Bears vs. 49ers: 9-14-2014

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 9-14-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers after an embarrassing loss to the terrible Buffalo Bills. Will the Bears find one healthy receiver, an acceptable defense, and a coach who can show Jay Cutler how to throw to his own team? Or will tonight’s game be naught be an awkward acknowledgement of the latest crime against humanity conducted by an NFL player, owner, or coach?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wood Rot” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and passed out speed bump, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Tremble before me delirious visions of futures too terrible to behold as I unfurl me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, which, out of sheer laziness, is actually a pencil maze from a Happy Meal originally entitled “Treasure Map to Childhood Obesity”, which starts with a Big Mac and ends with a fat kid, which then goes on to an insulin needle and a bottle of Lipitor. But I digest.

In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chiefs proudly displaying divisional banners, whilst the Patriots and Broncos saunter into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Bears, Saints, and 49ers will dominate their divisions. The NFC East is so awful that the Cowboys will triumph with a 7-9 record. The Seahawks and Panthers will be stained with the shame of entering as wild cards. Gasp with disbelief as  I reveal this startling conclusion to the 2014 football season: The 49ers will defeat the Chiefs in this year’s Super Bowl.

Des: Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that your AFC picks were almost identical to last year’s and that didn’t work out too well for you. What gives?

Redbeard: Well, Des, ‘tis like the lottery player who plays the same numbers every day for 60 years: you have to get lucky at some point.

Des: And what about the Bears? Did you pick them just to be nice?

Redbeard: After our very, very long association, Des, ye know better than anyone that there be nothing “nice” about me. Nay, me prediction is based solely upon my dark certainty that the Packers be one Aaron Rogers away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, the 49ers are one of the most dominant teams in the league, while the Bears are one of the most dominant teams in turning the ball over to their opponents. That said, Bears win 44-10.

Des: Wow. That’s the lowest margin of victory you’ve ever predicted. I’m scared! Modre. What Chinese fortune cookie are you plagiarizing this time?

Modre: As Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser…” in bed!

Des: Sally McChesty. What’s your take on the Bears’ struggling defense?

SMC: Well, Des, a wise person once said that a fish rots from the head down. Fire Mel Tucker!

Des:  Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

DMD: Well, Des, here in the… in thee.. (whoah) tailgate, uhhhh (burp) shed, we’ve been debating the David Duchovny ad for some kind of Russian beer in Russia, and, uhhhhh Go Bears!

Des: As coherent as always, Drunky! Prissy Minion. Try to dial down the disturbing-ness.

PM: Des, your style of comedy is a beautiful homage everything wrong with our pop culture 30 years ago.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will still manage to beat the Miss America Pageant in the ratings… mostly because no one remembers that it still exists. Also, it’s called a “competition” now, not a “pageant”, you rube!

Bears vs. Bills: 9-7-2014

BEARS VS. BILLS: 9-7-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Buffalo Bills in a bombastic battle of Biblical bombastitude fully in keeping with the Mighty Marvel Madmen’s tradition of aggressively annoying alliteration. Will Marc Trestman finally weave into place all the pieces of the Bears tapestry of offense, defense, special teams and other formerly loose threads into a magnificent puzzle, revealing the Vince Lombardi trophy? Or will the Bills somehow pull together a convincing enough victory to price the team beyond the grasping hands of Jon Bon Jovi?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Coco Crisp” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Thanks to a court-ordered drug regimen of Risperdal, Zyprexa, Haldol, and too many other anti-psychotic medications too numerous to count, let alone name, me ability to predict the future of the Bears this season be significantly blunted. But ne’er the less, prepare to take heed: The Bears will go 11-5 this year, defeating all of their AFC foes, which include the Bills, Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots. They will also soundly destroy the Cowboys, Falcons, and, sadly, the Buccaneers, plus their divisional foes the Vikings and Lions twice. Unfortunately, the Bears will fail against the might of the 49ers, Panthers, and Saints, and Aaron Rogers will manage to beat the Bears despite having career-ending injuries in both games.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears barely fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw a 9-7 season, but the Bears walked away with an 8-8 record.

