Bears vs. Packers: 9-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Chapter MCMLVI of the world’s greatest sports rivalry in the history of the universe! Will the Bears harden in concrete the winning puzzle pieces of a consistent passing game, error-free special teams, and a competent defense? Or will Aaron Rogers throw touchdown passes in the same robotic fashion he uses when delivering straight lines on State Farm commercials?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Cool Ranch Dorito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and our pale shadow of Dean Martin, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! After spending hours at the bedside of ailing North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in which we traded mystical objects that would make the darkest nightmares of H.P. Lovecraft seem pleasant by comparison, I bring to thee unsuspecting landlubbers the Chum Bucket of the NFL: the team that will fail to win a single game this season. It deeply shames me that two of the winless NFL teams are the Buccaneers and the Raiders. Ne’er the less, the one team that will not win a single game this year will be the Jacksonville Jaguars. Florida was not meant to support three football teams, maybe not even two.

Des: Captain, last year, you predicted that Washington wouldn’t win a single game. While a 3-13 record is nothing to be proud of, the Texans did worse with a 2-14 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I decided last year that having Dan Snyder’s team lose every game wasn’t cruel enough. Part of this year’s Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble involves having Washington win 3 games in a row midseason and then losing the rest to finish off with a 4-12 record, which would be one game shy of winning the division. That “honor” will go to the Cowboys, who will win the NFC East Division with a 5-11 season.

Des: A sad vision of things to come. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, while the Packers had a tough outing against the Lions, Aaron Rogers is still one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the Bears run defense is dangerously weak, and the Packers have had the Bears’ number for a while now, even at Soldier Field. That said, the Bears still win 35-11.

Des: Wait... Concord, how do you expect the Packers to score 11 points?

Concord: 3 field goals and a safety. Or a field goal plus a touchdown with a 2-point conversion. What am I, Des, the Shell Answer Man?

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty, what’s your prescription for a Bears victory?

Sally: Prescription? Oh, I get it. Because I’m a doctor. No, Des, my doctorate is in Sports Business Management… which, come to think of it, does involve dispensing a lot of pain medication.

Des: Speaking of self-medication, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I’m in Soldier Field jail again because, apparently, setting fire to a Cheesehead hat and urinating on its ashes while a Packers fan is still wearing it, isn’t considered an “appropriate” way to show team spirit.

Des: Prissy Minion, put a merciful end to this.

Prissy: Des, your transition from teen idol to sports commentator legend combines the best elements of bad girl Miley Cyrus to the matriarchal purity of Hillary Duff.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much more enjoyable if you mute the tortured logic chain leading to nowhere funny that is otherwise known as this year’s Miller Lite commercials.

Bears vs. Jets: 9-22-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Jets after a surprising upset of the once-dominant 49ers fueled by a lust for revenge after Cutler’s helmet-to-chest plate injury. Will Jay Cutler endure another injury to spur the Bears to victory? Or will Rex Ryan’s rambling tirades and empty promises also prove inspirational… to the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Emperor of Scotland” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and “hero” of the half-keg, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has made a career of exploiting me self-inflicted wounds, both physical and emotional, I welcome this new strategy of Cutler to inspire his team via overcoming crippling injury. May I suggest acquiring a peg leg or glass eye? What ye lose in mobility and depth perception, ye more than make up with loyalty and steadfastness of yer crew!

Des: At the risk of poking very large holes in what you laughably call a managerial opus, Captain, don’t you have to brutally beat down a mutiny on a daily basis?

SR: Ye can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, if by “omelet” ye mean “a modestly successful voyage”, and by “eggs” ye mean “the entire crew”. And a few horses ye have to throw overboard.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 0-20 when they play in stadiums named after insurance companies that exploit holes in Medicaid coverage.  That said, the Bears will win 30-7.

Des: Modre! Cram some comedy into the casing of NFL references.

Modre: It is better to dance lightly across the astro-turf of human emotion than suffocate numbly beneath the sheltering darkness of the replay hood.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. What’s your opinion of Roger Goodell’s news conference regarding the numerous domestic abuse accusations and videos in the news?

SMC: Didn’t you get the memo from the NFL, Des? Female football broadcasters only provide facts; we do not provide any analysis, interpretation, or context. That’s for the men folk.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I left John’s Garage in 2005 and haven’t found my way home since.

