Captain Silas Redbeard's Bears Preview

Bears vs. Vikings: 1-1-12

2012-01-01T12:25:00.005-05:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 1-1-12

Des: Welcome to this season's final edition of the Chicago Bears football pregame show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to either team. Will the Bears audition a different quarterback every play? Or will both teams agree to give its fans a true show with a series of choreographed wacky plays, not unlike to Harlem Globetrotters, with the coin toss determining which team gets to be the Washington Generals? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Moses Magnum" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and truth-seeker extraordinaire, Wonder Woman.

WW: Really, Des? "Truth-seeking extraordinaire"? Could you be any more pompous? Is that supposed to refer to my magic lasso? If so, be aware that I'm shifting to waterboarding for 2012.

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHHH, mateys! If ye be done with your pointless flirtations, it be time for Captain Redbeard's Rum-soaked Reevelation for the New Year. God seems to be getting himself involved in football even more than usual lately, from choosing Tim Tebow as his quarterback, to telling St. Louis Rams cornerback Al Harris it's time to retire. (True story!) What must the Bears do to receive similar divine intervention? Well, since Jehovah has clearly picked the Psckers to be the NFC North team for this decade, the Bears must fight back with deities from as many different parthenons as they can sucker into helping, whether it be my favorites Poseidon and Neptune, or Buddha (because no one would suspect him), or Quetzalcoatl. I'd go for Quetzalcoatl, since 2012 seems to be his year.

Des: Concord Peabody. What's your prediction?

Concord: Well, Des, this is the 20th anniversary of the breakup of the Soviet Union. The Bears are 4-0 when major empires disband, defeating the Packers when the Austro-Hungarian Empire collapsed in 1918, the Browns when the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922, the Redskins when India broke off from Great Britain, and the Chargers when the Soviet Union disbanded.

Des: But, Concord, no major empire is falling apart now, is it?

Concord: Why don't you cut away to Modre?

Modre: A Chinese fortune cookie once said, "Force equals too much, effort equals too little, being equals just right." Being Lovie Smith has not been especially helpful lately.

Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thought?

Prissy: Des, my New Year's Resolution is to lose enough weight to fit inside your mind.

Des: As Riche Rich's butler Cadbury would say, "Egad!" Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will provide a New Year's reminder that the more things change, the more they remain the same.

Bears vs. Packers: 12-25-2011

2011-12-25T12:23:00.006-05:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-25-2011

Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.

Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?

Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!

Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?

Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.

Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?

WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.

Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.

WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.

Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.

More sad news

2011-12-17T20:21:00.002-05:00

On December 5, 2011, my grandfather, Louis E. Desmond, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack. He taught me a great deal about family, politics, humor, sports, music, and a compulsion for knowledge.

My grandfather was very loyal to his family, especially my grandmother. He spent a lot of time and love taking care of her in the past decade as it became increasingly difficult for her to take care of herself. He always made time to spend with his grandchildren, especially when my cousins, my sister, and I would construct very elaborate imaginary scenarios in which we would invite him to participate and/or witness. These ranged from weddings to newscasts to talent shows to super-hero battles to criminal trials and lawsuits. In one particularly memorable criminal trial, in which he was the judge, and I was a 9 year old defendant newly convicted of robbery, I tried to bribe him to change the verdict for a dollar, but he had to explain to me why that was wrong and/or illegal. He was pretty much the reason why I didn't become the next Rod Blagojevich.

Speaking of politics, my grandfather had a great deal of influence over my political beliefs-- not so much my actual political orientation, which, in some ways, is the opposite of my grandfather's-- but the idea that it's important to understand politics, and to not just have opinions, but to have opinions that are well thought out and based on a knowledge of history. He and my dad also both taught me that it's important to respect and understand multiple sides of an issue and to not have a simplistic ideology regardless of your political perspective, which is an idea that's in very short supply in a world where politics is just another form of poorly done entertainment.

The desire to be knowledgeable about things is another value that my grandfather helped instill. Although my grandmother's books formed the bulk of the 820 Wonderview library, Grandpa boasted a comprehensive collection himself. One summer I tore through a book of his called The Story of the Irish Race, by Seumas Macmanus. It taught me a lot about Irish history and my Irish heritage. I have my own copy of it now, as a gift from Steve Schiller.

I also learned a lot about sports from my grandfather-- not so much about actually playing sports, which my lack of strength and endurance discouraged me from doing, but about watching sports, especially the Cubs, which were his favorite team, and against whom I may have a lifetime resentment for failing to win a World Series for the entire 89 years he was alive. But watching games with him on TV, I learned a great deal about sports analysis, of players, and also of the knowledge (or lack thereof) of the broadcasters. Like all right-thinking Americans, he watched Harry Caray with a mixture of bemusement and frustration at his alcohol-fueled broadcasts. My parents and grand-parents also time-shared season's tickets at Wrigley Field, and I have a lot of good memories of watching Cubs games with my parents, grand-parents, and friend-of-the-blog (plus friend in the non-cyber world) Tom Long.

In addition to sports, music was a big passion of my grandfather. He frequently went to expos to buy and sell 78s, which he would convert to cassette tapes. Although the only real music I shared with my grandfather and Dad was Willie Nelson. Both of them showed me that you could still enjoy music as a major part of your life after the age of 30. I somehow had it in my mind that music was a sport of the young and, once you reached a certain, you pretty much gave it up and settled into a pattern of just listening to whatever happened to pop up on Magic 104 or Lite FM.

For all this and more, I will miss Grandpa Desmond greatly.

Bears vs. Chiefs: 12-4-11

2011-12-04T00:58:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 12-4-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.

Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?

CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.

Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?

CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.

Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.

Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?

Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?

WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?

Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.

Bears vs. Raiders: 11-27-11

2011-11-27T13:49:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-27-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.

Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?

CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.

Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.

CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.

Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.

Modre: Despair is what I do best.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?

WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?

PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.

Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.

Bears vs. Chargers: 11-20-11

2011-11-20T15:11:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 11-20-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team trapped in its own power-dive four game losing streak, while Chicago continues to dominate with a four game winning streak. Will the Bears take advantage of another struggling team to maintain its seemingly unstoppable momentum? Or will they receive a brutal splash of cold water against quarterback Philip Rivers if he suddenly remembers not to throw to the opposing team in the red zone?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sucker Punch” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! ‘Tis time now for this Ancient Mariner’s Curse to be unleashed against a hapless NFL victim. Which team deserves to receive this feared bounty of my boundless misfortune? The Detroit Lions, which I predict will not win a game for the remainder of this season! I know this be bad news for the Chrysler Corporation, since its recent ad campaign inexplicably tried to tie their vehicles with the alleged resurgence of Detroit, but the treacherous scalawags never should have shut down the Plymouth division. What happened to the legendary vehicles of yesteryear, such as the Plymouth Duster and Scamp? Ye might wonder why a pirate would care about motor cars, but I’ve shanghaied many an automobile freighter, and there be no more successful black market resale vehicle in Cuba than the Plymouth Volare!

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?