SR: Aye. This year, I think Jay Cutler will exceed expectations by playing two consecutive games this season. That be my “key to victory”. Or is that me “Treasure Map to the Super Bowl”? I think that be next week’s episode. Stay tuned all of your numerous electronic devices, ye treacherous land lubbers!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bills have developed a murderous no huddle offense, Nigel Bradham is a very fast and powerful lineman, and E.J. Manuel is an acceptable quarterback. On the other hand, the Bills’ coach said that rookie offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio blocks like Venus De Milo, so I think we’re okay. Bears win 34- 9.

Des: Modre. I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: I have just completed reading the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, which alleges that the publisher warned Hawking that “for every equation in the book, the readership would be halved.” Behold the revised equation of comedy: tragedy + time = comedy, but tragedy + time X awareness of the comedy equation = ½ comedy. Presumably this is an infinite regression.

Des: Speaking of infinite regression, here’s Sally McChesty presenting the handful of celebrities who are still waiting their turn to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Sally, who’s left as a… heh, heh… washed-up celebrity?

SMC: Way to belittle a bunch of people who are just trying to help, Des. Now it’s my turn to jump in! We have Dennis Miller, Adrien Brody, and Christian Slater, all about to receive a dunking in well-earned obscurity. However, a warning to you Hollywood TV producers out there: Do not use your dark alchemy to turn these losers into dramatic gold a la Breaking Bad or Damages.

Des: Oh, the irony of an obscure reference maestro reduced to naught but a random throwaway micron of comedic trivia! Sit back and watch on your weird wrist phone or eye piece or magic giant ring or false tooth interface as the Bears face off in a game that will be littered with commercials featuring hallucinogenic properties that exceed the combined drug-induced ravings of Hunter S. Thompson, William S. Burrows, and Ken Kesey.

Bears vs. Packers: 12-29-2013

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-29-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a match they must win to propel themselves into the playoffs. Will the Bears pull off a shocking upset be having Devin Hester make 10 returns for touchdowns, offensive flim-flammery in which no one knows who the quarterback is, not even the offense, Robbie Gould scoring 20 field goals, and a defense that holds Aaron Rogers to 70 points? Or will the Bears suffer a crushing defeat, triggering wholesale changes that replace everybody but Robbie Gould?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Monkey” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and charter member of Alcoholics Hilarious, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Me New Years’ resolution is not to change in any way, but to further accentuate my worst traits, the most annoying of which is to rely on increasingly obscure deities to predict the outcome of football games. Oh, Sekmet, ye lion-headed Egyptian goddess of destruction, what be your revelation for today’s Bears game? What’s that? Apparently, Sekmet is easily appeased by a 6 pack of beer colored to look like blood, so... no help there. Uh, Bears win 45-31.

Des: Modre?

Modre: While I am typically angered by the traditional western ritual of making false promises of self-improvement at the beginning of the year, I am intrigued by Captain Redbeard’s horrible corruption of this annual rite and wish to emulate it by doubling down on my worst trait of misapplying proverbs to analyze the Bears: For example, a wise man once said, “A poor workman always blames his tools.” Or, if you’re a Bears quarterback, his offensive line.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears have everything against them today: The defense can’t stop the run, Aaron Rogers is back as quarterback of the Packers, Chicago still lacks a consistent quarterback and offensive line, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a “must win” game this decade. That said, the Bears will still win 130-70.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Right now I’m stuck in “DUI Roadblock Land.” Time to abandon another rental car!

Des: Doctor McChesty. What do have for us?

Sally: What don’t I have? Oh, right. Any respect for this sport whatsoever.

Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thoughts?

Prissy: Des, your blog posts are a lesson in pedagogy: With endless practice and error, one can achieve majesty.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine my level of interest in next week’s playoff games.

