Chargers when the Soviet Union disbanded.
Des: But, Concord, no major empire is falling apart now, is it?
Concord: Why don't you cut away to Modre?
Modre: A Chinese fortune cookie once said, "Force equals too much, effort equals too little, being equals just right." Being Lovie Smith has not been especially helpful lately.
Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thought?
Prissy: Des, my New Year's Resolution is to lose enough weight to fit inside your mind.
Des: As Riche Rich's butler Cadbury would say, "Egad!" Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will provide a New Year's reminder that the more things change, the more they remain the same.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 12-25-2011
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-25-2011
Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.
Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?
Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!
Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?
Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.
Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?
WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.
Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.
WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.
Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.
Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.
Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?
Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!
Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?
Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.
Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?
WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.
Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.
WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.
Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
More sad news
On December 5, 2011, my grandfather, Louis E. Desmond, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack. He taught me a great deal about family, politics, humor, sports, music, and a compulsion for knowledge.
My grandfather was very loyal to his family, especially my grandmother. He spent a lot of time and love taking care of her in the past decade as it became increasingly difficult for her to take care of herself. He always made time to spend with his grandchildren, especially when my cousins, my sister, and I would construct very elaborate imaginary scenarios in which we would invite him to participate and/or witness. These ranged from weddings to newscasts to talent shows to super-hero battles to criminal trials and lawsuits. In one particularly memorable criminal trial, in which he was the judge, and I was a 9 year old defendant newly convicted of robbery, I tried to bribe him to change the verdict for a dollar, but he had to explain to me why that was wrong and/or illegal. He was pretty much the reason why I didn't become the next Rod Blagojevich.
Speaking of politics, my grandfather had a great deal of influence over my political beliefs-- not so much my actual political orientation, which, in some ways, is the opposite of my grandfather's-- but the idea that it's important to understand politics, and to not just have opinions, but to have opinions that are well thought out and based on a knowledge of history. He and my dad also both taught me that it's important to respect and understand multiple sides of an issue and to not have a simplistic ideology regardless of your political perspective, which is an idea that's in very short supply in a world where politics is just another form of poorly done entertainment.
The desire to be knowledgeable about things is another value that my grandfather helped instill. Although my grandmother's books formed the bulk of the 820 Wonderview library, Grandpa boasted a comprehensive collection himself. One summer I tore through a book of his called The Story of the Irish Race, by Seumas Macmanus. It taught me a lot about Irish history and my Irish heritage. I have my own copy of it now, as a gift from Steve Schiller.
I also learned a lot about sports from my grandfather-- not so much about actually playing sports, which my lack of strength and endurance discouraged me from doing, but about watching sports, especially the Cubs, which were his favorite team, and against whom I may have a lifetime resentment for failing to win a World Series for the entire 89 years he was alive. But watching games with him on TV, I learned a great deal about sports analysis, of players, and also of the knowledge (or lack thereof) of the broadcasters. Like all right-thinking Americans, he watched Harry Caray with a mixture of bemusement and frustration at his alcohol-fueled broadcasts. My parents and grand-parents also time-shared season's tickets at Wrigley Field, and I have a lot of good memories of watching Cubs games with my parents, grand-parents, and friend-of-the-blog (plus friend in the non-cyber world) Tom Long.
In addition to sports, music was a big passion of my grandfather. He frequently went to expos to buy and sell 78s, which he would convert to cassette tapes. Although the only real music I shared with my grandfather and Dad was Willie Nelson. Both of them showed me that you could still enjoy music as a major part of your life after the age of 30. I somehow had it in my mind that music was a sport of the young and, once you reached a certain, you pretty much gave it up and settled into a pattern of just listening to whatever happened to pop up on Magic 104 or Lite FM.
For all this and more, I will miss Grandpa Desmond greatly.
My grandfather was very loyal to his family, especially my grandmother. He spent a lot of time and love taking care of her in the past decade as it became increasingly difficult for her to take care of herself. He always made time to spend with his grandchildren, especially when my cousins, my sister, and I would construct very elaborate imaginary scenarios in which we would invite him to participate and/or witness. These ranged from weddings to newscasts to talent shows to super-hero battles to criminal trials and lawsuits. In one particularly memorable criminal trial, in which he was the judge, and I was a 9 year old defendant newly convicted of robbery, I tried to bribe him to change the verdict for a dollar, but he had to explain to me why that was wrong and/or illegal. He was pretty much the reason why I didn't become the next Rod Blagojevich.
Speaking of politics, my grandfather had a great deal of influence over my political beliefs-- not so much my actual political orientation, which, in some ways, is the opposite of my grandfather's-- but the idea that it's important to understand politics, and to not just have opinions, but to have opinions that are well thought out and based on a knowledge of history. He and my dad also both taught me that it's important to respect and understand multiple sides of an issue and to not have a simplistic ideology regardless of your political perspective, which is an idea that's in very short supply in a world where politics is just another form of poorly done entertainment.
The desire to be knowledgeable about things is another value that my grandfather helped instill. Although my grandmother's books formed the bulk of the 820 Wonderview library, Grandpa boasted a comprehensive collection himself. One summer I tore through a book of his called The Story of the Irish Race, by Seumas Macmanus. It taught me a lot about Irish history and my Irish heritage. I have my own copy of it now, as a gift from Steve Schiller.
I also learned a lot about sports from my grandfather-- not so much about actually playing sports, which my lack of strength and endurance discouraged me from doing, but about watching sports, especially the Cubs, which were his favorite team, and against whom I may have a lifetime resentment for failing to win a World Series for the entire 89 years he was alive. But watching games with him on TV, I learned a great deal about sports analysis, of players, and also of the knowledge (or lack thereof) of the broadcasters. Like all right-thinking Americans, he watched Harry Caray with a mixture of bemusement and frustration at his alcohol-fueled broadcasts. My parents and grand-parents also time-shared season's tickets at Wrigley Field, and I have a lot of good memories of watching Cubs games with my parents, grand-parents, and friend-of-the-blog (plus friend in the non-cyber world) Tom Long.
In addition to sports, music was a big passion of my grandfather. He frequently went to expos to buy and sell 78s, which he would convert to cassette tapes. Although the only real music I shared with my grandfather and Dad was Willie Nelson. Both of them showed me that you could still enjoy music as a major part of your life after the age of 30. I somehow had it in my mind that music was a sport of the young and, once you reached a certain, you pretty much gave it up and settled into a pattern of just listening to whatever happened to pop up on Magic 104 or Lite FM.
For all this and more, I will miss Grandpa Desmond greatly.
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