CWP: Des, the San Diego Charger’s slogan is “Lightning only strikes in one place.” That might be part of their problem.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Robert Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Conversely, only those who dare to succeed greatly can ever achieve utter failure. At least that what the coach of the Minnesota Vikings is telling people.

Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Des, for a brief time my headquarters was called “The Wonder Dome”, but I got tired of the double entendres, so I just store all of my stuff at the Wonder Warehouse.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a match brought to you by Chevrolet, whose recent ad campaign is unafraid to remind you how much better their cars were 40 years ago.

Bears vs. Lions: 11-13-2011

2011-11-12T00:30:00.004-05:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-7-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.

PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!

SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?

CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.

Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?

Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-7-11

2011-11-11T23:42:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-7-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?

CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.

Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.

Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.

Some very sad news

2011-11-05T23:11:00.005-04:00

On October 20th, my cousin and very close friend Jeff Desmond passed away unexpectedly. He was an extremely smart, kind, thoughtful person. Among the many things he did to help me get through the difficulty of being essentially alone through most of my first decade in New Hampshire was to collaborate with me on a number of creative projects. Jeff gave me a ton of suggestions for my continually unfinished sci-fi novel “Vanguard 7.” One really entertaining project we completed was the “Retro Liquid Lunch” in which we sang along, drank along, and commented on various songs we listened to in the 1980s and ‘90s. We always intended to come up with a sequel to that, but never did. Jeff also helped out a lot with a comic book his son Logan and I are working on called “Doctor Deformo”. He also had a lot of awesome ideas for this Internet journal.

While the English language is an exceptionally pliable tool for eliciting laughter and comedy, especially in Jeff’s hands, it’s an extremely poor instrument for expressing sorrow and loss. Simply saying, “I miss Jeff a lot” doesn’t come close to fully encapsulating my feelings, but it has the advantage of being accurate.

Bears vs. Vikings: 10-16-11

2011-10-15T22:10:00.006-04:00

Pre-production meeting transcript:

Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.

PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.

Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.

SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!

PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.

Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.

PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?

Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion

PM: I’m ready.

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.

PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.

WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!

Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?

CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.

Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?

SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.

Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-10-11

2011-10-10T21:04:00.002-04:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-10-11

Des: Welcome to a most unusual version of the Chicago Bears football post. This time, we provide live reaction (more or less) to the Bears game as it occurs until my imaginary cast of characters and I get tired of the numerous false starts and call it an evening.

SR: Arrh, Des! Speaking of the multiple false starts, 'tis naught but a clever strategy by the Bears offense to rest their defense.

Des: Of course, the question that is hanging in the air: Will the Detroit Lions win their first Monday Night Game since 1867? Or will their multiple penalties up to this point give the Bears defense more rest than the Bears offense? To answer these and similiar questions will be... probably just Redbeard. He's really the only character developed enough for spontaneous repartee.

SR: Arrh, mateys! Methinks your Concord Peabody character is as underutilized as Kellen Davis. He's had only three catches for the year.

Des: Captain, are you sure that Concord isn't as overutilized as Roy Williams? He's already had three catches this year.

SR: Using statistics for humor be not your strong suit, Des. 67% of fans agree with me. 2 out of 3.

Des: By the way, Captain, Bank of America offers 1% cash back on credit card purchases.

SR: They also charge 35% interest. And people call me a pirate!

Des: Who writes your jokes, Jimmy Fallon? Meanwhile, the Bears have rediscovered the outside run.

Des: Well, boys and girls, this blog post is wasting precious bandwidth that could be used to print off Fun Spot coupons. End transmission.

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-2-2011

2011-10-01T22:07:00.005-04:00

BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-2-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and former Bears defense coordinator legend Ron Rivera in the midst of a two game losing streak. Will the Bears receivers hold on to the passes Jay Cutler doesn’t overthrow? Or will Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton receive a much-needed confidence boost after a 1-2 start?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Overcat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and princess of Themyscira, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Spotlight on the Team That Has Brought Me the Most Shame: ‘Tis the St. Louis Rams! I had picked them to win the NFC West Division Championship, yet they bring me naught but shame and frustration with their winless record so far! What must they do? They must fire equipment manager Todd Hewitt! 44 years is too long for any one man to serve in that critical position!

Excuse me, mateys. I’m being told by our producer… which… I didn’t know we had… what? They fired him back in January? Then… uh… sacrifice Cadillac Williams to the plant god Utzkartaga, blessed be he who provides me with my sacred magic mushrooms!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears have nothing but trouble on offense, the defense is worn down, Ron Rivera is looking to defeat his old team, and Cam Newton is hungry for his first away win. That said, the Bears will still win 66 to 8.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Joyce A. Meyers once said, “A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.” The Bears could also use a running game.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on the Bears?

WW: Everybody talks about the storied rivalry between the Bears and the Packers, but that’s nothing compared to my battle with the Blue Snowman.

Des: Really? Why haven’t I heard of him?

WW: Well, her true identity is Byrna Brilyant, a small town school-teacher and scientist who disguised herself as a man called "The Blue Snowman," using a telescopic snow ray to create and reverse blue snow, which paralyzed victims.

Des: So… she’s a cross-dressing super-villain, whose powers are only useful two or three months out of the year. I’m surprised that she never caught on.

WW: Did I mention that she later created an army of robots attuned to her brainwaves?

Des: Were they robot snowmen? Crush….kill… Help! I’m melting! Fatal error! Fatal error!

Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are filled with bittersweet complexities, generation-defying insights, and are, collectively, a requiem of the post 9/11 dream.

Des: Prissy Minion, you may want to lay off on those Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut doesn’t synch well with The Wizard of Oz. Believe me, I’ve tried. Multiple times.

Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Miller Lite, which is apparently the “manliest” of light beers, but I’m not sure how “manly” and “light beer” get put together in a sentence. Now Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels: those are drinks that’ll get you to ride roller coasters and catch fish without fear, not to mention a bunch of other less, uh, benign activities. And, by “benign”, I mean “legal.”

Bears vs. Packers: 9-25-11

2011-09-24T14:09:00.002-04:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-25-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the New Orleans Saints. Will the Bears recover from this second episode defeat to win their third game, much like Luke Skywalker’s rebels rallied after the tragedies of the second Star Wars movie to defeat the evil emperor in episode three? Or will the Bears suffer a horrible, yet cuddly death, like the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks?

PM: Oh, Des, far be it for me, your biggest—and only—fan to poke holes in your comedy, but weren’t the Ewoks and Jar Jar among the winners in the various Star Wars trilogies? And weren’t The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi technically episodes five and six? And were the rebels really Luke Skywalker’s rebels, or were they really more of a loose collection that didn’t really follow a charismatic leader? Unless you count Princess Leia, which I don’t.

Des: So, what, Prissy, are you trying to expand your character from creepy stalker to sci-fi nerd? I don’t recall approving that at our pre-show meeting!

