BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-25-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against a resurgent Minnesota Vikings after a beat down from the San Francisco 49ers. Will the return of Jay Cutler restore some life to the Bears offense, or will one name resound throughout Chicagoland as the Bears’ only hope? Neckbeard… Neckbeard… NECKBEARD!!! To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Muscle Hamster” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 12 Steps to Comedy himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye might assume that I’d be cheering on the Vikings, since they indulge in boat-based plundering, but their purple uniforms inspire nothing but disgust, much like the old turquoise Tampa Bay Buccaneers outfits! Now there be a sartorial choice that inspired naught but losing records for a generation!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears offense is 31st in the league in passing yards and 30th in overall yardage, and Adrian Peterson is unstoppable. That said, the Bears will still win 63-4.
Des: So the Vikings will get two safeties? I wouldn’t bet that in Vegas. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I managed to get Mall of America Field confused with the Mall of America, so I’ve been drunkenly shambling from department store to department store watching the game until the security guards chase me out. Go Bears!
Des: Also, the Bears don’t play in Minnesota until December 9th.
DMD: Oops.
Des: Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: I don’t know what Captain Redbeard’s problem is with the Vikings’ uniforms. Did you know that the Phoenicians built their entire civilization on purple? They were famed in Classical Greece and Rome as 'traders in purple', referring to their monopoly on the precious purple dye of the Murex snail, used, among other things, for royal clothing, and for their spread of the alphabet (or abjad), from which all major modern phonetic alphabets are derived.
SR: Arrh, matey! That be some good cuttin’ and pasting from Wikipedia!
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. What disturbing praise do you have to lavish upon me this holiday season?
PM: Des, your body of work is simultaneously calculating and inspired. Your potent charisma issues a desperate cry for help to the entire 21st century while also transcending the constraints of cultural space and time.
Des: Uh, okay… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will continue the storied rivalry between the Windy City and the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. Personally, I was disappointed that Schaumburg surrendered the oversized mall race to the Mall of America. I wanted a monstrously huge mall that could be seen from space!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Bears vs. 49ers: 11-19-2012
BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-19-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.
Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.
Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?
PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.
Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.
Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?
PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Bears vs. Texans: 11-11-12
BEARS VS. TEXANS: 11-11-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?
Des: 2012.
DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.
Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?
DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.
Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?
SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?
PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.
Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.
Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?
Des: 2012.
DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.
Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?
DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.
Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?
SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?
PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.
Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.
Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Bears vs. Titans: 11-4-2012
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-4-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Bears vs. Panthers: 10-28-12
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-28-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and the whiniest quarterback since… Jay Cutler. Will the Bears play four solid quarter of football, minus a scary last two minutes of regulation? Or will Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton experience a redemption not seen since… Jay Cutler? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Woodsy Owl” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last game, the Bears nearly collapsed from exhaustion in the last two minutes of the game. What must they do to revitalize themselves down the stretch? Forget your land-lubbing remedies of Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, or crystal meth. Forget even the powerful stimulant khat used by the modern-day Somali pirates. Floggings, floggings, floggings be the answer to heightened alertness. Whether it be a cat o’ nine tails, or a savage peg-leg beating, nothing revives the dragging soul like a whipping.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Well, Des, either I passed out and woke up at a Raiders game again, or Bears fans are celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year. I’m seeing a lot of either Paul Ryan or that one guy from Fox Sports… is it Joe Buck?
Des: Sally McChesty. How did your interview with Cam Newton go?
SMC: Predictably annoying, as always. Actually, Des, while he was blathering on about something inconsequential, I was turning my thoughts to the Bears problems with focus during the last two minutes of the game, and I came up with a new drink called “Hyper-Maniacal Focus Factor Mark XII.” I consumed it myself shortly before this interview, and I can actually hear my fingernails growing! Maybe I should dial down the amount of Dimethylbarbituanoloxymandilase in my next batch.
Des: I don’t know, Sally, it sounds like you might have just invented another printing press of money based on human misery. Speaking of which, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as a backdrop to a future flashback of 2012, featuring Hurricane Sandy, Obama and Romney, and the Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and the whiniest quarterback since… Jay Cutler. Will the Bears play four solid quarter of football, minus a scary last two minutes of regulation? Or will Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton experience a redemption not seen since… Jay Cutler? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Woodsy Owl” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last game, the Bears nearly collapsed from exhaustion in the last two minutes of the game. What must they do to revitalize themselves down the stretch? Forget your land-lubbing remedies of Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, or crystal meth. Forget even the powerful stimulant khat used by the modern-day Somali pirates. Floggings, floggings, floggings be the answer to heightened alertness. Whether it be a cat o’ nine tails, or a savage peg-leg beating, nothing revives the dragging soul like a whipping.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Well, Des, either I passed out and woke up at a Raiders game again, or Bears fans are celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year. I’m seeing a lot of either Paul Ryan or that one guy from Fox Sports… is it Joe Buck?
Des: Sally McChesty. How did your interview with Cam Newton go?
SMC: Predictably annoying, as always. Actually, Des, while he was blathering on about something inconsequential, I was turning my thoughts to the Bears problems with focus during the last two minutes of the game, and I came up with a new drink called “Hyper-Maniacal Focus Factor Mark XII.” I consumed it myself shortly before this interview, and I can actually hear my fingernails growing! Maybe I should dial down the amount of Dimethylbarbituanoloxymandilase in my next batch.
Des: I don’t know, Sally, it sounds like you might have just invented another printing press of money based on human misery. Speaking of which, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as a backdrop to a future flashback of 2012, featuring Hurricane Sandy, Obama and Romney, and the Mayan apocalypse.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Bears vs. Lions: 10-22-12
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-22-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-7-2012
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 10-7-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
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