BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-28-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and the whiniest quarterback since… Jay Cutler. Will the Bears play four solid quarter of football, minus a scary last two minutes of regulation? Or will Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton experience a redemption not seen since… Jay Cutler? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Woodsy Owl” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last game, the Bears nearly collapsed from exhaustion in the last two minutes of the game. What must they do to revitalize themselves down the stretch? Forget your land-lubbing remedies of Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, or crystal meth. Forget even the powerful stimulant khat used by the modern-day Somali pirates. Floggings, floggings, floggings be the answer to heightened alertness. Whether it be a cat o’ nine tails, or a savage peg-leg beating, nothing revives the dragging soul like a whipping.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Well, Des, either I passed out and woke up at a Raiders game again, or Bears fans are celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year. I’m seeing a lot of either Paul Ryan or that one guy from Fox Sports… is it Joe Buck?
Des: Sally McChesty. How did your interview with Cam Newton go?
SMC: Predictably annoying, as always. Actually, Des, while he was blathering on about something inconsequential, I was turning my thoughts to the Bears problems with focus during the last two minutes of the game, and I came up with a new drink called “Hyper-Maniacal Focus Factor Mark XII.” I consumed it myself shortly before this interview, and I can actually hear my fingernails growing! Maybe I should dial down the amount of Dimethylbarbituanoloxymandilase in my next batch.
Des: I don’t know, Sally, it sounds like you might have just invented another printing press of money based on human misery. Speaking of which, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as a backdrop to a future flashback of 2012, featuring Hurricane Sandy, Obama and Romney, and the Mayan apocalypse.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Bears vs. Lions: 10-22-12
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-22-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-7-2012
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 10-7-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Bears vs. Cowboys: 10-1-12
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 10-1-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys as both teams stand atop their divisions with 2-1 records. Will the Bears repeat last week’s victory formula of strong defense, solid field goal kicking, and an offense that showed flashes of competence? Or will Tony Romo be able to “control what [he] can control” and send Bears fandom into an over-reactive power dive of despair?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tippi Turtle” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and what passes for gender equality in the NFL: Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye will address me as Senator Roobaert, for that will soon be me job title and plausible alias after the November 6 election.
Des: Captain, are you running as a Tea Party candidate?
SR: Nay! As much as I would enjoy the endorsement from the party named after an event of piracy, the Tea Party name has exhausted its usefulness as a clever rebranding of the Republican Party. Now the Republicans need yet another American Revolution-themed brand name. I’m thinking of calling ourselves the “John Paul Jones” Party.
Des: That’s actually fairly clever, Captain, since he’s famous for saying “I have not yet begun to fight.” That’s a built-in rallying cry.
SR: It may be more appropriate to call us the “Intolerable Acts” Party once you see the legislation we’ll be enacting. But the media will be too focused on my cleverly disguised distraction that, when you type in “Roobaert”, spell-check transforms it to “Boob art”.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears continue to struggle on offense, Matt Forte remains injured, and Tony Romo is harder to kill than some horrible Clint Eastwood/Chuck Norris/Doctor Who hybrid. But the Cowboys also have a player named “Dez”. Therefore, Bears win 54-3.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Numerous ancient faiths and civilizations celebrate harvest holidays at this time of year. Since most of you pathetic Westerners have no idea where food comes from, it would be most fitting to have the horrible “Soylent Green Revelation Day”.
Des: All right. So far we have two members of our BEARS panel that have not even commented on FOOTBALL!! Sally McChesty. Did your interview with Paul Ryan make a passing reference to football?
SMC: Des, my Paul Ryan interview started with a tortured comparison between the replacement referees and Barack Obama. The exact quote was, "It's time to get the real refs. And do you know what; it reminds me of President Obama and the economy. If you can't get it right, it's time to get out." Then he started to make other random comparisons. “And what does the ‘check engine’ light remind me of? Barack Obama. ATM fees? Barack Obama. Trying to program your VCR? Barack Obama. Mismatched socks? Barack Obama.”
Des: Hey, those are some good comedy stylings. Here’s a good one: What does the Rubric’s Cube remind me of? Barack Obama.
SMC: Are you sure it doesn’t remind you of Walter Mondale, Captain Flashback?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a Monday Night matchup that might tear people away from “Dancing with the Stars” if they didn’t feature more Dallas Cowboys all stars!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys as both teams stand atop their divisions with 2-1 records. Will the Bears repeat last week’s victory formula of strong defense, solid field goal kicking, and an offense that showed flashes of competence? Or will Tony Romo be able to “control what [he] can control” and send Bears fandom into an over-reactive power dive of despair?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tippi Turtle” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and what passes for gender equality in the NFL: Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye will address me as Senator Roobaert, for that will soon be me job title and plausible alias after the November 6 election.
Des: Captain, are you running as a Tea Party candidate?
SR: Nay! As much as I would enjoy the endorsement from the party named after an event of piracy, the Tea Party name has exhausted its usefulness as a clever rebranding of the Republican Party. Now the Republicans need yet another American Revolution-themed brand name. I’m thinking of calling ourselves the “John Paul Jones” Party.
Des: That’s actually fairly clever, Captain, since he’s famous for saying “I have not yet begun to fight.” That’s a built-in rallying cry.
SR: It may be more appropriate to call us the “Intolerable Acts” Party once you see the legislation we’ll be enacting. But the media will be too focused on my cleverly disguised distraction that, when you type in “Roobaert”, spell-check transforms it to “Boob art”.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears continue to struggle on offense, Matt Forte remains injured, and Tony Romo is harder to kill than some horrible Clint Eastwood/Chuck Norris/Doctor Who hybrid. But the Cowboys also have a player named “Dez”. Therefore, Bears win 54-3.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Numerous ancient faiths and civilizations celebrate harvest holidays at this time of year. Since most of you pathetic Westerners have no idea where food comes from, it would be most fitting to have the horrible “Soylent Green Revelation Day”.
Des: All right. So far we have two members of our BEARS panel that have not even commented on FOOTBALL!! Sally McChesty. Did your interview with Paul Ryan make a passing reference to football?
SMC: Des, my Paul Ryan interview started with a tortured comparison between the replacement referees and Barack Obama. The exact quote was, "It's time to get the real refs. And do you know what; it reminds me of President Obama and the economy. If you can't get it right, it's time to get out." Then he started to make other random comparisons. “And what does the ‘check engine’ light remind me of? Barack Obama. ATM fees? Barack Obama. Trying to program your VCR? Barack Obama. Mismatched socks? Barack Obama.”
Des: Hey, those are some good comedy stylings. Here’s a good one: What does the Rubric’s Cube remind me of? Barack Obama.
SMC: Are you sure it doesn’t remind you of Walter Mondale, Captain Flashback?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a Monday Night matchup that might tear people away from “Dancing with the Stars” if they didn’t feature more Dallas Cowboys all stars!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Bears vs. Rams: 9-23-12
BEARS VS. RAMS: 9-23-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!
SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?
Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.
Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.
Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.
Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?
SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.
Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!
SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?
Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.
Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.
Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.
Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?
SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.
Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Bears vs. Colts: 9-9-12
BEARS VS. COLTS: 9-9-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?
SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.
Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.
Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.
SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.
Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?
SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.
Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.
Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.
SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.
Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!
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