Anyway--- to answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Darth Hideous” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazon warrior Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Jay Cutler has taken more of a beating than the Spanish Armada did against the English in the naval Battle of Gravelines, or, to use a more relatable simile, me liver on a Saturday night, or any night of the week, for that matter. What must the Bears offensive line do to improve their protection of their shattered quarterback? Get the offensive line jacked up on an unholy combination of Jamaican rum, and whatever it is those Somali pirates use. What is it, cathinone, or khat? Anyway, Lovie Smith needs to make these changes. Otherwise, the Bears will go through more quarterbacks than Orson Wells plows through courses of a Thanksgiving meal. What? Too soon?

Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears have already allowed 11 sacks in two games and the Packers have a mighty defense. Also, Aaron Rogers appears unstoppable as a quarterback, and the Bears might be missing running back Marion Barber, safety Chris ¬Harris, guard Lance Louis, receiver Roy Williams and safety Major Wright due to injuries. That said, the Bears will still win 52 to 0.

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: T.S. Eliot once said, “The progress of an artist is a continual self-sacrifice, a continual extinction of personality.” By that standard, Dick Jauron should have won 70 Superbowls.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on football?

WW: Everybody talks about how hot Tom Brady and Tony Romo are, but they’re nothing compared to Steve Trevor.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. You’re a satisfying answer to a question most people fear to ask.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the font of all union-busting shenanigans, the Koch Brothers, the makers of Quilted Northern Toilet Paper, Angel Soft Toilet Paper, Brawny Paper Towels, Sparkle Paper Towels, Mardi Gras Paper Napkins, Vanity Fair Plates, and Dixie cup products. Remember, folks, if you buy any disposable papery by these jamokes, you’re supporting pure evil. Well, maybe not if you buy Dixie cups. It’s hard to stay mad at those little devils. But the Brawny lumberjack? Don’t turn your back!

Bears vs. Saints: 9-18-2011

2011-09-17T11:57:00.005-04:00

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 9-18-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.

Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?

SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.

Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.

SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?

WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.

Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.

Bears vs. Falcons: 9-11-11

2011-09-10T15:03:00.004-04:00

BEARS VS. FALCONS: 9-11-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?

Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?

SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!

Des: Hey, wait a minute…

Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?

SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.

Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.

SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?

WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.

Bears vs. Packers: 1-23-11

2011-01-23T13:16:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-23-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?

CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?

DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.

Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.

Bears vs. Seahawks: 1-16-11

2011-01-16T10:45:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. SEAHWAKS: 1-16-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?

CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?

DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.

Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.

Bears vs. Packers: 01-02-2011

2011-01-02T16:00:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-2-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?

CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?

DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!

Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots

Bears vs. Jets: 12-26-10

2011-01-02T15:55:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. JETS: 12-26-10

SR: Arrrhh!!! Mateys, I'll just cut to the chase: Des was too busy making merry this Yuletide season to develop a post... and "develop" is the correct word, as these posts are not "written", as the average person would understand the term, but are indeed developed in a red-lit closet. Anyway, you will soon receive a post previewing the Bears/Packers game if the Internet connection gods be kind.

Sincerely,
Captain Silas Charles "Snuggles" Redbeard

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-20-2010

2010-12-20T21:08:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-20-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a heartbreaking loss to the New England Patriots. Could this be a much-needed bounce-back against Captain Methuselah and his hellscape rent-a-stadium? Or will this be another step on the slippery slope slip sliding away from playoff action? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dark Angel" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to hang my head in shame as I review how me playoff picks in September are performing in December. In the AFC, I can look on with pride at my playoff picks the Jets and Ravens who are poised to enter the playoffs. Sadly, I can only turn my head in disgust at my other playoff selections, the Texans, Broncos, Bills, and Browns. I am especially disheartened at the Broncos. I thought this was Neckbeard’s year!

SR: I did a little better in the NFC. Four of my five selections appear to be post-season bound: the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and the Rams, who have a, uh, dominating (?) record of 6-8. Sadly, the 49ers and Lions continue to be major disappointments. Well, okay, a 4-10 record for the Lions is rebuilding. By 2016, the Lions should make it to the first round of the playoffs… where they will be as promptly skewered as the marlin I single-handedly wrestled onto me vessel!

Des: Nice one, Ernest Hemingway-breath. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Margaret Mead once said, “It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” That’s especially true of Bears quarterbacks!

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Minnesota?

CP: Des, if you divide Brett Favre’s age by the number of offensive text messages he sent and multiply it by the number of Bears failed third down attempts, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 105.9.

Des: Concord, does 105.9FM play all the classics, plus the best new rock?

CP: Des, WCKG stopped playing classic rock 14 years ago. Get with the times!

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: "Those who live in the past are cowards and losers". By the way, come see me at Bert Wyman Ford for a reunion with my old buddies from the 1985 Superbowl Bears, and maybe you’ll see us do the Superbowl Shuffle!

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a magic 8 ball… it’s comfortingly predictable.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you face your own mortality as you watch Brett Favre play quarterback.

Bears vs. Patriots: 12-12-10

2010-12-12T09:51:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. PATRIOTS: 12-12-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New England Patriots, two teams that are enjoying a second half ascendance. Could this be a possible preview of a future Super-bowl? Or will both franchises be the only 11-5 teams kept out of the playoffs? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dirty Mistletoe" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Since Neptune and Poseidon refuse to give me accurate football predictions despite me numerous sacrifices of captured cruise ship passengers in their names…

Des: Wait a minute… Captain, you sacrificed cruise ship passengers just to get good football picks?

SR: Aye, me gambling debts be too staggering too count. Besides, my crimes are nothing compared to what Frank Caliendo does to divine his picks for Fox Sports. But that be beside the point. This week, I have appealed to the great Inuit sea-god Arnakguasac to share her wisdom with me. Depending on which origin tale ye’ve heard, Arnakguasac was cast to the depths of the sea by either trying to eat her parents, or slaying the original sea god to which she was sacrificed, or marrying a dog instead of the suitor chosen by her father, or rejecting another suitor chosen by her father who turns out to be a giant raven. I can identify with any of these scenarios.

Des: That does not surprise me Captain… so, do you have a football pick?

SR: Thankee, Des. I lost me Night Train of thought. Arnakguasac has chosen the Bears as today’s winner, even though bears have slaughtered many of her sea children.

Des: That’s very magnanimous of her. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: I believe it was you, Des, who misquoted Edward R. Murrow by saying, “The politician is trained in the art of making the inexcusable palatable.” That said, I would cherish Barack Obama’s appearance on Fox Sports.

Des: Murrow actually said, “The politician is trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”, but I like my misquote better.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against New England?

CP: Des, if you examine the defensive matchup of Julius Peppers versus the offensive wizardry of Wes Welker and supermodel firepower of Brian Urlacher versus Tom Brady, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 93.1.

Des: Concord, does WXRT DJ Terry Hemmert still do “Breakfast with the Beatles”?

CP: I think it’s a liquid breakfast now.

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining."

Des: Coach, the death of print media is your final revenge. Or a long term sociological, technological shift. Either way, the system works. Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like the ancient dinosaurs… they belong in a museum, not in some tar pit you may have drunkenly wandered into one night.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you forget your wife’s simmering resentment as you inhale without a second thought the dozen donuts she carefully frosted with the Bears logo while she secretly dreams of Tom Brady.