Des: Coming from anyone else, that would sound strangely poignant. Prissy Minion. Seal this in concrete, won’t you?

Prissy: If you like your negative and positive emotions numb, then you’ve come to the right place.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may cause you to turn around, bright eyes, away from the newest episode of The Big Bang Theory or the Simpsons marathon on F quadruple X.

Bears vs. 49ers: 9-14-2014

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 9-14-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers after an embarrassing loss to the terrible Buffalo Bills. Will the Bears find one healthy receiver, an acceptable defense, and a coach who can show Jay Cutler how to throw to his own team? Or will tonight’s game be naught be an awkward acknowledgement of the latest crime against humanity conducted by an NFL player, owner, or coach?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wood Rot” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and passed out speed bump, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Tremble before me delirious visions of futures too terrible to behold as I unfurl me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, which, out of sheer laziness, is actually a pencil maze from a Happy Meal originally entitled “Treasure Map to Childhood Obesity”, which starts with a Big Mac and ends with a fat kid, which then goes on to an insulin needle and a bottle of Lipitor. But I digest.

In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chiefs proudly displaying divisional banners, whilst the Patriots and Broncos saunter into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Bears, Saints, and 49ers will dominate their divisions. The NFC East is so awful that the Cowboys will triumph with a 7-9 record. The Seahawks and Panthers will be stained with the shame of entering as wild cards. Gasp with disbelief as  I reveal this startling conclusion to the 2014 football season: The 49ers will defeat the Chiefs in this year’s Super Bowl.

Des: Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that your AFC picks were almost identical to last year’s and that didn’t work out too well for you. What gives?

Redbeard: Well, Des, ‘tis like the lottery player who plays the same numbers every day for 60 years: you have to get lucky at some point.

Des: And what about the Bears? Did you pick them just to be nice?

Redbeard: After our very, very long association, Des, ye know better than anyone that there be nothing “nice” about me. Nay, me prediction is based solely upon my dark certainty that the Packers be one Aaron Rogers away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, the 49ers are one of the most dominant teams in the league, while the Bears are one of the most dominant teams in turning the ball over to their opponents. That said, Bears win 44-10.

Des: Wow. That’s the lowest margin of victory you’ve ever predicted. I’m scared! Modre. What Chinese fortune cookie are you plagiarizing this time?

Modre: As Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser…” in bed!

Des: Sally McChesty. What’s your take on the Bears’ struggling defense?

SMC: Well, Des, a wise person once said that a fish rots from the head down. Fire Mel Tucker!

Des:  Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

DMD: Well, Des, here in the… in thee.. (whoah) tailgate, uhhhh (burp) shed, we’ve been debating the David Duchovny ad for some kind of Russian beer in Russia, and, uhhhhh Go Bears!

Des: As coherent as always, Drunky! Prissy Minion. Try to dial down the disturbing-ness.

PM: Des, your style of comedy is a beautiful homage everything wrong with our pop culture 30 years ago.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will still manage to beat the Miss America Pageant in the ratings… mostly because no one remembers that it still exists. Also, it’s called a “competition” now, not a “pageant”, you rube!

Bears vs. Bills: 9-7-2014

BEARS VS. BILLS: 9-7-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Buffalo Bills in a bombastic battle of Biblical bombastitude fully in keeping with the Mighty Marvel Madmen’s tradition of aggressively annoying alliteration. Will Marc Trestman finally weave into place all the pieces of the Bears tapestry of offense, defense, special teams and other formerly loose threads into a magnificent puzzle, revealing the Vince Lombardi trophy? Or will the Bills somehow pull together a convincing enough victory to price the team beyond the grasping hands of Jon Bon Jovi?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Coco Crisp” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Thanks to a court-ordered drug regimen of Risperdal, Zyprexa, Haldol, and too many other anti-psychotic medications too numerous to count, let alone name, me ability to predict the future of the Bears this season be significantly blunted. But ne’er the less, prepare to take heed: The Bears will go 11-5 this year, defeating all of their AFC foes, which include the Bills, Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots. They will also soundly destroy the Cowboys, Falcons, and, sadly, the Buccaneers, plus their divisional foes the Vikings and Lions twice. Unfortunately, the Bears will fail against the might of the 49ers, Panthers, and Saints, and Aaron Rogers will manage to beat the Bears despite having career-ending injuries in both games.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears barely fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw a 9-7 season, but the Bears walked away with an 8-8 record.