Readability Grade level: 8.3

Bears vs. Eagles: 12-22-2013

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 12-22-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a match that is no longer a “must-win” game, thanks to every NFC North team losing in today’s earlier action. Will the Bears take advantage of this release in pressure to tighten things up on offense and special teams, while trying desperately to construct something that resembles a defense? Or will the Bears relax too much, losing the last two games of the season, clearing a path for the Green Bay Packers to magically win another Superbowl?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Black Manta” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and avatar of Christmas Capitalism, Santa Claus.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! The Bears stand poised to clinch the NFC North with naught but an 8-6 record. What could they do to mess things up, a la Charlie Brown, in every Peanuts special and comic? First, they could have a wonderful time with the little red-haired girl, dance with everyone and be the life of the party, then inexplicably have a complete blackout and totally forget having done anything. Second, just before winning the game, Jay Cutler could make a speech endorsing the Great Pumpkin, and everyone would laugh at him, causing him to leave the football field in shame. Third, Coach Trestman could have some kind of rash on his head in the pattern of a football, which would force him to wear a sack on his hand, causing him to be nicknamed “Coach Sack”, whom the Bears would unquestionably follow throughout the playoffs to victory. Then, just before the NFC championship game, thinking his rash had cleared up, he would remove the sack, revealing his transformation into Dave Wannstedt, causing the Bears to question themselves, but still maintaining a tight game until, finally and most predictably, Adam Podlesh pulls the football away from Robbie Gould when he tries to kick the game winning field goal.

Des: That summarizes the Charlie Brown oeuvre nicely, Redbeard. Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

Sally McChesty: Des, there’s been a lot of criticism about NFL trying too hard to protect their players with recent rule changes. The way I see it, there are three possible outcomes to this trend:

1. By 2017, all NFL players will wear giant foam suits and bounce off of each other, like that girl who inflated into a giant ball in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This will be successfully blamed on President Hillary Clinton.

2. All NFL players-- past, present, and future, living and dead-- will be plugged into some sort of “matrix” and every game will be virtual. Despite every player being converted into ones and zeroes, 45 minutes of every game will still be taken up by replay review.

Q. The NFL will be replaced by a revived XFL and will take place inside the “Octagon” and there won’t be any actual throwing of footballs or any other use of a football, just a lot of punching and kicking and chair throwing, but with all of the other pagan-try of football. And I deliberately misspelled “pageantry” as “pagan-try” because Des has inexplicably, and in mid-sentence, decided to rewrite my character as a Christian Fundamentalist. That should go well.

Des: Modre?

Modre: I completely disagree with Sally McChesty. When the current generation of NFL fans dies off, soccer will finally emerge as the one true football in America.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts

Concord: Des, the Bears have won every game when they spot their foes 21 points in the first quarter, their time of possession is only 2:00 per game, and they allow their opponents to score on every offensive drive. Don’t ask me how, they just do.

Des: Santa Claus. Give me some Christmas cheer, preferably something in a fortified egg nog.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! The NFC North is my gift to the rest of the NFL.

Des:  Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will easily outperform Fox’s Sunday Night animation lineup in the ratings, a feat only matched by every other Sunday night program.

Readability Grade level: 10.2

Bears vs. Browns: 12-15-2013

BEARS VS. BROWNS: 12-15-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a savage beating of the Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football! Will Jay Cutler have a triumphant return to quarterbacking the Bears, building on the offensive foundation constructed by Josh McCown in his absence? Or will Cutler find himself reunited next year with Lovie Smith in Houston?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-velvet” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Des, we had a pre-show meeting without you and ended up writing a future best-selling holiday fun gift book: How to Ruin Everything.

Des: Wait, Captain. Last week, you had a Christmas party without me, and now you lunkheads managed to write a book?

Redbeard: Well, Des, it be not a book in the traditional sense of the term. It’s more like a collection of random, angry insights by the six of us with a hook that is as unyielding as the one that serves as me right hand: “From baby showers to funerals and everything in-between, this delightful book will provide all ye need to ruin every meaningful occasion.”

Des: Okay, Captain, I’ll bite: What’s your entry?

Redbeard: The perfect gift for a baby shower is one that questions the paternity of the baby.

Des: Sally?

Sally McChesty: An NFL coaching diversity committee made solely of multi-billionaire white men over the age of 70.

Des: Modre?

Modre: A Christmas gift that insults all religions and atheism.

Des: Concord, I’m sure I can count on you to tell us how to ruin the Bears.

Concord: Allow massive injuries to devastate the defense line of the Bears and create a meaningless quarterback controversy.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I’m sure you have more experience ruining events than all of us put together.