Bears vs. Lions: 12-5-10

2010-12-05T17:19:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 12-5-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.

Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.

SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!

Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.

Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?

CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."

Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.

Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."

Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-28-10

2010-12-05T11:22:00.005-05:00

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-28-10

Des: So here I am at the Las Vegas airport on a layover on a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Manchester, NH, drinking a $12 gin and tonic at the Fox Sports Bar after losing five dollars at the airport slots, awaiting the start of the Bears/Eagles game. (All true so far... now begins the descent/ascent into madness) Since the standard fare of Bradshaw, Johnson, et al, are not entertaining me, let's bring forth my regular imaginary crew of prognosticators to preview this Bears game.

SR: ARRRHHHH, mateys! All of professional football is darkened under the shadow of the NFL's looming lookout of 2011. The NFL Players' Association is claiming that an average of about $160 million in local spending and 3,000 jobs would be lost in each league city if the full 2011 season were wiped out. This presumes that there would not be some truly magnificient scabs waiting in the wings to take over if the first string players were forced out of the pictures. And by "scabs", I'm not talking about me horrible, horrible skin condition caused by a tropical insect that scientists have yet to name. If it be up to me, I would name it Anopheles Redbeadius.

Des: I would wish you well, Captain, but I would be lying. Drunky McDumb-ass. Since we seem to be inexplicably trapped in the same sports bar, what are your observations?

DMD: I'm very traumatized, Des. I ordered a light beer that I guess is very weak because the super-hot bartender made fun of my clothes, then punched me in the heart and took my money. How was I supposed to know that smooth-drinking Coors Lite was the only socially acceptable lite beer for men to drink?

Des: Thanks to Coors Brewery's sponsorship of this proud web-site, now everyone knows.

Modre: If by "everyone", Des, you mean the four or five friends you lost contact with years ago who might mistakenly "rediscover" this blog, then by all means, retreat into your comforting delusion.

Des: Concord Peabody, what data is going into your victory factory this week?

CWP: That's a Victory Factor, not factory, Des. If you combine the running yardage of Matt Forte, the quarterback proficiency of Jay Cutler, and the existential despair felt by the Eagles for playing in a city that is a hollow mockery of the once proud capital city of America, I give the Bears a Victory Factor of 97.9.

Des: Hey, is Johnny B. still the morning guy for 97.9?

CWP: Des, that reference will only appeal to a rapidly dying demographic.

Des: Ouch! Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your blog posts are like an old, familiar shoe... the stench may be overpowering, but it's too comfortable to part with.

Des: Well, I'll sit back and watch with my insanely overpriced drink as the Bears face off in a match that may help me forget the searing humiliation I faced going through airport security!

Bears vs. Dolphins:11-18-10

2010-11-27T22:35:00.007-05:00

BEARS VS. DOLPHINS: 11-18-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?

DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.

Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?

Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.

Des: What does that mean?

Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.

Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?

CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.

CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.

Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-14-10

2010-11-17T22:20:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-14-10

Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?

DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.

Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?

Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?

Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.

Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?

CWP: Not really.

Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.

Bears vs. Bills: 11-7-10

2010-11-07T10:08:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. BILLS: 11-7-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.

Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.

SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?

DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.

Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?

Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?

Modre: What?

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: 54-40 or fight!

Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.

Bears vs. Redskins: 10-24-10

2010-10-24T10:56:00.001-04:00

BEARS VS. REDSKINS: 10-24-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.

Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.

SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.

Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?

SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!

Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?

DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?

Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

Des: What truth?

Modre: There is no spoon.

Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).

Modre: That is a Spork.

Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.

Bears vs. Seahawks: 10-17-10

2010-10-17T10:00:00.001-04:00

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 10-17-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.

Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?

DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?

Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.

Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.

Modre: I hang my head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-10-10

2010-10-09T10:03:00.002-04:00

BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-10-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after Jay Cutler suffered nine first half sacks against the New York Giants. Will the Bears strengthen their offensive line to protect backup QB Todd Collins? Or should the Bears have ten quarterbacks waiting in the wings? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Stone Cold” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my prediction for this Sunday: the price of gold will skyrocket after me crew and I shanghai the gold shipment used to pay Titans’ coach Chuck Cecil’s fine for giving the finger to an official. If I had to pay a fine every time I proudly displayed me middle hook to a deserving land-lubber, I’d be sailing the seven seas wearing naught but a barrel.

Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image.

SR: By the way, Des, my report was brought to you by Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. Do you have any unwanted gold that’s cluttering up your house, car, or teeth? Then send it in to Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. In exchange for your precious, precious gold, you’ll receive a complementary pass to board one of me haunted Halloween vessels where the horrors are genuine and the stories you’ll have to pass on to your children or therapist will last a lifetime.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?

DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting into a pleasurably wacky misunderstanding between myself and my wife/significant other in which she thinks I’m talking about buying her jewelry and I think she’s talking about buying me smooth drinking Coors Light.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Carolina Panthers?

Modre: When you're inside the helmet, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy.

Des: So… your strategy for defeating the Panthers is to get inside their heads?

Modre: No, my strategy is to keep quoting from The Matrix and hope nobody notices. Except for the part about being inside the “helmet”. That was an ad lib. But do my borrowed “insights” make any less sense than more traditional broadcasters Terry Bradshaw or Jimmy Johnson.?

Des: Unfortunately, no. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they play with their second string quarterback, and 9-7 when they use their first stringer.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a Valentine box of chocolates: a seemingly thoughtful gesture that is ultimately unconsumed and thrown away.

Des: Ouch! Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as recent as that of Palin versus Olbermann… and as equally pointless.

Bears vs. Giants: 10-3-10

2010-10-02T16:59:00.002-04:00

BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-3-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….

Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?

DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?

Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain

SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!

Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!

SR: That’s what I thought.

Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.

Bears vs. Packers: 9-27-10

2010-09-26T10:02:00.005-04:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-27-10

Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?

Des: Because all four teams suck?

SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?

DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?

Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.

Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.

Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.

Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-19-10

2010-09-26T09:10:00.004-04:00

BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-19-10

Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.

Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?

DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?

Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.

Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius

Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.

Web-site is rebuilding

2010-09-19T21:59:00.002-04:00

Arrh, mateys! Sorry about me absence of late! Me fleet of nautical vessels was tragically blown off course by the various hurricanes that have been plaguing the seven seas of late. The most tragic development this season was the destruction of me flagship vessel that contained me voluminous pirate vocabulary. Fortunately, the recent celebration of "Talk Like a Pirate Day", plus numerous casks of rum, has created a liquid foundation for me to rebuild. Meanwhile, the Bears are 2-0. Go Bears! May your foes crumble, like a, uh... I'll get back to ye! Me pirate vocab server be not working! ARRRRHHHH!!!!

