BEARS VS. SAINTS: 9-18-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.
Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?
SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.
SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.
Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Bears vs. Falcons: 9-11-11
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 9-11-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 1-23-11
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-23-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Bears vs. Seahawks: 1-16-11
BEARS VS. SEAHWAKS: 1-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.
Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.
Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 01-02-2011
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-2-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?
CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!
Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?
CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!
Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots
Bears vs. Jets: 12-26-10
BEARS VS. JETS: 12-26-10
SR: Arrrhh!!! Mateys, I'll just cut to the chase: Des was too busy making merry this Yuletide season to develop a post... and "develop" is the correct word, as these posts are not "written", as the average person would understand the term, but are indeed developed in a red-lit closet. Anyway, you will soon receive a post previewing the Bears/Packers game if the Internet connection gods be kind.
Sincerely,
Captain Silas Charles "Snuggles" Redbeard
SR: Arrrhh!!! Mateys, I'll just cut to the chase: Des was too busy making merry this Yuletide season to develop a post... and "develop" is the correct word, as these posts are not "written", as the average person would understand the term, but are indeed developed in a red-lit closet. Anyway, you will soon receive a post previewing the Bears/Packers game if the Internet connection gods be kind.
Sincerely,
Captain Silas Charles "Snuggles" Redbeard
Monday, December 20, 2010
Bears vs. Vikings: 12-20-2010
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-20-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a heartbreaking loss to the New England Patriots. Could this be a much-needed bounce-back against Captain Methuselah and his hellscape rent-a-stadium? Or will this be another step on the slippery slope slip sliding away from playoff action? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dark Angel" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to hang my head in shame as I review how me playoff picks in September are performing in December. In the AFC, I can look on with pride at my playoff picks the Jets and Ravens who are poised to enter the playoffs. Sadly, I can only turn my head in disgust at my other playoff selections, the Texans, Broncos, Bills, and Browns. I am especially disheartened at the Broncos. I thought this was Neckbeard’s year!
SR: I did a little better in the NFC. Four of my five selections appear to be post-season bound: the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and the Rams, who have a, uh, dominating (?) record of 6-8. Sadly, the 49ers and Lions continue to be major disappointments. Well, okay, a 4-10 record for the Lions is rebuilding. By 2016, the Lions should make it to the first round of the playoffs… where they will be as promptly skewered as the marlin I single-handedly wrestled onto me vessel!
Des: Nice one, Ernest Hemingway-breath. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Margaret Mead once said, “It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” That’s especially true of Bears quarterbacks!
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Minnesota?
CP: Des, if you divide Brett Favre’s age by the number of offensive text messages he sent and multiply it by the number of Bears failed third down attempts, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 105.9.
Des: Concord, does 105.9FM play all the classics, plus the best new rock?
CP: Des, WCKG stopped playing classic rock 14 years ago. Get with the times!
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "Those who live in the past are cowards and losers". By the way, come see me at Bert Wyman Ford for a reunion with my old buddies from the 1985 Superbowl Bears, and maybe you’ll see us do the Superbowl Shuffle!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a magic 8 ball… it’s comfortingly predictable.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you face your own mortality as you watch Brett Favre play quarterback.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a heartbreaking loss to the New England Patriots. Could this be a much-needed bounce-back against Captain Methuselah and his hellscape rent-a-stadium? Or will this be another step on the slippery slope slip sliding away from playoff action? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dark Angel" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to hang my head in shame as I review how me playoff picks in September are performing in December. In the AFC, I can look on with pride at my playoff picks the Jets and Ravens who are poised to enter the playoffs. Sadly, I can only turn my head in disgust at my other playoff selections, the Texans, Broncos, Bills, and Browns. I am especially disheartened at the Broncos. I thought this was Neckbeard’s year!
SR: I did a little better in the NFC. Four of my five selections appear to be post-season bound: the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and the Rams, who have a, uh, dominating (?) record of 6-8. Sadly, the 49ers and Lions continue to be major disappointments. Well, okay, a 4-10 record for the Lions is rebuilding. By 2016, the Lions should make it to the first round of the playoffs… where they will be as promptly skewered as the marlin I single-handedly wrestled onto me vessel!
Des: Nice one, Ernest Hemingway-breath. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Margaret Mead once said, “It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” That’s especially true of Bears quarterbacks!
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Minnesota?
CP: Des, if you divide Brett Favre’s age by the number of offensive text messages he sent and multiply it by the number of Bears failed third down attempts, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 105.9.
Des: Concord, does 105.9FM play all the classics, plus the best new rock?
CP: Des, WCKG stopped playing classic rock 14 years ago. Get with the times!
Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.
Ditka: "Those who live in the past are cowards and losers". By the way, come see me at Bert Wyman Ford for a reunion with my old buddies from the 1985 Superbowl Bears, and maybe you’ll see us do the Superbowl Shuffle!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a magic 8 ball… it’s comfortingly predictable.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you face your own mortality as you watch Brett Favre play quarterback.
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