SR: Aye. This year, I think Jay Cutler will exceed expectations by playing two consecutive games this season. That be my “key to victory”. Or is that me “Treasure Map to the Super Bowl”? I think that be next week’s episode. Stay tuned all of your numerous electronic devices, ye treacherous land lubbers!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bills have developed a murderous no huddle offense, Nigel Bradham is a very fast and powerful lineman, and E.J. Manuel is an acceptable quarterback. On the other hand, the Bills’ coach said that rookie offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio blocks like Venus De Milo, so I think we’re okay. Bears win 34- 9.

Des: Modre. I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: I have just completed reading the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, which alleges that the publisher warned Hawking that “for every equation in the book, the readership would be halved.” Behold the revised equation of comedy: tragedy + time = comedy, but tragedy + time X awareness of the comedy equation = ½ comedy. Presumably this is an infinite regression.

Des: Speaking of infinite regression, here’s Sally McChesty presenting the handful of celebrities who are still waiting their turn to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Sally, who’s left as a… heh, heh… washed-up celebrity?

SMC: Way to belittle a bunch of people who are just trying to help, Des. Now it’s my turn to jump in! We have Dennis Miller, Adrien Brody, and Christian Slater, all about to receive a dunking in well-earned obscurity. However, a warning to you Hollywood TV producers out there: Do not use your dark alchemy to turn these losers into dramatic gold a la Breaking Bad or Damages.

Des: Oh, the irony of an obscure reference maestro reduced to naught but a random throwaway micron of comedic trivia! Sit back and watch on your weird wrist phone or eye piece or magic giant ring or false tooth interface as the Bears face off in a game that will be littered with commercials featuring hallucinogenic properties that exceed the combined drug-induced ravings of Hunter S. Thompson, William S. Burrows, and Ken Kesey.

Bears vs. Packers: 12-29-2013

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-29-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a match they must win to propel themselves into the playoffs. Will the Bears pull off a shocking upset be having Devin Hester make 10 returns for touchdowns, offensive flim-flammery in which no one knows who the quarterback is, not even the offense, Robbie Gould scoring 20 field goals, and a defense that holds Aaron Rogers to 70 points? Or will the Bears suffer a crushing defeat, triggering wholesale changes that replace everybody but Robbie Gould?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Monkey” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and charter member of Alcoholics Hilarious, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Me New Years’ resolution is not to change in any way, but to further accentuate my worst traits, the most annoying of which is to rely on increasingly obscure deities to predict the outcome of football games. Oh, Sekmet, ye lion-headed Egyptian goddess of destruction, what be your revelation for today’s Bears game? What’s that? Apparently, Sekmet is easily appeased by a 6 pack of beer colored to look like blood, so... no help there. Uh, Bears win 45-31.

Des: Modre?

Modre: While I am typically angered by the traditional western ritual of making false promises of self-improvement at the beginning of the year, I am intrigued by Captain Redbeard’s horrible corruption of this annual rite and wish to emulate it by doubling down on my worst trait of misapplying proverbs to analyze the Bears: For example, a wise man once said, “A poor workman always blames his tools.” Or, if you’re a Bears quarterback, his offensive line.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears have everything against them today: The defense can’t stop the run, Aaron Rogers is back as quarterback of the Packers, Chicago still lacks a consistent quarterback and offensive line, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a “must win” game this decade. That said, the Bears will still win 130-70.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Right now I’m stuck in “DUI Roadblock Land.” Time to abandon another rental car!

Des: Doctor McChesty. What do have for us?

Sally: What don’t I have? Oh, right. Any respect for this sport whatsoever.

Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thoughts?

Prissy: Des, your blog posts are a lesson in pedagogy: With endless practice and error, one can achieve majesty.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine my level of interest in next week’s playoff games.