Bears vs. Lions: 1-3-10

2010-01-03T13:02:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 1-3-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Lions after an amazing win against the Vikings. Can the Bears build on their strengths displayed in last week’s game? Or will they need a new Mike Brady-esque architect to redesign the offense with Frank Lloyd Wright-style unconventionality?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Obi-Wan” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed advertiser of sports products, Tiger Woods.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since the NFL season is pretty much over, these be my college bowl picks for next year: Oklahoma defeats NIU in the Empire Carpet Bowl, Texas Tech beats Indiana in the Big Scary Closet Bowl, MIT destroys Stanford in the Droid Bowl, University of Phoenix defeats DeVry in the John Madden Virtual Bowl, and Bud Light defeats Budweiser Select in the Bud Bowl.

Des: Captain, do those bowls even exist?

SR: And the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, the County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, and the Brut Sun Bowl should be treated with more respect just because they actually exist? Besides, once I have successfully pirated CBS’s signal during the Super-bowl, the Bud Bowl will rise again. If what’s left of the Who play “Behind Blue Eyes” during the half time show, that’s when I will take command of the airwaves.

Des: Let me take a moment to credit “Friend of the Blog” H for suggesting the bowl selection concept. I know he wanted me to wait until next December, but…

Modre: Des, your willingness to suspend Western perceptions of comedic timing will one day endear you to Eastern audiences. The true irony is that this will occur 100 years into the future.

Des: Tiger Woods. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Tiger: How much endorsement money am I being paid for this?

PM: Oh, Des. That joke was well worth waiting six weeks after the Tiger Woods story broke.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “GoDaddy.com”, where Tiger Woods will appear alongside Danica Patrick soon.

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-27-09

2009-12-26T11:51:00.005-05:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-27-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in another game inexplicably shown to a national audience. Can the Bears take advantage of a weakening Brett Favre, who is crumbling to dust like the Ghost of Christmas Present? Or will the Bears face another holiday horror, like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Thin White Duke" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western stereotype, the Prissy Minion, and famed symbol of renewal, the Baby New Year.

Redbeard: ARRRHHH, mateys! There be much idle speculation about whether Coach Lovie Smith will be fired come the end of this season. There be only one true way to settle this. Mutiny! But not the passive aggressive mutiny the Bears have performed so far. Nay! Swords must be drawn for a halftime spectacular that would be far more entertaining than anything ESPN's "Jabberjaw" has to blather about.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CWP: The Bears are 24-7 whenever the defensive line of the Bears is on average 10 years younger than the opposing team's offensive line. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether that's the case in this game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: The cleansing whiteness of winter's snowfall will fail to shield Bears fans from the grim reality of Ron Turner's play calling.

Des: Prissy Minion. Do you have any relevant comments? Pleae?

PM: That is a Christmas gift that is beyond my capability.

Des: Baby New Year. What do you see in the Bears' future?

BNY: I'm too busy worrying about being eaten by Eon to concern myself with your petty sports teams.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will put an exclamation point of 2009! Unfortunately, I have no idea what the rest of the sentence says.

Bears vs. Ravens: 12-20-09

2009-12-26T11:49:00.001-05:00

I put as much effort into this post as the Bears did this Sunday.

Bears vs. Packers: 12-13-09

2009-12-13T11:34:00.002-05:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”

Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?

SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.

Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?

SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.

Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.

Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?

CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!

Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09

2009-12-06T11:34:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.

Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?

PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-29-09

2009-11-29T11:34:00.004-05:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-29-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!

Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears

DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”

Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-22-09

2009-11-22T15:26:00.004-05:00

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-22-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.

Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.

AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.

Bears vs. 49ers: 11-12-09

2009-11-12T20:38:00.005-05:00

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-12-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers on a Thursday night, further angering the football gods - - or, in the case of George Halas, the football Satan. Will the Bears solve their problems on offense, defense, and special teams? Or will they suffer the shame of having viewers defect to watch “Community”, or (shudder) Jay Leno?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fem-bot” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! If ye reverse the name “Halas” and replace the “L” and “H” with “T” and “N”…. never mind! That be too convoluted! Whatever ye do, don’t turn your “Tivo” upside down if the game is still on at 11:34 p.m.!

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ relentless defense and cyborg-ian offense remind me of the time I was a telemarketer and…

Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Still, I would continue using the "Tampa 2" defense. Or offense. Or whatever.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.

KC: “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” Did I say “challenge”? I meant “embrace.”

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. If your words could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, whose unnervingly serene visage draws me in like a fly to an unbelievably high voltage bug zapper

Bears vs. Cardinals: 11-8-09

2009-11-07T11:34:00.006-05:00

BEARS VS. CARDINALS: 11-8-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?

To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...

Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.

KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.

Bears vs. Browns: 11-1-09

2009-10-31T11:34:00.004-04:00

BEARS VS. BROWNS: 11-1-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a heartbreaking loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears have an answer for Coach “Man-Genius”? And will it be something besides “better not tell you now?”

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Easy Rider” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed general William Westmoreland.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The idle speculation over whether the NFL will place a team in London or Los Angeles brings a chuckle to this ancient mariner’s heart. Why not bring a professional team to Chicago? ‘Tis a pretty big market, filled to bursting with treasure and booty even though Denver and Cincinnati have successfully plundered the Bears of its offensive talent. I myself have stolen many a treasure from the Art Institute and Museum of Broadcast History, whiling away many a lonely hour with me purloined Dirty Dragon puppet and Blob clay formation.

Des: And indeed the Bears talent has been very offensive. (Insert rim shot) Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: I still believe Lovie Smith made the right decision when he made himself defensive co-Odinator.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the refuge of the incompetent.” That’s only true for Ron Turner.

Des: General William Westmoreland. Your advice for the Bears.

GWW: “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. After last Sunday’s Bears game, only your broadcasts remind me that there still is a god.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game that should be totally awesome as long as Harvey Pekar can do the play by play. Or Funky Winkerbean. Either way, it’s cancer-tastic. Anyone but Cleveland Brown, the cartoon character.

Bears vs. Bengals: 10-25-09

2009-10-24T11:34:00.005-04:00

BEARS VS. BENGALS: 10-25-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.

KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.

Bears vs. Falcons: 10-18-09

2009-10-17T11:32:00.001-04:00

BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-18-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons after thoroughly extinguishing the dying embers of hope for the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears continue their impressive streak of wins? Or will Atlanta’s perfectly balanced offense of tight ends, wide receivers, and running backs frustrate the Bears like they did to the, uh, Patriots? (Oops)

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “88 Keys” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! My nautically themed advice to the Bears this week is to use the “chum-bucket” defense, where ye liquefy the offense into a tasty goo fit for consumption by the Dallas Cowboys the following week.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: Ron Turner is the perfect offensive co-Odinator for the Bears.

SR: I heartily concur, matey! Turner combines the wisdom of Odin, the fury of Thor, and the cunning of Loki! Now we just need the girth of Volstagg on defense!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Citizens of Chicago: when the Olympics opened in Tokyo in 1964, they were so transcendent, we still have a national holiday on October 12 to commemorate it. But, like a World Series at Wrigley, that is a pleasure you will never experience!

Des: Modre, that’s kind of harsh even for you, isn’t it?

Modre: Sometimes I rub salt in the wound to promote healing, but this time, it is only for my amusement!

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.

KC: “I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.”