Drunky: Give me a 12 pack of Meister Brau and a random political topic, preferably gun control, and I’ll ruin every event.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, I went in the opposite direction. The only way to save everything is to include Des. Or also to ruin everything, but in a very artistic manner that would be a template for others for generations.

Des:  I figured as much. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which a magic 8 ball will decide who will be the Bears quarterback.

Readability Grade level: 8.5

Bears vs. Cowboys: December 9, 2013

Bears vs. Cowboys: 12/9/2013

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears Football Pregame Show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys after a tough overtime loss against the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears recover with either Jay Cutler or Josh McCown at the helm? Or will the call go forth: Bring back Jason Campbell, who was only a couple questionable referee calls away from beating the Patriots yesterday?

To answer these and similar questions is... just Captain Redbeard?

Redbeard: ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH, mateys! That's right, Des, we had a secret Christmas party without you and I sent everyone home early without your permission. The only one who objected was the Prissy Minion until I made up some story about DesCon V happening at the Rosemont Horizon, or whatever it's called these days, assuming it even exists. Maybe it's at Old Chicago or Lakehurst Mall.

During the course of the Christmas party, we recorded a new instant Yuletide classic: The Captain's Christmas Cavalcade of Holiday Horror, which already has at least 2 hits on YouTube, which be better than Yoko Ono's classic "Listen, the Snow is Falling", and Paul McCartney's "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reggae", which makes me bigger than the Beatles, and, therefore makes me bigger than Jesus, which is no small accomplishment on this festive holiday season.

To answer the question that dare not be spoken by a land lubber: Yes, I have recorded two holiday hits, both of which are Christmas counting songs. First, you have my version of the unending nightmare that is The 12 Days of Christmas. Except I tidy up a lot: It consists entirely of: "Twelve Keel-hauling, eleven cats of nine tails, five drunken rages!!!!" And then it just stops. I follow this up with the more obscure counting song Children Go Where I Send Thee: I'm gonna send thee three by three, three for the ships we plundered and burned, ten for the ten commandments (all of which we violated)." Me math sequential reasoning be not what it should be, for which I blame entirely on Common Core, which I'm already calling "Obama-math." You're welcome, Fox News.

Des: Redbeard, do you have anything to say about tonight's game?

Redbeard: Arrrrrhhh, Des! What does it matter at this point? While the Bears could easily walk away with the NFC North title with an 8-8 record, they'll just be destroyed by the Seahawks, or by Peyton Manning again in the Superbowl.

Des: If only I had the Prissy Minion or Sally McChesty to finish this.

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-1-2013

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-1-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a horrible loss, a savage beat down, from the St. Louis Rams, of all teams! Will the Bears manage to put a defense on the field this week, or will, uh, well I uh, well I uh...

Sally: It’s your own fault this blog sucks, Charlie Brown, because you’re so wishy-washy!

Des: ...or will Cade McNown, I mean-- heh, heh-- Josh McCown, somehow find a way to score 87 points so the Bears can have a 7 point margin of victory?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morocco Mole” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Despite the Bears performance last week, which was as uneven as every board that comprises me ship’s hull, I predict the Bears will still go 8-8 this season, defeating the Vikings today and somehow beating the Packers on December 29^th, thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team-- oh, and then they’ll also run the table during the playoffs-- thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team to be beaten by Peyton Manning twice during the Superbowl.

Des: That’s a grim assessment, Captain Redbeard. Um... Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, I just, uh, I just learned what the, uh, shotgun formation is, so this changes my perspective on everything related to football.

Des: Okay, Concord, we’ll get back to you later. Maybe. Um, Drunk McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I just finished twenty different flavors of schnapps.

Des: Drunky, how do you... how do you get home after a football game?

Drunky: Well, Des, what I do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes later, I wake up in my apartment.

Des: All right, thank you, Drunky. Uh... and that’s all the time we have, boys and girls. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Des-boy’s Pig-Nut Moonshine. Des-boy?

Des-boy: Mmm hmmm. Des-boy’s Pig Nut Moonshine: The smooth-drinking, liver-burning flavor last a moment, but the crippling blindness lasts a lifetime!