Readability Grade level: 8.3

Bears vs. Eagles: 12-22-2013

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 12-22-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a match that is no longer a “must-win” game, thanks to every NFC North team losing in today’s earlier action. Will the Bears take advantage of this release in pressure to tighten things up on offense and special teams, while trying desperately to construct something that resembles a defense? Or will the Bears relax too much, losing the last two games of the season, clearing a path for the Green Bay Packers to magically win another Superbowl?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Black Manta” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and avatar of Christmas Capitalism, Santa Claus.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! The Bears stand poised to clinch the NFC North with naught but an 8-6 record. What could they do to mess things up, a la Charlie Brown, in every Peanuts special and comic? First, they could have a wonderful time with the little red-haired girl, dance with everyone and be the life of the party, then inexplicably have a complete blackout and totally forget having done anything. Second, just before winning the game, Jay Cutler could make a speech endorsing the Great Pumpkin, and everyone would laugh at him, causing him to leave the football field in shame. Third, Coach Trestman could have some kind of rash on his head in the pattern of a football, which would force him to wear a sack on his hand, causing him to be nicknamed “Coach Sack”, whom the Bears would unquestionably follow throughout the playoffs to victory. Then, just before the NFC championship game, thinking his rash had cleared up, he would remove the sack, revealing his transformation into Dave Wannstedt, causing the Bears to question themselves, but still maintaining a tight game until, finally and most predictably, Adam Podlesh pulls the football away from Robbie Gould when he tries to kick the game winning field goal.

Des: That summarizes the Charlie Brown oeuvre nicely, Redbeard. Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

Sally McChesty: Des, there’s been a lot of criticism about NFL trying too hard to protect their players with recent rule changes. The way I see it, there are three possible outcomes to this trend:

1. By 2017, all NFL players will wear giant foam suits and bounce off of each other, like that girl who inflated into a giant ball in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This will be successfully blamed on President Hillary Clinton.

2. All NFL players-- past, present, and future, living and dead-- will be plugged into some sort of “matrix” and every game will be virtual. Despite every player being converted into ones and zeroes, 45 minutes of every game will still be taken up by replay review.

Q. The NFL will be replaced by a revived XFL and will take place inside the “Octagon” and there won’t be any actual throwing of footballs or any other use of a football, just a lot of punching and kicking and chair throwing, but with all of the other pagan-try of football. And I deliberately misspelled “pageantry” as “pagan-try” because Des has inexplicably, and in mid-sentence, decided to rewrite my character as a Christian Fundamentalist. That should go well.

Des: Modre?

Modre: I completely disagree with Sally McChesty. When the current generation of NFL fans dies off, soccer will finally emerge as the one true football in America.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts

Concord: Des, the Bears have won every game when they spot their foes 21 points in the first quarter, their time of possession is only 2:00 per game, and they allow their opponents to score on every offensive drive. Don’t ask me how, they just do.

Des: Santa Claus. Give me some Christmas cheer, preferably something in a fortified egg nog.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! The NFC North is my gift to the rest of the NFL.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will easily outperform Fox’s Sunday Night animation lineup in the ratings, a feat only matched by every other Sunday night program.

Readability Grade level: 10.2

Bears vs. Browns: 12-15-2013

BEARS VS. BROWNS: 12-15-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a savage beating of the Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football! Will Jay Cutler have a triumphant return to quarterbacking the Bears, building on the offensive foundation constructed by Josh McCown in his absence? Or will Cutler find himself reunited next year with Lovie Smith in Houston?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-velvet” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Des, we had a pre-show meeting without you and ended up writing a future best-selling holiday fun gift book: How to Ruin Everything.

Des: Wait, Captain. Last week, you had a Christmas party without me, and now you lunkheads managed to write a book?

Redbeard: Well, Des, it be not a book in the traditional sense of the term. It’s more like a collection of random, angry insights by the six of us with a hook that is as unyielding as the one that serves as me right hand: “From baby showers to funerals and everything in-between, this delightful book will provide all ye need to ruin every meaningful occasion.”

Des: Okay, Captain, I’ll bite: What’s your entry?

Redbeard: The perfect gift for a baby shower is one that questions the paternity of the baby.

Des: Sally?

Sally McChesty: An NFL coaching diversity committee made solely of multi-billionaire white men over the age of 70.

Des: Modre?

Modre: A Christmas gift that insults all religions and atheism.

Des: Concord, I’m sure I can count on you to tell us how to ruin the Bears.

Concord: Allow massive injuries to devastate the defense line of the Bears and create a meaningless quarterback controversy.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I’m sure you have more experience ruining events than all of us put together.

Drunky: Give me a 12 pack of Meister Brau and a random political topic, preferably gun control, and I’ll ruin every event.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, I went in the opposite direction. The only way to save everything is to include Des. Or also to ruin everything, but in a very artistic manner that would be a template for others for generations.

Des:  I figured as much. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which a magic 8 ball will decide who will be the Bears quarterback.

Readability Grade level: 8.5