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: As Judy Tenuta once said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you.”

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the Nissan Cube, which, sadly, is not a giant Rubik’s Cube. If you had to keep twisting the car itself in order to find the door… that would be hysterical!

Bears vs. Lions: 10-4-09

2009-10-03T11:28:00.005-04:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-4-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.

Des: Madonna. Your impressions.

M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”

SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.

Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?

CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?

Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!

Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-09

2009-09-26T08:43:00.003-04:00

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 9-27-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after a dramatic victory against the Super-bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Will the Bears be able to effectively use their momentum to establish a winning streak? Or will Brian Urlacher and his shattered wrist be forced to make five turnovers all by his lonesome?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Psychedelic Panther Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and former NBA legend Michael Jordan.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Free of charge, I be providing the Bears valuable advice by applying successful pirate strategies to football. Abandon the Wildcat offense and the shotgun formation. Instead, use the “Cat o’ nine tails” offense to bedevil your opponents. It’s a nine-receiver set. Trust me, it worked against the HMS Pinafore.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ lightning-fast special teams and three-dimensional offense remind me of the time I was a grave robber and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In Japan, September 21st was keiro no hi, or Respect for the Aged Day, and so we must honor Brett Favre… while also seeking to destroy him!

Des: Michael Jordan. Your impressions.

MJ: “Tex [Winter] reminded me that there’s no ‘I’ in team… I said, ‘There’s an ‘I’ in win. So whichever way you want it.”

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Take this somewhere.

PM: Anyway you want it, Des, that’s the way you need it.

Des: Thanks, Steve Perry. Sit back and watch as the Bears draw a line in the sand… and then build a sand castle with a cute little moat :)

Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09

2009-09-12T11:27:00.006-04:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.

Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.

SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.

Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?

OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!

Bears vs. Packers: 12-22-08

2008-12-21T10:59:00.004-05:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-22-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers in a must-win game (assuming the Vikings don’t win on Sunday). Can the Bears take advantage of a Green Bay team still struggling to fill the hole left by the tragic departure of Brett Favre? Or will Chicago be forced to endure the eternal, icy vengeance of Mr. Freeze without the distraction of post-season football?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sasha Fierce” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, the evil magician from “Frosty the snowman”, Professor Hinkle.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Matt Forte, me right toe is throbbin’ painfully. Therefore, I foresee the Bears running the table like me pirate armada knifed through the United Nations’ blockade of the Horn of Africa. Wait, that ended in tragedy for all involved. Disregard that prediction.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 8-6 this year against teams in cities on the brink of economic disaster. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: As Deng Xiaoping once said, “It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.” Does this mean the return of Rex Grossman is in the cards? No.

Des: Professor Hinkle. What are your thoughts?

PH: I must get that hat back! Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty!

Des: Now you go home and write "I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty" a hundred zillion times. And then maybe - just maybe, mind you - you'll find something in your stocking tomorrow morning. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.

PM: Oh, Des. You are the true spirit of Christmas.

Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Singletary for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a match that will save Christmas in the only way possible… through violence.

Bears vs. Saints: 12-11-08

2008-12-11T20:49:00.005-05:00

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 12-11-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.

Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?

BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.

Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.

Bears vs. Jaguars: 12-7-08

2008-12-07T11:26:00.005-05:00

BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 12-7-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.

Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.

Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.

Des: Including the bad ones?

PM: Is there any other kind?

Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-30-08

2008-11-30T11:06:00.003-05:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-30-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after destroying the Rams. Will Chicago stand tall and proud as the sole leader of the NFC North with a 7-5 record? Or will Minnesota’s offense power them through Bears’ injury-plagued defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joey-Joe-Joe-Shabadoo” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! There be no better way to spend $2 million in ransom for a French luxury yacht than me football “picks to click”. I select Miami over the Rams, the Colts defeat the Browns, and the Panthers tear up the Packers. I choose the 49ers as me “upset” pick over the Bills.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 12-4 against teams in states governed by former comedians, professional wrestlers, and other failed entertainers. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In the NFC North, you don’t have to be good, just good… enough.

Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.

AE: Guten tag, meine kameraden. "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.” And, if you’re Fox Sports, more pointless and pseudo patriotic.

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. I can see why genderanalyzer.com said there was a 62% chance that this website was written by a woman.

Des: Sit back and watch with your bucket of Bud as the Bears face off in a battle that will renew your Spirit of Christmas with a combination of violence and commercialism not seen since “Chuck Norris Saves Christmas”.

Bears vs. Rams: 11-23-08

2008-11-23T10:25:00.004-05:00

BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-23-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.

Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.

AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.

Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-16-08

2008-11-15T23:10:00.009-05:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-16-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.

Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.

AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.

Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner

Bears vs. Titans: 11-9-08

2008-11-09T10:28:00.004-05:00

BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-9-08

Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.

Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.

AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…

Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.

Bears vs. Lions: 11-2-08

2008-11-01T09:56:00.005-04:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-2-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.

Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.

AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!

Bears vs. Vikings: 10-19-08

2008-10-18T12:47:00.004-04:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-19-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.

Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.

Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-08

2008-10-11T11:04:00.003-04:00

BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-12-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!

Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?

CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.

Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?

PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-5-08

2008-10-05T11:01:00.006-04:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-5-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.

Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?

CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.

Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.

Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!

Bears vs. Eagles: 9-28-08

2008-09-27T20:47:00.004-04:00

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 9-28-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.

Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!

PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.

Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08

2008-09-20T20:14:00.005-04:00

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?

SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?

Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.

PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!

Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.

Bears vs. Panthers: 9-14-08

2008-09-13T20:27:00.003-04:00

BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 9-14-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?

Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!

Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?

PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”

Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.

Bears vs. Chargers: 9-7-08

2008-09-06T10:48:00.003-04:00

BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-7-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a replay of tragic Super-bowl XLI. Will the Bears avenge their defeat with the three-headed monster of Orton, Grossman, and, uh, the third guy? Or will the Manning brothers inflict yet more punishment upon a hapless NFL?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Giggle-snort Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead scientist Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Mariners’ Curse has manifested its bloody scrawl upon me ship’s hull. Its red writing portends an 8-8 record for Chicago this season. The Bears will bloody its claws upon the Colts, Panthers, Lions, Falcons, the Lions again, Jaguars, Saints, and Texans. But they will fall to defeat against the Buccaneers, Eagles, Titans, Rams, the Vikings twice, and the Packers twice.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWS: Well, uh, the Bears have won the last three Monday night games. Unfortunately, this is a Sunday game. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: He who hesitates is lost. Especially if you’re a Bears quarterback. Also, clothes make the man. Unless this is a “throwback” game.

Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Just as e=mc squared is the formula for the atomic bomb, special teams are the formula for a Bears win, mein herr!

Des: Thanks, Colonel Klink. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.

PM: My only thought is of you on a Bears rug, Des.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget about Super Bowl 41… after you’ve had 26 beers.

