BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-23-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Bears vs. Seahawks: 1-16-11
BEARS VS. SEAHWAKS: 1-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.
Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.
Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 01-02-2011
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-2-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?
CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!
Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?
CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!
Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots
Bears vs. Jets: 12-26-10
BEARS VS. JETS: 12-26-10
SR: Arrrhh!!! Mateys, I'll just cut to the chase: Des was too busy making merry this Yuletide season to develop a post... and "develop" is the correct word, as these posts are not "written", as the average person would understand the term, but are indeed developed in a red-lit closet. Anyway, you will soon receive a post previewing the Bears/Packers game if the Internet connection gods be kind.
Sincerely,
Captain Silas Charles "Snuggles" Redbeard
SR: Arrrhh!!! Mateys, I'll just cut to the chase: Des was too busy making merry this Yuletide season to develop a post... and "develop" is the correct word, as these posts are not "written", as the average person would understand the term, but are indeed developed in a red-lit closet. Anyway, you will soon receive a post previewing the Bears/Packers game if the Internet connection gods be kind.
Sincerely,
Captain Silas Charles "Snuggles" Redbeard
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