Bears v Seahawks: 11-18-07

2008-08-19T13:57:00.000-04:00

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 11-18-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Oakland Raiders with acceptable defense and one good pass from Rex Grossman. Will Chicago be able run the table by catching seven consecutive teams looking past the Bears? Or will Kyle Ortin be the topic of next week’s quarterback controversy?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Cobra Commander Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sailing off the Pacific Coast, a Seahawk deposited sacred guano upon me red bandana. Therefore, the Bears will defeat the Seahawks in a 13-10 nail-biter… or, in my case, a hook-buffing, which truly be a soothing way to release nervous energy before engaging a Carnival cruise ship on the field of battle. Oh, the shuffle board decks ‘twill be soaked with the blood of unsuspecting tourists, laddies!

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: Uh, I passed out drunk and somebody duct taped me naked to an elevator floor. At least I think it’s an elevator. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The hand that caresses can also slap. Or give a karate chop to the solar plexus.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 lifetime against teams whose coach weighs more than their offensive line. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Jacques Derrida once said, “As soon as there is language, generality has entered the scene.” Unless it’s one of your tapes, Des, which are delightfully random!

Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you reconsider what it means to be human! Or… something slightly less pretentious.

Bears v Raiders: 11-11-07

2008-08-19T13:53:00.000-04:00

BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-11-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Oakland Raiders after having two weeks to ponder their loss against Detroit. Will the Bears be able to defeat another lackluster team? Or will Chicago sports fans have to find some other bandwagon to jump on?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “CAVE-MAAAAN!” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This Sunday, the Bears must engage me beloved Raiders on the field of battle. I must betray me nautical heritage and predict a Bears victory against a team that would fail to terrify even the scurvy Captain Squiffy DuFluffypants and His Merry Margarita Mariners.

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: The flames from my trash can BBQ have escaped and are burning down my Bears trailer. Luckily, my kids are spread out with my various ex wives. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What’s the Bears wining formula?

Modre: The square root of infinity divided by zero. Or a better turnover ratio.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 17-6 lifetime against teams whose fans’ alcohol consumption exceeds that of Russia. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Michel Foucault once said, “The power to punish is not essentially different from that of curing or educating.” Or sports broadcasting.

Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will dazzle your senses and challenge your mind! Or make you bloated and sleepy.

Bears v Lions: 10-28-07

2008-08-19T13:47:00.001-04:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-28-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a game that may avenge Chicago’s embarrassing fourth quarter collapse in week 4. Will the Bears offense and defense be so vanilla that the opposing team will be lulled into a deep slumber, enabling the Bears to win during the last ten minutes of play? Or will the Bears 4-second defense fail to restrain the Lions’ offense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Cure” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since damaging me gastro-intestinal tract is the only way I can devise accurate predictions, I swallowed 1 ¾ cups of Clorox 2, which I normally use to swab the poop deck to unsuccessfully prevent scabies. Me “upset” pick: the Miami Dolphins will defeat the New York Giants across the pond in a match that will truly display the best of American football to our English cousins… upon whom I will soon wreak a horrible vengeance for their naval atrocities during the War of 1812!

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: I’m sitting in Bears jail for throwing a beer bottle at Joe Buck. Or maybe it was some kid. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: What a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away. Not even one with the combined wisdom of Shuma-Gorath and Vishnu!

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 lifetime against teams whose combined income exceeds the entire city of Detroit. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Camus once said, “Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.” And what are you, Des?

Des: Uh… sit back and watch your hypnotic Soldier Field snow globe as the Bears grapple in a match that will answer questions you shouldn’t have asked!

Bears v Eagles: 10-21-07

2008-08-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 10-21-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a game that was supposed to be the marquee match-up until a resurgent Dallas Cowboys nudged the Bears out of the spotlight. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will defensive injuries and erratic quarterbacking reduce the Bears to a pleasant Sunday diversion?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Pokemon Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The whale I slaughtered and consumed for breakfast is giving me a mighty upset stomach that not even the pinkest of bismuth can sooth. Therefore, me “upset” pick this Sunday ‘twill be the Buffalo Bills defeating the Baltimore Ravens.

Des: Uh, Captain, you do realize that none of your picks this season have won.

SR: Oh, fathers Neptune and Poseidon! Why have you forsaken me?!?

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: My skin is burning from using acrylic spray paint to cover my face in orange and blue. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: For the Bears to win, they must not think bad thoughts, despite numerous opportunities they may have to do so.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 21-11 lifetime against teams where only 37% of its members are Freemasons. I can’t say which ones, though. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Socrates once said, "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”

Des: How’s that woman-haters’ club coming along, Prissy? Sit back and watch in your Maury Buford… I mean, Rex Grossman… jersey as the Bears grapple in a match that will erase all doubt… that instant replay would be really bad for baseball.

Bears v Vikings: 10-14-07

2008-08-19T13:31:00.003-04:00

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-14-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings, a team plagued by injured quarterbacks and locker room fights. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to go 3-3? Or will the Bears offense score more points for the Vikings than the Vikings offense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Red-rum Red-beard, Modre font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After stirring me slop bucket with the Silver Oar of Long John Silver, an image forms of the Colts defeating the Lions.

Des: Uh, Captain, the Colts and Lions both have bye weeks this Sunday.

SR: Are ye challenging me authority, Des? You’ll be dancing the hempen jig for your impudence!

Des: Meaning what?

SR: You’ll be hung, Des. Try to keep up with the hip new lingo all the cabin boys are using.

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: My Bears Winnebago was ransacked while I was passed out. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The Bears must leave their happy space and find their angry space that dwells within all NFL players.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 16-7 lifetime against teams with Astroturf made by the Monsanto Corporation. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Immanuel Kant once said, "Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.” Does this remind you of someone you know, Des?

Des: Sit back and watch in your crushed velour Bears Polo shirt and don’t pass out drunk, unless you want to awaken as a Pod person - - or a Raiders fan.

Bears v Packers: 10-7-07

2008-08-19T13:27:00.001-04:00

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 10-7-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, a team whose resurgence is powered by the cheese-fed arterio-sclerotic genius of Brett Favre. Will the Bears defense force Favre to try to save his team all by his lonesome? Or will the Packers score 60 points during the last two minutes of each half?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Lucifer Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After I constructed a fetish of Captain Stubing from TV’s Love Boat, I commanded him to reveal this week’s sure-fire pick: ‘tis the Denver Broncos that will emerge victorious this week against the floundering San Diego Chargers.

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: My kids wandered off and I’m missing my Bloody Mary thermos. I’ve got more tomato juice, though. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The Bears must master the art of striking their opponents unawares. Therefore, Brian Griese must blind the Packers defense with dazzling offensive plays. Or flash paper.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams located above the 38th parallel. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.

Des: Sit back and watch in your inflatable Bears chair, as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget that the Presidential race has already been decided in secret.

Bears v Lions- 9-30-07

2008-08-19T13:24:00.002-04:00

BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-30-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team whose quarterback has promised a random number of wins this season. Will Brian Griese provide a spark to Ron Turner’s moribund offense? Or will the Bears be overshadowed by the Cubs’ run for the pennant?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Gargamel Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand before Captain Red-beard’s Court of Jamaican Justice. After ye plead your case, I retire to me “chambers” and inhale the vapors of vengeance, balanced by the beverage of beneficence. Then I return drunk and stoned to render me verdict. I find the Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Falcons guilty of the crime of football incompetence and predict that both teams will fall to an 0-4 record today.

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: Me and my buddies drank two kegs of beer, one box of wine, and a fifth of Jack Daniels. And that was before we left Schaumburg to drive to Soldier Field. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Football is like a game of Connect Four. The Bears must employ strategies that leave their opponents thinking, “Pretty sneaky, sis.”

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 lifetime when the misery index of inflation and the prime rate exceed 10 points. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As John Maynard Keynes once said, “In the long run, we’re all dead.”

Des: Sit back and watch on your Quasar, by Motorola, as the Bears grapple in a match that, hopefully, is not a metaphor for something in your personal life.

Bears v Cowboys 9-23-07

2008-08-19T13:19:00.002-04:00

BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-23-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, a team that is struggling mightily with a 2-0 record after the departures of Drew Bledsoe and the Big Tuna. Will the Bears defense prevent the Cowboys’ offense--- and Bears’ offense--- from scoring 40 points against them? Or will the turnover ratio be 10 to 7 in the Cowboys’ favor?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bubble-vicious” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand accused before Captain Red-beard’s drum-head court of football infamy. The AFC east division will not win a single game this season, with the exception of the New England Patriots. What must you do to save yourselves? Fall on your one good knee and plead for the mercy of this court, and, maybe, just maybe, I’ll reveal the frequencies to Coach Belichek’s headsets.

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: I burned a bunch of lines on my face after passing out on my grill. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When the Bears offense and defense are linked together like the hands that once crossed America and solved the homeless crisis, then even once-disposable heroes will transcend their obvious limitations.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who have a 20 point IQ differential with the Bears. Notice I didn’t say in which direction. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Nietzsche said, “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies”. I don’t think they mean criminal convictions. I hope.

Des: Sit back and watch on your “Oooo, I’m so cool” I-pod as the Bears face off in a clash that will mark an important turning point… in your doomed marriage.

Bears v Chiefs: 9-16-07

2008-08-19T13:11:00.002-04:00

BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 9-16-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, a team that has never quite lived up to expectations. Will Rex Grossman gain the composure and consistency that has eluded him throughout his professional career? Or will Kyle Orton have to “bear up” with a Thermos of White Russians to take on the Chiefs’ defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles DuFarquar Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and introducing tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Over the weekend, as I was sailing the Straits of Magellan, I stared into the abyss, which also stared back at me… and gave me a vision of this year’s playoffs. Here be Captain Red-beard’s treasure map to the Super-bowl: In the AFC, I foresee New England, Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and Kansas City sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, Dallas, Carolina, and St. Louis unfurling division championship banners, while Green Bay and Philadelphia must suffer the ignominy of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prediction, ye minnows in a gambling pool that be too murky for one without the vision of me unseeing glass eye: The Chicago Bears will defeat the New England Patriots in this year’s Super-bowl, as Bill Belichek’s subterfuge will not be enough to confuse Brad Maynard, who will be the Bears quarterback by then. And if that doesn’t happen, then it’ll be Dallas vs. Denver, in a repeat of a less interesting Super-bowl.

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: I’ve been drunk longer then Rex Grossman’s been alive. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When the forces of celestial light and darkness are in perfect alignment, then Mike Brown might play more than a game and half per season.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-5 lifetime against teams with Native American mascots when the air pressure is 900 to 1,100 millibars and the Gross Domestic Product annual increase is 3.9%. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Nietzsche said, “What is new, however, is always evil… and only what is old is good.” That’s from The Gay Science, Des. Think about it.

Bears v Chargers: 9-9-07

2008-08-19T13:04:00.006-04:00

BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-9-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team in disarray after the firing of Marty Shottenheimer. Will the Chargers answer the challenge presented by the Bears? Or will the entire offensive line find themselves imprisoned by some bizarre allegation involving strippers, steroids, gambling, guns, drugs, and dwarves?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Satanicus Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, and the Prissy Minion.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare to fill your treasure chests with gambling booty as Captain Red-beard unveils his predictions for this Bears season, as unveiled to me by Cthulu, the hip, new deity of evil, unlike Loki, last year’s flavor of the month. And Cthulu has tentacles, which fits in with the nautical motif I’ve tried so hard to maintain. I foresee the Bears going 11-5 this season, defeating the Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins, plus their division rivals Packers, Lions, and Vikings twice. But they will fall to defeat against the might of the Eagles, Raiders, Seahawks, Broncos, and Saints.

Des: Lee Belcher. What are the Bears’ keys to victory?

Lee: Keys to victory, Des? Like the keys I used to scratch the paint off your loser-mobile? The key to victory is for the Bears to use quarterbacks like pitchers in baseball. Rex Grossman should be the starting quarterback, then Brian Griese should be the reliever, and Kyle Orton should be the closer. It worked in pre-season.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When the waterfall of certain victory crashes against the rocks of despair, there you will find Rex Grossman in a football shaped barrel.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-4 lifetime against West Coast teams that start and end with the letter “S” when the relative humidity is 25 to 50% and the Forbes 500 has outperformed the stock marker. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: With a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and you.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch in an arterio-sclerotic hell of your own making as the Bears face off in a glorious battle that will make you forget your mounting credit card debt until they cut off your cable.

02-04-07 Bears vs. Colts

2008-08-19T12:55:00.004-04:00

02-04-07: BEARS VS. COLTS

Des: Welcome to the Super-bowl edition of the Chicago Bears football pre game show.

The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts, as predicted by Captain Redbeard during Week 2 of the regular season. Will the Bears complete their improbable journey to championship greatness? Or will Payton Manning finally silence the critics of his ubiquitous Visa ads?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tomczak Redbeard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and disgruntled ’87 Spare Bear, Bjorn Stangerland.

SR: ARRRH… Well, Father Neptune, whose dolphin-esque melodic revelations foreshadowed this year’s Super-bowl, and who be the source of all true wisdom, both on and off the Seven Seas, has once again chosen me as his Earthly vessel. By staring into a toilet bowl until Neptune’s visage replaced my own, I have divined a Bears victory as Payton Manning will somehow throw interceptions into the arms of every single Bears defenseman. ‘Twill be the first Super-bowl won without the winning team’s quarterback throwin’ a single pass.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts about the Super-bowl?

CWS: I am fully prepared to add another level to my display case of my 1985 Bears action figures with the heroes of today’s Super-bowl.

Des: Bjorn Stangerland. Your response.

BS: I’m still angry that former fellow Spare Bear and New Orleans coach Sean Peyton did not beat the Bears last week.

Des: Modre, how will the Bears emerge victorious?

M: Your football Bears must become their opponents. Only slightly better.

Des: Prissy Minion. What creepy fantasy will you use to finish off this pre-game show?

PM: Oh, Des, just watching your child like joy as the Bears win another Super-bowl is enough for me.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in their second Super-bowl, and resist the temptation to turn over and burn your neighbors’ cars. Unless your neighbor happens to be Joe Buck.